Tag: bipolar disorder

a meaningful quote

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A meaningful quote

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others?
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

A dear friend of mine posted this on her blog and I found some meaning in it. What am I doing for others? Lately, I feel like all I am doing is taking care of my family with their needs and not taking care of my own. I don’t even know if this blog is helpful anymore. I rant more about my chronic pain than about my depression and suicidality. Or I whine about my therapy troubles. I guess I just don’t find meaning in my life anymore.

I texted my therapist today to check her voicemail. I really want to talk to her this week. We have a lot to discuss. I am not sure we can do it all in one session but I am hopeful we can. It’s just important to me that I voice my feelings to her and if she can’t hear me then I guess it really is time to move on. Except, I won’t be seeing someone new because I have an end date. I have decided that if that the Pats win their AFC game, I will extend my date by one week. No reason to spoil my sister’s Superbowl weekend.

Today is the last day of my care for my niece. My sister is returning from Aruba tonight. I just have to put my niece to bed and then I can go up to my room. I am going to try and change my sheets. I meant to do it yesterday but wasn’t in the mood. I had coffee so I won’t be returning to sleep. The Casi Cielo is really strong enough to keep me awake. This coffee is so good. I love it. So with the energy I have, I should be able to clear my bed off and change my sheets. That is the one goal I have for the day.

This is the first morning that I didn’t wake up in pain. This is good. Maybe I can accomplish my goal. I kind of want to wait till my mother leaves the house before going upstairs. That will be in about an hour from now. I hope I don’t get the sleepies or nothing is going to get done. My mother wants me to do an errand for her. We’ll see if that happens after I change my sheets. Usually I am wiped out after this task. Having a twin mattress was so much easier than a full one. But at least half my bed is my “office” and the other half I can sleep in which would be impossible with a twin size mattress.

I am feeling ambivalent about seeing my psychiatrist this week. I really don’t want to go but I know that if I don’t, I probably will have to call her. When I see her, I am going to tell her that I don’t have to be seen weekly. Hopefully, she will agree. I know she is worried about me right now, and it’s not like I haven’t given her a reason to be worried. I just really don’t want to go into Boston.

MLK Birthday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

MLK Birthday 2017

Today is the observance of MLK Jr.’s birthday. Sadly, the President-Elect is not doing a damn thing about it because of “schedule conflicts”. Makes me sick.

I have been in an irritated mood for most of the day. Someone had posted a link on Twitter about how they created a Yelp page to rank psych hospitals. While that is all well and good, the patients needing care there might not get it because of distance, insurance issues, or bed unavailability. Most likely, it will be because of bed unavailability. Also, during a crisis, the patient doesn’t always have a choice as to where they will go.

I voiced my opinion on the matter and some administrator in the tweet said that “change is possible”. To which I replied, how as there is a bed crisis right now?? These administrator have no fucking clue how the mental health system really is for patients. And why would they? They aren’t the ones spending hours, sometimes days, in the ER waiting for a bed. It drives me fucking crazy. And then a social worker that I know and have dealt with many times, throws in his opinion which squashes mine, making me look like an idiot. UGH. I just wanted to scream. He is all for outpatient treatment, while I was discussing inpatient treatment. Big difference. I got so damn frustrated.

So then I leave the house with my niece as I thought we wanted burritos. I did anyways. I asked her at the bus stop if she was hungry and she said no. What do you mean no when we are going to get burritos?? I wanted to go back home but I really wanted a damn burrito so we went to the Square. I got more coffee at Starbucks (just to add to my agitation) and got the damn burrito. We took them home to eat. We had just missed the bus from the Square so decided to walk to the next one that was 0.4 miles from where we were. I was exhausted by the time we reached our destination and my ankle wasn’t too happy either. There was a creepy guy at the bus stop and luckily he got on a different bus than the one we were going on. Thankful for that.

I had to get milk and the paper at Walgreens so we stopped there before coming home. I wanted to get Fruit Loops but it was too expensive. I wasn’t going to pay nearly five bucks for a 10 ounce box. That is just ridiculous. So my cereal craving will have to keep craving.

Now I am home and I am not doing a damn thing other than eat my burrito. My niece did soon as we got home. I don’t think she likes eating in public places and that is why she said she wasn’t hungry. She has anxiety so I understand.

I don’t think my therapist is in the office today because I haven’t heard from her. More anxiety for me. I hope to hear from her tomorrow. I really hope I can have a chat with her. I just feel hopeless because another therapist has decided they can’t work with me anymore. It just makes me feel like a hopeless case and that I can’t be helped so why bother trying. If she acts like a fink and refuses to give me a time this week to talk things over, I’m just going to cancel the appointment next month and say goodbye to her. It’s not worth the aggravation anymore of trying to help myself when I get no help from a professional.

Sunday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 22

I had a somewhat relaxing Sunday. My sister took my niece out and I just vegged while she was away. I then ordered Chinese food for us. It was a good dinner.

I was talking with my friend before dinner. I told her I accidentally skipped my medication all week and I was feeling on the brink of being psychotic/delusional again. I haven’t been on Twitter that much today. I didn’t feel like causing my thinking to become overwhelmed with its content. I had emailed my psychiatrist about it but have not received a response. I might page her tomorrow if I am not feeling a little better.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day. I should have brought down my Kindle so I could read something but I forgot and I don’t feel like climbing up to my room to get it. Writing has been helpful for me to get what I needed on paper.

The house has been cold for most of the day, with the heat turning on intermittingly. I don’t want to turn it up because then it will be too hot. I just been wearing long sleeves and thermal socks. My feet have been cold on and off. I hate when they are cold because when they warm up they hurt more than when they are cold. Then nerve pain creeps into my damaged foot and it’s on fire. Fucking sucks.

While my niece was gone, I was in my room to fill my pill box for the week. I made sure I put in my trilafon. Afterwards, I sat there playing with my phone and thinking about changing my sheets as my laptop was downstairs and that just left the lower corner of my bed to clear off plus the rest of my “office”. I am going to try tomorrow because I couldn’t muster up the motivation to do it today. I just kept looking at the “mess” and wondered where I was going to put the things on my bed so I could change the sheets. I quickly became overwhelmed with it and there went my motivation.

My pain has been minimal today and I am not sure why, though I am not complaining about it. I haven’t been up and down stairs too much today. The nice thing about my sister’s apartment is that the bathroom is on the same floor, unlike my place. I’ve only had to basically go up one flight of stairs today because I haven’t gone up to my room, which is two flights. I only did that to do my pills and that was it. I kind of like being on the first floor. But it’s only for the next two days and then I go back to my room. My sister will be home Tuesday night. I will put my niece to bed and then go up to my room.

The Pats won their game last night. I watched most of it from the comfort of my sister’s bed. It was wonderful. I missed the third quarter because I always under/over estimate how long half time is. I might watch the Steelers/KC game tonight as the winner of that game will be the opponent we have to face next week. The Steelers have been a red hot team this year. It most likely will be them we will face.

I had a cup of coffee a couple of hours ago. It was much stronger than this morning’s cup. I couldn’t drink it all because if I did, I knew I would be up all night. Now I am getting sleepy again. I took my meds so that maybe why. I hope I don’t wake up before 6 tomorrow. I really don’t want another early morning of pain. But if my ankle/foot is just going to hurt me then and not the rest of the day, then fine, let it be that way.

Fun but painful Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fun but painful Saturday

I didn’t have a good sleep, even though I slept late. My lower back was aching, even though I was sleeping on my side. I figure it had to be because of my sister’s bed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do anything because I was in pain but once I started moving around, the pain eased up. I checked the bus schedule and the next bus was in like five minutes. No chance of me catching that bus. The next one was in an hour. I asked my niece if she wanted to go to the Square with me and she did.

We went to the Square and I had my coffee grounded. I also got a cup of coffee. I wasn’t happy that the bitch filled my cup not even half way for a tall in a bigger sized cup. I also bought some K-cups for tomorrow’s coffee. The place my niece wanted to go to had closed down so we went to Chipotle’s. We had burritos and it was yummy. Both of our burritos fell apart so we had to eat it with a fork. We had fun. Then we had to wait an hour for the next bus home. She played on her phone and I wished I brought my headphones with me.

We came home and I went to my room to change. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food but she said she was making cutlets. So I will just order tomorrow night. We had dinner and she made some concoction of vegetables that neither my niece nor I were crazy about. After dinner, I told my niece she could do downstairs while I showered. I needed a shower desperately as I had leaked on the way home and wanted a change of boxers.

I had started a blog about therapy but I lost my train of thought a few times so will go back to it at a later time. It’s still hurting talking about therapy when my therapist and I are having difficulties. I left her a voicemail message asking her to call or text me with a time to meet. I feel we need to talk about this arrangement she has put me in. My psychiatrist has even said that meeting once a month is not really therapy. I am just frustrated that this is happening because of the blogs I wrote. I won’t be sharing my blogs with her anymore, no matter how much they affect our relationship or if I wish to convey something to her. That is, if we can have therapy again on a weekly basis at least.

I just checked my pill box because things haven’t felt right the last few days. Turns out I forgot to put the trilafon in my box for the week. And the bottle is up in my room so I won’t be able to take it tonight either. I just been taking 4 mg a day. No wonder I have been so easily agitated. I had been doing really good at taking it twice a day and now this. WTF. I am such an idiot. Now I know a hospitalization is in my future. I am going to become delusional and psychotic. And when I do, I don’t think the trilafon is going to be effective. Just what I fucking need. UGH.