Tag: bipolar disorder

Random 134

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I saw my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about my therapist and how I should proceed. I really didn’t want to proceed as I had an end date but feared I would be hospitalized if I said that. So I am going to try and talk to my therapist Tuesday. I really don’t like this monthly bullshit and neither does my psych. I would try and talk with her Monday but I am not sure she is in the office or not as it’s a school holiday. I plan on leaving her a voicemail message rather than a text so she can call me and I know she will get the message. If I sent her a text, she might not read it and I will be sitting there wondering when she will respond.

She was worried about me when she read my letter and she is holding me to the trust we have regarding calling her when I need to rather than acting on my impulses. I wish she didn’t say that because I will feel guilty going through with my plan. I think she is going to see me every week until March or until she feels my ideation has settled back to the underground.

Towards the end of our appointment, I asked her if she read my book and she said yes. She said my writing has improved and it’s sophisticated. I think that is the best compliment I ever got. She said she forgot to bring it and I said I will be in next week if you want me to sign it. She laughed.

I felt good about the feedback on my book. I ran an errand after I went to the Square. I had to buy some bread as I was out. I misjudged the bus schedule and had to wait 45 minutes for the next one. I am glad it wasn’t freezing cold out but it was cold enough after 45 minutes! I was starving by the time I was near home. I had to drop off my script to Walgreens so I bought some things and went home. I bought a protein bar and that didn’t help my hunger. I made a black bean burger as it was going to be at least 2 hours before my niece would come home and I could order pizza. While I was eating the burger, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it didn’t like it at all. I was in intense pain. Guess I wasn’t going back to the pharmacy to pick up my script. I had already taken my pain meds so I was fucking screwed. There was nothing I could take. Eventually it settled itself down. I’m still in pain but it’s not as severe.

I was getting drowsy so I had another cup of coffee. I thought the cup I had this morning at my sister’s was caffeinated but it was decaf. I never knew the difference, but then I never had that brand of coffee before. I am glad I had a second cup of coffee at Starbucks. I had Casi Cielo. It was awesome. I got my bag of coffee today so tomorrow I will head to the Square to have it grounded. I also plan on getting some k cups so I can use it on my sister’s Keurig. I had the coffee about an hour ago and already it’s wearing off. I am just so tired. I will be taking my meds soon and my strong pain pill so I should be able to sleep. I’ll let me niece do her own thing tonight. She doesn’t have to get up early tomorrow and neither do I.

Don’t Think That Way

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

“Don’t think that way”

I was reading a friend’s blog. She has dissociative identity disorder and one of her alters was feeling suicidal. That alter wrote a blog about it. Then an idiot commenter wrote “don’t think that way”. It really set me off. I wanted to say something but I didn’t. So I am saying here in my blog. Things like that don’t help at all. If anything it makes the person feel worse than what they already do and it doesn’t validate their feelings at all. It also makes it less likely to reach out the next time that person feels that way. It drives me up a wall when people say things like that.

I am not having a good day. I am in pain and I am still hurting from the fall out of my therapist. I googled all of the names. All but one don’t seem to work for me. Once I am feeling better, I might give her a call. I spoke to my psychiatrist today. She wanted to know how I was doing and I told her I was upset but what else is new. I see her tomorrow so we’ll talk more about it. She said she bought my book and she just received it. She is going to read it. I guess tomorrow I will be signing it.

I was going to do an errand today as the weather was nice. But then my ankle started bothering me and I didn’t feel like going out. It really put me in a shitty mood. I had some Oreos to destress. It didn’t work the way I was hoping but at least my sweet tooth got satisfied. I have been going up and down the stairs most of the day. Probably why my ankle is pissed off. I took some pain meds so I hope to take a nap soon before my niece gets home. I don’t know if I will be able to sleep because I am so agitated. Also, my ankle is starting to have that pain that only responds to the strong pain pill. If I take that, I will be toast the rest of the day.

I was supposed to get new coffee today but it won’t be delivered until tomorrow. Kind of stinks because that means I will have to go to the Square on Saturday to get the beans grounded. I want to try the coffee dammit! I love this coffee because it’s citrusy and has dark cocoa notes. I hate going to Starbucks on Saturday because the buses run every hour.

OMG, I let my niece in the house and when I came back up to my room, the intensity of my ankle pain skyrocketed. I am hurting so bad I could cry. And today is just the first day I am watching my niece. WTF I knew I was going to be in pain today because of my night out last night. But come on! I shouldn’t really be in this much fucking pain. I don’t have control over it and that is what bothers me. Any activity level that I do costs me, even if I don’t leave the house and just go up and down the stairs. This fucking sucks. I took a 3rd pain pill. Sometimes that will be enough to get my pain under control. Otherwise, I am going to have to go back downstairs to my sister’s apartment, take my strong pain pill, and crash there. I really don’t want to do that.

Night on the town

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night on the town

I went south of Boston to see my friends kid have their concert. It went pretty well for a bunch of students. I didn’t like the chorus part of it. It almost put me to sleep, they were singing so softly. The jazz was pretty good. It was good to see my adoptive nephew dancing along with the beats. I loved it.

The ride home was long. The bus ride longer because they were stopping at every mother loving stop. Quite unusual for this time of night. Usually it just sails right on through. Not tonight. I just wanted to get home and out of my brace. My leg was barking and of course, soon as I came out of it, my foot and ankle were. I just hope I am not up all night because I got to get up early to wake my niece for school. I will be watching her the next six days. Holy Moly. Her mother and father are going to Aruba for a wedding. They leave in a few hours.

I was able to communicate to my psychiatrist. I have to call her tomorrow morning and then see her Friday morning. She couldn’t make the afternoon time, which is fine for me because I got to be home for my niece. I am glad there is only three school days I have to get her up for. This weekend is Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Birthday so Monday is no school.

I wrote a lot in my journal about my therapist’s situation. I still can’t believe I went from twice a week to monthly. I think I really pushed her away. She didn’t even wait for me to get another therapist or anything. Just here are some names and work on it. See ya in a month. I am not going to work on anything. I googled the first name and she is a trauma therapist. She is a little ways up from where my therapist used to be on Mass Ave. I have no idea if she is taking new clients or suicidal ones at that. I just can’t bring myself to call when the fear of rejection is so damn high. Plus, having a suicidal date in the mix doesn’t exactly give me hope that it will work out anyways.

I don’t know what I expect my psychiatrist to do. She isn’t my therapist, per se. But I have a feeling I will be seeing her more than I am going to see my therapist. I am so tempted to cancel my therapist’s appointment and just say fuck you, see you later to her. But I can’t bring myself to. Besides, she will probably think I am joking and not cancel the appointment. She is so frustrating and dense. Even when you are serious, she thinks you are joking.

I don’t get why I didn’t have a say in the monthly business. She just made the decision and now I am supposed to play along? What the hell is that? She says it’s so she “doesn’t go back to her old habits”. I don’t fucking get it. How is meeting once a month going to help me? We spent more time playing catch up during our phone call yesterday than we did actual therapy so how is that going to fucking work? I am so hurt right now it’s not funny. I just don’t even want to deal with her right now, at all. I thought we were going to end, not meet on a monthly basis. It would be fine if it was maintenance therapy or something but it’s not. I can’t help but think I scared her away and now I have no therapist because I am a hopeless case. Took four years but I’m finally there. Least I found out now rather than later. Now I just need to end this pathetic existence.

Therapy-less

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy-less

My airhead therapist got the times wrong for our session. She thought we were meeting today, not tomorrow. I am glad I canceled the Zipcar because I would have been pissed to show up and find I didn’t have an appointment. So we talked today.

She decided that we are going to talk monthly when I can get the zipcar and go out to see her, in person. She gave me names of five therapists, all female, in the area. I have no intention of calling any of them. I am not seeing another therapist again.

We talked about my pain and anxiety levels, my phone fiasco and being phoneless, and that was about it. She didn’t ask about my suicidality and I didn’t tell her. I was tempted to tell her about my dissociation I had last night but I didn’t. I felt like she wanted to keep the conversation light so I didn’t get into anything dark.

Today is our anniversary. I asked her if I could see her tomorrow and she said no. She doesn’t want to fall into her old habits. I was crushed but I didn’t let on about it. She wants to keep this as a monthly thing, fine. I will be dead soon anyways so it doesn’t matter. As we were setting up our next appointment, it was the week after that I would be dead. I felt sad about not telling her this but oh well.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know. She responded saying she wants to see me tomorrow but I had already made plans to see some friends. I will just keep our appointment for Friday. It would be nice to see her tomorrow but I really want to see my friends. I haven’t seen them in a long time. It would be good meeting them again.

For the first time in sixteen years, I am without a therapist on a regular basis. I have gone from twice a week to monthly. And it’s not because I have recovered or my symptoms have diminished. It’s because my therapist doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. Frankly, I don’t think the monthly bullshit is going to work out. I mean, why even bother? The least she could have done was wait until I had a therapist set up before going monthly. That would have made more sense, but nope. Not going to happen. So neither is me calling a therapist she gave me. I will check each of the names on Google to see what I can learn about them, though. Maybe if I see something in their profile it might change my mind and I will call her. We’ll see.