Tag: Blogging

listening to 1989 again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Listening to 1989 again

I completely love the album 1989 by Taylor Swift. It is one of my top favorite albums. So I am listening to it all day until the game tonight.

I had therapy and my therapist wanted to discuss what went on last week. She said that it is looking like I have Treatment Resistant Depression as I have failed multiple trials of antidepressants. She said that I could try avenues of TMS or ECT. I have tried to get TMS for a while but my prescriber has always let the conversation die in the mist of discussion. But medication isn’t the answer for me. She is still wanting me to try groups and shit. We talked about stuff I could do with my time. She brought up writer groups and I thought about the writer’s group in Boston but they are way out of my price range. One class is like $400. So this isn’t an option for me.

I wanted to bring up trauma but I really didn’t want to get into it. We have danced around it for a while but we never have delved into it much. Trouble is I have so much trauma, I don’t know what to talk about first. Do I talk about the trauma with my mother, father, ex, medical profession, cousin, or just the vicarious trauma life throws at you? I also had a therapist that took advantage of me when I was a teen. She knew I had feelings for her so she thought she could use them and my insurance to drag out sessions. I read her notes and she said that I would do best with an insightful therapist as I had good insights. I also have a lot of therapists that left their scars with me when they left. Some of the therapists I still keep in touch with. Some have left and never seen again.

I ordered Chinese food because I am addicted to Kung Pao from Panda Express. They make it with zucchini and I love zucchini. It ought to clear my sinuses up. I have such a sinus headache right now from all the sneezing I have been doing today. What really sucked was when I was cathing I got a sneeze attack. Luckily urine didn’t go everywhere and the catheter stayed inside of me.  Fucking a man. I hate when that happens.

I have realized that Blank Space is my therapist’s song. “got a long list of ex lovers who will tell you I’m insane” is perfect for all the ex therapists I have had over the years. Omg who is she I get drunk on jealousy but you’ll come back every time you leave because darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream. So it’s gonna be forever or is it gonna go down in flames? The lyrics are just hitting me. I’ve been listening to the song on repeat for the past hour.

My food will be here soon. The driver had another drop off before mine so it is delayed. I hate when that happens. They say that it is cost effective but for who? I am the one waiting the extra time for my food.

I need to shave my head today. I might shower but it doesn’t look likely. I’ve gotten back in the habit of shaving. I love the bald feel of my head.

a day of business calls

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder

A day of business calls

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up every fricken hour from 1a on. I finally gave up sleeping at 7. I took my meds and then paid my bills. I had enough left over to put some funds in Starbucks and buy a book. I then put my alarm on for 930 so I could see if I could sleep for an hour before I had to get up and ready for getting my haircut. I didn’t sleep. I kept on getting notifications that kept me up. I should have turned off my phone or put the no disturb on so just my alarm would go off. I will have to remember that for next time.

I had my coffee and biscuits. My sister came up for a short time to tell me about my sister in law. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in March and now it has metastasized to her abdomen. She is now in hospice care. Her family is in denial that she is sick which isn’t helping her. Apparently she is so depressed over the news she just isn’t doing much to take care of herself and is in the ICU because she is dehydrated. I feel bad for her. My brother in law is also in denial about her sister’s health. I just feel bad for her son. He is going through so much.

After I had coffee I got dressed and ready for the bus. I had planned on going to Starbucks after the haircut but forgot my bag so I just went to get a drink for me and my barber. On the way back to the barber shop I became short of breath again. I don’t know why as it is all level ground, no inclines or hills. I know this is because of Covid and being deconditioned. My PT said my breathing would be the last to be better. I want to be better now! Dammit.

After I got my haircut, I was again out of breath when I got home. I had to sit in the kitchen for a bit to relax before going up to my room. I had some water and then went up to my room. I changed into my PJs, turned on the AC, checked my phone for more messages and then rested for a couple of hours. I didn’t sleep but the rest did me good. I was finally able to call my insurance and find out why the copays were so high. Turns out my PT place is billing several dates of service under one date so it looks like one visit is costing me $30, $50, or $60 dollars depending on how many visits is processed.  I emailed the billing and asked why wasn’t this reflected in my statement so it doesn’t look like one visit is costing me more than my $15 copay. I am waiting for a response.

I also called uro because I need catheters. I have one box left. The nurse I left a message to called the supply company and they said they would rush the order. I still have to have my provider change the daily catheter number so I can get more catheters to hold me through the month. I sent a message 5 days ago and haven’t heard back so I sent another message asking what the status is.

All this calling made me tired and seeing as I didn’t eat anything, I was also nervous/anxious. I took an Ativan and ordered Chinese food, my favorite dish, Kung Pao chicken. It was so good. They didn’t have the double order like before. I guess you can only order a bowl now, which is sad. I might have to change to another Chinese restaurant to get more Kung Pao rather than more rice. I just didn’t want to place a big order.

I got a response to the message I sent to my therapist the other day. She isn’t happy with me because I sent her “provocative” text messages. I was having a bad pain day yesterday and was texting her about what I was taking. I guess she took it as “provocative” messages. She also said repeatedly that she knows my knowledge of things is great and she said this throughout the session. Funny, I don’t remember her saying that at all. I guess when she said I didn’t go to med school, it threw out whatever else she was saying. I am trying to do what she has asked of me by doing the work outside of therapy like doing the work in the suicidal thoughts workbook. I have been meaning to do it but I am just too tired because I haven’t slept good the past few nights and been in a lot of pain.

I don’t know if I am going to listen to the game tonight. I am feeling awfully tired and I don’t know if the game will cause me to get agitated if there are bad plays. I get involved in my games when I am listening or watching it. I am going to take my night meds early because I want to make sure I go to bed at a decent hour. Last night I was late in taking my meds and it disrupted my sleep. I also bought 3mg of melatonin to take at the suggestion of my psychiatrist. I told him the 5 mg was giving me a hangover the next day. We’ll see if the 3 mg is better.

Had a day out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

Had a day out

I had therapy this morning and just like I predicted my therapist got on her high horse and told me to take my meds. I told her I wanted a break from antidepressants and she was like no. Then she said that I didn’t go to medical school so I should trust my psychiatrist and start the new antidepressant. She also said that I should listen to my providers (like her) and do the things they suggest. She called me out and I was pissed. I couldn’t find fault with her argument and that made me madder. I asked if she wanted proof that I take my meds and she said no. But when we were discussing things to do outside of therapy, I am to send proof I am doing it. There were at least three times during session I wanted to leave. I honestly don’t know why I stayed to be reprimanded on my actions or rather inactions.

I am listening to Jeremy by Pearl Jam, a song about teenage suicide. It is one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs because the lyrics speak to me. As I am listening to it now I think about suicide and how my life has revolved around it for more than 30 years. I often wonder why I am still fucking alive. I just live with suicidality. With the exception of the attempt in 2019, I have not acted on my thoughts in a good 15 years. I have been hospitalized a few times during that time but not because I attempted.

After therapy, I need to go out. I shaved and then showered. Then took the bus to the Square. I went to Chipotle for lunch and then I did a little grocery shopping because my mother needed bananas and I needed half and half. It was hot and I was sweating like a pig. It wasn’t muggy just hot.

I am going to write my therapist a note because I am pissed she has dismissed my knowledge of meds because I “didn’t go to med school”. You don’t learn the lethal doses of medications or their pharmokinetics by going to med school. I probably know more than a first year med student. What’s next, I don’t know anything about therapy because I don’t have a PsyD? I guess all the time I was studying psychology in college was a waste. I took pharmacology in college so I think I know a little more than the average Joe. Plus I read a lot about medicine and drugs. I’ve been studying psych meds since I was 15.

I sent my therapist part of the paragraph above because I think it is important she know how pissed I am that she doubted my knowledge of meds. I am glad I went out but it cost me. My legs were feeling weak on the way home. I was really tired from the heat. I didn’t take a nap because I was too restless. I watched a few episode of Community. Such a stupid show to watch.

Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, suicidality

Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

I have been having an anxiety attack the past few days. I don’t know what set it off. I was reading an info graphic about the difference between panic attack and anxiety attack. I read it and found I had anxiety I was feeling. Been like this for the past three days. I took some Ativan like my therapist said and did some deep breathing exercises. It helped a little but I am still on edge.

My mother wasn’t well this morning. Her sugar was low but the meter thing didn’t detect it or go off. My sister said she was still off so I took her blood pressure. Her pressure was low and then we found out she was taking an extra fluid pill that affects blood pressure. We called her doctor and told us to take the BP a few times a day each day and then call next week with the readings. I have been taking her blood pressure manually all day. It has not returned to normal. It is still low but she is not having symptoms so I think she is fine. She has been drinking fluids and we gave her some Gatorade to try and get her sugar up as well. I made dinner of chicken with BBQ sauce and rice. It was a good meal for cooking for the first time. I never made it before. I wanted to grill it but I didn’t have access to the grill. I plan on taking my mother’s blood pressure one more time before she goes to bed.

I got aggravated when my sister texted me again to take her blood pressure all so she could go out. I am pissed at this. I told her I wasn’t going to take it until bed time and she pulls this shit. She said she ordered a monitor and good luck with my mother being a good patient with that. I know my sister she will take her BP every fricken hour or every half hour to see if there is a change. Pisses me off because what is she going to do with the readings?? She isn’t a medical professional like I am. I know what to do which is why I had called the cardiologist to find out what to do about my mother’s low pressure. I am sure if it gets lower she will have to go to the hospital for fluids. Doesn’t help she has soft diarrhea like stool.

I am so annoyed. My stomach has been bloated the past few days because I am constipated. I have been taking Miralax since Monday and have not had a movement all week. I took a double dose of Miralax this afternoon. I just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. I feel stuff moving but I still have not had the urge to go. It is frustrating me. To help my anxiety I have been taking Neurontin. Surprisingly I have been ok with a large dose. I haven’t walked into any walls. I just been on edge. My anxiety is getting really bad and I don’t know why. I took my night meds early because I have been up since 0530 and haven’t had a chance to nap all day.

I went grocery shopping and spent over a hundred dollars on food. I bought cold cuts, fruit, yogurt, juice, and my Gatorade but I forgot to buy onions like my mother wanted. I forgot to put them on my list. I brought 4 bags of stuff up the stairs and I was so winded. It took a really long time for me to catch my breath. The bags were not heavy but were heavy enough to cause shortness of breath. I was really fatigued afterwards. I had my mother help me put the things away. Then I ate my ice cream that I bought. It had rum in it but because Covid affected my taste, I couldn’t really taste the rum like before. It was a real bummer.

I have started my taper of citalopram and I think I am going to stop taking antidepressants for a while to see what happens. I have been feeling ok the past few weeks. I know I have had suicidal urges but I haven’t been depressed. People think that you can only have suicidal thoughts if you are depressed and I don’t think that is true. I think suicidal thoughts can be independent of a mood disorder. I firmly believe this.