Tag: Blogging

Therapy-less

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy-less

My airhead therapist got the times wrong for our session. She thought we were meeting today, not tomorrow. I am glad I canceled the Zipcar because I would have been pissed to show up and find I didn’t have an appointment. So we talked today.

She decided that we are going to talk monthly when I can get the zipcar and go out to see her, in person. She gave me names of five therapists, all female, in the area. I have no intention of calling any of them. I am not seeing another therapist again.

We talked about my pain and anxiety levels, my phone fiasco and being phoneless, and that was about it. She didn’t ask about my suicidality and I didn’t tell her. I was tempted to tell her about my dissociation I had last night but I didn’t. I felt like she wanted to keep the conversation light so I didn’t get into anything dark.

Today is our anniversary. I asked her if I could see her tomorrow and she said no. She doesn’t want to fall into her old habits. I was crushed but I didn’t let on about it. She wants to keep this as a monthly thing, fine. I will be dead soon anyways so it doesn’t matter. As we were setting up our next appointment, it was the week after that I would be dead. I felt sad about not telling her this but oh well.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know. She responded saying she wants to see me tomorrow but I had already made plans to see some friends. I will just keep our appointment for Friday. It would be nice to see her tomorrow but I really want to see my friends. I haven’t seen them in a long time. It would be good meeting them again.

For the first time in sixteen years, I am without a therapist on a regular basis. I have gone from twice a week to monthly. And it’s not because I have recovered or my symptoms have diminished. It’s because my therapist doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. Frankly, I don’t think the monthly bullshit is going to work out. I mean, why even bother? The least she could have done was wait until I had a therapist set up before going monthly. That would have made more sense, but nope. Not going to happen. So neither is me calling a therapist she gave me. I will check each of the names on Google to see what I can learn about them, though. Maybe if I see something in their profile it might change my mind and I will call her. We’ll see.

Protected: to be or not to be, that is the question

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Pain Filled Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain filled Monday

I woke up in some serious pain this morning. I took my regular pain meds and waited to nod off back to sleep. As I was lying down, my pain intensified. It was the barbed wire type pain only responds to the strong pain pill. It was around 0800 in the morning and already my day was turning to hell. I reluctantly took the pill because what choice did I have. It was either be in pain all day or not. I chose not. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house. It was freezing out anyways.

I woke up and was hungry. I had a protein bar because I didn’t feel like making something to eat. Least not yet anyways. A few hours later I was really hungry and seeing as I was in pain and didn’t give a fuck (my normal pain had returned, lucky me), I made a deep dish pizza. I also had some Oreos but I limited myself to four.

Last night I decided to email my psychiatrist the letter I wrote her last week. She responded and thanked me for sharing it. I don’t know what is going to happen on my appointment come this Friday. I am really nervous about it. I don’t know what she is going to say when I meet her in person.

I had to cancel my car reservation to see my therapist on Wed because my mother’s phone is down and the technician can only come out during the time I would have to leave Boston. Seeing as I only have a working phone right now, if they call and need access to our line, I will have to let them in because my mother can’t hear the doorbell nor could I call her to let her know the tech is there. Oh well, I will just have to have a phone session. I will reschedule once I have a better idea on where our relationship is going anyways.

I can’t believe my ankle has been bothering me for almost a full 24 hours. Soon as my pain meds wear off, it starts up again. It’s driving me nuts. I just took more pills. I take my night meds in about an hour, might be sooner than that because I want to go to bed soon. I swear if I wake up in pain tomorrow morning, I am going to call my doc and be placed on a different medication. I just can’t live like this anymore, I really can’t. I’m doing my best not to attempt suicide but this pain is really testing my limits and patience.

I got the first sale of my book today. My little cousin bought a signed copy and I received the money today. She sent me a sweet little note with it. I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail out the books. I also need to get more mailers. I like the ones the post office have because they’re more sturdy than the ones at Walgreens.

do nothing on a snowy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Do nothing on a snowy Sunday

It was freezing out so I didn’t go anywhere and just stayed in bed. My ankle wasn’t appreciative of the efforts. The times I did have to get up and go downstairs, it rebelled more. But I had to eat and use the bathroom so there was nothing I could do. I tried to stay on my diet today but it didn’t work out that way. But I stayed away from cookies so that was a plus.

Today was snow clearing day. I hope tomorrow I will be able to go out. I need to get my prescription and some items at Walgreens. I don’t think I will be going to the Square but who knows, my mood might change. I got to go to the post office, too. Lots of errands tomorrow.

I did some writing in my journal. I have been trying to write in it every day but the past few days, I got side tracked. I basically wrote an update with my psychiatrist and where we are now with my suicidality. I also wrote about meeting my therapist this week. It might end up being a phone session because there is rain in the forecast. I hate driving in the rain so it might be better to wait a week. I don’t know. I’ll check the forecast Tuesday and see what the weather is going to be like before cancelling my reservation for the car. The weather might change by then.

Pain has been a constant for me today. Either my foot or my ankle keeps flaring up. Sometimes, both. It’s so annoying because I don’t know what pain pill to take and what time to take it because it is so sporadic. Just becomes so frustrating. And the type of pain varies as well. Just drives me nuts.

I finally sold a Kindle book. I am excited about that. A friend of mine in Ireland bought it. She wants me to help her publish her poems. She writes really good poems. She sent me the document today to look over, which I will do some time this week. It will give me something to do.

I sent last night’s blog to my psychiatrist but I haven’t received a response. Maybe she hasn’t read it yet. I haven’t sent my therapist any blogs other than the one I wrote before our break. It was about our relationship. I miss sending her stuff but with my suicidality being so bad, I really don’t want her to know if we are ending. I still don’t know if this is going to happen or not. I will find out Wednesday what her decision will be. It still kills me that after sixteen years, she finally figures out she can’t help me anymore. I feel so let down and heartbroken.