Tag: Blogging

Terrible Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Terrible night

I just watched, via Twitter, the first presidential debate in my life and it was horrible. I am really afraid of what is going to happen when Trump is not president. I think a civil war might break out or something else. I am very scared of these times.

Pain has come back. My foot is throbbing and burning me. I can’t take another dose of pain meds for another half hour. I am really depressed. On Twitter there was other talk about suicide and talking out about it. It’s kind of bullshit because if you do talk about it on social media, you might get the police at your door the next day. I also found out through the State Police there was a jumper off the Tobin. He is alive and was taken to the hospital. I feel bad for him.

I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist. I guess she hasn’t read my blogs yet. It bothers me that she hasn’t read them. I don’t know why. They are old news now, sort of. I still can’t believe that she gave me a 4 week appointment. I might be gone by the next time I am supposed to see her.

There is so much I want to write about how I am feeling but I am scared someone is going to call the cops on me if I write it. I just feel so low and suicidal. I am tired of living with pain. I can’t go on with this bullshit anymore. Tomorrow I have to go up the hill to get the car. It’s going to be a hike. I don’t know if I will be able to do it but it’s too late now to cancel the reservation. My other car that I have been using isn’t available so I had to go up the street rather than down. I will be wearing my AFO so hopefully there won’t be any problems.

I am nervous about seeing my therapist tomorrow. I know we need to talk about my suicidal stuff but I really don’t want to because she doesn’t listen all the time. She tends to talk too much and then I just shut down. She does this every single time I get suicidal. Then I get mad and we fight. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to die. And I don’t get why she wants me to live. She keeps saying that she can’t imagine a world without me in it. She doesn’t understand how tiring it is to live when you don’t want to. I’m not saying it’s easy to give up because I have tried to kill myself many times and failed. I just want to try one more time and if it doesn’t work, then I will stop trying. If I should succeed, then so be it. It was meant to be.

This talk is what is going on in my head. I know that it will hurt many people in my life. I am not stupid about the pain suicide causes. But living while being in pain is worse. It tears you up like you won’t believe. And there is no relieving this pain, this psychache. There was a time where I kept track of it. I had a scale that I used. But my physical pain overshadows my emotional pain so it’s become useless to me. There are other assessments used for the treatment of suicide but my therapist is a fink and won’t use them. She just want to know the “one thing” that will make me less suicidal and that is all she gets from the forms. Drives me crazy.

Another Rough Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Rough Monday

It’s another cold day so of course my ankle is acting up. I wanted to go to Starbucks and mail a letter to a friend but that isn’t happening. My check came in this morning so I paid some bills and reserved Zipcars for the next two weeks. I also ordered my groceries for the month. Then I ordered some Chinese food as there was no way I could cook with my ankle being a bugger. Just going down the stairs was trouble.

I am feeling depressed about being in pain. I hate that it happens when I wake up because it spoils the day. I then have to take pain meds which make me feel tired and I need to sleep. So I probably will be sleeping most of the afternoon. I don’t feel like doing anything. Maybe I will make some coffee in a little bit, though I really don’t feel like having it. I much rather have espresso with soy milk.

Sox are not playing today. They have the day off. They could clinch the division today and they will celebrate if they do. I have the whole afternoon and evening to do nothing. It’s depressing. I swear the only time I really get a chance to get out of the house is to go to Starbucks. But that is on a good, pain free day. I suppose I could push through the pain but that never works for me. I end up hurting more and then I am done for a few days.

I took a couple hours nap. I needed it. My mother called as I was waking up and asked if I was still in pain. I said ya and then she asked again, ya or no. Unreal. Even on the phone she doesn’t hear you. She was making hot dogs and potatoes. I didn’t feel like eating. I told her I would eat later. I really wanted to finish off the Chinese food that I bought for lunch.

I have been texting my woes to my therapist all day. I found out it’s going to be raining tomorrow and I HATE driving in the rain. More idiots are on the road and they can’t seem to drive. I have the car an extra half hour and I am probably going to need it on the way back. I wanted to go to the grocery store and get some spice cake as I saw another awesome pumpkin cake recipe that I would love to try. It sucks that I am the only one that likes pumpkin in my house. I want to make these pumpkin treats but I can’t eat them all! I will be 300 pounds! I plan on making cupcakes for my therapist next week. Those look better than the ones that I made previously. Then a friend of mine sent me another recipe for pumpkin fluff. It looks really good as it has vanilla pudding in it. That just seems like heaven!

Tonight starts the presidential debates. Oh joy. I can’t wait for the name calling to begin. I think I will go to bed early to stay off Twitter and the ridiculousness of the candidates. Trump’s campaign has already told the media “not to fact check things”. Yea, okay. Buffoon. Maybe I will watch “American President” again and pray Shepard goes against Hillary, that Trump is just a joke.

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

After the ballgame and baking, I retreated to the confines of my room to relax my ankle who was bugging me. The two slices of cake that I had were my lunch and I wasn’t up for dinner. I participated in BPD Chat and it was a good chat. Then I got hungry and didn’t know what to make. So I finally decided baked beans and a hot dog would be okay. As I went downstairs to make my dinner, my mother saw what I was wearing. A hoodie because I was cold. She said to shut the kitchen windows. I said okay, thinking nothing of it. I got my stuff for my meal and went into the kitchen.

First thing I did was shut the windows and that was when trouble started. As I reached and stretched to get at the handles, my right hip didn’t like it at all. I closed the first window without too much difficulty but the second one caused me considerable amount of pain. I stood still for a while to let it pass, thinking nothing serious had happened. My mother had emptied the silverware from the strainer thingy so I decided to put them away. No straining or stretching but my back gave out on me. I couldn’t move an inch without severe pain. I yelled for my mother, but she is deaf. I didn’t know if I could let go of the counter to reach my cell to call her. I gingerly did so.

My mother came to the kitchen and I was paralyzed in pain. She helped me to a chair and I sat for a little bit. She helped open the baked beans and got a hot dog out. I also told her to take out some burgers so I can have them for tomorrow. Meanwhile I am in the chair and wondering how I am going to even eat dinner with my back killing me. I just sat there as there was nothing else I could do, least for the next few minutes. It was scary because I didn’t know how bad this was going to be. I really wanted to see my therapist Tuesday to give her some cake, but if my back was out, I couldn’t drive. I slowly moved and was able to get a pan for the water to cook the hot dog. I was being real gingerly moving as I didn’t want another spasm of pain. By the time I finished my meal, the pain abated but I was still sore.

The temps have dropped dramatically in the last 24 hours and will continue to drop into the night as they are calling for frost conditions. My back HATES temperature fluctuations of more than 10-20 degrees or more. It will just switch to being out and there is nothing I can do about it until the temp normalizes, which, in New England, can be days to weeks. All I need to do is something small and it will go out or do nothing at all and I am laid up. I must have closed those damn kitchen windows a million times and they have never caused me pain like they did today.

Sad Day in Baseball

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

Sad Day in Baseball

I woke up and checked Twitter like I normally do. I saw that Jose Fernandez was trending. That is sometimes a good or a bad thing. Then I saw a tweet that say RIP and I had to click on the trend to find out what happened to him. He was a great young pitcher for the Marlins. Apparently there was a boating accident and he was one of three victims. I feel so bad. A few of the Sox that knew him are taking it very hard. On WEEI, they had a commercial with his voice for 5 hour Energy. I had no idea who he was until I looked him up. I usually don’t pay attention to players on teams other than the Red Sox.

Sox don’t play until 1300. It’s going to be a solemn game. The Rays were going to have a ceremony for Big Papi but he requested to cancel it in light of the accident and death of his friend. The Rays informally presented him with some gifts. Papi is retiring at the end of the season.

I watched part of the game while making my pumpkin cake. It was sad whenever they mentioned Jose. Sox are leading right now 2-1. I hope the score stays that way. My cake came out so very good. I had two slices. I don’t think I am going to eat anything the rest of the day. It’s very filling.