Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, physical pain

Problems

I have problems. Quite a few. I have mental illness and chronic physical pain. Both make me want to take my life. I know that you might think that the depression is causing me to think about it but it really isn’t. I am not depressed. I am in pain and when pain levels get beyond a certain point for me, I think about killing myself.

It’s after midnight. My therapist texted me back about how sorry she is that I am in pain. I asked her if I should take my heavy dose of pain meds as the moderate pain meds have not touched my pain and it is too soon to take another dose. Now my toes have been on fire and feel like they are in a vise. I hate feeling this way.

Pain is the main reason most people want to kill themselves. There has been multiple studies about how people in chronic pain want to end their life because it is not a malignant type of pain. Meaning that it is not terminal, you are not going to die from whatever it is causing you this pain. I have what is called complex regional pain syndrome that was caused by cauda equina syndrome. I have been suffering with this CRPS the past year and a half. I was diagnosed finally sometime in November in 2011. Once I was diagnosed, my life began to fall apart. I quit one of my two jobs and then four months later I was out of my second job because they could not accommodate my medical restrictions. I basically can’t walk correctly. I tried to correct it with an AFO but the pain still persists. Like tonight. My leg is swollen and I really want to fillet it open to get the shit out of it. But it will be against medical advice to do so. I don’t know why. My theory is that if the shit was drained it might get better. I don’t have the equipment to really drain it but I can cut it open and squeeze the until the shit comes out. Or maybe I just want to see the blood and see what color it is. You see when the pain gets this bad, I don’t think my leg is mine anymore. I think it belongs to an alien so why not cut it. I might not have a scalpel but I have sharp razors. I have bandages. I have tape. Cutting is something that I am familiar with but I am used to cutting my wrist up. I have the scars to prove it. The only thing that is really stopping me is the sound. A few years ago I cut my leg to see if it would stop the pain. And I didn’t like the sound. It was like cardboard getting cut. My leg was cardboard and there was even little blood. It was like I didn’t cut at all no matter how deep I was cutting.

So what am I to do except to write about how sucky my life is because of these conditions. So I have problems that no one has any answers for. That no one can help me with. It is very frustrating and makes you feel alone. You want to reach out but who do you reach out to at midnight or time after that? It was a fluke that my therapist answered me. She usually doesn’t answer my texts. I could page my psychiatrist but there is nothing she can do except tell me to go to the emergency room. I don’t want to stay there all night for a psych consult that will just end up sending me home anyway. I’m self-injurious but I am not suicidal at the moment. I’ll be able to get out of the hospital admission by saying that I promise not to do it. Which I won’t because I really don’t want to hear that sound.

Music is awesome. On my MP3 player Love Story is playing, it is my favorite time of all time. A song that I can listen to over and over again without getting sick of it. And it relaxes me. So maybe between the two pain killers, and the rest of my meds I can finally go to sleep…

shame of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today I got my bi-monthly journal of the American Association of Suicidology, Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. My cousin came over and my mother said to him that I like reading that kind of material. I do but on another level, I feel embarrassed. I know I am taking it personally because it is personal. I attempted suicide many times over the years and each time I fail it is not only a failure, but it also is an embarrassment to my ego. I have the scars to show of the self injurious behavior I have had over the years. Again, an embarrassment of my illness. I don’t know why I feel this way. Or maybe shame is another reason I feel embarrassed. I don’t know. But it hurts. It hurts knowing that I failed and I am still here. I don’t know why it does but it hurts like hell. I have not told anyone about the shame that I feel other than my blog and maybe my therapist. There is so much I tell her that I sometimes forget if I tell her about the shame of living. I know people who have attempted don’t like to talk openly to the person in front of them about their story of attempt. I don’t think I can speak openly in front of a crowd of people and tell them I have attempted and failed and now I feel like a complete and utter failure. That I want to try again and succeed just to try to cheat death. But I have people that rely on me to be here and though I sometimes resent them for it and even hate them for it, I still continue living. I don’t enjoy living. It’s a constant struggle for me for one thing to another. It’s more of a hassle living than anything. Between the chronic pain that I feel physically to the chronic pain I feel emotionally, why bother? But I do because I don’t think I can ever again act on my feelings. I lost what is called lethality. And until I get it back, I am still going to be living this so called hell called life.

had enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, physical pain, suicide

Today was interesting and bad. It was interesting because for the first time, I was at Starbucks and there was a mentally ill guy there just ranting on all the customers, mumbling something and he was asked to leave but didn’t. he just took his jacket off and told the guy next to him this is going to get interesting for the next 30 mins. The manager of the store decided to call the cops. I was in the middle of an email and said god only knows what as all this was going on and left the store. I wasn’t hanging around to find out what this guy had up his sleeve.

I had ordered a plain latte to try it out. Never again. It was so plain, LOL. I went across the street and had lunch at McD’s. I really wanted a big Mac. Then decided to go home so hell can start. I had to go to the bathroom by the time I got home. Because my nerve condition affects my bowels, it’s hard to go sometimes and today was the mother load. I felt like I was trying to push out a tuba but only rabbit turds came out. The hardness caused some bleeding and I thought great, I’m bleeding from the front and back now as I still have my fucking menses till god knows when! My mother decides she has to go so I had to hurry up. I ended up getting stuff everywhere, rushing so my mother doesn’t end up peeing herself. I never had a day like today. And it still is wicked humiliating to me. The psychache just too much. I just am so numb, well emotionally. Right now my feet are doing a cramping dance because they are cold despite warm socks. I just hate that I can’t go to the bathroom like I did before all this CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) entered my life. I feel really bad because I NEVER had shit on the bathroom floor before but there must have been some stuff there after I wiped and I didn’t know so when I got up it fell on the floor. Luckily my mother didn’t notice it or I would have said I stepped in dog shit (even though clearly there was no shit on my shoes). I just want to die from embarrassment.

To say that today has been a shitty day is an understatement. But this is the life I live now. My nerves no longer tell me where my stool is. Half the time I go pee and hear plunk. My biggest fear is when I have loose stool. That is when I really have no control. The hardest part is that I wanted to tell someone but I had no one to really tell. I belong to a support group and could have gone there but lately all my post there have been negative and I know they would have understood but I just feel like a burden to them because I need their support sometimes too much lately. And it’s not like I can explain it to my family. They would freak out and I know there would be that awkward day where my mother would ask if I shit myself today because she thinks it’s being supportive. But it’s not. I hate telling her anything about my condition. She blames me for having my surgery, even though it was an emergency. I had no choice. It was either surgery or never walk again. The second time I didn’t tell them why. It was because I was losing control of my bladder. I also had wicked bad leg pain. My surgeon was surprised I was still able to walk with the disc material in my spine where it shouldn’t be. I still have the pics on my private Facebook page to show my fellow CESers the material. Normally you can’t get that stuff but because I worked in the path dept at the time, I knew who to talk to about getting it. I wanted to see for myself what it looked like. This was only for my second diagnosis. My first one I missed the disc by a few days. It’s like having a trophy but also a reminder of what these buggers can do when they get wrapped up in your nerves when they shouldn’t. I had one disc fragment embedded in my L3 nerve for a few days. I lost use of my left leg and it took months of rehab to get it back. Too bad it didn’t help my foot drop on the same side. I never learned to walk correctly or if I did, it was only when I was a fatigued that I would not. It’s so hard knowing now that I am not working whether being stationary is helping or not. I know I did a lot of walking today and it felt good but now I am paying the price with cramps in my feet.

ramblings 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, physical pain, psychache, writing

I’m hurting tonight. Left leg is swollen and hurts like a SOB. I hope I get some sleep tonight as I got to get up early tomorrow. I have an appointment with a group leader I hope to get into a group with. I don’t know if it will work out as the walk is a hike from the T station. I’m worried I might not make it. I’ll bring my cane tomorrow just in case my leg is in support. I know it is because it is snowing out.

Today was my niece’s birthday party. I made chicken wings for the party. They were gone by the end of it. Everyone loves my chicken wings.

I got a paper I need to revise for an upcoming blog post. I have had a chance to do it today and doesn’t look like I am going to do it tonight as I am pretty medicated, or will be. The pain started when I woke up this afternoon. My sister kept calling me like every friggen hour on making the wings so I didn’t get much sleep. I hope it doesn’t last long because it will drive me crazy and it doesn’t help me walking.

I hate waking up early for any reason but tomorrow I will make an exception and go to this appointment. I hope it is for the good because I really want something that gets me out of the house and maybe help my mood somewhat.