Tag: CES

fears are rampant

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Just when I thought my fears were behind me, they were right there in front of me all along. I woke up from my nap and had to pee really bad. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to wait. Not really good with someone with a nerve injury but it was too late to go to my sister’s apartment to use her bathroom. I didn’t have to wait too long and when I sat on the toilet, I couldn’t go. I already had retention on starting, but it seems to be getting worse. I was trying to relax so I could go and eventually I did but it wasn’t a powerful stream and it seemed to take forever to empty my bladder. Least I hope it is empty. I don’t know what this means, well, I kind of do. Tomorrow I need to push up the MRI date. If the disc is affecting my nerves to bladder, that can only mean trouble. I really don’t want to have to cath. I know people do, but it always leads to infections and such.

I haven’t had a number 2 either lately. I am always constipated so I don’t know if this is just a missed day or what. I am fearful though. I took a senna tonight to get the ball moving again. I didn’t take one last night because I forgot. I am back to my hodgepodge med taking week. I’m just taking whatever I feel like taking because I am too lazy to fill my pill box.

I hope this was a one time thing, that my fears that my bladder function is in peril is just that, a fear. I don’t think I can stand the poking and prodding to deal with this, just to move up my MRI in the ER. The thing is, I should have excruciating back pain like I did the last time I had CES and I don’t. I have a little pain but it’s not excruciating. It’s minor compared to what my ankle feels like.

I wish my therapist was here so I can talk to her about this. I can email my psychiatrist but I don’t want to worry her. She’ll probably tell me to go to the ER anyways, something I don’t want to do, especially right before the New Year. I’d rather have a psych admission than go to the ER for this. I guess I should be grateful that it’s not the other extreme where I lose control of my bladder all together. That is something that has been terrifying me the last 15 years or so.

Nyquil is kicking in. Maybe I can just sleep on it and this will all be just a dream.

CDC and Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, suicide

“I invite chronic pain patients who rely on medications & are still alive, to offer their expertise to the public conversation.”
Terri A. Lewis, PhD

This statement just rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, it infuriated me because there are so many people taking their lives because they DO NOT get medications due to the opioid policies some doctors have. The CDC is proposing that primary care doctors PCP’s no longer prescribe narcotics for their patients. I haven’t read the report but it was stopped only because a lawsuit was threatened if it was published. The guidelines were written by people that had NOTHING to do with chronic pain. Therefore, it didn’t make sense for them to have these guidelines. I would write to them but I fear that if I do, I will be prosecuted for my actions down the line. Call me paranoid. I only take 4-6 pills a day and if that were cut, so would my life.

The statement also implies that taking these medications is a death sentence waiting to happen. This isn’t true. There are plenty of people who SAFELY take these medications daily and are still alive. Yes, there are some that do NOT because they go to different doctors and the combination of other opioids makes them sick. My ex’s neighbor died from an overdose because of this. Had one doctor been prescribing, her friend might have lived a little longer. She was terminally ill with something other than cancer. Obviously, she is the one that is “not alive” to come forward about these supposed guidelines.

If Primary care docs can no longer prescribe these medications, where are chronic pain patients supposed to go? “Pain clinics” only want to experiment and give injections, usually because it’s more money than writing a script. I have seen two pain doctors and they both didn’t want to take over the pain management I was under. They just offered invasive procedures and when I refused, I no longer was a part of their care. I’m sorry but there is no research to support that the injections would benefit me. I wish I kept the report that contradicted the injections. There was an article a few years ago that said that it was more dangerous to have them than not. I am not going to risk have something called arachnoiditis for the sake of a pain clinic writing a script for my pain meds, when the pain meds already work for me.

I need to have my primary care doctor continuing to prescribe me these medications. It’s safer and easier than seeing a specialist. The meds help me to function better, though I rarely take them when I am outside the house. They make me too drowsy to get on the bus and train. So I suffer through my pain to get to where I need to go. Taking my four tablets a day is not killing me. It’s keeping me alive enough to see another day. Because without them, I would seriously end my life. And I don’t think the CDC wants that.

Fearing the Worst

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fearing the Worst

I had taken some Nyquil a couple of hours ago to try and get to sleep. Pain is preventing this from happening as every time I move, my thigh goes berserk. Now my inner thigh is feeling like it’s on fire. This isn’t good. I am glad I am seeing the neurosurgeon tomorrow but I fear that without new images, the appointment is going to be useless. All he can do is nod his head in agreement and then say I need a new MRI stat. I am feeling more nervous as the more time is wasted, the more nerve damage I could be having. I didn’t do anything today except write down an outline and print off a few articles on this new paper I plan on writing. I tried writing it today but I couldn’t think of a beginning sentence so just wrote an outline. I thought the articles would help, but all it did was lead me to more stuff to outline. Very frustrating to me. I usually am able to write off the bat but today it was difficult, probably because I am in too much pain. Word to the wise, never take Nyquil unless you really want to sleep. I have been fighting it for the last few hours and literally feel sick to my stomach. I want to sleep but this pain anxiety is keeping me from it. It’s awful!

I tried to get in touch with my friend that is in the hospital but just got the busy signal. I will see him tomorrow. I heard he is supposed to be in till Christmas Eve. I am glad he is not spending Christmas in the hospital. That would be terrible.

Another reason I can’t sleep is because my sister and mother are having a yelling competition. My mother is deaf and so my sister has to yell for my mother to hear her. It’s going through my head like nails on chalkboard. I am just very grumpy because I am so worried about what is going on with my leg and that I am in pain. I wish my sister would leave so the house could be quiet again. Maybe then I can finally go to sleep.

I have been swearing on Twitter and Facebook and in real life but that doesn’t seem to be helping my pain. They say that if you are in pain and swear, it will help ease it. I should be pain free as anything if that were the case. Liars. I hate being in this much pain. I haven’t been in this much pain since my surgery 9 years ago. I fear the worst is happening. I really wish I saw my PCP the week before I was to see him last. I know he would have ordered the MRI and I wouldn’t be having this worry right now about what is going on. Fucking doctors, always chicken to do the right thing. They never think how the patient with PTSD feels when this is happening to them again. I just hope my neurosurgeon understands and wants to help me with this. Otherwise, I am up the creek without a paddle. I am so frustrated. Why do docs always have to wait for the worst to happen before they take action? So pisses me off.

I think my next reading adventure is going to be an old psychology book. And by old, I really mean it. The book was published in 1938. I just hope it doesn’t fall apart as I read it. I was going to read some of my other books but I am tired of reading history and fiction. I want to read something else. I figure psychology is the way to go. I also was pondering on a writing book called “Writing Tools” and I might switch to that if the 1938 book is too dry. I still plan on finishing the American Gods, even though it freaks me out some. I am half way through it so I might as well finish it.

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.