Tag: chronic illness

ugh another psych admit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ugh another psych admit

Met with my psych this morning. I should have known it wasn’t going to be a good day when the 747 bus never showed up but my cousin did to give me a ride to the Square. I gave her some sauce and a piece of my cranberry cake. Then she said she wanted me to go in the hospital. From her tone, there was no arguing with her. She didn’t like that I picked a date, again, or the dire emails I sent when my pain caused me to be suicidal, more than usual. I’m just grateful she let me go to my therapist’s office later this afternoon. I told her I wanted his input.

I came home waited for my new laptop screen to be delivered. I was expecting it around 1230. It didn’t come till after 1300, which left little time for a nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but knew I would need some when it got closer to my therapist’s time. Unfortunately, I didn’t bring my bag of all things, which contained a water bottle so I didn’t take my pain meds. I still felt good so thought I would be okay.

I talked with my therapist about what my psych had said. He didn’t see the point in going in except maybe learning a few things, if I went to the unit my psych wants me at. I thought about this as I left his office. I got to the corner of where his block was and the top of my foot felt like it was being smashed with a brick. Fuck! I had no water to take my one pain pill I had. I carefully walked to the station. Went down the stairs and the train was coming, a full one. Nope not standing three stops. I sat down and waited for the next one, which wasn’t too long. It was less crowded and I got a seat. By the time I got to the Square for the bus home, I wanted to cry. The pain intensified. I could have killed myself right then and there. I missed the bus by mere fractions and sat for the next one. I thought I was going to bawl as the bus was in traffic on the ride home. I was hurting so bad and I needed to get my meds at Walgreens. I honestly have no clue how I got home.

I wanted to tell my youngest sister I would be going in the hosp tomorrow but she was surrounded by her family and my middle sister and I didn’t want to bring it up. My brother in law is anti-mental health issues of any kind. I’ll text her later with it.

I did tell my mother, which is a huge step for me as I usually just leave her notes the morning of. We were talking when my psych called me. HAHA she is worried about. She asked how I was and I said not so great as it has been a long day. I then explained that I wanted to go to the unit she recommended and if I end up at the hospital I was in a few months ago, I will sign a 3 day (basically it’s a form forcing the hospital a 72 hour notice to decide if I need to stay (court will be involved), can go home, or will leave against medical advice). If I do go to the hospital and get assigned a different treatment team other than Bonnie and Clyde, I will stay as they may be helpful. There is one doc there I really like working with and he is sincere in trying to help anyway he can, unlike the Bonnie and Clyde couple. Bonnie and Clyde are assholes who after learning I wanted to leave the hospital to kill myself, then asked when I wanted to be discharged. Fuck you too! It was a complete waste of time and I won’t go back to their “treatment”. Plus those assholes put in my medical record that I have gender dysphoria so now all my medical records in this healthcare system know, whereas only my psych knew before. I am still steamed about this but once something is in the records, it cannot be removed without serious documentation and possibly a lawyer. Not worth it. I did bring it up to my psych, who was not happy to learn my PCP read her notes. He is okay with me being trans so I just hope it doesn’t make me a target of any discrimination, now or in the future. I told my therapist today that he will not be getting any releases from my long term disability folks. They do not need to know anything about what I talk to him about. Course they could just read my blog, which would be all they needed to either have me continue with their shit or not. I feel like their stuff is heavier than social security!! Once I get my newer laptop running again (crosses fingers and eyes), I plan on going to the website to see what exactly I am disabled. I am kind of in the dark as to whether or not it’s physical or psych or both. With my long term disability, it’s physical and depression, though how they determined that without my therapist’s notes, I have no clue. Must have gotten them from my psych, but even she didn’t get anything, so who knows. As long as they continue to pay me (the small amount) I am happy.

So tomorrow morning, I will be catching the first bus to the Square to go to the ER, where I hope I’ll be placed in the unit my psych wants me to go to. I am not feeling hopeful about it as we have tried to get on this unit many times and failed. I am very tired. I will be taking my night meds shortly and hopefully go to bed within an hour, if not sooner. I just hope my stupid foot pain doesn’t keep me up all night. I also hope I have access to my phone on this unit or I will not like it. I won’t be able to use the app for my PT. I can’t say that it’s been helping because my scores have been terrible when I am in high pain. Maybe that is a good thing. It will be nice to see if the scores change over time. I told my psych that PT is going to be a long process that won’t happen overnight. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the patience or the hopefulness to stick with it as my depression is so severe. Even my therapist said today I don’t look too hopeful that the hospitalization or anything will help. He is right. I have been let down so many times but usually just the change of environment has helped a little, even if the staff hasn’t been. Sometimes a hospitalization will help me see things differently but that was when I was dealing with mental demons, not pain demons. It is so unpredictable and that is what wears me out. As I was telling my mother tonight, there is no reason for my ankle to hurt doing “normal” movements that it should do. Physically there is nothing wrong with the bones, that I know of. I am still waiting to hear back about the bone scan. The tendons might be inflamed but after all the rest that I have given it the last 5 years, it should have been calmed down by now. If this is truly a nerve injury, I am screwed as there is no treatment and if anything, it should have shown some improvement by now if there was going to be any. The fact that the pain has gotten worse doesn’t help me feel too hopeful about the future. Hence why I get so suicidal in a flare up.

Sunday Blog 29 October 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 29 October 2017

I woke up sore and in pain. I took some pain meds and an Ativan to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to face the day at all. I was starting to feel the effects around 9 and went back to sleep. I then woke up around 1400. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and then make something to eat. I wasn’t really hungry so just had a bowl of cereal. I figured if I got hungry later, I could have the pasta I made yesterday. There was a lot of leftover.

I woke up again around 1730. I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to get up at all. I still need to fill my med box for the week. My mother had called but I haven’t called her back to see what she wanted. She never leaves a message other than call me back. Drives me crazy.

My hands are hurting today. They feel arthritic. It’s cold and damp today so that maybe why. My ankle/foot is still hurting. For some reason, I still feel bloated, even though I haven’t eaten anything but the bowl of cereal this afternoon. I felt sick after I took my meds last night. I think I am going to decrease the Zoloft to just 50 mg and see if that helps. I’m seeing my psych tomorrow morning. I am kind of nervous seeing her. I always am when I email her my dark moods.

paying the price of “normal”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Paying the price of “normal”

I woke up around 5 in pain. I took some meds and luckily went back to sleep. I woke up around 10. I had made some overnight oats to have for breakfast so I had that. Then I got busy making my gravy (tomato sauce). My ankle was feeling okay so after I had things going, I decided to make my Nantucket cranberry cake as well. I made coffee as I was preparing the ingredients for the cake. I had to melt butter and let it cool. I tried to stay off my feet as much as possible but, like I said, I was feeling good so went a little too much standing. After putting the cake in the oven, I added meatballs to the sauce and let that simmer for another hour. I finished my coffee and played with my phone.

I had to do the clean up and I was procrastinating doing it. I wanted to make spaghetti for lunch so as I was going to the porch to grab a box, my ankle said no. That ended the feeling good. I put the boot on and went about making spaghetti. The sauce was almost cooked. And when I came back with the box of spaghetti, the cake was done as well. I stuck a toothpick in the center to make sure and it was done. I let it cool on the stove. My mother told me to make the box of spaghetti so we could have it for dinner. I made the whole pound. I had a few meatballs while I was waiting for the water to boil. Then I went back out to the porch to grab some plastic containers to store the goodies. I planned on giving some sauce and cake to my psych when I see her on Monday. I also plan on bringing some cake to my barbers.

I had a bowl of spaghetti when it was done. Then I had a piece of cake. It was still warm and it was good. I love this cake. I then set about doing the dishes and clean up. I washed a few of the big bowls and what I used to make the spaghetti. Then my back had enough of standing. I soaked some of my t-shirt as I was rinsing a pan. That was fun. Never fails to get take a bath while I wash dishes. I was having some pain in my foot and I was getting exhausted from doing everything. I decided to take a nap and then finish washing the stuff. I went up to my room to take some pain meds and when I took off the boot, my malleolus (ankle bone) exploded in pain. Sometimes it is just a flash of pain that goes away so I lied down to nap and the pain got worse. I was in agony. I started crying because the pain was so bad. I needed to take some strong pain meds but I couldn’t move due to pain. The slightest movement of my ankle cause the pain to intensify, which only made me cry harder. I eventually rolled over and sat up to take my meds. I then posted to my support group about the pain I was having. So much for trying to be normal today.

Between my regular and strong pain meds, the pain is under control again. I am still sleepy. I wanted to sleep but I didn’t dare lie down again for fear of pain. I read twitter and came across and interesting tweet about Ireland’s shameful history. I read the article. It was about a mother and baby home for illegitimate children or children that were born out of wedlock. Usually these women were the victims of incest as they were young as 15. Once the babies were born, the mother usually stayed for a year and then they were forced out to look for work. The babies were left behind to be cared for by the nuns. One woman who had walked by the home when she was going to school had wondered about the children there and became obsessed in finding out more. It was a dark story about how the land was built over and the abandoned septic systems were like graveyards of the young children, from a few weeks old to age 3. It was a very interesting story. Here is the link to the story if you are interested: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/10/28/world/europe/tuam-ireland-babies-children.html?smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur

I got hungry after reading so went downstairs for some meatballs. My mother had finished washing what I left. She wanted me to wipe down the counters. I did that and put away the food, except for the cake as it didn’t need to be refrigerated. My ankle didn’t like this. I went out the porch to grab some bottles of water and then went back up to my room. I feel really sad that I couldn’t have a day without pain. I know I probably did too much but I wanted to do this. Now I am paying the price for trying to be “normal”. I hope I am able to sleep tonight.

Disability Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disability sucks

I somehow slept all morning. I didn’t wake up till around 10 or so. I wasn’t hurting too bad when I went to the bathroom. I had to use my sister’s because my mother was using ours and I had to pee really bad. My back was aching because it was 52 degrees. But I knew I had to keep moving or it would just stiffen up. I decided to head to the square to get a haircut. My mother wanted me to pick up some eggs. I caught the next bus.

My regular barber wasn’t in yet so I had his associate cut my hair. He did a really good job. I love it. I then I went to Starbucks for something to eat and a mocha. I wanted a snickers latte today. I got it hot rather than iced. I took out my journal after I ate but I didn’t write. I wanted to go home so I went to the grocery store for the eggs. I also decided to get a rotisserie chicken for dinner so my mother wouldn’t have to cook. I forgot to get stuffing so stopped in Walgreens to grab some and get my prescriptions that were finally ready.

I got home and put things away. My ankle was hurting but I couldn’t take my regular pain meds as it was too early. I took a strong pain med instead. I rested before I went back to the kitchen to peel potatoes as I wanted mashed potatoes with dinner. I really like making mashed potatoes. Around 1500, I went downstairs and wasn’t in too much pain. That all changed as I went to throw something in the bag for recycle when my ankle acted up. I could no longer bear weight on my foot. Fuck. I decided to wear the boot that I had to immobilize my ankle. It took me a while to put it on as it has been a while since I last used it. I was barefoot as I was wearing slippers. It was okay at first and then the padding was irritating the top of my foot. I was able to continue cooking. I made the mashed potatoes and stuffing. My mother had come into the kitchen so I asked her if she wanted to eat now. She said okay as everything was done.

I couldn’t believe the difference in walking around in the boot! I wasn’t hurting as much. My PT emailed me back a long message. She said it was okay to wear the boot but not to bed. She didn’t want me to wear anything while I slept. That kind of stinks because when I try to sleep, I have more pain. She gave me imagery stuff to do when I am in so much pain. She said that if the pain increased or got worse to see my doc.

I really miss cooking. I want to make a marinara sauce and a cake this weekend. Maybe now with the boot, I will be able to. I want to take a shower to get the excess hair off my head. I am really tired though. I don’t know if I have enough energy for it. Maybe after I take my night meds. Taking my night meds always seems to wake me up. I just hope it doesn’t make me bloated like it did last night. I swear sometimes it like I take another meal my stomach feels so full afterwards.