Tag: chronic illness

and so a chapter ends

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

And so the chapter ends

I woke up really early in the morning and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. It made me not want to get out of bed when it was time to get the Zipcar. It was warm and I wore jeans instead of shorts. I was sweating really bad by the time I got to the car and quickly put the AC on. I went to Starbucks for my espresso and left.

There was traffic on the highway but I didn’t care. I had enough time on the car and my therapist wasn’t specific about me being there on time. When I got to her town, I went to Walmart to buy some PJs and some shorts. I wanted to find Sox hats for my friend’s kids but they didn’t have them. I will have to look at another store.

As I drove to her office, I thought about this being the last time I would be out this way, that this would be the last time taking route 9. I also thought about all the sessions I had out there and on the phone. I wondered how many boxes there would be after 16 years of therapy. I brought a dolly just in case there were a lot. Turns out there were two, a heavy one that I guessed was my journals and books and a lighter one that had my stuffed bears.

I took the highway home and there was traffic. The Mass highway had taken down the tolls so it was just lanes anywhere they could put them, which made for hazardous driving. The speed limit was 55 mph all the way, sometime lower in some areas or if you got behind grandma Moses.

Luckily my niece was home so she helped me bring up one of the boxes so I didn’t have to make several trips. I opened the boxes when I got home and things that I had forgotten about where there. It brought back memories of the beginning, middle, and end. I had given her a lot of my writing, including a book that I was published in by the Boston Public Library back in high school. I also had given her “The Gus Chronicles”, which is about an abused kid going through the foster system. I had to read it for one of my psych classes in college. I was wondering where that book went to. Now I can read it again.

I am glad I have my stuffed bears back. One is a 3 foot bear, not kidding. He took up half the hospital bed with me when I had my first surgery 16 years ago. I had to put him on a chair so I could sleep comfortably. The other two are smaller ones that Starbucks had put out. They are called Bearistas. I was collecting them until they stopped putting them out. It was fun.

I came home with a half hour to spare to return the car so I rested a little bit. The driving was not good for my Achilles and I was sore. I was kind of shaking and realized I hadn’t had anything to eat all day other than my espresso. I decided to return the car, drop something at the post office, and then have some pizza at my favorite place. I put $5 in my pocket with my phone, which was a mistake. I pulled my phone out and the money went bye-bye. I had to stop at the ATM for some cash. It was no big deal as I needed to go to the ATM anyway. I want to get a haircut tomorrow.

I walked home from the pizza place and got hit with allergies. I started sneezing really bad. My allergies have been bad all day as the post nasal drip has really irritated my throat and my nose keeps running. I hate allergy season.

spoonie

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Spoonie

I was finally able to shower after almost a week. I took a chance because my pain levels were low. I took a nap after my previous blog. I kept dreaming of going to the bathroom and sure enough when I woke up, I had to pee. My mother was making dinner and it was almost ready. She made vegetables and mashed potatoes and chicken cutlets. It was good.

I am still feeling crummy emotionally. I just want to hide under a rock. I don’t know if I am going to sleep good because I slept for about 2.5 hours. I’m hoping that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again. It seems to be a recurring theme. It just ruins the whole day and it’s taking its toll on me emotionally.

I got a call from my PCP’s office that my prescription is ready for pick up. I am not sure if I will be able to go by tomorrow or not. It all depends on if I am done with my errands and such. I hope there aren’t a lot of boxes to carry from my therapist’s office. It will suck bringing it into the house. I’m kind of nervous getting my things back. It will be a lot of memories.

It’s almost 0400. I woke up around 0300 because of bloody side effects or withdrawal. I can’t be sure. My checks came in so I bought my groceries and paid a couple of bills. My bladder was calling next so I went to the bathroom. To my surprise, I had to have a bowel movement. I don’t usually have to go at this hour but I was grateful as it’s been almost a week since my last movement. Strong pain pill has that side effect. I have been trying to take less but it hasn’t been working out. I feel relieved now that I have went.

The side effects are calming down but my foot/ankle pain has ramped up. I can’t fucking win. I took my regular pain meds because it’s all I can take right now. I will be driving so I don’t want to take the heavy stuff. If it gets worse, I am going to have to. I have a high pain tolerance. I was trying to explain it to my therapist and I don’t think he got it. He wanted to know who I was angry at after I told him. Pissed me off. I still don’t know if it’s going to work out with him. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as he does things quite differently.

so far down away from the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So far down away from the sun

I made myself lunch and now I am paying for it. My foot is flared up, again. I took my regular pain meds and if they don’t work by 1500, I will take the strong pain meds. I hate that doing something so simple causes me pain. It was bothering me before I started cooking but standing and doing it made it worse.

I ordered some stuff from Starbucks. I had bought some K-cups for the Keurig my sister has. I didn’t know at the time that it was out of commission. Now I have to return the cups. I did buy a water bottle. I fill it with iced tea and have been trying to drink more as I know I am dehydrated. I am hoping that it reminds me to drink. I dilute the tea with ice so it’s just more like flavored water than tea.

I finally finished Robert Lowell while having my coffee. Now I can get started on the book my friend gave me on Maya the bee or something like that. I will start it later tonight. I entered the Lowell book on my reading challenge. I have read 3 books of the 30 that I want to read for the year.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up several time during the night because of pain. I really couldn’t get much relief last night. And now with my foot acting up, I just don’t know if I will ever have relief. I put lidocaine on my ankle and foot, the prescription one, and it took forever to dry because it is so thick. It worked but I really don’t like using it. I think I will stick with the OTC brand.

I have decided that once I finish drinking the 24 ounces of tea, I am going to have some Oreos as I have been craving them. I had some last night but they weren’t enough to fill me up. I wanted to have almond milk with it but the carton was in the back of the fridge and it froze. Damn fridge. I have it thawing out. I hope it’s still good. I am out of half and half so will need to get some more. I am debating on either waiting till I can order my groceries or just go to the store and get it so I can have coffee tomorrow. I am so indecisive lately. I don’t know if it is the pain or the depression or both.

I want to take a shower but that is impossible. There is no way I can stand for 15 minutes or so with my foot acting all fucking crazy like it is. I fucking hate being in so much damn pain. I just want to complain to someone but I don’t even know who to talk to. I am so frustrated. This has gone on for a week now. Same fucking pain every single day and sometimes it spreads to my ankle, which just about kills me. I want to get bombed but I have no idea if that will help me or not. I just want to zone out and have some relief from my ailing foot/ankle. I am on very thin ice and I fear that soon that ice is going to crack and I am going to fall through.

diets and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Diets and other things

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain and the voices. The voices started up around 1800 last night and they were telling me people were out to get me, they hated me, and were trying to steal my thoughts. I became really anxious so I called my psych, who told me to take some Ativan. I had taken a strong pain pill and I think that is why my sleep was disrupted. My psych wanted me to call her today.

I didn’t stick to my diet today. I just ate what I wanted. I wasn’t planning on going out today but I wanted a burrito so I went to the Square and got one. Then I went to Starbucks to eat it and have my espresso and write a little bit. I tried writing for about a half hour with my new pen. It was a fine point and wrote smooth. I liked it but I prefer my medium point. I saw my bus go by and checked my watch. The next bus was coming so I left to go to the bus stop.

I went to Walgreens for my mother and they still didn’t have what she wanted so I got a raincheck for the item. I got some instant pasta so I could have it for supper. My mother called me to say she was making spaghetti. I will just have the pasta tomorrow. I hate skipping my diet but I wanted real food. Just having liquid protein is tough. I made it through yesterday okay but I was starving when I woke up at 0230 this morning. I had another Ensure and tried to go back to sleep.

I was on Twitter for most of the day. I saw that the Star Trek Twitter had posted a game from Think Geek. It’s a Monopoly game with a Klingon theme. I want it really bad! I think it will be fun to play with my nieces and nephew. I will get it when my check comes in next.

My ankle is still fucking hurting really bad. I am tempted to take another strong pain pill as I can’t take my regular meds for the next couple of hours. I took Neurontin this morning to keep the burning away. I feel groggy from it and the espresso helped but I am feeling really sleepy now that I am home. My psych called me back and I told her about the stressors that contributed to my psychosis yesterday. I would write about it but I am being watched so I can’t talk about it.

I didn’t have any sweets today though I really wanted to get a donut at Starbucks. I am trying to lay off junk food and sweets. It’s hard because I like those things.

I caved in and took a strong pain pill. I couldn’t help it. The pain is getting worse and I am going nuts from it. My suicidality is increasing because of it. I figure if I stop the pain, the suicidality will go down. I just want to end my life anyway, just for the hell of it. Just try it and see what happens. I die, I die. If I live, I live. I don’t fricken care. I just want to get the devil out of my system.

I think tomorrow, if I am not hungover or in really bad pain, I will change my sheets. The sheets I have on now keep coming off the bed, which is annoying me. The stupid foam topper keeps shifting and I don’t know why, which takes the sheet with it. I have had to adjust the thing every other day and I am getting tired of it!