Tag: chronic illness

Ankle Chronicles 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle Chronicles 13

It’s after midnight and I can’t seem to settle down. And it’s not because the Sox won tonight. I wish it was from my excitement but the game ended like two hours ago. Nope, I am up because of pain. My foot started hurting me and the pain has now spread to my toes. It’s excruciating. I just took some Neurontin and some pain meds. I have to wait for them to kick in before I can think about lying down.

I think it’s time I try something like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help me deal with pain. It’s not a cure but it might help me manage in better ways. There was a place in Brookline but they don’t accept chronic mentally ill patients like me, specifically those that have suffered any type of abuse or need long term care. So I am going to try and find a therapist where my psychiatrist works. I have to call the intake and be put on the “CBT wait list”. I don’t know how long that will be. I have no idea how this is going to do down. I am going to have to enlist the help of my psych to see if she can expedite the process. CBT is not something I believe in, but it has been shown to help those with chronic pain, so I might as well try it again. I just hope it isn’t a bunch of paperwork and shit. I can’t imagine filling out papers while in the middle of a flare up. I already want to rip what little hair I have on my head (I have short hair) or cut off my damn ankle.

If the list is a long wait, I might not last. I have 3 weeks before my death date comes. I am willing to postpone it if the wait is not longer than say two months. I don’t think I can hold out longer than that as the flare ups have become so unbearable. I hope that my suicidality doesn’t hinder me getting in to see someone. That will really fucking suck and I will feel so dejected. I also hope that because I have an established therapist, they don’t say see ya. This is a specific treatment and one I am willing to give a try if they will just give me a chance. I am really nervous about this because it has been so long since I have gone through an intake process. That is why I am hoping my psych can help with the process a little bit.

I am so damn tired and really want to lie down and sleep. But I know that if I lie down, the pain could get worse and then I will have to sit up again. I kind of wait until I can no longer keep my eyes open and then I lie down. I am usually out by that time. I don’t really sleep very well or very long, but it beats having to lie down and then sit up. It’s a game I play most nights and it’s not fun. It drives the voices crazy because they want to keep talking to me and if I keep popping up, they want to talk more. Or the music in my head gets really loud and I have to play music to drown it out, which then keeps me up for at least another hour or so.

I can’t escape this stupidity. It drives the suicidality all the more because I just want to escape from it all. The pain, the voices, the depression, everything. I was writing to a friend about my troubles and she said that I need to do something, like get involved in something or get a pet. I couldn’t handle being responsible for a pet. It’s a big responsibility, even if my mother allowed it to happen. I know my friend meant well and all, but she just wants me to stick around for a long time. She also doesn’t want to lose me. She understands my suicidality. She knows that my suicidal ideation is not over something trivial.

So Close

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was hoping to go to sleep before my foot or ankle decided to say hello to me tonight. Nope. Didn’t lie down quick enough. Actually, lying down is actually a kind of trigger. Seems my pain is worse when I lie down versus when I am sitting up. Now my foot is doing a curling thing so I had to take some Ativan to calm the fucker down.

I am tempted to text my therapist or email my psychiatrist to ask if I can have an amputation on my ankle if I can’t kill myself. It’s a long shot but I figure there is no harm asking. While I was lying down before the pain erupted, psychache hit me square in the chest. So now I have both types of pain going on and I am ready to jump off a bridge. It’s a good thing I don’t have a car to get to where I am going. There are no bridges in my area that are high enough to kill me, except the Tobin but it’s a bitch to get to and you do need a car.

I don’t know if I am going to get out of this episode that I am in. I feel like if I don’t go through with it, I am a loser. If I at least attempt it, that will be something. If I fail, at least I can say I tried and then deal with the consequences, horrible though they will be. If I succeed, well then this blog will be all that is left behind. None of this will happen in the next few days so if you are thinking of saving me, you are wasting your time. These are just my thoughts that are running through my head at this particular moment in time.

Pain is causing me so much grief. I feel like I am losing it, not that I actually had things to begin with. The black coat of depression is pressing on me very closely. I have been trying to master the lyrics to the song “Make you miss me” by Sam Hunt. I heard it twice today on the radio and messed up the lyrics. Pissed me off. I wanted to share the lyrics and song with my therapist but I was too afraid she would cry. I did share two songs with her today, Reckless by Martina McBride and Don’t think I don’t think about it by Darius Rucker. It helps me to share music with her. I have a knack for songs finding me when I am hurting or need to express myself.

My Sox lost and I think they are no longer in first place. I am upset. They should have had these games but their offense was dead. There are only 17 games left in the season or that count toward the pennant race. I am so nervous about these games. It’s not helping my mood any.

I seriously want to email my psychiatrist and ask her if she thinks I am going to escape this episode that I am in. I just don’t see a way out. I don’t want to go into the hospital. It won’t help me. I might be fine for a few days to a week but the suicidal stuff always comes back. It’s like a monkey on my back. And the longer I go without an attempt, the stronger it becomes. I haven’t made an attempt in years. I don’t know if I am hopeless. I don’t feel it. I feel nothing but blackness. I just don’t know what is going to keep me connected to this world. I hope the pain meds kick in soon so I can get at least my physical pain will be taken cared of.

Ankle Chronicle Rant and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicle Rant and other things

For the past several hours, I have been in severe pain because I decided to walk down a ramp instead of level ground. I had no idea it was going to cause me this much pain, but it is. All I want to do is sleep but I am so tense that my neck is hurting me. Being in this much pain, is causing havoc. I seriously want to amputate my ankle. I have thought about this a lot of times. But fortunately, I don’t possess the power tools to get the job done.

I forgot to mention some stuff to my psychiatrist in my appointment today so I emailed her. She is so worried about me getting severe side effects from my anti psychotics that I had to remind her about the more simpler side effects like constipation and urinary retention. I haven’t been on this medication since before my nerve injury so I don’t know how it is likely to play out. So far, I haven’t noticed anything worse, except possibly, starting my flow of urine. I didn’t mention this to my psych because I really do not want to see a urologist.

Anyway, she seemed fine with my description of the matter and what I am doing for the constipation. I didn’t tell her about the starting the flow of urine because I knew that might raise some eyebrows. I am okay with it unless it becomes worse. I hate having a nerve injury that causes these things. The nerve injury is what is causing my foot and ankle to be a dick. I swear that if I didn’t get my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I would not be disabled today. Or maybe I would be, but it would be because of mental difficulties rather than physical ones.

I am very exhausted from dealing with physical pain all the damn time. It seems the pain syndrome is just getting worse and trying to control it is getting more complicated. I have to time my pain medication accordingly or I am in severe pain. And when my regular pain meds don’t work, I have to take the stronger pain meds. If neither of these meds work, then I know it’s nerve related pain so I have to take Neurontin. It is a true juggling act managing my pain.

I know that my pain flare up today was caused due to me doing to much the last few days and not having a rest day in between. I have been out of the house since Wednesday and have not slowed down some. Yesterday, I walked more than I should have because I didn’t want to wait for the bus for an hour. I walked four blocks home and that caused my ankle to falter. Today I had my doctors appointments and couldn’t cancel them so I walked around the hospital to go to the two appointments that I had before my ankle had enough. It didn’t help that I stood on the train for five stops. I have been taking more chances and in the end, it just causing me more and more pain.

I was supposed to meet up with friends tomorrow but I canceled that engagement after my ankle basically said fuck you to me on the ramp. I really was looking forward to seeing my friends as we don’t get to meet up that often. But I needed to take care of myself and that means ordering pizza tomorrow and watching (hopefully) college football games. Last week the games I wanted to watch were not on in my area. This week, I am hoping at least one game is in my area.

I also need to shower. I wanted to do so tonight but my foot was having no part of standing whatsoever. Even standing to take my meds was a hassle and that was for less than two minutes.

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

I saw my psychiatrist today. She was kind of miffed at the neurologist for suggesting that the trilafon is behind the music stuff playing in my head. She intends to email her and set her straight as she has never heard of such a thing. She said that I am a mystery to her. I laughed. She wanted me to read Oliver Sacks to get a better idea of things being weird in psychiatry/neurology. I told her I would look him up.

I was able to get my pain meds filled without a problem, thank god. If there was a problem, I was going to raise hell. I purposely stayed at the pharmacy to make sure there were any glitches. Then when I was walking home, my ankle said it wasn’t going to work anymore. I was going down an inclined part of the walkway and it just gave out on me. I was cursing myself for having walked that part of the street. It can be a trigger for my ankle giving out on me. Luckily, I had my trusty cane with me so it helped. I am really pissed because tomorrow I was going to meet up with some friends and now I can’t do that. My week is done.

Today was extremely humid so of course I am a sweaty mess. I have to wait till my pain meds kick in to take a shower. I was going to shave but seeing as I won’t be going out tomorrow, I might as well keep my whiskers. It will have to be a quick shower anyways as my ankle and foot will murder me if it’s a long one.

My mother had dinner for me when I came home. I ate it quickly, then went up to my room to cool off. Now I am craving pizza. I can’t decide if I want a whole or a half. I just want two slices but they won’t deliver just two. I wish I could just walk to the pizza place but I can’t. Guess I will have to wait till tomorrow to satisfy my pizza craving.

I told my psychiatrist about the book I am writing. She didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it. But she is happy that I am writing. I also told the NP about my writing adventures. She was a little enthused about it. I told her about my pain being horrendous and she didn’t have anything to say to me. She just gave me my script and off I went. I found out that my diagnosis is “other chronic pain”. It was on the prescription. That doesn’t help me. I guess I never will find out why my ankle likes being a fucking pain. Another abnormality.