Tag: chronic illness

Sunday Blog 3 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 3 Sept 18

I wrote a blog via my phone in the WordPress app back in March. Someone recently commented on it and I replied. He replied. I read it to refresh my memory and found like two errors. I knew immediately it was done on my phone only because when I type “can’t” I sometimes hit the V so it becomes “vant”. The app nor my phone doesn’t correct like it should. I’d probably have to tell the smartphone to do it and frankly, I don’t care. If I catch it, fine. If not, I am a bad speller/writer LOL

I can’t believe I have only eaten a Chimichanga and an ice cream sandwich. I just haven’t been hungry this weekend. I am waiting for the hungry horrors to happen. I kind of want a salami sandwich but I don’t think there is anymore. My mother was supposed to make peppers and eggs for supper. She put in onion and I don’t like it with onion, only because she doesn’t caramelized them so they are not cooked enough for me. She never caramelizes the onions. I like cooked onion not half cooked. I tell her this and she just does what she wants. Fine, I will make something else. I might make tuna if we don’t have salami.

I haven’t done much today. I read a couple of chapters of Poe Shadow. This author is really killing me with his twists in the middle of the book. I have about 120 pages left so don’t want to drop it. I first read this book 11 years ago. Completely forgot about it but know that it was about Poe’s death. It is not jarring my memory at all but then books will do that if I don’t find them that interesting. Probably why this book just stayed on my shelf, untouched since I read it. I am trying to work my way through it so I can finish it. I want to read John Grisham’s Camino Island. I started reading it when I took my mother to her doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago. It seems interesting. It is different than his other books as it isn’t really a lawyer book. He always has the same style that I noticed throughout his books. I guess that is why I lost interest in reading him. It was just a different character and different scenes but same plot. I hope the Poe Shadow author isn’t the same. I just got his latest book, Dante Chamber.

Facebook and Instagram is down. I have to wonder if the Russians did it, HAHA. I am going to vote tomorrow, which means having to take 4 buses because my asshole cousin can’t do it. He is a barber and supposedly has three or four jobs. I wish I could believe him but when he said a color, I am not buying it. He hates doing color, supposedly. So anyway, I don’t have a ride to the polls. I think Lyft is giving rides for discount or free but I don’t have an account with them and I don’t want to. I have Uber but that is only so I can use the UberEats app.

My pain has been okay so far. Nothing as bad as yesterday. It is really hot out and humid. My house is an oven. And the pollen is ridiculous. I only spent a few minutes while eating and had sneeze attacks. I don’t know why because I took my allergy pill this morning. I knew it was going to be bad. I hate allergies. I can’t wait for winter when everything is dead!

Luke Combs Top Songs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Luke Combs top songs

I wanted to get my favorite Luke Combs songs in my top 25 playlist so I created a playlist with just those songs I liked. Beautiful Crazy and One Number Away are already on there but the others aren’t, yet. My app keeps track on how many times I play a song (I have no idea how) but I think it is cool. I saw an episode of Bones where Angela found the favorite songs of a passed coworker and they played those songs at his funeral/wake. I can’t remember who died as it has been a while and I never completed my seasons collection, mostly because I ran out of money for it.

I’ve been having a pain filled day. Started when I woke up with someone hammering the fuck out of my ankle and foot. I took a BT med, even though I just took my extended release one a couple of hours ago. I couldn’t handle the pain as it was just intense. I laid in bed hoping I would go back to sleep but I was too irritated and my mother had the kitchen TV on which went through my head like nails on a chalkboard. I think I got a migraine too, as I was sensitive to light and sound. I took my migraine meds before the headache came. It was hot but not sweltering, yet. I made bacon and then wanted to make my lemon loaf, but after I cooked, my ankle felt worse and I knew if I pushed through, I would pay for it. I prepared the lemons anyway. I tried to do it while sitting but the kitchen table was too high for me to get enough leverage to squeeze the lemons. It took 6 lemons to make a cup of juice. I zested three and hope it is enough for the loaf and the lemon bars I want to make. I couldn’t sit anymore or stand to zest more than three. I put things away, washed what I used, cleaned up, and then went to my room. I was soaked with sweat and had to change my shirt. I turned the AC on and tried to relax but then my mother called saying she was making spaghetti for dinner. Good. But I wasn’t hungry. She called again when it was ready and I still didn’t have an appetite. Past two days I barely ate.

I finally moved my bowels today. After a week of not being able to go. I still plan on taking some Miralax tomorrow to make sure I go. I can’t get backed up again. It hurts too much. I had taken a bunch of fiber pills and usually they work within a few hours but I was so backed up, it wasn’t working. I also didn’t want colon blow as my ankle was bothering me. I hope it is better tomorrow. If I can time it right, I might be able to make the loaf in the morning before it gets 90 degrees or more in the kitchen. I’ve been wanting to make this lemon loaf for so damn long but the house has been too hot to bake. I wish I didn’t sleep all day yesterday but I am glad I did as I’ve been so worn down with pain and not sleeping. This week I have back to back to back appointments the end of the week. I hope to be able to do something the next few days. I wish my mother would put in an AC but she doesn’t like the cold air. She had the ceiling fan on and made me shut it off because she felt cold. I don’t get it. I really don’t. I need it to be cold or I just melt. Wish I lost weight in the process but that is a different story.

One the followers I follow on Twitter asked if anyone was interested in writing a book. I responded that I had two book out on depression and suicide. No response. Another follower response and a publishing company contacts her. I was heated. Like what am I, nothing? I wouldn’t mind another publisher to get out there. It is a self-publishing thing so I have to do the promoting myself. Hence why I have done shit since 2016 when I published Darkness Always Wins. I have just sold like 3 copies on the website and maybe 12 via signed copies. A few I gave away to friends so they could read what I wrote and give feedback (which I never got). One friend said I had a bunch of typos and offered to fix the document but never got back to me. I use word so I don’t know what typos she was talking about. I don’t use the grammar function as I talk like I speak and if Microsoft doesn’t like it, too bad. I miss writing other than my blog. I wish I could go back to my story that is in my head but I feel so suicidal that I don’t think it is worth it. I just feel that even if I write it, I doubt I would want to share it with the world. Hell, just writing one page was emotional for me and I couldn’t go on. That was back in February. Haven’t touched it since. I might have added somethings to the outline I am using but that is all. I don’t think I touched that since maybe March. That was when I gave up hope and writing and pretty much was set on killing myself sometime this year. Time is still moving and I am still here. I am not liking it, at all. So I just word vomit on my blogs and call it a day.

Saturday Blog 1-Sept-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 1 Sept 18

I should put do not disturb on more often when there are days I don’t have to do anything. I have it set so only my mother can call me, if there is a problem. But she didn’t call me today and I slept till 3 pm! I had woken up at 4 because nature called and I was hungry. But when I went back to sleep, I was out. I set my alarm for noon. It went off and I shut it but I went back to sleep. I am really surprised I didn’t wake up at all for the bathroom, though when I went at 3, my bladder was hurting big time. I really wasn’t expecting to sleep all day. I wanted to bake but with the damn change in weather, my back hurt pretty bad. It is getting better but it’s late now so I don’t want to bake. I will try tomorrow. I will keep the Do not disturb off so my med alarm goes off. I missed taking my morning meds because I slept so late. I wish I can say I feel rested but I don’t. I feel like I need more sleep.

I had something to eat. I wanted to make bacon but my back said no. I had two burritos. I might have a bowl of cereal later. Or maybe some boiled eggs. I don’t know. Something easy where I don’t have to do dishes after. I like that I have the burritos. It is quick and easy. I should make some egg burritos as I haven’t had them in a long time. I guess I got sick of them as that was all I was eating for breakfast or when I was hungry and didn’t feel like cooking. I made them in batches and froze them. In 2 minutes, I had something to eat. I didn’t like making them with bacon though. The bacon became rubbery and didn’t taste as good.

I shaved my head today. I had to. I was missing the bald feel so bad. I don’t think I did the back right but I don’t care. I know the barber told me to go low so he can better fade it but I kind of like it high the way it is now. But I will listen to him and try not to go too high. I took a shower after as I had to wash the shave oil out. Now my damn fucking ankle is giving me grief. The hot water helped my back. I still got to do the PT exercises. I did some of them when I was in the kitchen after I ate. I have to do some where I use the chair for resistance. It kind of hurt so I only did one set. I don’t think I was sitting properly. I can only do somethings. I just hope my pain doesn’t spike. I don’t feel like battling pain today.

OSU played OSU (Oregon). I thought they were the Ducks and it turns out they are the Beavers. So I am an idiot as I kept on saying on social media the Bucks are killing the Ducks. They did beat them 77-31. I wish I watched the game but I was sleeping. I guess the calendar reminder doesn’t go off in do not disturb mode. I wish I could download the schedule. I need to figure that out. Maybe the OSU website has it. I am using a college football app to check the scores and find out what station they are playing. I hope the whole Urban Meyer thing doesn’t influence there ranking. That would just suck! I was so pissed last season when they didn’t get in the playoffs because they lost to an unranked team. That was the deciding factor. UGH.

Sox are playing now. They are in Chicago. I love that city. They changed the name of the White Sox field. It is now Guaranteed Rate. Dumb name. Probably why they suck. HAHA. Not sure I want to listen. Lately the Sox (red) have been coming back late innings so it was frustrating to watch. I hope they are hot in the beginning and stay hot. I probably will just follow them through Twitter and facebook. I hate the MLB site as they load it will ads and videos that play that you can’t stop. Annoying!!

30 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

30 Aug 18

I am in a flare right now because I helped my mother with dinner. I was in my room and she yelled for me so I kind of ran down the stairs to make sure she was alright. Next thing I know she is telling me to do this and that for dinner. After things were cooking, I went up my to my room to shut the light off and close my door as the AC was running. When I went down a few steps to go eat dinner, my ankle crapped out on me. I tried going down a few more steps but it just hurt more. I called for my mother to hand me my cane. I needed to get back to my room for breakthrough meds. Though I am hurting so much that it isn’t touching it. I just moved my damn foot to shut the ceiling fan and that just sent pain waves through me.

I went to Starbucks earlier today. I wanted to get my haircut but my barber was not in. I will try to go tomorrow. It all depends on what time I get out after I see my friends. We are meeting late morning. I see my pain doc in the morning and then will be going to another part of Boston to see them. As I now had time to write, I wrote in my journal for a bit and then I saw something on Twitter that sparked me to write an essay about suicide and hotlines. I wrote until it became too emotional for me and I had to stop. Then I spent too much time on social media on my phone and lost my train of thought. I thought I would type it up when I got home as I knew it would be less than 300 words but I really don’t want to stir things up with this flare I am in.

I am very tired and just took my night meds. I plan on taking another breakthrough med with my night time pain med. I’ll also take some Neurontin to help with sleep and any nerve pain I might get once the physical pain settles down. I just used the bathroom and it was hard coming up the stairs. I wish the bozos at the brace clinic fucking listened to me so I could have something to put my foot/ankle in so when I flare, I don’t use it and it can rest. I know it is because it is fatigued and that is why it doesn’t want to “work”. I can feel the fatigue. I also had a spasm just from moving it a little to shut off my fan. My stupid AC isn’t working right. It is on 60 on medium. I should be freezing but am just a little cold, which I can tolerate without having to put on my long sleeve shirt. I can’t stand long enough to move the stuff in front of it to see if the filter needs to be cleaned or the vents need to be adjusted. I thought with the ceiling fan off, it might feel colder. It has, just a tad.

Hunter Hayes just came out with a new song called Dear God. It is so good. I am not sure if the song is out. Figures a male artist comes out with a new song but when Terri Clark came out with a new song last week on radio, Boston didn’t pick it up. I am so mad there are more male artists than female on the radio. I have more male country artists than female. Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert dominates the radio waves. I heard a podcast that Terri Clark has and she said it infuriates her that female artists just don’t get the same radio play as male artists. I honestly wondered why Martina McBride, Sara Evans, and other female artists that I grew up on were no longer on the waves and I guess that is why. Sara has come out with a new album as I follow her on social media. Other than that, I wouldn’t have known. I am more of buying albums than individual songs for certain artists and she is one artist I would buy the album, if I have the money for it. Sometimes it takes me a while to budget for albums, but if I want the song, I will get it. Like Luke Combs, I first heard his song Hurricane and liked his beat so bought the album. I loved his album, though I think the deluxe is a rip off as it is the same album but has a few more songs. If I had known that, I would have just bought those songs and made a playlist for the entire thing. I did that with Blake Shelton’s greatest hits. I think I just had to buy one song on the album and made a playlist for the album, boom, I have the album. I didn’t have to buy songs I already have!