Tag: chronic illness

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

So a couple of years ago, I got on a Dostoevsky kick. I wanted to read some of his books and a few that were popular but never got a chance to. I got this bundle on Kindle for like two bucks and it was a collection of his books that I wanted to read. I started the Brothers Karamazov. Six months into it and I just felt like there was no end to this book. I looked up the chapter list on line as with an eBook, you can’t really tell if you are progressing or not. The percentage thing wasn’t working for me because it was for the entire collection, not what I was reading. I eventually lost interest and read other things, intending to go back but never did.

Then this week as I was traveling to my doctor’s appointment, a guy was reading the book and I bought it on Amazon, the physical book, to see where I was. This pic shows I am not that far from finishing it!! I feel better knowing this as even though I had 20 or so chapters left, I had no idea how small or big they were. I plan to make this my June goal to finish this book. After the Sox games, I will read a chapter or two. Tonight the game is at 8 so if I am stuck with painsomnia, I will try and see if reading helps.

If you have never read Dostoevsky or heard about him, he is a Russian writer from the late 1800’s. He suffered from epilepsy and would have visions prior to having fits. His book the Idiot talks about this and describes it in good detail. His writing style is kind of like mine where I can start writing and then go off topic for a bit, losing the original thought. His Diary that I read was very much like this. I remember reading one day and he said he was going to talk about three things. He started talking about one thing and three hours later, the chapter ended without mentioning the other two! I had only picked up the book because one of the suicidologists that I followed had mentioned that Dostoevsky wrote about suicide notes. It was only a fricken paragraph and it was near the end of the diary, volume 1. Never finished that book either. It was monstrous. I thought about getting volume 2 but never did. I don’t remember why.

I’ve spent most of the day on social media. I also took a few pics of things and saved some pics to post, either to Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I was kind of bored. It was too hot and humid to go out. Just going to my kitchen was a struggle. My legs still hurt and my right calf is hard as a rock. I get the cheap massagers Sunday. I don’t know why I am not getting them tomorrow as I had 2 day delivery but oh well. I am getting a shitload of things tomorrow. I went on a spree. My groceries will be delivered because I just had to have my sweets. I also ordered steak and burgers. I hope everything comes in.

I found out this morning that the new antidepressant causes nausea. It happened within 40 minutes of taking it. I took it without Zofran, but then had to take it because I was getting sick. I emailed my psych to tell her I was not going to take it unless she wanted me to take it with the Zofran. I guess there isn’t an antidepressant that I can take.

I foolishly bought a new Bluetooth headset. I might be returning it because it is kind of heavy, which I wasn’t expecting. It also takes four hours to charge, which kind of sucks. I have to have them fully charged before I can use them. If I don’t like how they are after the first use, they are going back! Amazon also had a deal where you get 3 pens that I like with refills. So I scored them. I am a pen freak. I only have 6 dozen+ I don’t know how many others. I have them in every bag and backpack I own, as well as pants/shorts pocket. I try never to leave home without a pen. It’s like the American Express card, don’t leave home without it.

Colon blow and other Cauda Equina Syndrome “fun” things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Colon blow and other Cauda Equina Syndrome “fun” things

I didn’t write my blog yesterday. I only got a few hours sleep due to pain and worrying that I would sleep through my alarm. I went to my psych appointment and she put me on a new antidepressant that is out. I came home and had a severe flare. My pain was through the roof. I was supposed to go to the ball game but it wasn’t happening. After my mother made dinner, I took about an hour and half nap when my phone’s med alarm went off. I took my night meds and got so sick. I haven’t moved my bowels all week so been feeling ill and I think the new med just made me nauseous. I thought I was going to hurl. I took my Zofran and laid still. I also took some Mylanta because I had gas really bad. When I didn’t feel like puking anymore, I took some fiber to help my bowels move along but a few hours later, nothing happened.

I decided to try some Miralax to help move things. I was hurting so bad and I swear my stool was moving into my small intestine rather than move along to my colon. I was still passing gas but nothing else. I went to Walgreens and bought some and a Gatorade to take it with. Having suffered from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), getting constipated is a HUGE thing. There is a varied range of people’s degree of injury to their bowel nerves. Some don’t feel themselves go so become incontinent and being constipate helps to prevent accidents. Some have a designated shit day where they take laxatives and spend the day on the can to relieve themselves. Taking medication for pain can be constipating. I have no feeling for soft or loose stool so can pass them with gas if I am not mindful of it. Never trust a fart is a common saying among those with CES.

I usually have hard stool and can go with senna. Lately, because of my flares and needing more pain meds, it hasn’t been working. Usually fiber helps me move along and I try not to have plans the following day so I can go to the bathroom in the privacy of my own bathroom. I hate using a public restroom when out because I don’t have the mobility to reach my behind like I used to due to my back surgeries. When the fiber and senna do not work, I take Miralax hence why I went to Walgreens today. I have been having a ton of flatulence which I cannot trust. I was able to have a few movements after taking the Miralax but now I am having what is known as colon blow where all you do is go to the bathroom. Since I can’t trust a fart, every time I get the sensation of urges (I can’t tell if it is a stool or gas urge), I run to the bathroom. For the past hour, I just have been shitting little turds, which is annoying me as the stool is messy. My bottom is so irritated and I have to use the incontinence spray that you don’t have to rinse to soothe it.

The most undignified thing is, because I can’t trust a fart and I have a lot of gas, I am now wearing a diaper to prevent my underwear from being soiled. I already had one accident today that required a shower. With the comfort of the diaper, I can let loose and if some stool comes out, I don’t have to freak out and be constantly changing my underwear. I have taken some stomach stuff for gas so I hope it helps. I don’t want to take Imodium because I don’t have loose stool even though I know it would help the gas part.

Another lovely “perk” is nerve pain after moving hard stools. This rectal pain can drive people who have never been suicidal to become suicidal. Nothing is worse than a pain in the ass that no pain meds can touch. Sometimes the pain can last a few minutes or hours or days. It sucks. No doctor knows why, even the colon experts.

The worst part of this day from hell, is I have been going up and down the stairs all day as the bathroom is downstairs from my bedroom. I hope it doesn’t cause another flare. Yesterday’s flare is still giving me nightmares. My ankle has CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It doesn’t like movement. I am sure I will flare later tonight, despite taking a nap. Rest doesn’t always help my pain like some pain conditions. I hate the unpredictability that CRPS brings. I wish there was a way to control it but there isn’t. I long for the days when my pain was driven by activities during the day. Now, it doesn’t matter. I can be at home all day and I will hurt. I can go out a few hours to have a cup of coffee and write for a bit only to hurt later in the night. It is awful. I hate it. It has taken away all the things I love. I feel beaten. And then I will have days like today where I am crapping my pants. It’s too much. I just always hope that tomorrow will be a little less painful because that is all I can do.

Murphy’s Law

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Murphy’s law

I had set my med alarm for my pain meds last night so I wouldn’t miss a dose. I woke up around 6, took my meds, and then went back to sleep. I woke up some time after 9 and decided to shower. By the time I was done, it was too late to catch the bus. I thought about taking a cab and I should have, but I didn’t want to spend $15 when it wouldn’t cost me anything for the bus. I waited until it was time to get dressed and leave. I grabbed my insulated cup and left the house.

I waited and waited for the bus. I checked the schedule to see if there were any delays and there wasn’t. I also checked to see if I had the schedule wrong due to a change. Nope. The bus just never showed up. I was fuming. I caught the next bus, which meant I had to catch another bus to the square. While I was waiting, my cup fell out of my bag and broke. I was so damn sad. I loved this cup! I had been using it all year. I saved the straw as it was new. I would recycle the plastic when I got to Starbucks. But because I was getting there until an hour later, I decided to go to Dunks for my favorite sandwich and then go to Starbucks. Fuck the chains. I didn’t care. I ordered my espresso and I thought about buying another cup but I found my trenta cup so hope that doesn’t break.

After I ate and had some caffeine, I was a little less hangry. I was kicking myself for not getting a cab or uber. I went to my barber for my haircut and he did a really good job. I paid him double and told him I would be back in two weeks. He said save your money and I said I can’t. LOL I end up using it for food or something stupid. Best to put it in his hands. He said okay. He asked what I was doing the rest of the day and I said I was thinking of getting my new glasses as they just came in. So when he was finished, I went into town. It was a lot cooler than it was yesterday so it was a good day for the walk. But not a good day for my pain levels or having bronchitis. I was wheezing by the time I walked a little ways to the station. I used the inhaler so I could breathe better. I did okay getting to the optical shop but not so great on the way back to the station. I was out of breath again and my groin was hurting me. I think I am using my hip muscles instead of my legs so it’s pulling. Fun.

By the time I got back to the Square, I had to wait 40 minutes or more for the next bus. Screw that, I called a cab. I didn’t care and my legs didn’t either. I was hurting and forgot to put my pain meds in my shorts. I missed my noon time dose. The cab came and I was grateful. My niece tried to scared me when I got to the door but I was so concentrated on things, I didn’t really notice. I got her though as I went to her house to drop off the mail. HAHA payback.
My mother had a low blood sugar and asked me to make dinner for her. I said okay. I wasn’t hungry yet as I was just trying to recover from being out. I decided when I came home, I was taking a cab to the station tomorrow as I need to see my psychiatrist. I downloaded the app and registered. I then booked a cab for the morning. I made my mother something to eat and then my sister called asking to cook something for my niece. I had leftover pulled pork then made mac and cheese for my niece. I also had some. I was kind of wheezing while I was cooking but I had just used the inhaler.

After I ate, I cleaned up and then went up two flights of stairs to my room. My lungs protested big time. I was so short of breath and wheezing. I was also coughing a lot so took the cough suppressant. I am now so exhausted after I recovered and breathing normally. My ankle flared up within minutes of sitting on my bed. I was thinking of listening to the game, but I am too fricken tired. I am going to take my meds and call it a night. If my brother in law comes to put in my AC and screen, that would be good. Going to be humid all weekend and I know I will be uncomfortable.

I finally had a bowel movement today. I took some fiber last night and again when I got home. I knew I was going to go as I was getting really bad cramps. Only problem was I didn’t poop enough so I am still feeling uncomfortable. My friend told me to drink a lot of water but that has problems of its own. I already changed underwear twice today and don’t want to do it a third time. I have been trying to drink fluids anyways because I have been sweating a lot. I think I am going to wear a diaper tomorrow when I go to the ball game. Sucks but at least I don’t have to worry about wetting my underwear. Nerve injury sucks. That is all for now. Pain has reached a 13 and I need to take my meds before it gets worse.

Mother’s Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Mother’s Day 2018

I’ve had a pretty good day, so far. Last night I was in a lot of pain and was not sure I would be able to have dinner with my family at a restaurant. I woke up feeling okay but my ankle became sore after walking on it for a little bit. I gave my mother her gag gift and she laughed.

The restaurant was pretty cool. It was Chinese food. It was pretty good. I had tonic water as I didn’t feel like having soda. My nephew came with us and he enjoyed what he had. He ordered Pad Thai. I had a bite and it was good but not as good as the one in Boston that I had the other day. He said we should go there and then to a Sox game. I said that sounds like a good idea. I ended up driving home with him. I was familiar with the area so it was easy to get home. I had to tell him the exit to get off. I thought he would know but he didn’t. He is still learning.

As soon as I was out of the boot, my foot acting up. My ankle is so blaring right now. I had went to the pharmacy to fill my meds. I did better today in recording when I take my meds. Yesterday I was not so good.