Tag: chronic pain

waves of despair due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, suicidality, suicide

Waves of despair due to pain

The Sox lost their 3rd game of the season. I had something to eat because I was hungry and then I tried sleeping. My foot/ankle has been playing up throughout most of the game. I laid down and tried to get comfortable. The pain wasn’t getting better so decided to take another pain med. And that is when my foot/ankle really said fuck you to me. I saw fucking stars. All I did was try and sit up. Hard to swallow a pill while you are lying down.

So my thoughts went to suicide. I’ve been stuck in this hole and I don’t think there is anyway out. I really don’t want to see my therapist anymore. Just thinking about walking to his office makes me anxious. I don’t talk about my suicidal feelings or thoughts because the last time I brought them up, he said I was “angry”. Typical Freud? It just upset me and I just feel like I have no where to go to talk about this shit except here. NO I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE RIGHT THIS SECOND OR IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! I am just TALKING about it, NOT ACTING on it. There is a fucking difference.

It’s the weekend so the information that I need to find out I can’t find out because the office isn’t open. I can make other plans though. I think I have a location that I can end things. I will scope the place out next week. It will be fun, get me out of the house for a few hours. It’s moments like this when the plan that has been going round and round my head has a chance to be written and spelled out because my stupid fucking pain is high and all I can think about is ending it. You know what is stupid? There has been less opioid prescriptions written since 2015 and yet there are more overdoses. People are still dying, want to know why? Because they are not fucking overdosing on prescription opioids!!! It is heroin and illicit fentanyl!! Way to go government and your stupid war on drugs.

I am so damn tired of being in constant pain. My niece is turning 13 today. I feel bad that her uncle will be dying soon because his pain is not being treated adequately. Hell, he isn’t even being taken seriously that he has pain. The only docs that believe him is his psychiatrist and the LGBT doctor. I am supposed to meet with the pain doc in two weeks. I don’t know if it will a waste of time or not. But in the mean time, I am supposed to wait. I will plan while I am waiting. Seems to be the sensible thing to do.

dinner, baseball, and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dinner, Baseball, Pain

I went South of Boston tonight to have dinner with some really great friends. We had an awesome time and my friend’s kids are more engaging as they get older. The son is the oldest and he is a freshman. I still remember when he was born and held him in my arms! Now he is a mini man, with a moustache and slight beard. I could have cried today. My babies aren’t babies anymore! Even my little guy is going to be 24 this June.

I got home in time for the game. Mookie Betts hit a home run at his first at bat. This is the sixth time in a row we have scored in the first inning. I love this team. As long as everyone stays healthy, I think we are going to be a VERY good team. An umpire got hit with a foul ball and had to leave the game. It’s a delay of game while a covering umpire gets the gear on.

I will be listening to the game as I probably am going to be up the next few hours. I am in tired but I am also in a lot of pain. My ankle bone started hurting while I was at the restaurant. I had an alcoholic beverage so I couldn’t take a pain medication. I wanted to try the Moscow mule. I didn’t know it had ginger beer in it so asked to have it made with ginger ale instead. I have a sensitivity to ginger so didn’t want to chance it as ginger beer is not something I ever had. I know it has more ginger than ale does.

I think I am going to have to cancel my therapy appt for Monday. I don’t think I can walk to his office. Just getting around the last few days have really done a number on my legs. It hasn’t been helping my sprain at all. Resting hasn’t been easy. I am going to dread tomorrow as I need to see my psychiatrist in the morning. I am going to try and be in bed by 2, which hopefully will give me at least 6 hours of sleep as I know my mother will call me in the morning. She didn’t call me this morning because I wasn’t going to be home to take the socks off her. I don’t know why she didn’t want my sister to take them off her.

Irritable Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

All day I’ve been in an irritable mood. My mother never called me to put on her socks. Then she got mad at me because I wanted pizza for supper and I left the house without telling her. I picked up my scripts and the person at Walgreens was slow as molasses even though she has been there for a few months. Then when she was checking me out, she was having a conversation with the pharmacist that obviously was more important. Pissed me off because I was in pain from standing up. I was wearing the boot and it was throwing my hips off. I was just in a lot of pain and just wanted to be home.

I get home and it smelled of chemicals from the roofers. I had an asthma attack. Then I felt dizzy from the smell even though I opened my window. I had to go to my sister’s to get some air. I never ordered pizza. My brother in law was telling me stories about how the place is going out of business. I have yet to hear anything. He just has been hearing things from people so who knows if it is true.

My mother opened the kitchen window but the house still smelled. I opened the window in the dining room and in the hallway. I just need to close them because it is going to fricken rain the next two days. Guess I won’t be wearing my boot because my foot will get soaked.

Because I won’t be home tomorrow, my mother doesn’t want to put on her socks. I won’t have a wake up call. Yay! I can sleep in. I hope anyway. Hope this irritablility goes away. I know it is because of pain and possibly the bipolar stuff. I rather just be depressed.

feeling overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling overwhelmed

My mother had woken me up around 0830. I was so damn exhausted. I put the socks on her and didn’t get up till 3 pm. I hardly slept last night because I was so hyper. I wanted a cup of tea when I got up but didn’t want to chance it making me hyper again. My sister wanted me to check on her house to make sure my niece didn’t leave crumbs and stuff so I went downstairs to check and get the mail. My niece did leave a mess, which I cleaned up best I could. Then I made a cappuccino thing that my sister has. It is not really strong but has enough caffeine in it to prevent me getting a headache.

Because I woke up so late, there was no point in going in town to get my prescriptions. I was not happy. I just have enough to last me till tomorrow. I hope I sleep tonight because if I don’t, I am just going to go nuts. I had a break down earlier when I was reaching for support about what to do with my mother’s sock situation. I can’t be getting up after going to sleep between the hours of 3 and 7. I just end up sleeping all day and that means I can’t do stuff I need to do. It’s stressing me out that I have to be awake for her. I just hate that once again the responsibility of care of a parent falls to me because I don’t work. I think I am going to talk to my sister about it because I just can’t deal. It hasn’t even been a week yet and I am having such anxiety about sleeping through my mother’s phone call or her waking me up abruptly. The stress of it isn’t doing me any favors. My mother likes to be up early. I don’t. Never have. She knows this. I don’t know if she is trying to change the way I have been or what, but it isn’t going to work. I need my sleep as uninterrupted as possible.

I didn’t record the time I took my last dose of pain meds last night so I have no idea how long I went in between doses. I am not feeling sick or dizzy so that is good. I took them when I came back to my room after I had something to eat. I told my mother I just ate and she asked me why I always eat at 3. Because I am hungry?? I mean WTF. She is so unreal.

I hope I have no problems sleeping tonight. Sox game is on at fucking 2200 so really need to stay off social media so I am not up all night. A friend called a little while ago asking if I still plan on going out to dinner with him and my other friends south of Boston. I said as long as I don’t wake up in pain, I am going. Even then I might go anyways. I hate canceling last minute but sometimes I have to. I have an appt with my psychiatrist Friday morning so this is going to be fun how things play out. Seeing my psych on no sleep will be fantastic. HAHA not. She only had the morning available. I need to see her to see if she got in touch with the bozos trying to treat my pain. I have a feeling they didn’t get back to her or she would have told me. I had told her I give up so there is no point in trying to reach out to them. They are completely useless.