Tag: chronic pain

Sleepy and Sad Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy and Sad day

I’ve been up since 0630 because I woke up with side effects from the Invega. I had spasticity and spaghetti arms. I took my pain meds, half an Ativan, and BP pill. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was so uncomfortable. An hour later I decided I would go to Starbucks and maybe write as I had time to kill, plenty of time.

The bus was late so I didn’t get to Starbucks till after 0815. I was still groggy as I ordered my espresso and breakfast sandwich. I then wondered how I was going to pay for my meal when it dawned on me that I had to open the Starbucks app to pay. Duh. Did I mention I was sleepy? The espresso took longer than heating up my sandwich. There wasn’t many people waiting for their drinks so I don’t know why 5 shots of espresso took so long. As I reached the table where my stuff was, I almost poured my drink out as I put my bag on the floor. Yes, I didn’t put the cover on the reusable mug. Great day I am having. I ate my sandwich and played with my phone. One of my friends had posted a pic of a doc that “sent a letter to the president” about how a person in his ER had tattoos and was smoking brand name cigarettes. Then he said should my tax dollars go to this person because he was on Medicaid. I thought it was very judgmental. The doc in the picture was white. I can only assume the patient was a POC, but I could be wrong. I felt like saying why should the patient be denied health insurance because of what he smokes and that he or she gets tattoos? It really irked me.

I finished my breakfast and took out my journal and notebook. I opened the journal to write for a bit as there was some stuff I wanted to write. I kept glancing at my notebook, wondering what I should write. I was still wondering if I should continue with what I had or start something new. I am totally frozen with this. I know I have to solve it if I want this damn story on paper. Thing is, I wasn’t sure where I was going when I first wrote, so picking it up again might lead no where. I don’t know. I only wrote about a page so it can go anywhere. I just got to move forward some how.

I was getting sleepy. A couple of young people came in Starbucks looking for an outlet. They had another brand of coffee. The guy’s pants was almost to his knees. He had a large overcoat on which was basically preventing everyone from seeing his underwear. I guess they found an outlet to charge their phones. They sat at the opposite end of where I was sitting. I just missed the bus home. I was cold and wanted my bed. The wind made every thing colder. I had to wait an hour for the next bus so I just wrote in my journal.

I came home and tried to snooze but my mother was watching the Price is Right and it was fricken loud. I heard every bell and whistle plus the noise of the audience. It was difficult to sleep. I gave up around noon when the show ended. I had to leave in a half hour to catch the bus to see my therapist.

I brought my therapist some muffins and we talked, mostly about my father. His anniversary is at the end of the month. Hard to believe two years has gone by. I still remember everything the week he died. It all happened pretty fast. I got kind of sad but I was too tired to let it affect me. My therapist said I sounded groggy. I was. He will be off next week so I will see him the following week.

I came home and just wanted sleep. I was still very cold despite the temps going up 10 degrees from the morning. I read Twitter to try and find out about Xander Bogaerts as he hurt his ankle. There wasn’t any new news. I got into bed and for the first time, I wasn’t warm under my fleece blanket. I must have laid there for about 10-15 minutes when my lower leg from the knee down felt like it was going to cramp. I took the other half of Ativan so I wouldn’t cramp. I waited for it to try and settle and then tried laying down again. My ankle was hurting really bad but I didn’t want to sit up again to take pain meds. I was just getting settled when the door bell rang. My mother was screaming for me. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going downstairs. My foot and ankle hurt too much and I knew if I stood, it was going to flare. I don’t know why my mother didn’t just call me on the phone. It turned out to be my books that I ordered. Fricken UPS had rung the bell.

I checked Twitter after sleeping for about 1.5 hours. My stupid med alarm went off and scared me to death. I wanted to go back to sleep but knew it was going to go off again in forty-five minutes for my night meds. Then I heard Wheel of Fortune so got up. I desperately needed food as the only thing I had eaten was the sandwich from this morning. I had something to eat and found out about Bogey. He cracked his ankle bone. Great. That possibly means 4-8 weeks out. I hope he doesn’t need surgery. He will be out for the season. I feel really bad for him. He had hurt his ankle while chasing a foul ball near the Rays dugout yesterday. I hope he heals quick. I am sad to see him hurt like this the beginning of the season. He was really getting into a groove. I don’t know who will take over his position. It won’t be the same infield with him gone for a while.

Eight and one!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Eight and one!!

For the first time in Red Sox franchise history, the Sox have an opening record of 8-1! They had a huge comeback win in the bottom of the 8th, scoring 6 runs to beat the Rays 8-7! It was so fucking awesome. I was ready to turn off the radio when the hits were just coming left and right. Then I didn’t want to leave my room until the game was over! It was so fucking awesome. I am so happy. There is no game tomorrow (sad face). The game Tues is against the Skankees.

I had an awful night. I didn’t go to sleep until 7 only to wake up a couple hours later because I was hungry. I guess the couple pieces of toast that I had around 4 wasn’t enough to hold me. I had frosted mini wheat cereal. I told my mother I was going back to bed. She called me around noon as her pillow exploded in the washer. What she expected me to do, I have no idea. I am glad I put my phone on do not disturb.

I have therapy tomorrow though I don’t know how much sleep I will be getting tonight. Seems my pain likes to spike and stay up around 2200, making it difficult to sleep. I made a cup of tea after the game and my ankle went berserk. All the bones are aching right now. I am really tired.

I have decided to split my meds so I am not taking so much at night as they seem to be making me feel bloated and in general just bothering my stomach. I take about 12-14 pills at night so I chose the pills that were less likely to make me sleepy. I start tomorrow as I didn’t fill my pill box this morning and I woke up too late to take the meds I wanted to. I plan on taking them in about a half hour to forty-five minutes. I want to take them before 1900 today because I want to be able to try and wind down. Course I tried that last night but I had a pain spike and then an unexpected bowel movement that caused nerve pain in my butt. That was so much fun as sitting hurt until Neurontin kicked in.

The picture on my blog is the mug that my brother in law gave me for Christmas. I thought it was fitting for this post. I have deemed it my tea mug. I was really dying for a cup today. I had ordered some “strong” tea from the UK that my friend on Twitter told me about. I am glad I waited as the first kind I bought but canceled was 100 bags. This order is for 50 bags. I hope I like it. It’s made my Twinning. I usually buy Bigelow tea. I have been on a tea kick lately. I haven’t made coffee at home in at least two weeks. I still drink my espresso at Starbucks. It just tastes different than coffee. I really wasn’t drinking the cups I made, no matter what kind I was making. I just couldn’t drink more than half a cup. The coffee was okay but I just couldn’t drink it. Maybe it is just a phase and I will go back after a while. I hope so. I have four bags of coffee!

waves of exhaustion are fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…

Morning Glory Muffins and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Morning Glory Muffins and other things

In case you missed the link for the recipe: https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/morning-glory-muffins-recipe

I woke up at 5 in pain. My ankle was screaming. I took some meds and was just beside myself. The depression that I have been feeling is getting worse. I just feel so hopeless. I managed to go downstairs to use the bathroom and then have some breakfast as I was hungry. I made four waffles and a cup a tea. I was starting to get a little sleepy by the time the tea was cool enough to drink. I went back to sleep after I drank it.

I woke up around 11. I found out the ballgame was at 2 so wanted to make these dreaded muffins. I should have used a food processor to chop in hindsight. I stood for about an hour walking around my kitchen getting things and mixing and stuff. I realized when while I was mixing it the apples I cut up were too big and the carrots were shredded too long. Oh well. It was the first time making this recipe. The muffins would just be chunky. They have apples, carrots, walnuts, coconuts, and raisins. It is a nice hearty muffin. It came out good. Even my mother liked it, and she doesn’t usually like my baking.

I went up to my room to rest and listen to the game. It was like the 7th inning and there still was no score. Price, the pitcher, left and then the Rays scored after a 2 run home run. Then we tied it in the 9th. We ended up winning in the 12th. I was happy. It was the 6th game in a row that we won. Our record right now is 6-1. Tomorrow they are off. Saturday is a day game, Sunday probably as well. I am happy with my team. I wish Red Sox Nation would give JBJ, the centerfielder a break. We probably would have lost the game had he not been playing today as there were some pretty tough balls hit to him.

My ankle exploded sometime around 5 and then again around 7 when I went to put eyedrops in my eyes. Same pain that I have been having all day. I hope I can see my psych tomorrow. She will understand if I don’t make it but it takes forever to get another appointment. I really hope I sleep tonight and don’t wake up fucking early in the morning. I can’t even give myself a “bedtime” because it never happens. I have been trying to stay off my phone when I want to sleep. Only trouble is that the books that I have been reading have been on my Kindle so the no electronics rule is out the window. I really need to read more but it’s so hard when the pain makes my brain mush. I can only read a few lines, like Twitter. I mostly just read a few tweets and skip the rest because they don’t pertain to me. I hate retweets because some of them are so not relevant to what I like. But whatever. Some of it is good because it keeps me in the loop of what Dotard is up to.