Tag: chronic pain

warm day in February

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Warm day in February

A very unusual day today as temps reached 70 degrees. I don’t ever remember the temps being that high this time of year for Boston. Despite the nice weather, my pain didn’t decrease. Standing was difficult all day and the bones in my ankle joint hurt really bad. I woke up in pain and just stayed in bed though my phone kept on ringing after 10 am. I was getting annoyed. My mother wanted me to turn down the heat and I said yeah, if I went downstairs, which wasn’t happening soon. She came home a little while later with my loud mouth cousin in tow. Fuck. I was hungry so I went downstairs as I had to use the bathroom. As I was making something, my cousin said I was always eating. Fuck, really? It was noon time so excuse me for wanting some food. Just because he doesn’t eat, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. It made me so mad. I had to suffer with him and my mother call me she/her and my birth name. I kept my mouth shut because he is a judgmental fuck and doesn’t like anything to do with LGBT. I just ate and wanted to make coffee but couldn’t stand being around him. I went back to my room and of course he had something to say to that, too. I waited for him to leave before going back down to make coffee. I made it a little strong but it was good.

I read Harry Potter for most of the day. The pain in my ankle did not drown out at all. I took some ibuprofen as it was bone pain and I just ate so I could take the max dose. When I was done with reading an hour or two later, I was still in the same level of pain. I was tempted to call my PCP as the pain is getting worse than my “normal” pain. I haven’t done anything that I recall. Only thing that stopped me was that I knew he wouldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t like he was going to change my meds or anything. I am so tired of living with this pain and just going on this existence. Like what the fuck is the point?

I’m going back to the Wizard World. I really want to finish this book this week.

Round Here Buzz

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Round here buzz

Decided to listen to music and this was the first song on my playlist. Love Eric Church and this album. Must have listened to this song thousands of time. My top three songs on this album, other than the title, Mr. Misunderstood, are Round here buzz, Mixed drinks with feelings, and Record Year.

I had another early morning awakening. Around the same time too, 5 am. I stayed up for about an hour and just as I was about to fall back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I forgot to change the time before falling asleep last night. I took the pill and was able to get back to sleep. I slept till around 1300 or so. I was really sleepy and didn’t want to get up. My ankle was still being a jerk. I wanted coffee and knew it wasn’t going to make itself as I had no magic wand so I went downstairs to the kitchen. I made a two cheese egg burrito and Casi Cielo. Coffee was good. I brought it back up to my room and decided to read for a bit. I put on the stopwatch and found that I read a chapter in like 20-25 minutes. So I kept on reading. I was in the part of the Deathly Hallows where they were at the Ministry and freed the muggle borns from the court. I couldn’t stop there so read some more until Ron leaves after he finds out Ginny was punished for trying to steal the sword of Gryffindor.

There were about four eggs left after I made my burrito so I decided to go to the grocery store to buy some more. I had about a half hour before the next bus would come. I went downstairs to put my mug in the sink and told my mother I would be going to the store to get eggs. Then I asked her if she wanted to get the washer as it was on sale and today was the last day for it. She said she wanted to look at it. I said are you waiting for the washer to completely break before getting a new one? I told her by then the price would go up and she would pay more. She said okay. I showed her the washer that was similar to the one we had. No fancy buttons or anything. She wanted to see if it was big enough to wash a blanket. I said it was a deep fill washer so I think so. But she wanted to be sure so I read the description to her. I told her this washer could wash 14 towels at once so I think one blanket would fit. She said she wanted a freezer as well so after I place the washer in the cart, I checked out the freezers. Found one that looked like the one she wanted and went with her step by step on what she wanted as far as warranties and such. By the time I was done, I had missed the bus. I figure I would catch another bus route rather than the Square as it was getting late.

I went upstairs to get dressed, happy that we had a new washer on the way. I went back downstairs and asked my mother if 4 dozen eggs would be okay. I don’t know why I asked. She then asked the price of the eggs and I told her. She said that was too expensive and I nearly went insane when she said 2 dozen. I said you want me to go out for just 2 dozen eggs??? I said whatever and went downstairs to vent to my sister. I swear my mother thinks things should be a buck and if they are not, wait till they are on sale. We had 4 eggs that is not going to last till they are on sale! My mother and I use eggs nearly every day. I vented then caught the bus. I didn’t feel like listening to music so just rode the bus. The grocery store was not crowded and I liked that. I grabbed what I needed and a half gallon of juice.

I went to the busway and realized the bus there wouldn’t be coming for another hour so I caught the bus to the Square to catch the bus home. My ankle was killing me by the time I came home. Felt like a rod was going through my foot if I bared full weight on it. I was exhausted like I had been doing shit all day. My mother was making supper when I came home. I put the things away and just as I put the last dozen in the fridge, my ankle flared again. I sat for a bit and put my foot in the air so nothing was putting pressure on it. It was a stop gap measure. I was still hurting when I got up a few minutes later to change out of my jeans. I should have taken a pain pill but didn’t think of it. After I finished eating and went back up to my room, I took it.

I went on my laptop and checked out twitter. The Orange Buffoon was starting shit again, blaming everyone but himself for things. Then I saw Red Sox news and was scanning all my Sox tweety buddies. Deal has been made with JD Martinez, a free agent outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks. They have been talking about signing him ALL fricken off season and today is the day they finally do, much to my chagrin. We got him for 5 yrs at $21 mill/year, pending a physical. I had to laugh when someone proposed a lineup that had Ramirez, our current DH, as playing first base! HA! He only played a handful of games at first base all last season. I don’t expect him to when we have Moreland! I don’t remember if Ramirez had shoulder surgery in the off season or not. A few guys did. But Ramirez stinks either way. He has been with us two years now and hasn’t done shit. This will be his third season with us. I always like to see how spring training goes before I decide on anyone. But this bozo who listed his probable line up was a complete joke. We have a new manager for the Sox so it will be interesting how he plays people. I don’t know if he goes by analyses or not. The former manager did so would have a guy off for a certain pitcher. I don’t know if Cora (manager) will do the same or not. I cannot wait. First Spring Training game will be this Friday!! I just hope it will be on the radio!

same shit, different day, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Same shit different day again

Today was the repeat of yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain, after sleeping for about 4 hours. The docs can shove this cream up their asses. It’s not helping me sleep in the least. It obviously isn’t helping my pain during the night. I am so fucking angry. I plan on writing them a note saying that this isn’t working. I just wish I could CC my PCP so he knows as well. I am also going to try and see this jerk (pain doc) sooner than 4 weeks as I can’t go on like this. I’ve waited four fucking months for this appointment and I’ll be damned to wait another month.

I’ve been eating since I woke up around 3. I had a pop tart, burger, and some fish. The fish was very good. It was my favorite kind, cod. My sister bought about 2 lbs and gave it to my mother to cook. She had paid like $14. The butcher shop that I went to wanted $12 for 1lb. I looked at it before getting my burgers. I did want to buy it but my mother said not to get it for that price. It was my money but my mother thinks everything should be less than 10 bucks or something. I don’t think she gets that things are no longer the price she grew up with. She was telling me when she was younger crabs, the whole thing, were a nickel. Now they are like $13/lb. Seafood has gone up because of overfishing. There are a lot less fishermen than it was back in her youth. Some of the fish isn’t even from the Atlantic but other places south or even in the Pacific, like Alaskan cod or salmon.

I really need to set some timer on my phone so I can use it less. I want to read more. This is the first week since Oct that I have no appointments. Hopefully, I can spend that time finishing Harry Potter. I think that will be my goal for the week. I am low on my Starbucks funds so I think I will go just one day this week. I have a reward for a free drink as well. When I finish reading Harry, I will try to do some writing with the story. It was weird that in the dream I had before I woke up this afternoon, it had my father in it and the people in it were reading my story. My father was in the emergency room for something and we were waiting to be seen. He was on a stretcher in the hallway. Then next to it was the kitchen of my house I grew up in. So weird. I always have these dreams that the doors to this house lead to my house or to some other place.

I bought the song Diane last night. I needed to listen to it on repeat. Cam’s voice is awesome. And every time I watch the video, I fall in love with her more. I started following her in Instagram and was sad to find out she is married. Not surprised as she is a knockout. All the good ones are either straight or taken. Oh well.

Fear of suicide (revision to blog of 6 Feb 2013)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Fear of suicide.

This statement can be taken one of two ways. The first is that some people are afraid to talk about suicide for fear of sparking ideation or thinking about suicide. The second is that when
someone knows you are feeling low and have attempted before, they are afraid of losing that person and react in ways that may or may not help that person. Suicide attempters are at higher risk than non-attempters.

I’ll talk about the second interpretation first. I have a friend who is having me motivate her into
writing by having me contact her every day for six weeks. What sparked this was, she read my blog about my recent near-suicide attempt. Now her ulterior motive is to keep me alive the only way she can think of, by having me write to her every day. In return, she has to write at least two pages a day for her own well-being. She needs my help to pursue her writing, which is important to her more than anything. We are also guarding a human connection that is valuable to us. My writing keeps me alive, and because she doesn’t want to let me down, that helps her to write. She has this idea that people need human connection in order to stay connected to what they truly need to do, even if that connection is between polar opposites. She is bubbly and athletic, a motivational speaker, while I’m someone who is in chronic pain and disabled because of it.

I have to say that since I have been writing, I have been in better space. I would not say that I feel more connected, but I don’t want to let her down, so I try and write a little each day. Our rules are to email each other when we are done, and we are allowed our birthdays and Christmas off. For days where it is not possible for me to write because of whatever reason, we have given each other three passes on writing. Sometimes, because my pain or sleep deprivation is intolerable I find that it can help me be creative and write about things. I don’t have a censor when I write. Whatever I think at that moment, I write it out. Sometimes I find that writing it on paper helps more than writing in a word document.

I sometimes feel exposed because I am bearing my soul to this person I met through a friend on Facebook. We both belong to the same organization for suicide prevention. I am guessing that because she thinks of me as a sibling, and she did lose her sister to suicide many years ago, she does not want me to end up that way.

I write often because it is an outlet for me and my emotions. I am anonymous when it comes to my blog but not too much, as I pass these blogs on to my personal Facebook site, where my family members can have access to it if they were inclined to read it. Most often they do not because they are not online as much as my other friends are. I do not tell my family what I am doing. It would be heartbreaking and awkward for them to read what I write and then get asked at the dinner table what I meant by something I wrote. To be honest, half the stuff I write about, I forget. It’s an outlet like no other.

I am not going to lie and pretend that I don’t think about killing myself every day. It is a constant struggle, and I think that I worry a lot of my close friends who actually get to know me or who read my blogs about my struggles. But I think the reason why my blog has been so successful is because people can relate to what I write.

As far as the fear that talking about suicide can bring about a suicidal crisis, that is a common myth. Talking about suicide can actually prevent one, but some people are just not comfortable with the subject, and so they will say stuff that they think the person who is miserable wants to hear, like. “You have your life ahead of you,” “Don’t be so down, things could be worse,” or my favorite “You have so much to live for.”

People don’t understand the pain that is involved in depression or in thinking about suicide. I have problems. Quite a few. I have mental illness and chronic physical and mental pain. Both make me want to take my life. I have been thinking about taking my life since I was 8 years old. I was in a lot of pain for some reason or another, and it never got taken care of. Today, I think that pain stems from the fact that I am really a male and not a female. I knew at a young age that I was different, and back then, there was no expressing how I truly felt. I really think that if I had gotten help sooner, this would have come to light sooner, and I wouldn’t be in this pickle today about what to do with my transition.

I’ve started a new journal. And like every other journal before it, the first thing that goes into it is my crisis response plan which is the following (taken from the Air Force Guide to Managing Suicidal Behavior-Appendices)

When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and review more reasonable responses to my suicidal thoughts
Step 3: Do things that help me feel better for at least 30 minutes (examples can include trying to sleep, playing internet games, listening to music, etc.)
Step 4: Repeat all of the above
Step 5: If thoughts continue or get specific, and I find myself preparing to do something, I will call a suicide hotline or someone that I trust sometimes hotlines aren’t so helpful but calling a friend is
Step 6: If I cannot reach the above, I will call my therapist or psychiatrist
Step 7: If I am still feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like I can control my behavior, I will go to the ER or call 911

I have found having this useful when I have been hospitalized because it provides a plan of something that they need for discharge, and I always carry my journal.