Tag: chronic pain

Pain and feeling blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up nearly every hour from 330-630. I was in pain but I was too sleepy to turn over to take my meds. Then by the time 0630 hit, I was really hurting so I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I was feeling kind of blah and didn’t really want to do anything. It was cold out so I took my meds and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I got up around 1130. My ankle was throbbing. I knew I should have something to eat but I didn’t know what to make. An hour or so later, I decided to order something.

After I ate, I went back to my room and holy pain! My foot turned into a block of ice and was so painful. I was feeling really down. I wanted to call PT to let them know I was not going back but I wanted to nap. I laid down and within fifteen minutes, my damn ankle bone went berserk. I decided to take the strong pain pill as I didn’t know what else to do and I couldn’t take my regular med for a few hours.

Today is the 17th anniversary of getting Cauda Equina Syndrome. I had lost feeling in my feet and had foot drop. My left leg was also numb. I was 25 and couldn’t walk or stand. It was a very difficult time. I had no idea if I would regain the use of my leg and it took months to walk unassisted. I was lucky that it was caught early and I did regain some mobility. I wasn’t 100% but that was okay. The shock of it is still with me to this day, made worse by being disabled by another condition that could have been because of the Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have no idea if it was or if I would have developed CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, anyway. I still feel sad that I am no longer able to walk far like I once did. Even walking a block or two is difficult some days.

Let the imagination run

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Let the imagination run

I had a great therapy session today. I told him about the appointment with the LGBT doc and how I liked him. I also told him about how I wasn’t sure if I have been putting too much pressure on myself by wanting to be the person I was before I was disabled. It just seems like I am unable to keep up with my appointments and just doing daily activities, such as making meals and stuff. My pain is so unpredictable but this weekend, my pain was manageable for some reason. I think the appointment stress of meeting with the LGBT doc and moving forward with my transition was weighing on me more than I realized.

We also talked about my writing difficulties. I told him about the story that has been in my head the last few months and the difficulty of writing it because of how I felt about it. I also voiced my trouble with setting time aside to write. Sure, I write my blog every day, but some days that is tough. I get distracted by my phone or the internet or social media. Some days I start a blog and lose my concentration because I don’t know what to write and nothing is coming to me. Then there are days where things flow and I can get it done within an hour or so. But I want to get this story out and it has been burning for far too long on the back burners. I want to write it out but I am scared that I am going to go nuts. We talked about it, having a back and forth conversation. It was such a relief to talk about my writing and how to go about it. I felt validated and supported in what I was doing.

So as I was leaving, I felt pretty good, like a weight has been lifted. I went to Walgreens to buy some new composition notebooks. I have two that I bought maybe a year ago but I wanted to get some more (I have a thing for these kinds of notebooks like I do pens). I was thinking about the session on the way home and how I was going to implement writing time. I honestly don’t have a clue. Getting the notebooks and putting them in my bag is a start. I felt like buying more pens but, I uh, have like 5 boxes of pens so fought off that impulse. I am kind of excited about this and hope that I can do it. I do better writing with pen and paper than I do trying to write on a laptop. Typing up what I write is challenging as sometimes I can’t read what I wrote or what I wrote didn’t make sense. He said to let my imagination run so I am going to give it a go and see where it gets me. No one has to see it. He’s not like my former therapist that wanted me to share everything with her. It is just for my benefit. And maybe the crazy flashbacks will stop once the stories are out. I sadly realized that it has been 30 years since all this was forming in my brain. I do have to watch one episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation, though I don’t know when I will do that. It’s kind of like the base of when the story started and it took off for ten years and then stopped abruptly because I got sick.

I came home. I must have taken about two or three steps after I stepped off the bus for my ankle to act up. I limped home and now my bones are aching. I am trying not to take the strong pain pill as I just took my regular pain med when I left my therapist’s office. I am so tired of being in pain just by walking. It is so frustrating.

A friend had emailed me about her frustration with the game last night. I shared in her grief. I wrote a response. I still am thinking about what to do with physical therapy. I see my PT Friday so I have a few days. My gut is telling me to stop and I think I am going to listen to it. I will tell my PT when I see her. I just don’t think continuing to go is going to benefit me and the stress of going is not helping me or my pain.

Football (American)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Football (American)

My Pats lost the Super Bowl. Game just ended a few minutes ago. It was a good game overall but the Pats defense could not hold the Eagles back enough to let the offense on the field.

My head hurts. I am tired. I woke up and did a lot of things today, going to the store twice and making chocolate zucchini bread. I used a small loaf pan that I bought so it took two hours for it to cook, maybe more. I know I put it in for 60 minutes but it took maybe a little more than an hour to really be done. I had to increase the oven temp and then check it every 10 minutes or so. Next time I will use the regular loaf pan.

Surprisingly despite all that I did, including taking a shower, my pain levels didn’t spike to astronomical levels. It has been a medium type of pain most of the day. I hope that when I lay down, my foot or ankle doesn’t go berserk on me.

The play of the game was more than 4 hours. I made a comment about how there has been talk of shortening baseball games lengths. Usually a baseball game will be about three and a half hours, minimum, though it could be less. It all depends on the speed of the game but some pitchers and changing of pitchers makes the game longer to last four hours or more, especially when there is a tie and it goes to extra innings or there are long at bats. There are many reasons a game lasts long. I personally don’t care how long it is. I love the game and want it to be played the way it currently is. There has been talk of the pitcher’s clock where I think they have 30 seconds to pitch the ball or something like that. I have no idea if it will be enforced. Will know more in about 10 days when Spring Training starts. I cannot wait. My love is coming back soon. I am pretty excited about it.

One of the suicide prevention twitter people I follow post about suicide not being an option the other day. I responded that death is always an option. Some idiot responded saying that I should follow his/her account on Facebook and we could talk about it. I asked why I had to follow him/her on another social media site. I got a weird response back so I blocked the account. It really bothers me when people say suicide is not an option. It is always an option in the human race, it has to be. People dying from incurable diseases or suffering indignity due to some disease have to have the right to end their lives on their terms. No one is promised a tomorrow but for those suffering, shouldn’t they at least have the choice to end it before they can no longer make that decision for themselves? I know I have been suicidal many times in the past year. I have no attempted in a very long time. I will be damned if I am going to let some asshat tell me I can’t take my life because it goes against their creed. I have chronic pain and it is a fucking struggle to be here day in and day out when all I want to do is end my life. As the great father of suicidology has said “How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention.” –Edwin Shneidman

Saturday Blog 3-Feb-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a decent sleep, the first in about three weeks. I had a little pain when my med reminder alarm went off this morning. I took some pain meds. I didn’t get out of bed and I don’t remember if I went back to sleep or not. I know I got up around 10 after deciding to order breakfast from McDonalds because I didn’t want to waste spoons. I really wanted to change my sheets today. I had breakfast, made coffee, and while drinking it, I finished my baseball history book. It was the first book of the year I read. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows next soon as I find where I put it. I have both hardcover and paperback. I like reading the hardcover but if I can’t find it in my stacks of books, I will read the paperback. I know where that is.

The baseball book wasn’t really what I was looking for. It was nice to know the history of the origins of game I love and how it flitted between organizations until the 1900s. It didn’t say when baseball created MLB as an organization, though it did say that the National League and American League were formed. However, it didn’t give the names of the teams and cities. It was frustrating because it would say the city names but not the team names at the time. For example, the oldest baseball team is the Cincinnati Reds. They were created in 1869 as the Cincinnati Red Stockings. Boston was formed in 1871 and also called the Red Stockings. It was called the Americans and Bostonians before they officially became the Red Sox around 1901. New York Yankees (which I call the Snakes, Skanks, or Skankees) weren’t formed until 1901 as the Baltimore Orioles (no relation to today’s Baltimore O’s) then became the New York Highlanders. I think it was around 1913 they became the Yanks, but I could be wrong. The Giants were formed before the Skanks and was based in New York before moving to California where they are now the San Francisco Giants. I really would love a book that has the history of the teams but isn’t made of stats or players names. The evolution of the game was great with this book but left me wanting more. I do have a Red Sox history book that a friend gave me for Christmas one year. I need to find it so I can read it.

I was tired after I finished the last chapter. I didn’t want to change my sheets but I forced myself to. I cleared off my “office”. I just put the crap in places where they wouldn’t fall. It will somehow accumulate back on my bed. Right now I just have my laptop, tissues, Kindle, and reacher on my bed.

Losing my mobility has been the hardest to accept. I’ve been asking myself if I am trying too hard or not trying enough to be the person I was before I was disabled. It is a tough position. I’ve accepted my mental illness since I realized I would always need medication for it if I was to survive but being physically impaired is very tough. Don’t take what you can do for granted, ever. You never know when you will lose it. Enjoy those walks