Tag: chronic pain

LGBT appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

LGBT appt and other things

I woke up early this morning to see the LGBT doc. I was nervous about it. I got there and I had to have them change my name. I thought I had my insurance card on me and I didn’t. They had the right info though so didn’t need it, it was just my name that needed changing. I liked the doc. He answered my questions and said that because I had a history of bipolar, he needed to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist. He also said that it will be a few appointments before I get started on hormones. I already figured that. He said that testosterone might increase mania. He asked if he wanted to transfer my primary care there and I was hesitant. I told him I was on pain meds and he said he had no problem taking over. I am not happy with my current PCP so I took a chance and said okay. Now I got to let my PCP know he is fired.

I have an appt with the new doc in seven weeks, which is more than what my pain meds would be for another refill. I would have to keep my current PCP a little longer. I see him the week before the appt with the new doc so I will tell him I am planning on transferring then.

I have been in so much pain since I came home. Because I was up early, I have been trying to sleep but dammit, half my ankle and foot go berserk every time I lay down. The last time, the pain was so painful and indescribable, I just started crying. The pain then caused my shin muscles to cramp up. I needed to get the heat pack and of course my bladder forced me downstairs because it had to be emptied. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to go down another flight of stairs to use my sister’s bathroom. There was no way I could hold it long. When my bladder says it is time to go, it’s time to go.

I hope I am not up all night in pain. I am so tired of sleepless nights. I might try finishing the baseball book. I just don’t know if I have the brain power. I feel so foggy from being sleep deprived. I think tomorrow I am just going to rest. I am not going to do a damn thing. I’ll try and change my sheets Sunday. I might make the zucchini bread then too. I don’t know. I know that anything I do gives me pain. A member of my support group says I should walk when in severe pain. OK. That doesn’t help me.

When I came home, it was freezing in my room because it was windy out. I had tried to nap but the wind was so bad it was rattling the doors in my room, and they were closed! It was scaring me so I had to close the window. Now my room is hot again. My foot has now gone from indescribable pain to burning. I really don’t want to take the Neurontin because I think it causes dizziness the next day. I don’t know why it is causing this now as I have been taking it for years. I only took 600 mg last night. I usually take more.

One thing that stands out from the LGBT doc is that he asked me if I had any Narcan. It is a drug used to reverse the effects of opioid overdose. I told him I was never prescribed this med. He said he would as I could accidently overdose. Although I have often felt like taking a handful when my pain is bad, I don’t take more than I should. I take my two tabs every six hours or so follow by the strong pain pill if I need it a few hours later. I am very careful with my meds, all of them, not just the opioids I take. The only med I might take more of is the Neurontin. But I haven’t been doing that lately because my appetite is out of control the next day. I have also gained a lot of weight the past two months. I hate it. I feel so yucky. I hate myself for letting myself get so fat. I’ve been trying to cut back but there are days when I only eat one meal and then there are days where I am always hungry. I can’t win with these meds. The testosterone might cause weight gain too. I don’t know what I am going to do about that. It could just be more muscle than fat but in my mind, more weight just is an issue regardless. It’s not like I can go to a gym and workout. I would love to go back on a treadmill or even walk to the train station like I used to as either one is about 1 mile from my house. I really miss walking. If you are abled bodied, please don’t ever take walking for granted. You never know when it will be taken away from you.

discouraged and fatigued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I have serious mental illness that disrupts my thoughts and shifts my mood to hopelessness and suicidal in an instant. I lose motivation to do things. Just getting out of the house is hard. 2 this condition is flat out driving me insane.

I asked my physio what are the goals of therapy and she laid it out for me and stressed I need to be doing the home exercises to regain what I have lost. It is stressing me out that going to my appts and then having to rest the day after or two is not working. I’m still in pain. She wants me to go to some functional program. But it takes full commitment, 2 or 3 days of being there 8-2pm. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’ve been up all night in pain. Monday’s are worse because I have to walk to my therapist’s office. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to lay around the house and go to Starbucks and write. But pain is limiting me to even do that. I’m not adequately controlled with my pain so how the hell can I do these exercises if I hurt. Just fed up and want to quit everything.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My PT emailed me with goals and wanting me to go to a functional program at a different SRH location. My depression makes doing anything hard. Pain compounds this. I haven’t been doing much with the home exercises because I am exhausted after going to an appt the day before or even going to PT appt. PT is saying I need to commit to the therapy to regain function (haven’t had function in my ankle for 17 yrs mind you) and decrease fatigue in my foot/ankle. I’m starting to feel like a failure but I am not getting adequate pain control and I don’t know if I ever will. Just making breakfast today and taking out the trash hurt me. Making the squash killed me. Going up and down stairs hurts every single day and I do that a lot. Add the PT and it will overflow me. I feel like I am drowning. I am out of the house at least 3 times a week. I just can’t keep up. I move I hurt. I don’t move I hurt. How can I win?

If I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I am just going to end it. Why bother?

screwed up with my laptop

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Screwed up with my laptop

My RAM for the laptop came in. I took the laptop apart and found that there were no memory slots. I emailed Dell and they said the unit came like that. WTF. I am going to see if I can return it. No use in having it if I can upgrade it. In the process of fiddling with it, I somehow caused the mouse to become non-functional. I will have to take it apart again and see what I messed with. A wire might be loose or something.

I went for blood work this morning as my psychiatrist wanted to check my chemistries. Everything came back within normal limits. The phlebotomists sucked. They stuck me twice and were poking with the needle. Assholes. I wasn’t feeling like picking a fight with them so I just let it be. I was tired and hungry and just wanted to leave. My foot has been bothering me all fricken day. I canceled physical therapy. I am so tempted to cancel my remaining appts. I am just fed up with being in pain and nothing really helping. It’s really hard to do the home exercise routine when you are in pain worse than you were the day before. I am trying to do at least one thing but that doesn’t always happen. I keep blaming myself for this, which I know isn’t helping but at the same time I can’t help but think I am not trying. Yet if I am able to go to Starbucks for the day, then that is something more than just doing some exercises.

Can’t believe in two days I see the LGBT doc. I am really nervous about it. I keep imagining the worse, which is him saying no, I can’t have hormones ever. That will just crush me. I know there might be some hinderances, especially with my damn current reproductive system that may or may not cause delay. My biggest fear is that I will need an MRI to check my pituitary before I start hormones. I hate brain MRIs worse than back MRIs. I am a little claustrophobic and because they have your head in this cage thing, just makes it worse.

I need to change my bed sheets this weekend. It’s a chore I fricken hate with a passion but needs to be done. The foam topper is sliding off the mattress and because of the nice straps I bought, they are keeping the sheet in place, which makes it hard to move the foam back in place. It is very annoying.

I need to make the vegetables that I bought last week. I really want to make the butternut squash and mash it with brown sugar and butter. I’m not sure what to do with the zucchini. I wanted to make chocolate zucchini bread but my mother is using both her cake holders. I won’t have a container to put the bread in when it is done. I might cut it up and put it in Tupperware containers or something. Depends on how I feel tomorrow as I don’t want to be hurting all day tomorrow as I need to get up early Friday morning for the doc appt. I will be going in the opposite direction of the Square as I need a different train to get to the doc’s office. It is right by Fenway Park, which I will drool a little bit as baseball season is around the corner. Seemed like forever for it to come. Just two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting. Going to be an interesting season with the new manager. Man, I miss baseball. I need to finish the history book I am reading. I only have two chapters left. I wanted to read one this afternoon but my damn laptop distracted me. I will read one before bed. So much for reading 1 book a month. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to do this.

Another twitter rant on suicidal thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another twitter rant on suicidal thoughts

Severe pain is an apparent suicidal trigger for me as I am sure others with Chronic Pain are too. In that moment, you just want to die as you don’t know if relief is coming or not. With CRPS, pain changes. Bone pain could become foot pain. It is never ending. Suicidal thoughts are fluid in people with chronicity. I can feel it for a few minutes to hours to days. It just takes a spark to ignite. Add hopelessness and the longer it lasts. If I feel trapped, I start planning my death. Sometimes I will give myself a date. Having that date comforts me. I can act on that date if I am still as intensely suicidal as I was in the moment of planning my death. Otherwise, the day passes like an ordinary day. Tonight I just had the passing thoughts of death and intense feelings of Joiner’s interpersonal theory of burdonsomness, better off without me feelings. I still don’t know why I am still here. I don’t wish to be. Guess I am just a coward to act. I have felt intensely suicidal a lot. I’ve given myself so many dates it is not funny. I fantasize about my plans and going through with them. Yet I am still here. As long as I have the fantasy of death, it keeps me here. It is a great escape, especially when pain keeps you from moving. Hopelessness intensifies the suicidal feelings more than being depressed or sad. I don’t have to be depressed to think about killing myself.