Tag: chronic pain

suicidal triggers, how fast they come

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Suicidal triggers, how fast they come on

I’ve had a long day. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist back to back. I left my house around 1130 and didn’t get home till around 1800. Meeting with my psych went well. She wants me to call her after my appt with the LBGT doc I see Friday. I had to laugh because she said it so eagerly. I told her I would page her when I got home that day. As I was leaving the building, I bumped into my former supervisor in the lab. We talked for a bit before going our separate ways. I told her to say hi to the folks in the lab for me, especially the other supervisor. I really miss being in the lab. It was my life for 14 years.

I was feeling kind of sore as I walked toward the station to go to my therapist’s office. I had to take a little break about half way there. I had been having dizzy spells on and off all day. I was making sure to keep hydrated today. My therapist and I had a good chat. We didn’t stay on any one topic for too long. I felt good after seeing him. I decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. I grabbed something then made my way home. The train was delayed at points, much to my annoyance, as I wanted to get home, eat, and then sleep. Finally got to my stop and I stood up. HOLY PAIN. My ankle scooping pain that I have been feeling for a week returned and felt like my ankle bone was going to pop. I swore as I hung on the railing to keep from falling. I limped to the escalator and the rest of the way through the station to get to the busway. My mood took a nosedive. My sister had texted me and I responded that I was on my way home and hurting. As I waited for the bus, I sat there pondering why I am still alive. What is the purpose of living if I am just going to be in fucking pain. I was so fed up. I felt like I was no good to my family. They would be better off without me. I felt such high despair it was unbearable. I didn’t let my sister know any of this. She said she hopes the pain settles and that she loves me. I responded thanks and love you too.

The bus came and it felt like forever getting to my stop, not like I was looking forward to getting off the bus. I had to walk 2.5 blocks to my house, which I knew would be in agony. I really just wanted to disappear forever. I slowly walked home, watching each step I took so I didn’t further hurt my aching ankle. I got to within a block from my house and I carefully watched my steps because last week I stepped on a rock that hurt my ankle. Luckily, there were no rocks in my path. I was starting to feel dizzy again. All I thought was please don’t let me pass out as I walked up the stairs.

I made it and I still was feeling lousy emotionally. I still wanted to die. I had my dinner, which was cold but I didn’t care. I listened to music as I ate. My mother came into the kitchen and moved my bags that I had on the table. I finished my dinner and threw out the bags. It was really painful to stand, let alone walk. My mother had done laundry but there was no way I could navigate carrying the clothes while holding onto the railing. They would have to wait. I went to my room and carefully changed into my pajamas. I opened the box that I had, the few things I had ordered from Amazon.

I kept on feeling off. I was feeling dizzy and panicky. I took an Ativan and some pain meds to try and calm things down. I took my pulse because I felt like my heart was palpitating. It was a slow beat, which was odd. I measured it with my phone and it was 58. I don’t ever have a slow pulse. Maybe that is why I feel so dizzy. I tried to take my blood pressure but the batteries on my monitor need to be replaced and I don’t have the batteries. I’ll have to get them tomorrow. That would explain things. I don’t think I will take my night time dose of blood pressure pills. With all the fluid that I drank today, my pulse should not be 58, especially after going up the stairs. I’ll be calling my PCP tomorrow to let him know this. He might want to lower my BP meds or something.

Atypical migraines are so much fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders, physical pain

I didn’t have the best sleep. Woke up in pain, the same pain I’ve been having the last three days. I managed to go back to sleep for a few hours. Then I got up to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. Decided to make breakfast even though it was noon. It came out alright. I was debating making coffee but thought I would go back to sleep. My ankle was still being a fuck. Bearing weight just killed me as did any movement. It was close to 1230 by the time I finished breakfast. I decided to go to the Square to get a haircut, my Casi Cielo, and burgers for tonight and then pick up my prescriptions.

I was kind of early for the bus so had to wait. It was cold and sunny. I had to wear my Sox hat because the sun was in my eyes. The wind made it feel colder than it was. The bus came and I got to the Square. I went to my barber’s shop. He was available so I didn’t have to wait. I showed him a cut I wanted rather than the usual one i get. It looked really good. I like it.

I then went Starbucks and got two bags of my coffee. I wanted a cup of that coffee but they didn’t have it for the day. I was bummed. I had a mocha instead. I didn’t stay too long as the next bus was coming. I went to the butcher shop for burgers. I also looked at the cod. It was 12 bucks for a pound and a half. I got it. I really wanted fish. I walked back to the bus stop and waited.

Bus came and then I went to Walgreens. I thought they would have the invega that was out of stock yesterday but it didn’t come in today. They said it could be tomorrow and if not call them and they can shop around for where I can get it. I was bummed. I started to feel dizzy but it was manageable. I walked home. The package my friend in Canada sent me arrived. I got the mail and brought it all upstairs. My mother wasn’t home. She was down her sister’s. I put the stuff away and then brought my package upstairs. The dizziness got a little worse as I climbed the stairs.

I opened the box and it had a lot of things. Two mugs, a journal, a cute stuffed giraffe, and a Canadian towel. Chocolate too! I was so happy. It made my day.

My mother came home and I was getting a little hungry. Maybe that was why I was dizzy. I made us dinner and the dizziness got worse. I went up to my room and the big light hurt my eyes. Took me a little while to realize it was a migraine. I took my migraine meds. I feel better but am wicked tired, which is typical after a migraine. I wish I could sleep but I got to stay up for my grocery delivery. It is coming soon, I hope.

I made a list of things I need to do tomorrow. If I get 2 of the 4 done I’ll be happy. I am glad I figured out the dizzy spells were of migraine activity than something else. Hate it that I have atypical migraines. Here I was thinking it was a withdrawal of some med but I have been taking all my meds and have not been skipping doses. So weird. I am glad it is sorted out now. Now I know what to do the next time it happens.

Blog 2312018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blog 2312018

I’m not feeling creative in titles today so came up with a generic. I am still very tired as I did not sleep well last night so I slept most of the day today. I only got up to make something to eat and then foolishly made coffee that I thought would keep me awake but didn’t. I just took my night meds and will be going back to bed soon.

I had made a comment on a Boston page on how the governor wants to go after pharmaceutical companies in an effort to stem the opioid crisis. I cannot believe the ignorance surrounding chronic pain patients. Heroin and illicit Fentanyl are the leading causes of overdoses. I told them this and then said do you want more chronic pain suicides in this state? All I got was that doctors prescribe to their friends and family members who then distributes the medication to the streets. I didn’t respond to the stupidity of these statements. One guy then told me how Heroin was produce by Bayer (it was initially) and then morphine replaced it. Seriously? Morphine has been around since the late 1800s and that is NOT a street drug nor are people OD’g on it. Just pissed me off.

My book written by Anne Wheaton came today. It’s called Piggy and Pug. It is a very cute book about rescue animals. I want to send it to my friend in Canada that has three grandsons. I think they will like the book a lot.

I don’t have to buy a new French press. My lid is loose so I just need to hold it down while pouring. So now that Casi Cielo is back in the Starbucks stores, I will buy two bags. I love this coffee.

Last night, I closed my window and I am glad I did because it rained while I was up in the middle of the night and I could hear it off the window. It also helped the paranoia, some. I have been too tired to feel like people are watching me. I just want my pillow and that is all. So on that note, I will write more tomorrow. Ciao.

Not Done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Done

The Patriots played the AFC Championship game and won! Now they are off to Minnesota to play in the SuperBowl. I am not sure when that is as I am not a football person. I think it is 4 Feb but I could be wrong. It usually is played in Feb, as far back as I can recall.

My mother made a huge gravy. When I went downstairs and started making coffee, she asked if I could open seven cans of tomatoes. She has trouble with the can opener and I told her I will open the cans for her if she promises not to use the new can opener I bought. It’s not the best and she has done something to it so I need to get a new one. Maybe I will order a new one on Amazon, an electric one as ours broke and we haven’t replaced it yet. Neither of us goes shopping anymore, least not in stores. I do mine online and my mother orders from catalogs.

After the game, I wanted to go back to my room but my mother wanted me to see if the ribs were done. I checked one and it was soft. I checked another one to be sure and the damn thing went flying spraying me and the floor with gravy. I was not fucking happy. I cleaned up and decided to shower rather than go upstairs. I had gravy all over my clothes. I took a shower and my ankle went berserk. It’s still hurting.

I am kind of tired. Before the game, I went to Walgreens and then the bakery. I wanted to get some bread but they closed at 1300. I’ll have to get it tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. It was warm and I wore a Pats shirt that I swear is not breathable. I was sweating by the time I came home.

I’ve had the RAM I need for my laptop in my Amazon cart. It was supposed to be “in stock” Jan 26. Now it won’t be until the 30th. I might get the hard drive as it is close to the same price. Only thing is, I want to see if the RAM solves the memory issues first. I would also have to back up my documents and stuff on my laptop before I did any work with the hard drive. That shouldn’t take long as it is just copy and pasting. I just hope installing the drive is not as hard as I am imagining it. From looking at the manual, it seems easy enough but I’ve never done it before, least not with a newer laptop. I still need to get a connection wire for my old laptop so it will work again. I kind of miss it. I think next month I will have enough money to bring it to the shop to see what is wrong with it and then go from there. It might just be a dead screen and I don’t know because I’ve never messed with hardware before.

Anyways, once I have a bigger hard drive, I will be able to install some software that I want. I might have to buy the latest EndNote version. The last version I bought was X6. I think they have X11 out now or maybe later. It keeps track of my bibliography. It’s not a pressing software I need because I don’t write papers anymore, least not that often but it’s nice to have so that Word and it can communicate. It has a nice link feature where you can cite as you type and makes the bibliography for you. It was a godsend when I found it. I wish I had it when I was taking my archeology class. I needed to cite 20 articles and it was a pain doing it by hand, in the format that the professor required. EndNote does all of that for you. It’s a beautiful software.