Tag: chronic pain

ankle throbs yet the heart aches

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.

sad and busy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad day

My uncle passed away today. It was expected as he was slowly declining in health the past month or so. We thought there would be a chance he could breathe on his own after the machine was stopped but it was a very short time. I am glad he isn’t suffering anymore. I kind of feel like I did when my father passed away, nothing at all. I am sure next week will be tough, what ever the funeral arrangements will be.

I went grocery shopping for my mother and I, though it was more her stuff than I bought. After standing at the deli and getting what I needed, I just wanted to leave, except there was more stuff I had to get. I wasn’t familiar with the store so I kept having to walk around to find the aisle that I needed the stuff. Then I waited in line for like 20 minutes. A lady in front of me kept dividing her cart, some on the belt and then into another cart of things she didn’t want. I was so pissed. Then I found I couldn’t use my food stamps card because I didn’t know the pin number. I felt like a moron. I had three bags of stuff that I lugged up the stairs after my sister took me home. My back and ankle were killing me. I put the stuff away and then put dinner in the oven. I went upstairs to change to my PJs, carefully as anything rubbing against my foot hurt.

I sat on my bed and didn’t want to move anymore. But then my sister called for me and told me the news about my uncle. By that time, the pot pie in the oven was done so I fixed a plate for my mother and I. I told my mother there was no way I could do the dishes and that my sister would do them. She gave me a look and said there was only a few to do. I said I couldn’t stand anymore. So she did them.

My brother in law came up to fix the door for our washer/dryer area. I stood on my tippy toes to move a piece on the tracking mechanism and it fell behind the washer. I threw out my back. I am in so much pain. I wish I didn’t have to go out tomorrow but I need to see my psychiatrist as we got stuff to talk about.

clusterfuck of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Clusterfuck of a day

Yesterday I spent all day in bed as my foot and ankle were competing as to who was going to hurt me more. I did the bare minimum of things and barely ate. I basically just left my room to eat whatever and use the bathroom. My mother was mad that I didn’t do the dishes like I have all week since she was sick. My sister did them but my mother wanted me to do them. Tough shit. My sister texted me saying that my mother’s sugar was low last night. I couldn’t move as I was in too much pain.

Today my back was sore. I think I slept the wrong way or the change in temp (it went up to 40F degrees) killed me. I stayed in bed most of the day. I made my mother dinner and then she wanted me to do the dishes. Tough shit. I just took some advil for my back. If it calms down, I will do the few that are there.

My therapist texted me yesterday about my statement. I apparently over paid him and had a credit of $210, that was not counting the $135 I sent him. So he is going to cash the checks and then write me a check for that amount. I basically don’t have to pay him again till March or April, if I continue to see him.

My mother is still sick and tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think she will want anyone over the house. I have physical therapy tomorrow. I set my alarm as I haven’t been getting up early and I need a shower. I am going to tell the PT that I am giving her until the end of Jan to help me. So far nothing we have done has helped decrease my pain. I honestly don’t see the point in continuing when it isn’t doing anything. I hope I can see her tomorrow, provided my back isn’t flared like it is right now. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. I hate these flare ups. Sometimes they last a day and sometimes weeks. They generally go away on their own as I woke up with it. I didn’t do anything, least I don’t think I did, to set them off.

I got my medical insurance card. I need to call them to find out why it’s different than the one I had last year. Usually, if you want things kept the same, you don’t have to send them any paperwork. So I didn’t. Now it’s changed to a cheaper plan and I am not sure what that will mean. It’s still a PPO plan but I am not sure what it covers. I might have to go to the benefits office when I see my psych on Friday. Calling them isn’t going to get me anything but aggravated.

The pain clinic called today. I have an appt with them in February. Only thing is, it isn’t with an MD but a PhD, which can mean it is with a pain psychologist. I am not happy about this. The last time I saw a pain psychologist for a pain clinic, the MDs didn’t want anything to do with me and sent me off because this psychologist said that I would abuse or misuse my meds due to my sexual abuse history. Here it is 6 years later and I am on the same dose of meds and I am not abusing or misusing my meds, at all. I swear the system is rigged. I probably am going to have to have a few session with this guy before I see an MD for my pain. This just means I will suffer more while this goes on. I literally have to suffer another month before seeing this psychologist. Fuck. All because my PCP is a chicken shit. I just want to die it would be easier than going through this hassle. I don’t see a point in continuing.

trying to do chores with CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trying to do chores with CRPS

I somehow slept through the night, once I went to sleep around or after 0100. I woke up 1 minute before my med alarm went off. I quickly cleared it before it went off and took my meds. Today is the start of increasing the new med, Vimpat, twice a day. I am now at 100 mg/day. I was feeling okay, pain wise. I stayed in bed and I think went back to sleep. My sister texted me saying my mother didn’t want to go to the ER to get checked out. I told her to threaten to call an ambulance but she didn’t. My sis wanted the number for the visiting nurse. I told her I would text it to her, which forced me out of bed. I went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and then got the number for my sister. My mother was on the phone and she sounded horrible. Her voice is shot to hell. Her cough is worse and her breathing is heavy, more than usual. I really think she should see her doctor so she can get on an inhaler to help her breath better and maybe some antibiotics to prevent pneumonia. She has emphysema and I think the virus is making her breathing so much worse. I will be home and I hope my mother doesn’t cancel when the nurse calls tomorrow. I will be very upset. I told her it is important to have her come to check her lungs out because she could have walking pneumonia.

I then made breakfast, my go to, egg McMuffin. Then I made coffee and think that is what caused my ankle to go berserk. My mother wanted tea and because she is deaf, I had to keep walking back and forth from the kitchen to the living room multiple times. I asked her if she wanted me to make a sauce as there was none. She said there was some in the fridge. There wasn’t. I found a container in the freezer so took it out. She made a list of things she wanted at the grocery store. I went through the paper and found some things I wanted. I put the list on my phone so I knew what to get. I will go later this week when my food stamps money comes in. My mother wanted my brother in law to take me but I don’t have the money right now.

I went upstairs after finishing my coffee. My mother wanted me to water the plants so I did that before I went upstairs. My ankle didn’t like this extra effort. By the time I got to my room, it was hurting and my foot was telling me to fuck off. I took my pain meds. I wanted lentil soup so asked my brother in law to get some before he came home. He said the grocery store parking lot was full and couldn’t find a spot. I told him it was okay. I would get some later in the week. I haven’t had lentil soup in a long time. It was about noon and I had to make supper around 4ish for my mother. It was going to be difficult so I just rested. I read some of the baseball history book. I timed myself. After about 50 minutes, I couldn’t read anymore and I couldn’t finish the chapter. I stopped where there was a gap. I goofed off on social media, going between facebook and twitter. I decided that any facebook post older than 3 days I would “hide”. It helped to get more recent posts. Around 4 I went downstairs to make the spaghetti and heat up the sauce.

My mother was not feeling good at all. I wanted her to shower but she felt too weak. I told my sister and she understood. After we ate, I took down the garbage and recycling. I finally got rid of the Christmas ham that was in the fridge and a few other things that were there for god knows how long. I also emptied the bathroom trash. My ankle was getting upset again. I went upstairs and relaxed for a bit. I had to do the day’s dishes. I got the brilliant idea of showering and then doing the dishes. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Between my back and my ankle/foot, I was in rough shape. I was so mad at myself for thinking I could do all these things. I probably am not going to be able to do shit tomorrow. I have no idea if I will be able to sleep tonight. My pain is a 9 right now. I took my meds a little while ago and my right calf cramped up on me. I stretched it out by putting it on my bed and slightly leaning forward. I had trouble getting it off my bed. Then I decided to do the same to my left leg and last only a few seconds. My ankle was not having it.

I limped to bed and fixed my body pillow as it was bunching up near the headboard and trying to get on my nightstand. It is starting to annoy me so I am not sure how much longer it will stay on my bed. It is shaped like a U so one arm is dividing my bed into my sleep and office area. Problem is, I don’t have enough space like I used to and I feel kind of crowded.

So between making breakfast, coffee, watering the plants, making supper, emptying the trash and recycle, showering, and doing dishes, I am spent. I hope my mother feels better soon because I can’t continue to make supper and do dishes every night. I just can’t, it hurts too much. If I didn’t have chronic pain, it wouldn’t be a problem. But I am struggling just to make do to help my sick mother.