Tag: chronic pain

first Saturday blog of 2018, 6 Jan

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Freezing day

It is cold out, very cold. It is in the single digits. I woke up around 5 in pain. My foot was throbbing. I had to use the bathroom but couldn’t move. I guess I didn’t have to go bad as I went back to sleep. I woke up around 0830 and needed to go. I checked on my mother and was worried as she was sprawled out on her bed. She was having trouble getting up. I helped her up and then used the bathroom. My foot hated me. It felt like it was being crushed. My ankle was telling me to fuck off, too.

I managed to make coffee and breakfast. Just eggs and toast. I didn’t want anything more elaborate but then my breakfast is usually just eggs and toast anyway, unless I buy bacon. It’s been a while since I bought bacon. Maybe I will next week when it is slightly warmer out. After I finished eating, I checked on my mother if she wanted a cup of tea or anything. She didn’t so I went upstairs. I read Facebook for a bit and then Twitter. The orange buffoon was calling himself a genius for winning the presidency. Sometimes I swear he still thinks he is campaigning. Every other day he has something to say about Hilary and how “crooked” she is. Meanwhile 9 million children will have no healthcare, some schools can’t afford heat, and the poor become poorer but it’s totally “okay” that the rich become richer. Dumbass.

My pain just shot up in my foot. This isn’t good. Maybe I will watch Money Pit again. That movie is a good distraction. I would like to read a chapter or two on my baseball book. I haven’t touched it since Monday. I want to try and set a limit on my social media time. I am finding it hard though. It provides me with a needed distraction throughout the day. I got the radio playing as silence was driving me nuts.

Just heard on the radio that a woman in New York wanted a $1 scratch ticket but the cashier rang her up for a $10 one. Not wanting to make a fuss, she paid it and won $5 million. Lucky.

Don’t know what is more distressing. That I have severe suicidal thoughts at night and forget about them in the morning or having the thoughts themselves and not acting on them when I don’t want to live. It also is distressing the severity of realizing I had such thoughts. I don’t recall having severe pain last night so not sure why I was in such despair. I know I wanted to write about it but decided to sleep instead.

Pain has been high most of the day, in spurts of a few hours. Last night my cousin called me. I just hear his ringtone and it annoys me. It was 2130 and he wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I was tired. But to him he said that I was frustrated, irritated, etc. I told him, no. I wanted to go to bed. He then told me to call him today when I woke up. I told him I sometimes am up at 7 did he really want me to call him? He said no, around noon would do. I literally was on the phone with him for a minute and thirty seconds. Like what the fuck! Don’t be wasting my time having me call you just for you to tell me you go things to do and you got to work tomorrow. I don’t fucking care. If he calls tonight, I am letting it go to voicemail. Some days I don’t mind talking to him but lately, he just has been annoying as fuck. If he doesn’t get a hold of me, he calls my mother. Or he’ll call my mother to find out where I am, like why can’t he call me? Why does he have to bother her? I hate that!! He acts just like his mother, my mother’s sister, who I can’t stand.

First Blizzard of 2018, AKA “Bomb Cyclone”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

First Blizzard of 2018, AKA “Bomb Cyclone”

The snow was as predicted, around 15 inches in and around Massachusetts. My back porch has snow drifts that are up to about my neck. Snow is blocking the door. It will all turn to ice tomorrow as the temps are going to be like 12 degrees.

I have been turning my ceiling fan on and off most of the day because I was cold. Then the radiator would kick on and I would be hot again. Thankful I have heat as I am fortunate. During one of the off cycles of my ceiling fan, I heard a rattling of my blinds and movement among my drapes. There is a draft as my window isn’t insulated that much but it shouldn’t be rattling. I got up and pulled the blinds as sometimes when my window is unlocked, the top window sinks down. Sure enough, it was down by almost an inch. Crap. I couldn’t reach to put it up and lock the window so called my brother in law. I made way so he could get at it. Then decided to change the curtain rod my drapes were hanging from. One had bent and it was sagging. I didn’t want to hear a crash during the night when it finally gave way. I thought I would be able to put it up by myself. HA, I am funny. I could get one side up but not the other. I called my niece up to help me. She was able to do it in like 5 minutes.

The books that I had scattered around the window were on my bed. I figured I might organize them so they wouldn’t topple over. I thought of putting them in alphabetical order or by subject but after vacuuming the rug a little, I just wanted to get them off my bed as quickly as possible. I grouped likewise books together and then piled the shorter and thinner books on top I made three piles, hardcover, paperback, and my journals/notebooks. Least I will be able to find what I am looking for fairly quickly when I need it.

My mother is sick. She has some laryngitis thing going on. I hope I don’t get it. She was quick to point out that I should organize my whole room (because I 1) don’t have anything else to do and 2) I am “healthy”). We argued until I said I don’t want to hear it anymore. She says the same things when she gets into a mood and that I am “nothing” because I don’t do nothing, though she will deny saying this when you tell her how you feel. My ankle and back are killing me. I took a shower because I was full of dust and my feet were dirty. I had bought a shower mat and I love this thing. I should have bought one sooner. It is like a defatigue mat in the shower. I seriously do not have to worry about slipping, which is a good thing. I don’t think my mother has taken a shower in a few weeks though she washes up. I hope the mat helps her to be confident in the shower.

Protected: dark thoughts continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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drifting off yet staying awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Drifting off yet staying awake

Pain is really making me suicidal tonight and a crying mess. I had my Chinese food from a new place. It was really good except I didn’t like the peppers in the General Gau. It was spicy and the sauce was sweet and sour in good proportions. I really liked it. It made me less irritable. But after I came back to my room, I had a meltdown as the pain increased and the tears flowed. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I just gave up trying to hold them back. I wrote some things on FB, on my wall and in my support group. I talked with one member privately. She understood what was going on.

I honestly don’t know if I am going to survive that much longer. I need to probably make an appt with a pain doc and hope I don’t get some shmuck resident. I have no idea when I will be able to get an appt. I know it probably won’t be soon.

I am very tired of dealing with this and many things. It is just exhausting dealing with pain every night and not being able to come up with a combo that works. I took a high dose of gabapentin as the nerve pain has started. The side and top of my foot are on fire. Least with the physical pain, I knew with in an hour or two, the pain would subside. Not so much with nerve pain. I never know when it will subside. But least it helps me sleep some.

Hope tonight is not a game night where I take my foot out from under the blankets, wait for it to “cool” off and then put it back under the blanket night. I hate that game. I also hope the lying down and sit up game isn’t played tonight either. I do have to say that I have been sleeping slightly better with the new body pillow I got for my birthday. I really love it. My shoulder loves it too as I am not using it as a pillow as much.

Going to try this thing called sleep. Hope it works for me and I get a few hours, maybe more, that is if the orange toddler doesn’t press his bigly button and cause a catastrophe. Don’t know when his supervisors are going to take his phone away, or better yet, Twitter takes his account away. But that is a subject for another day. Night folks…