Tag: chronic pain

Terrible Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Terrible night

I just watched, via Twitter, the first presidential debate in my life and it was horrible. I am really afraid of what is going to happen when Trump is not president. I think a civil war might break out or something else. I am very scared of these times.

Pain has come back. My foot is throbbing and burning me. I can’t take another dose of pain meds for another half hour. I am really depressed. On Twitter there was other talk about suicide and talking out about it. It’s kind of bullshit because if you do talk about it on social media, you might get the police at your door the next day. I also found out through the State Police there was a jumper off the Tobin. He is alive and was taken to the hospital. I feel bad for him.

I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist. I guess she hasn’t read my blogs yet. It bothers me that she hasn’t read them. I don’t know why. They are old news now, sort of. I still can’t believe that she gave me a 4 week appointment. I might be gone by the next time I am supposed to see her.

There is so much I want to write about how I am feeling but I am scared someone is going to call the cops on me if I write it. I just feel so low and suicidal. I am tired of living with pain. I can’t go on with this bullshit anymore. Tomorrow I have to go up the hill to get the car. It’s going to be a hike. I don’t know if I will be able to do it but it’s too late now to cancel the reservation. My other car that I have been using isn’t available so I had to go up the street rather than down. I will be wearing my AFO so hopefully there won’t be any problems.

I am nervous about seeing my therapist tomorrow. I know we need to talk about my suicidal stuff but I really don’t want to because she doesn’t listen all the time. She tends to talk too much and then I just shut down. She does this every single time I get suicidal. Then I get mad and we fight. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to die. And I don’t get why she wants me to live. She keeps saying that she can’t imagine a world without me in it. She doesn’t understand how tiring it is to live when you don’t want to. I’m not saying it’s easy to give up because I have tried to kill myself many times and failed. I just want to try one more time and if it doesn’t work, then I will stop trying. If I should succeed, then so be it. It was meant to be.

This talk is what is going on in my head. I know that it will hurt many people in my life. I am not stupid about the pain suicide causes. But living while being in pain is worse. It tears you up like you won’t believe. And there is no relieving this pain, this psychache. There was a time where I kept track of it. I had a scale that I used. But my physical pain overshadows my emotional pain so it’s become useless to me. There are other assessments used for the treatment of suicide but my therapist is a fink and won’t use them. She just want to know the “one thing” that will make me less suicidal and that is all she gets from the forms. Drives me crazy.

Random 850

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Every night, I take my night time meds between 2000-2100. Sometimes I take them earlier if I am feeling really tired. It seems no matter what time I take them, I am still up till midnight or later. I don’t understand this as I am very tired but I can’t seem to fall asleep as my brain just keep going round and round.

I know I wrote two other blogs today. Some days, I feel up to writing up to three blogs. I don’t think I have ever written four blogs in one day, unless it was a quote or something. Part of the reason I am having trouble sleeping tonight is because there is a skunk smell in my room and it makes me sick. I have to wait for it to pass before I can lie down. It went away and then another skunk smelled up my room so I sprayed my cologne to help get rid of the smell this time. I hate nocturnal animals.

I was listening to some music as I had music running through my head, as usual. Luckily it’s going now, for the moment. Sometimes music doesn’t help wind me down, especially if it’s music I really like. But it helped me write a letter to my friend in Texas. We are going to be Pen pals now as she wants a break from Facebook. I don’t mind letter writing as I love doing it.

My back seems to be fine now that I am not doing anything strenuous. I hope it stays that way because I have to see my therapist Tuesday. I want to give her my cake that I made. It’s really good. I should have put in more pumpkin spice seasoning but the directions doesn’t call for it so I just eyeballed it. It wasn’t enough. I will know for next time.

I tried reading Dostoevsky. I read two chapters and then I had to stop as it was just endless babble. Then I tried reading a new book and that was a bore. I am marking that off my list of books to read. It’s terrible. I will try a different book tomorrow. Maybe I will read more of the “Dark Tide”. It’s kind of hard to read because it has disaster written before it happened and I hate books like that. But I am a stickler for reading a book through once I am into it. The other book I am not into it at all so bye-bye.

I hope the CBT people call me tomorrow. Something tells me that my suicidality is going to be the hold up. I will cringe if it is. Seems I can’t get any new therapist with my suicidal history, which is so damn sad and frustrating. Doesn’t matter though, because if it doesn’t work out, I will just try to kill myself and see if that works out. Screw the system. I know my therapist will be pissed as all hell but oh well. I can’t keep living in this pain that I am in. It’s too much.

Thursday I am hoping to go to the MFA and check out the Frida Kahlo exhibit. I will be wearing my AFO so I shouldn’t have too much trouble walking around, especially if my ankle decides to be a fart. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. But it depends on my pain levels and how I do going out to see my therapist. Sometimes, going out the 30 miles and coming back just takes so much out of me that I need a day or two to rest. I haven’t been so good on resting after doing an activity but I got to be better at it or I am just going to be in more pain. Like tomorrow is going to be a rest day because I did a lot on my feet today with making a cake.

Today marks the 5th month passing of my father. I guess that is why he was on my mind a lot last night. I still don’t know why his last few hours were so much more on my mind than at any other time during my life. I guess it’s because there aren’t that many happy memories that I have of my father. But I will save the bitterness of his actions for another day. He is gone and no longer a control asshole in it so I am free on some level.

Today in BPD chat, there was talk about Marsha Linehan and her DBT stuff, like “life worth living”, “radical acceptance”, and so forth. I respect Marsha because she lived through a lot and then worked to make it so people would live despite the pain they were in. And her treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder works to give people much needed hope. Now it is applied to other areas of mental health and it’s working. My therapist, when she found out about my date, had said to me that we don’t have a life worth living anymore. We never did, least I never did. Maybe she thinks, falsely, that there was something of that semblance in our relationship. I don’t know. I had given up the beginning of September and I still have clung to the notion that my life is over because I can’t see myself going on and on in pain. Soon it will be over in the next few weeks, unless I get into a CBT program and it works. Then my plan will be off the table, least for now.

I have never understood the “life worth living”. It’s a hard concept for me to take in. I understand it. I am not a complete idiot. But I can’t find value of it in my life because of the pain that I am in physically and emotionally. There was a quote that someone had posted and I wish I had take it down or favorited or something. It held some significance to what I was going through and now I can’t remember what it was. I’ll have to go through the transcript of the chat.

A few weeks ago I had sent my psychiatrist my explanations of dying. She wrote back something and I replied that if I should die, she wouldn’t be responsible or to be blamed for my death. I never got a response back. I hope she knows that I meant it.

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

After the ballgame and baking, I retreated to the confines of my room to relax my ankle who was bugging me. The two slices of cake that I had were my lunch and I wasn’t up for dinner. I participated in BPD Chat and it was a good chat. Then I got hungry and didn’t know what to make. So I finally decided baked beans and a hot dog would be okay. As I went downstairs to make my dinner, my mother saw what I was wearing. A hoodie because I was cold. She said to shut the kitchen windows. I said okay, thinking nothing of it. I got my stuff for my meal and went into the kitchen.

First thing I did was shut the windows and that was when trouble started. As I reached and stretched to get at the handles, my right hip didn’t like it at all. I closed the first window without too much difficulty but the second one caused me considerable amount of pain. I stood still for a while to let it pass, thinking nothing serious had happened. My mother had emptied the silverware from the strainer thingy so I decided to put them away. No straining or stretching but my back gave out on me. I couldn’t move an inch without severe pain. I yelled for my mother, but she is deaf. I didn’t know if I could let go of the counter to reach my cell to call her. I gingerly did so.

My mother came to the kitchen and I was paralyzed in pain. She helped me to a chair and I sat for a little bit. She helped open the baked beans and got a hot dog out. I also told her to take out some burgers so I can have them for tomorrow. Meanwhile I am in the chair and wondering how I am going to even eat dinner with my back killing me. I just sat there as there was nothing else I could do, least for the next few minutes. It was scary because I didn’t know how bad this was going to be. I really wanted to see my therapist Tuesday to give her some cake, but if my back was out, I couldn’t drive. I slowly moved and was able to get a pan for the water to cook the hot dog. I was being real gingerly moving as I didn’t want another spasm of pain. By the time I finished my meal, the pain abated but I was still sore.

The temps have dropped dramatically in the last 24 hours and will continue to drop into the night as they are calling for frost conditions. My back HATES temperature fluctuations of more than 10-20 degrees or more. It will just switch to being out and there is nothing I can do about it until the temp normalizes, which, in New England, can be days to weeks. All I need to do is something small and it will go out or do nothing at all and I am laid up. I must have closed those damn kitchen windows a million times and they have never caused me pain like they did today.

A Thursday Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Thursday Post

I went out to meet a friend of mine for coffee. We talked for a couple of hours at Starbucks just catching up and talking about the adventures we had when we were younger. It was fun and I had a really good time. Then the bus stop was out of order so we had to walk a couple blocks to the next bus stop. My ankle didn’t like that one bit. I am now resting it and after going to the bathroom for the second time today, decided to take a full dose of meds because I am hurting severely. Damn ankle.

Looks like I won’t be having therapy today. I might call her to have a check in. Pain is driving me nuts but the music in my head is worse. When I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I am going to ask her what I can do for it. I can’t go on with songs playing in my head all the time and shuffling. That is the worse part. Then when they stop playing, I am wondering where the music went. It’s frustrating me big time and I don’t need anymore frustration. I rather have commanding voices.

I made a tentative grocery list and it’s a whopping $160 so far. I don’t understand it. Most of it is baking stuff that I need for my pumpkin goodies. I bought like 3 of each item because I plan on making at least 3 things. Most of the other stuff are my stock items for the month, like cereal bars and bacon. Got to have BACON! I love making sandwiches with just bacon and cheese. I shouldn’t talk about food because I haven’t had anything to eat today other than a pumpkin muffin at Starbucks. I plan on getting a pastrami sandwich with fries. I am a fry addict. I suppose there are worse stuff to be addicted to. I just love food, which is why I am so overweight. But if you say the word “diet”, I immediately gain 5 pounds so might as well eat what I love.

I posted my sweaty Boston ball cap on Instagram last night. They were winning when I began wearing it. I have had this had for almost 10 years so it’s my lucky charm hat. It used to have a hand written AL East Champs 2007 on it but it wore off. Now you can barely make out 2007. It’s filthy but I don’t care. I love this hat and I hope it gets my team to the post season. We have won 7 in a row. But some jerk off spoiled it by saying “ they may never lose again”. So now I am nervous about tonight’s game. I hate when people say things like that because it always jinxes the team or person. Really bugs me.

I got a slow cooker recipe for Hawaiian chicken. I also bought stuff for that recipe. I am going to be a cooking machine next week. I plan on making the chicken first and then making my goodies over the weekend. It’s funny because on Facebook, my memory for today was the pumpkin cake. It was from three years ago.