Tag: chronic pain

No Spoons Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, sports, suicide attempt

Started the day with no spoons. I was up most of the night in pain. I woke up very fatigued so decided to take a shower. The shower exhausted me to no end. I just wanted to go back to bed but I so wanted a coffee at Starbucks. I timed the shower and the bus schedule correctly. By the time I was done with my shower and got dressed, the bus was approaching. I got to Starbucks and I didn’t think I was going to have a seat but a lady left just after I ordered my coffee and I swooped in to take her seat. I got the Panama coffee today and it was good. I waited patiently for so long that I got a free drink because the barista forgot my drink after the long line of people. I thought about getting another coffee but I didn’t want to be up all night again. I worked, or tried to, on this paper that is going to be the death of me. I am trying to write this comparison paper and one of the assessments that I am comparing is confusing the hell out of me. I might nix it because it is so complicated. I seriously doubt that this tool will ever be used clinically because of its complication and averages and factors! See, even you are confused as I am writing this…
After racking my brain for an hour, I decided to get some cheeseburgers at McDonalds. And to search for Twinkies. My search didn’t yield any. I hope that I can buy them at Stop and Shop before they sell out. I can’t believe a snack that has been around for more than fifty years is out of business. I still think it’s all because of bad management of funds rather than production. But then, what do I know about the economy? Ziltch!

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for the past hour because Voldemort made a reference to her and Snape. He posted a pic of her in the “Story of Us” and it was pretty funny. He called the post Haylor. I am still cracking up over it. I know he has been the center of my delusions but he is slowly fading, even with the text tweeting. I just find some of it hilarious. Course the text about robbing Twihards houses was a little hard for me but some will find it funny. I seriously thought of just robbing my sister’s house because she was going to the movies. Her cookies would be mine for me to take, hehehe and Halloween candy! LOL I think the vicoden is making me feel goofy right now. I’m still in mega pain but as I tell everyone, if my sense of humor goes, commit me because something serious is wrong with me.

OSU is tied right now. I couldn’t sit watching the game because my ankle pain flared up. I am glad because I would have been swearing at the TV. I have planted seeds to my sisters that I want an OSU and NE hoodies for Christmas. I hope I get them, but if not I will just have to get them myself! I had my cousin get me a Georgetown hoodie. Love it so much. I am a big college football fan. My interest stems from having to watch it every Sat for two and a half months while I was inpatient for depression. That was eighteen years ago. I did not want to make it to see my nineteenth birthday and was determined not to But my plans were foiled after I overdosed. That landed me in the hospital from the beginning of November to the middle of January. I never have spent the holidays in the hospital before. Not a pleasant experience, especially being on a psychiatric unit. But once my birthday had passed, things got easier. I wanted to live and go to college. I applied and got into a medical assisting program. Course today I wish I had decided to go to a university rather than a two year school, but live and learn I guess. I am still only 9 courses short of my bachelor’s degree.

Movie night canceled

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, psychosis

Let’s try this again…
I was supposed to go to the movies tonight but my bad ankle is flaring up so walking is next to impossible. I tried writing this before when my word doc crashed. I think it was because of my new endnote add-in. It’s a bibliography program that is essential for writing research papers.
I picked up my new glasses today and there is something wrong with them. I seem to be seeing out of a mirror on the bifocal part. I need to take them back when I can get my sister’s car. Sucks because they are a little ways from me. I am getting grief for going to a Walmart that is at least twenty miles away from me. But it’s easy to go on the route so I don’t see the problem. I wanted to go there because it is right off the highway and easy to get to. I know there are other places around here but Walmart had the cheapest price for my progressive glasses.

I also have been slowly updating my laptop with updates. So far I am down to 58. I just reformatted the hard drive so that is why I have so many updates. And of course with every update there is a restart. I can’t update them all at once because there is one that is causing problems. I have learned that with Vista you have to install the updates slow and incrementally in order to do it. Takes longer but least it that one that is new won’t crash the whole process. Save you time in the end, I guess.
I still am delusional. I had a text from Volde last night saying to rob people’s houses. I was torn. I knew it was wrong so I just distracted myself until the meds kicked in. It’s been two weeks and I am still crazy, well a week and half. This is not good. I hope that by the time I see my psychiatrist again, this will have passed. I don’t like being this way. And I think the meds are giving me the dyskinesthia again. Nothing like feeling wicked restless in your own skin. It’s a terrible feeling, this gnawing sensation, like every fiber of your being is getting out of control and you just feel so wound up but not hyper-like. It’s like internal agitation x 100. You feel like there is this constant need to move, like restless leg syndrome except it’s every limb and your arms start jerking wildly and then your legs. The only thing that calms it down is another med, which makes you sleepy.

I am so bummed that I can’t go out tonight. I was really looking forward to seeing the movie Lincoln. But if I can barely make it down the stairs, how am I supposed to walk to Boston Common, and they have a ton of stairs at the Boylston stop. It’s an old trolley station that doesn’t have elevators. It would kill me to go up and down the stairs, even with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic). It’s really depressing to have a walking impairment, which is why I am on disability, but still. I should be able to walk but I can’t. It just hurts too much.

Music is soothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

For the past week I have been delusional and psychotic for some reason. I have not really been stressed over anything in particular but lately I have been becoming paranoid on crowded buses. It has been difficult but I have found that I become calm and more focused if I am listening to music. Doesn’t really matter the artist, just as long as its music I am distracted from feeling paranoid and psychotic. Music tends to drown out the voices in my head. So I have been listening to music more. Also been buying more music from my favorite artists. Terri Clark just came out with a classics album of country music and it is pretty excellent. I am going to burn it to a CD so I can listen to it on my new boom box, that is Spanish. Thing was created in Mexico and actually came with Spanish instructions…no Englese anywhere.

Met with my psychiatrist today and discussed my condition. As usual she had no answers for me, just keep doing what I have been doing and see you in two weeks. I am a difficult case, what you would call a non-responder. I have yet to respond to an anti-depressant that works more than a year. So far the only thing that has prevented me from ending up back in the hospital is a little Cymbalta. Otherwise I think my mood would take a nosedive and I would not recover. Course if thing were the way they were 20 yrs ago, I might still be inpatient from my June admission.

Got to work on my paper today a little bit, though I found out my citation program is VERY old, like 6 versions old…I have to get an updated version that is going to be pricey because I am no longer a student and I can’t wait till summer when I am to write this paper. I figure if I work on it a little at a time I will be able to finish it by Christmas, provided my mood doesn’t suck more than it already does and I can actually walk to Starbucks to get the reading for it done. The other day my bag tripped me and so I think I sprained my good ankle. But it’s not hurting me as much as my damaged one so who knows. I just know that my right ankle is swollen and hurts if I stand on it. It sometimes gets stiff when I wake up but after rolling it around a little it usually takes the pain and stiffness away. I hate being in pain all the time with both ankles now but there is nothing I can do except take meds for pain. CES sucks!

death of a good man

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, medical

7-Feb-2011
Found out today that my godfather passed away due to a blood clot. It happened so sudden and his wife was real freaked out as he died right in front of her. She was in shock when I talked with her, not that I blame her. She is a good woman. She was more concerned with us than with herself.
After I talked with her, I watched the superbowl game. I guess it was to get my mind of losing my Godfather who I loved very much. I just talked with him around Thanksgiving. I feel really bad now that I didn’t get to see him around Christmas like I had hoped to. My godfather was a funny fellow. He would talk with such intelligence and seriousness and yet still get what you were saying. His mind wasn’t what it used to be. I would have to tell him who I was and what I was doing every time I called as he didn’t remember. Alzheimer’s is like that. It runs in my family on both sides so I know the chances are great that I may have the gene for it.
I called out for half this week. I am more depressed than I was and I just can’t function right now when I know I have a wake and funeral to go to. I want to be there for my godfather’s wife but my car is in the shop so there is no way of me getting there. She lives in Westwood, which isn’t close to Boston. I guess I will just have to see what to do. I’m just glad he didn’t suffer.

11-14-2012
Yesterday would have been my godfather’s 85th Birthday. I think of him every day and it’s hard this time of year because we used to get together on his birthday. It was really the only time I got to see him. I am sad that he is no longer with us but seeing as he was declining, I am glad he is in a better place.

I sprained my good ankle the other day. I am not happy about it because I feel more with this ankle than my left. Now I don’t know which one to limp on. I might have to wear the boot to stabilize it even though I know it will cause me more pain in other areas. I will have an AFO (ankle foot orthotic) on my left and a boot on my right. Just lovely, huh?