Tag: chronic physical pain

sucky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sucky mood

I slept through the night, finally but I woke up around 6 because my bladder needed to be relieved. I also took some pain meds as I was hurting. Doesn’t seem like this flare up is going to settle down anytime soon. I got up too late to take my blood pressure pills. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I still don’t. I am feeling very depressed.

The CRPS office called me back today. They said they need a clinical referral before they could set up an appointment. I emailed my psychiatrist and she was willing to send it but I think it’s too complicated for her. She kept on asking specific questions and I answered them but then didn’t get a response. I had emailed my PCP and the secretary emailed me back saying that the information was in my record. The doc just had to access it. I was like duh but they need a referral or they won’t see me. She is going to bring it up with my PCP and go from there. I am aggravated. No where on the CRPS specialist’s site does it list a clinical referral to see her. Just another obstacle. I don’t have the patience to deal with it.

I made a grilled cheese for lunch. Surprisingly, I didn’t burn it. It came out perfect. I filled my water bottle with iced tea. I am going to try and drink more today as I didn’t really do so yesterday. I am feeling really tired so I am going to nap after I write this. My mother is making chicken cutlets for supper, least I hope she is. Sometimes she changes her mind and makes a stir fry.

I reserved the car for tomorrow to go to my ex-therapist’s office to collect my things. I will have the car for a few hours just so I can ride around some. I want to go to Walmart and buy some pajama shorts and regular shorts so I don’t always wear jeans.

My ankle is just throbbing right now. I can’t stand it. I am going to stop here so I can rest. Talk to you guys later.

pistachios are yummy!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pistachios are yummy!

I got up around noon. I woke up a few times during the night because of pain. My pain was gone when I did wake up but soon as I started moving around, it came back. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my script. I had put in one request and there were three when I got there. I don’t know how that happened. I got some snacks and my meds and went home. My Achilles was killing me by the time I reach my door but settled down after I took off my sneakers. I think they were a little tight so I will loosen the laces next time I go out.

I filled my med box and got hungry so I made a burger. I have one left which I will make for dinner. I just made a cup of tea as I didn’t go to the store to get half and half. Walgreens doesn’t sell it. They sell other creamers but not half and half. I am going to try and resist going back to sleep. I don’t know if I will be successful. I am really tired. Chronic pain really exhausts you.

I am feeling pretty depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I feel so depleted. I hate feeling this way. I just feel like I am a lump on a log. I have no energy to do anything. I thought about cleaning the blades of my ceiling fan but I don’t really know where the wand is to do it. And I don’t feel like trying to find it. It will be another day.

My ankle is really hurting. I took some regular pain meds a little while ago. I hope this isn’t the start of the bullshit I went through last night. Last night was horrible. I was in so much pain and nothing was calming it down. Then around 0100, things finally did calm down after I had taken a bunch of stuff (not all together). I still need to shower but not sure it is going to happen. I just don’t have the energy for it. I just want to drink my tea and maybe read my book.

Sox are on a losing streak. I am so disappointed and sad. It’s still early in the season but it’s almost June and my hopes for this season are slowly diminishing. I rarely watch the games anymore. I just follow the news feed on Twitter. I don’t even comment on how bad they do because I am out of swear words to call them. There are only so many fucks you can say. Either the pitching is really bad or the offense is. When both are, holy lost game. They have the talent, I just think they don’t care or maybe they are trying too hard. I don’t know. But it’s painful to see.

so far down away from the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So far down away from the sun

I made myself lunch and now I am paying for it. My foot is flared up, again. I took my regular pain meds and if they don’t work by 1500, I will take the strong pain meds. I hate that doing something so simple causes me pain. It was bothering me before I started cooking but standing and doing it made it worse.

I ordered some stuff from Starbucks. I had bought some K-cups for the Keurig my sister has. I didn’t know at the time that it was out of commission. Now I have to return the cups. I did buy a water bottle. I fill it with iced tea and have been trying to drink more as I know I am dehydrated. I am hoping that it reminds me to drink. I dilute the tea with ice so it’s just more like flavored water than tea.

I finally finished Robert Lowell while having my coffee. Now I can get started on the book my friend gave me on Maya the bee or something like that. I will start it later tonight. I entered the Lowell book on my reading challenge. I have read 3 books of the 30 that I want to read for the year.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up several time during the night because of pain. I really couldn’t get much relief last night. And now with my foot acting up, I just don’t know if I will ever have relief. I put lidocaine on my ankle and foot, the prescription one, and it took forever to dry because it is so thick. It worked but I really don’t like using it. I think I will stick with the OTC brand.

I have decided that once I finish drinking the 24 ounces of tea, I am going to have some Oreos as I have been craving them. I had some last night but they weren’t enough to fill me up. I wanted to have almond milk with it but the carton was in the back of the fridge and it froze. Damn fridge. I have it thawing out. I hope it’s still good. I am out of half and half so will need to get some more. I am debating on either waiting till I can order my groceries or just go to the store and get it so I can have coffee tomorrow. I am so indecisive lately. I don’t know if it is the pain or the depression or both.

I want to take a shower but that is impossible. There is no way I can stand for 15 minutes or so with my foot acting all fucking crazy like it is. I fucking hate being in so much damn pain. I just want to complain to someone but I don’t even know who to talk to. I am so frustrated. This has gone on for a week now. Same fucking pain every single day and sometimes it spreads to my ankle, which just about kills me. I want to get bombed but I have no idea if that will help me or not. I just want to zone out and have some relief from my ailing foot/ankle. I am on very thin ice and I fear that soon that ice is going to crack and I am going to fall through.

intense pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Intense pain

I got up from bed after I shut the AC off to place my overflowing recycle bin in a trash bag. As I climbed back to bed, my ankle seized up like the Dickens. I saw stars. It was intense pain and I am still feeling it. I just want to die and I am doing all I can to not get up and take the bottle of pills to end my life.

I waited about fifteen minutes for it to quiet down. It didn’t so I took yet another strong pain pill. I am losing track of the consecutive days I am having to take this medication. I belong to a CRPS group on Facebook. They talk about Kratom, ketamine infusions, and the like. I have posted a few times but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares.

I keep telling myself one more week or two and then I will end it. I don’t know if I will. I want to end it right now but I can’t walk over to my bureau to get the meds needed to do the job. It will hurt too much. I could say fuck it and hobble over there anyways, but I really don’t want my family to find me in the morning. It’s better to go to my spot.

I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist and just cry over the phone with her. The pain is getting worse. The flares are nearly every day, sometimes with some movement and other times with no movement. I can’t go on like this, I just can’t. Pain is just killing me. I have tolerated as much as I can. I can’t even say what number on scale it is anymore because I am always in pain. My normal is now a 5 when it used to be a 3. I just want to cut off the limb. I have a crazy idea on how to do it, too.

I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I am so tired and my meds are making me sleepy but the pain is keeping me up. Pretty soon I will be over tired and then god knows when I will sleep. I will hit the hyperdrive button and all hell will break loose. Time will go by and before I know it, it will be 0300.

I took my dose of Neurontin later than I usually do. I am starting to need it every night like the strong pain pill. I will be 300 pounds by the end of the year if this keeps up. Neurontin is just a weight gainer and you don’t even have to eat more to gain weight. I know in the morning the pain will be less. It always will be. But I want it to be gone NOW. I am tired of existing. I have no purpose. Just a will to die and I will act on it soon enough. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one day soon.