Tag: coffee

New brace and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

New brace and other things

I didn’t have a horrible night sleeping but I had the hardest time getting up. I am glad my psych appointment tomorrow is in the late afternoon so I can stay in bed till noon or so. I still have to check the schedule to see what time to leave. I think I will take the 1 pm one as I want to write for a while. It was really cold today. My bones didn’t like it one bit.

I got a lace up brace that is similar to the one I was going to buy at Walgreens except that it is white instead of black. The stabilizer things come out too, which is nice. The guy put it too tight so by the time I came home, I had to take it off and there was a red mark on my foot. Hope it is gone tomorrow and is not too sore as I got to wear the thing. It does it job but my heel still hurts. I hope PT will help relieve that pain. Lacing up the brace in PT is going to be fun. I have a hard time lacing up my sneakers!

Getting home was a bitch and a half. There was a bus at 147 but there was no way I was going to be able to make it. The next one wasn’t until 313. I checked the next bus at the other location and it was at 247. I wasn’t going to stay at the station for a fricken an hour! I took another bus closer to my home and caught a different bus route home. I reached home before 247 after traveling through town. Such a fricken bitch having this new schedule. I hope it changes to every hour next time because it gives me more options. I was so mad.

I was so bloody cold when I came home. My room was cold. Then my feet became a block of ice so I put thermal socks on. I changed to a heavier shirt. I was just wearing a long sleeve T-shirt. The jacket I was wearing needs a lightweight shirt or I would have roasted. I wanted a nap but pain prevented that. I got hungry and made a French bread pizza. I didn’t like it. Seems the quality of it went down. No wonder the price did, too.

I plan on reading my Harry Potter book until my meds kick in and I go to sleep. My facial hair is weird. Instead of it being on my face, it is under my chin. I don’t get it.

My mother has every TV on full blast. I have the whisperer machine on to drown out the noise. I just can’t handle noise today for some reason. I don’t know if it is because I am tired or because I am in pain. I am not in horrible pain but it is just at the level to be annoying. My foot feels like it is being split in half again.

I found an old pen that I bought at least 15 years ago or more. It needed a refill as the cartridge that was in it was all dried up. The refills just came in. I think they came from Germany as it is a German pen. It is a ceramic rollerball pen. It is kind of heavy on the ink but it writes okay. I have it on my bed to use it for a bit. I am sure it will go to a hole in my room again to collect dust.

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

I woke up around 1300. I thought I took my morning meds when the alarm went off but I didn’t. I took them when I got up. I wasn’t hungover like I thought I would be as I woke up a few times during the night. I decided to do my hair and then shower. Well, it is all uneven in places. I am going to try and have my cousin fix it. Which means I need to call him and talk to him about bullshit things he talks about. Then be in his smoky apartment because he is a chain smoker. But I don’t have the money to see my barber until next week. Hopefully it will grow as I won’t touch it except for the sides and back where I have been shaving.

After I did that, I made something to eat and turned on the Pats game. They were leading already and had scored while I was showering (I had checked the score before going downstairs). I made the steaks, which were not that tender. I didn’t realize the A1 sauce I had was expired 10 years ago so it was not good. I had two cups of coffee and after I had my steaks, a piece of chocolate cake. The frosting was very thick so I just mostly had the cake with a little bit of frosting. It was so good.

I tried to figure out the bus schedule for tomorrow but I couldn’t retrieve the morning schedule on my phone. I only got the afternoon and only like 3 times in the afternoon. I had no idea what I was doing wrong and I couldn’t get the starting point from the station, which annoyed me. I just printed it out when I got to my room. I got to be up around 0830, well, least set the alarm for that time to wake me up and maybe have breakfast. I will be going another way so I hope to make breakfast of some kind. I hate morning appointments. I like afternoon as I don’t have to rush so much.

When I came back to my room, I did my meds for the week. Because the new pill is in blister packs, it was a bitch getting them out of the package. I don’t understand why my doc just didn’t write for x amount of pills and go from there. Such a pain. I guess it would be helpful if it was the right starter pack but it is the wrong one so what difference does it make?

I am hoping to go to the grocery store tomorrow to buy more iced coffee. I have maybe half a bottle left. I also need more half and half. Might see if I can find that steak that I bought that was so damn good. If not, maybe get some popcorn shrimp or a pot pie. Depends on my mood. Right now my foot is feeling like it is being split in half so it is anyone’s guess if I sleep tonight. I moved the body pillow so that I am not sleeping on my damn shoulder. My head is causing it considerable amount of pain.

I see my PCP tomorrow. I hope he can figure out what needs to be done with my right foot. I hate that my foot rolls while walking in the sneaker, causing my ankle to hurt where I had sprained it. I don’t want to go back to PT if I don’t have to. I just need something supportive and doesn’t aggravate my heel pain. I see my orthotic person Thursday so I hope he can come up with something. If not, I will end up getting something at Walgreens or CVS, whichever is cheaper.

Feeling horrible and slept all day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling horrible and slept all day

I woke up around med time. My alarm went off at 8 instead of 9. Something is wrong with the app because it is not going off continuously to annoy me to get up. Just has the little sound and then nothing for the next 15 minutes or so. I don’t know what to do and am afraid of uninstall/reinstall thing. I would hate to input all my meds again. There are really just three that need alarms the rest are just as needed, when I need to keep track of when I last took them. I need to get in touch with the developer and see if they have an advice.

I took my meds and then used the bathroom but forgot to brush my teeth. I was kind of in a weird state where I really had no idea what I was doing there. I went back to bed, thinking I would sleep for a few hours and then I would get up to eat and make cookies. Did not happen. I woke up around 2pm after a weird dream about the Obamas and the White House. I don’t remember more than that. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I made some graham cracker cereal and found we were out of milk. That meant no cookies. I texted my sister to pick some up on her way home. My mother called to keep me in the kitchen until my niece came home so I could let her in the house.

I had coffee but it didn’t help. I went back to my room and succumbed to the sleepies. I thought I would sleep a couple hours but I slept until my night med time. Fuck. I wanted to order some steak tips but I think laying down so soon after eating the cereal messed up my stomach. Looks like the cereal is the only thing I am going to eat today. I feel horrible that I slept all day again today. Seems that on days I don’t have anything to do, like go to an appointment or something, I sleep. Granted the day after I have therapy, I am tired because I am usually up all night, but this time I wasn’t. I slept through most of the night at a decent hour. I just can’t force myself to stay up. I just feel like sleeping is better, but I am wondering how much of it has to do with depression and how much has to do with not sleeping and being in pain. I sent an email to my psych that the CRPS has spread to my whole foot. I am not happy about it. If you compare my left and right, the left is more swollen than the right and there is some redness at the arch. I hate this! I thought it was just because of the flare I had Monday but now doesn’t seem to be the case as my foot is still sensitive.

I am not liking all this sleeping. I don’t want to get in the habit of sleeping all day because I have the risk of being up all night and that is a bad thing for triggering my bipolar. I already had a few being up 15+ hours. I haven’t made it to 24 and I hope I never do. Closest I have ever come is 22 straight hours. I hate feeling terrible and after I had used the bathroom and went back to my room, and nearly fell because I almost lost my balance taking my slippers off, my foot then exploded in pain. Now I am not sure I am going to sleep again and I am pissed I woke up. Just let me fall into the death nap.

I have been worried about my eating, or lack thereof. I just did some calculation to figure out how many I need just to maintain my weight. But the problem lies with being male or female. If I am a male, it is over 1700. If I am a female it is 1600. I am a male but I am transgender and currently still in a female body so I am all fucking confused. I feel like I should go with the male because fuck, I am a male but yet in my medical records I am female. Fuck. I just am so fucking confused about this shit. I know it is a technical thing, and we are just talking 100 calories. That could be a protein bar, give or take. I know I have not been eating anything close to 1000 calories the last few weeks. Yet I haven’t lost that much weight. I maybe lost 1 pound or so in a week. And I have lost 8 pounds when I wasn’t eating anything, just a thing of ramen noodles for the day. The website I was at said that fasting like I have been aka not eating, can lead to gallstones. Great. Always wanted those, NOT. It is because I am breaking down muscle instead of fat. So I am losing muscle instead of fat. Lovely. I keep telling my doctors this but do they fucking listen?? No. do they order tests to see if my vitamins are okay and shit like that? No. so I could be malnourished and they don’t care about it. I hate taking vitamins and they aren’t cheap. I might take one here and there. But after a while, the gummy gets hard because the bottle was opened and air made them dry. I like gummies better than pills. But I am not going to buy a shit load of vitamins. I had the B vitamins that were sublingual. Those were good but then I stopped because I forgot to take them, and because they were under the tongue, you couldn’t put them in a med box. Plus they had red coloring that came off so if they stayed on your hand or some place, the red wore off. I hated this. I have no idea where I put them. I know I had a bottle on my bureau as I had two. But no idea where they are now. I wish there was a medical person I could talk to about this, someone that fucking cared about this shit and didn’t pass me off because they didn’t have a clue. I don’t even know who to see. Then I think of the trouble to figure it out and I don’t want to do anything. Add in the depression and nothing gets done about it. Fun. So I want to lose weight but no clue how to do it and yet I am barely eating because my appetite is fucked up. Just hope for my birthday, I have my pizza. Hope I eat more than one slice.

5 days before my birthday, good grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

5 days before birthday, good grief

I had a list of goals today. I wanted to brush my teeth, make breakfast/lunch, shave and shower, and then bake. I got up around 11. I brushed my teeth. Then I made the steaks I bought yesterday. That was breakfast and lunch. I had two cups of coffee. Then my mother needed some help doing some stuff. So I helped her out. I then shaved. Trouble was, the trimmer died after like three swipes on where I was shaving so I had to then switch to my razor which took longer than I expected. I usually charge my trimmer before I use it but I forgot and thought it had enough juice to do the job. It is an old trimmer so I think the battery is going. I charged it as I was shaving. I then did my head. For some reason, my head isn’t as smooth as it was before. I don’t know why this is. My sides are but the back of my head is kind of rough even though there is no hair. I then showered. I did okay as I only had to sit once or twice. But my foot was hurting. I was getting really tired. I dried off and then talked to my mother. She asked why I was tired and I said I didn’t sleep again. My soft blanket last night was on the crook of my ankle and as I moved it, it felt like it was cutting into in. I barely touched it as I showed my mother where the blanket was. That was all it needed to set it off. Fucker. I couldn’t deal. I took some gaba, only a small dose, and my pain med as my foot was hurting, like it was being crushed. I played with my phone some and then I crashed.

I woke up a little while ago. I was expecting my mother to call me for dinner but I guess she made her own, and I was to do the same. I don’t care. I am not that hungry any way. . I have been wanting a graham cracker cereal for a while. I think that might be my dinner. I shaved my mustache last night and now my upper lip is bothering me and I don’t know why. Maybe it is growing back in.

I took my night meds at 7. I have decided to take them early rather than later because I tend to sleep earlier than later, if pain isn’t a factor. I used to take them early but I stopped because of the pain med. It was like I was taking my night meds at one time, pain med an hour later, and gabapentin at an hour later. That combo seemed to work good for a while. Then I decided to take every thing an hour later and just take the gaba when needed. It is so hard to keep track of the pain when I flare though. That is when no combo works. I am so tired. I hope I can sleep at a decent hour. I really wanted to make these fucking cookies today but after the shaving and shower, I knew there was no way I was going to bake. I needed a nap. I got to listen to my body when I need rest because it’s rare that I have these opportunities to nap. Usually, I go to my room with the intention to nap, and I end up playing with my phone or decide to read a book and then the nap impulse fades or I get more tired, which is not good. Then I become overtired and I am up all night.