Tag: coffee

Book gone live and other Monday things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Book gone live and other Monday things

I have no idea how many hours of sleep I got. I had a rough night plagued with suicidal thoughts, deep depression, physical and emotional pain, and restlessness. I know it was probably dawn when I fell asleep and then my alarm went off. I was so rushed because I had about a half hour to get ready before the bus came. I forgot to take my morning meds. I ended up taking the Trileptal when I got home from therapy.

I didn’t have that much funds so it was just a reward drink I got. I wasn’t hungry and I forgot to bring a pop tart with me in my haste. Wed I hope to have more time as I don’t have to leave early as I won’t be going to Starbucks. I will just have coffee at home before leaving. Therapy went okay. We talked about how my bladder is stubborn, my losing weight from loss of appetite, and editing my second book and then re-publishing it. OMG what a fucking hassle that was. Createspace joined Kindle so they are the same right now. And the stupid thing format was worse than Createspace. I couldn’t add a blurb about the author. I had to redo the thing to get the damn back cover blurb changed. Then I forgot to order a proof, which I am so mad at. I had hit click too fast. Amazon at least gave you the option before the final click! Then I check the website and my book is discounted by $15! WTF. I couldn’t believe it. And only 1 is in stock, which is bullshit because they print them as they are ordered.

On the way home from therapy, I went to the grocery store to use the last of my food stamps for some steak and coffee. I really like the iced coffee. No mess, just pour and serve. Easy. My mother is sick. I have no idea where she got it from as she has been home the last few days, unless she got it from her sister, I don’t know. I just hope I don’t get it. I made myself a steak and cheese sandwich and then what my mother wanted for dinner. I then went upstairs and rested and all hell broke loose. My foot yelled at me and my back was crying. I wanted another sandwich, though. I waited for the pain meds to kick in and when they did, I went downstairs. I gave my mother some cough drops and then made the sandwich. I didn’t use as much pepper this time. I feel a little better now that I have some decent food in me. I have enough steak for 2 more sandwiches. My mother doesn’t like steak so it is all mine!

I got to order more copies of the new edit next week when I get paid. My friend in Canada wants one and I think I am going to recycle the ones I have. I will just order about 6 copies as they aren’t flying off the shelves anyway. I don’t think I have posted to Facebook yet. I got to check my page. Sometimes I post things twice because I forget I posted. Or I think I posted but it was really on Twitter.

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

I had a big flare up Wed after I came home from therapy. My foot pain was really bad. I swear the pain was on a scale of infinity. I was taking my meds but it didn’t seem to work. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until my mother got up around 7 or so am. I slept all day with her calling me at least twice to “find out where I was”. Yesterday I was in a horrible mood. I came down in the morning and my mother was just being sarcastic. I didn’t even talk to her. I just used the bathroom and then went back to my bed. I stayed there all day. I thought today I would be able go to Starbucks and read but I was much to exhausted. That flare took a lot out of me. I barely had anything to eat. I am not hungry. I thought about ordering food but I really didn’t want to go all the way downstairs to get it.

My mood still sucks, though it should be good seeing as the dufus in office is getting close to being arrested or something. It will come out soon enough. I just hope we aren’t in a war by then.

I miss baseball. It was the one dependable distraction I could count on to help me deal with the pain. Now I got nothing. Facebook has a new thing about ads. OMG. I used to just have two taps to get rid of them, now I hide them, and I have to answer why I don’t like them before I can make them go away forever (for that particular ad). I am getting so sick of Facebook. Twitter just has nothing of interest. For every one dog or cat post, there are at least five about gun control and the NRA. I followed one doc and now she retweets everything. I get it is important but I don’t want to see the damn tweets every single day around the clock!! Fuck! I really don’t know what I want my social media to be about anymore. It isn’t entertaining like it used to be.

I don’t know, maybe it is me. My interest in things are low. I really wanted to finish the book NeverWhere and though I am half way done, I am still not close to finishing it. I tried this week but the damn pain flare threw me out of whack. I tried to read it tonight but my brain just couldn’t focus. Happens when I sleep all day for a couple of days. I end up in this stupor and don’t really know what day it is. I am still in pain but it is not as bad as it was before. Even typing this on my laptop, I am finding the letters to be a challenge. I guess I am just not with it.

My mother put my cake in the fridge. I don’t think it is supposed to be so it is probably hard as a rock. I’ll probably have to dump it and I am pissed about it. Fucking bitch thinks everything goes in the fridge or can be frozen forever. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with her the last few days because I was sleeping. She was really getting on my nerves. Someone in my support group mentioned finding a roommate and renting a place, but don’t tell my family. How the hell am I supposed to move out without them knowing?? Some people just don’t think before they let their ideas out. I hope me being up this late doesn’t cause me to be sleeping all day again. I got to get my pain meds tomorrow and I want a steak and cheese for supper. I took out burgers for lunch. I got to eat something more than cookies. I had coffee today but it didn’t help me stay awake. Maybe I should have some more now, LOL. I am drowsy but every time I lay down, my brain goes into a million things. I can’t shut it off. Drives me nuts. Pain is not helping because it is giving me anxiety, which just fuels the brain fire of thoughts. I am going to try one more time and if I can’t sleep, I am reading the Neil Gaiman book. I don’t know what else to do.

A day of reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A day of reading

I wanted to finish Camino Island by John Grisham today and I did it. I had problems with my Kindle since last week as they did an update and they messed up my SD card, well, not really. The update made it so the Kindle didn’t recognize the SD card so my books were just not there. They fix it but when I tried to open the book yesterday for distraction due to pain, it said that I had to remove it and then download it again. I had no idea how to do that but it brought me to the store page. I already bought the damn book so I didn’t want to buy it again. I was so frustrated, I read a non-technological book. I read Trail of Tears for about three chapters. So today I was determined to read and finish Camino Island so I didn’t have to deal with the Kindle anymore! Least for a while.

I finished it and because I couldn’t put it down, I took my night meds late. It just kept me interested. John Grisham will do that. He hypes up the book in the last few chapters. I can’t wait to read is new book, the Reckoning. He says it is different than his other books. Well, hell, Camino Island was different too! No lawyers and their real cases that involve espionage and crap like the Firm. I really loved this book. But I have four other books I have started reading and would like to finish them by the end of the year. November is half way gone and I have finished just one book. I lowered my challenge to 22 books to read this year as last year I read 20 I think. I just tried to find my challenge from last year but couldn’t. It did say I read 14 books last year so I am tied. I want to read a few more. I don’t know if I will be able to read 22 but I will try. I didn’t think I was going to be alive so I held off on reading. I really wanted to give up. But my psychiatrist didn’t allow that to happen and got my pain meds changed so that I wouldn’t give up. I am not at a dose I like but my pain is better than it was. I wish it was lower than it is right now but fuck. Until the fucking stupid CDC guidelines are removed, no pain patient can be treated humanely. I get my pain meds increased, I am above the 90 milligrams morphine equivalent and that means paperwork for the doc, who doesn’t want to do that bullshit. In a way I don’t blame him but come on, fight back. It is the only way to help patients and prevent suicide. But that is just my opinion.

I did not stay on the regimen of fluid restriction today. I had two cups of coffee and I am still kind of going. I got a shit load of energy and my mind is like going in a million directions. I feel so much better than I have in the last three fricken weeks. Maybe my salt level is back up. But that will mean my Trileptal will be decreased so this doesn’t happen again. My psychiatrist who I emailed at like 2 am with my worries (thank you painsomnia for keeping me up till 330 am!) said that she and my pcp will discuss what to do. But I think I will be lowering my mood stabilizer that I have been on for 10+ years. I hope my mood doesn’t go like a roller coaster because that just sucks. I was in and out of hospitals every 6 months. I had to. My depression was awful and my hypomania crashed me so hard. I literally wanted to die so damn bad, like worst than any pain episode I ever had. I made attempts, nothing harmful but was I remember overdosing to get rid of the pain, the psychache was unbearable. If I have to deal with that AND the physical pain, I think it will kill me. I don’t think I can bear it. Psychache is awful. The worst pain imaginable. Not even morphine can touch it. Hell, if the pain meds I was taking at the time didn’t help lower it, I doubt what I am taking now will. It is on another level. I don’t ever want to feel that shit again. Just thinking about it makes me want to die so fucking bad. There is no other med for me to try for a mood stabilizer. I tried them all. Only this one worked for me. I HATE that it is messing me up physiologically that my meds have to be played with and I will probably have to have regular blood work to monitor my sodium levels. I hate getting stuck but it is what it is, I guess.

Only thing that sucks about today is that I didn’t eat any protein, just carbs. I couldn’t help it. I was in a fuck it mood and didn’t care how much I drank or what I ate. I have some burgers in the fridge I could eat. But I would have to go downstairs and today has not been a good stair day. Better than yesterday in that my legs don’t feel weak but the up and down movement hurts my foot/ankle. And the top of my foot right now is so damn sensitive that I know the slipper is going to be painful. I kind of just want to sleep but sort of know I won’t be able to unless I eat something. I ate carbs but it was small amounts. A table talk pie, then an hour later 5 cookies. Then I tried some soup that was disgusting and only had some bread with it. Had to throw the soup away. Then a small serving of pasta with one small meatball. That has been it. My food diary for today. I drank least a half a bottle of soda and a cup of tea. Probably 40 oz of fluid, 7 oz (210 mL) more than I should have. I didn’t pee buckets today.

I cannot remember if I took 600 mg of gaba when I got settled in bed. I hate when I can’t remember if I took meds or not. I really need to have like a PRN week med box or something. My throat has been sore off and on. I hope it is because of voice changes. Throat drops have been helping it. Also have been helping the nasal congestion, which could also be causing the throat irritation. My sister said she didn’t notice any change in my voice when we talked this morning, the first time in a while. She has just been so busy with stuff. I really missed our talks. I hardly talk to my middle sister and when I do it is always with her complaining about her job or her kids. That hurts me when she talks about her kids because I know they can be a pain in the ass and I know they are adults now but sorry, you raised them because you never cared for them. You expected things from them that they didn’t learn from you or anyone else and they should have.

The one thing that I really liked about Camino Island is that the author gave some tips about writing. I will try and use them if I ever go back to writing that story I want to write. Maybe when the pain is better and this fatigue is gone and my concentration is better. I have the time. I just need to go to Starbucks and try and write. Sounds easy but it is hard. I also think I need to face the wall of the store rather than the windows because it is so damn easy to people watch and as well as see the cars go by. I get distracted by watching the cars parallel park. It is funny how many times a person will go back and forth, pull out, back in and still not get it right. I see this every time and it is my distraction from writing! I write my blog in my room but it is when I can have the brain power after a long day and can form sentences without sounding like a 2 year old.

I wish I could have more days like I did today, with energy and brain concentration to finish a book because I had the time. I usually have the time but not the energy and brain concentration because of pain and a bad night of sleeping. I had 5.5 hours with 1200 mg of Neurontin. I have no idea how this day came about. I am grateful for it as it is rare. I probably should have made my cranberry cake but I think I will Tuesday. It will be in memory of my therapist friend that gave me the recipe and who died in Sept.

Sunday Blog 11 11 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 11 Nov 2018

To the Veterans, Thank You for serving and your sacrifice!

Today is my Godmother’s birthday. I sent scheduled messages to my cousins, her caretakers, at 11:11 am. I was up till 0430 as my pain was really bad. Started at 8 PM and just continued throughout the night and early morning. I pretty much slept all day. It was kind of hurting me when I woke up and stood up to use the bathroom but wasn’t really bad. I decided to take a shower after I brushed my teeth. I had to go back upstairs as I forgot PJs. I was damn near finished when the pain got worse. I got a pop tart from the back porch and cookies. My mother wanted me to bring some bleach to the kitchen so I did that as well. I made my coffee and ate what I brought out. I love the Starbucks iced coffee I bought. I sent a message to PeaPod asking them why their price was higher than the store price. It is ridiculous that I have to pay fifty cents more for it so it could be delivered.

Last night I was going through my pics as I wanted a pic of my Godmother and I to post on FB. While doing so, I found some pics of some baking photos of a cake I was making. I remembered I got the recipe from my friend that recently passed away. I plan on getting some cranberries so I can make the dish. Oh shit, I actually can’t make it as I need the baking dish that my barber has. I will text him tomorrow so I can get the dish Tuesday. Buses are running regular schedule tomorrow. I have my appointment with my therapist so will leave at 1030 am so I can try and write a bit before leaving for his office. I haven’t been too successful catching the 1137 bus so maybe an earlier bus might do it.

It’s cold in my room so I checked the temp. It is 40 degrees F. Barometric pressure is 30.23, which is up from last night of 29.98. No wonder I am in pain. I know there is a storm on its way. Something is going to hit Tuesday. Weather is going to be bad and we might get snow, but I think they said it would be up in the mountains. We’ll see. I have been trying to keep track of the barometric pressure but it has been difficult. I have a page in my notebook for it but I sometimes forget to write it down. I am a bad record keeper.