Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

don’t call me daughter 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Don’t call me daughter 4

My family had dinner at my house. We had lasagna that my mother made. It was going good. Then after dinner we just sat around chatting. That when someone said something about my haircut and my mother shrieked and said I was hideous. She couldn’t stand to look at me. And she kept calling me a her. That triggered my suicidal tendencies.

I felt like coming out as most of the family was around. I knew I would have the support of my sisters. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I would just leave and never come back. I would have grabbed my lethal bottle of pills along with my other pills so I don’t throw them up and make it to my suicide spot to have it over and done with.

I still am feeling hurt hours later. I felt like talking to my sister but I know she would just say that I should just “let it go”. How can I when you own mother tells you to your face you are hideous because of your military haircut? I get no support from her at all. This just seals the icing on the cake.

I so badly wanted to correct my sister and mother when they were calling me “she” and “her”. I felt so hurt. The pain was so indescribable that I could feel it and not feel it at the same time. I was just shocked because she said it in front of my sisters, my brother in law, and my nephew. I don’t remember if my little niece was there or not. My mother actually shivered in disgust as she talked about how hideous I looked with my haircut.

I love my haircut and I think I will continue to get this cut every time I go to the barber, if I don’t end up killing myself within the next week or so. I have never felt so ashamed to be my mother’s child as I did last night. I am her first born and to be treated this way, just kills me inside.

My physical pain has taken on it’s life on its own. I have had severe pain the last three days. It starts in my foot and then travels to my ankle. I am getting more and more reliant on my strong pain pill, which is just causing havoc with my bowels. And when you have a nerve injury, things don’t move the way they should anyway. Constipation makes it worse. I have been having to push so much that at times I feel like I am going to pass out. It fucking sucks. It’s only putting more nails in my coffin.

If the weather wasn’t supposed to be so shitty today, I would attempt to end my life. I had emailed my psychiatrist that I wished I was never born. I also posted it on social media and I got the typical “you shouldn’t say that”. Why the fuck not?? It’s my fucking life. You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know the hell my mother is putting me through. Would it be better if I just died by suicide?? I think it would be. I am tired of living anyway. I have nothing worth living for. I am disabled and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can no longer work or even go to school, mostly because I don’t make the money to go. It’s hard to come up with or save $1200 for one college class on disability. It makes me sad that my dream of just even getting my bachelor’s degree is stuck. Looking back, I should have gone to UMB to get my degree rather than an Associate’s. But what is done is done.

Sunday Blog 29

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 29

My mother woke me up as she needed help opening some cans of tomatoes for the sauce she was going to make. I opened one can and it splatted on me. Later I learned that it also splattered on the ceiling, which my mother was not happy about. I just laughed because our ceiling is pretty high so it must have been a very high splat! I tried getting it off with a long pole my mother had but couldn’t get the right amount of effort to take it off as it had dried. I’m hoping my brother in law can take it off.

I made coffee and had some meatballs that my mother made. I also had some chicken breast deli meat and cheese that I bought yesterday as I drank my coffee. I didn’t realize that the deli guy had given me a half pound of meat. I don’t think I am going to eat all that. I had wanted just a quarter of a pound. It’s good so I will try and eat a little every day until it’s gone.

I came upstairs with the rest of my coffee and pondered on what to do. I felt like reading but didn’t know what. I decided to read the book about Maya the bee that my friend had given me. It’s a cute little story. I read three chapters. I will read more later.

My mother is making lasagna for supper. She must have used like 8 cans of tomatoes for the sauce so she needs to use it up. She put a lot of meat in it. There are meatballs, sausages, and pork ribs. I don’t know if there are other types. Those are the ones that I saw on the counter yesterday.

I bought new music over the past few days. I just bought individual songs rather than albums. One song, “wanna be your song” has been in my head all day so now I have it on repeat. There is just something about it that makes me want to listen to it again and again.

A friend in Canada sent me a private message on Facebook. We have been friends for some time now and she is going through a difficult period right now as her EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) has resurfaced and is making her quite ill. She needed someone to talk to so she called me through Facebook. We talked for a couple hours until she felt sleepy. She is just feeling really depressed because her illness is making her feel like crap and she is sleepy all the time as well as dizzy. She asked me about how does therapy work and I explained it as best I could. I think she would benefit from CBT and told her so. I hope she looks into it and finds a therapist.

Sox lost. They ended their six game win streak, their longest of the season. Porcello (pitcher) got no run support, at all. Can’t win games without scoring.

tired from doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired from doing nothing

I have no plans for the day other than resting my ankles as I did too much yesterday. I was in a lot of pain last night and felt really hopeless. I turned to a friend that I thought would be supportive as she also suffers from chronic pain and mental illness. Instead, she hurt my feelings by telling me to “stop it”. It’s like she didn’t want to hear that I was struggling. I said I was sorry to bother her and good night. This lead to a bunch of text messages saying to talk to her. After the third text, I texted back. I didn’t tell her she hurt my feelings. I am not going to talk to her today and I know next time I feel hopeless, not to call on her. It’s not worth being basically told to shut up about how you feel.

I got up this morning and my pain levels were down. I felt a little better but still feeling hopeless and defeated. I emailed my psychiatrist about my mood. I was going to go back to bed but decided to make coffee. My mother wasn’t feeling well so didn’t go down to my Aunt’s house. It was still raining when I went downstairs and very cold. I made my coffee and chatted lightly with my mother. She noticed my haircut and gave me the look of disappointment. I loved it. She always has something to say about my haircuts being short and this one is really shorter than I usually get it. I told her I would make lunch. I asked her if she wanted ribs and she said ok. My mouth was watering. I couldn’t wait to make lunch.

It was finally time to make lunch and my mother liked the ribs, though she said they were “spicy”. I told her they weren’t bad for $6 compare to the higher quality ribs of $17. After lunch we had some cheesecake. I felt really full. I told my mother I would make hot dogs for supper. She asked why I was making food for her as it wasn’t a special occasion. I told her my pain levels were down, even though I felt dog tired. I really like having hot dogs for dinner. I bought rolls for them so I am happy about that.

After lunch, I went up to my room and it was like a freight train hit me. I was so damn tired I needed a nap. But I still haven’t slept. I just can’t get comfortable and my brain won’t shut off. It keeps going around and around thinking of stuff to do but not wanting to do it. My pain came back a little while ago so I took my pain meds for the first time today, just my regular pain meds as the pain isn’t too severe.

I guess I am still recovering from yesterday as I am so tired today. I really don’t want to do anything but read Facebook and Twitter, which hasn’t been good. Most of the stories on Twitter have been about trump or the guy in Montana that body slammed a reporter. I still can’t believe he got elected but I blame trump because he called the media “an enemy of the people” so his supporters believe that shit. It makes me so mad because if a Dem did the same thing the repubs are doing, they would be treated much differently. It’s sick and twisted. So I have turned to Facebook. I had posted that I was having a hard time and if people could show me their pet pics that would be good. My friends complied. I was happy for a little while. Then a dear friend sent me cat videos and I got engaged in that for a bit. They are funny characters. I love cats.

With all this rain we are having, it has flared up my lower back. It hasn’t been incapacitating, thank god, but I am sore. I know we need the rain and I can’t wait for it to stop so my back will be okay again. I need to change my sheets and I can’t do it with my sore back. It will only aggravate it more. Next week is supposed to be better weather and warmer.

My Achilles is feeling much better today, even though it’s still swollen. I don’t care as long as it’s not hurting. It’s the worst type of pain. I am just glad ibuprofen took care of it last night. I was going out of my tree last night with pain. I was up till after midnight talking with my non-supportive friend. We were talking about random shit. She wants me to see the chief of podiatry at one of the small local hospitals. I don’t think a podiatrist will help me. I have a friend that works at the hospital and she is going to give me the name of an Achilles specialist there, which is what I need. I know that if they just get rid of the damn lump, my pain will decrease. I think it’s because it rubs against the tendon and that is what is causing me pain.

Tomorrow I am going to start typing the high school paper that I wrote. It will probably take me all day because I am not a fast typer when it comes to reading the paper and typing it up. I am going to try and see if WordPress will allow me to change the font to comic sans. I think it will be cool to have an old paper in that font. I just hope I don’t have to pay for that feature. If not, Times new Roman it is, or whatever font WordPress publishes.

a rainy but good day despite pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A rainy but good day despite pain

I almost slept through my grocery delivery because they were early by 15 minutes. I put the things away but by the time I was done I was exhausted and missed the bus to the Square. I wish I had just hurried to catch it as the idiotic mothers with huge strollers were on the next bus. I can’t stand them because they each take up two seats in the front, which is dedicated to disabled persons and elderly. Just pisses me off because if there are people sitting there, they ask them to move, which I think is very rude.

I got to the Square and got my haircut. I really like it because other than the top, I have no hair! The barber did an awesome job. I then went to Starbucks for something to eat and to work on my blog project that I am procrastinating on. While talking to my niece about it, I realized it’s because it takes me a while to digest the information I read because I am not familiar with the concepts. If it was cut and dry, it might be easier but it’s not. I wrote up the two chapters I read and was going to read the next chapter but I just couldn’t. I had started journaling when I realized I had to go to my PCP’s office to get my prescription. I had forgot about it. I didn’t want to go out tomorrow because the weather is supposed to be just as crappy. I just want a day to do nothing.

I got to another Square after the PCP to meet my niece for dinner at the Indian restaurant. She wanted to walk, in the rain, to the place. I knew where it was sorta. I still think Harvard was closer but whatever. We walked and my Achilles cried. The food was excellent and I met the manager or owner and he gave us a free dessert. It was some kind of fried dough that was really sweet and rice pudding, which was also sweet but not as sweet as the dough. I had a little of each as I was full off the Masala. I will definitely be going back there!

While I was waiting for my niece, there was a Sprint store and I went there to check out the phone I wanted to get. Turns out it was a lower grade than even the model that I have now and so I won’t be getting it even though it’s cheaper than the new Galaxy S7. My contract expires Saturday. Next month I think I will decide to change plans and upgrade. I am going to try and lower my bill first as I am not in a contract anymore. If it doesn’t work out, I will get a new phone, which will still lower my bill. I will go through the store though so I can get my apps transferred to the new phone.

My niece called one of the taxi services so we didn’t have to take public transportation home. I couldn’t walk to the station as I was beat. The driver dropped me off at Walgreens so I could get my prescription filled. I rested my ankles while waiting for it to be filled. When it was ready, I went to look for wipes as my mother had told me they had them for a $1. I found the rack near the clearance rack and found two composition books for less than $2. Score. I have a composition notebook fetish or something. I just love these notebooks for some reason. I have plenty of them, but like my pens, I always want more!