Tag: depression

PCP, More Pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP more pain and other things

I had about 2 hours sleep last night. I woke up to see my PCP. The bus was running late. I got to the Square around 0700, which left me an hour for the appt. I had reloaded my Starbuck card with the cash I was saving for take out. I need my espresso more than pizza. One the way to the Square, I ordered my drink and a donut. I didn’t feel like eating a breakfast sandwich as I wasn’t that hungry. I got 6 shots of espresso to keep me awake. I was really drowsy.

The doc was late. Guess his kids didn’t want to go to school. I don’t blame them. We talked and I told him why I was there. He then examined my ankle. It didn’t hurt too bad as it was still in the early part of the morning. He was reluctant to send me to OT, occupational therapy, but did refer me to physical therapy. I am not sure if I am going to go that route or not. The last time I tried it, it hurt me more than helped me. He gave me the PT prescription and I left.

I was too tired by that point to form sentences. I just wanted to get home and sleep. My mother was home and it took me a while to lay down. When I did, holy moly, my ankle and foot hurt worse than it ever did. I was seeing stars. I was clenching my jaw so much, my teeth were hurting. I emailed my psych about this. Then I emailed my PCP the same message. Some how I managed about 2 hours of sleep. It was tough because I basically couldn’t touch my ankle and neither could the sheet. It got really cold despite it being warm in my room so I put on a thermal sock. I tried sleeping on my back with my head reclined but that was a no go. I had to sleep on my side. After taking both pain meds and an Ativan, I was starting to settle down. I kept on imagining other things to distract myself while the meds went to work. It was hard because I got so panicky. I knew my mother was going to call me so I blocked her. I then fell asleep.

While I slept, she called twice. She made some pasta so I had some. I really wanted my Salisbury steak dinner so I made that. It was the only things I had all day. I drank two big glasses of iced tea. I’ll probably have to keep going to the bathroom now.

That’s all I have for today. Think I am going to try and sleep some more.

Random 911 Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 911 post

Remembering all those that perished this day 16 years ago and the military that died fighting over the past 16 years. Their lives were not lost in vain. Never forget that dreadful day.

I went to therapy today. I didn’t talk much as there was nothing I felt like talking about. I thought he would bring up the text I sent him about my suicidal plan but he didn’t. I knew he wouldn’t. He spent most of the time picking his nails, even during the time I was silent. Think I’m just going to refer him as Nail Picker from now on.

I forgot to put some pain meds in my pocket pill box so I went without them again. I am paying the price for it now. My ankle is really hurting. On the safe side, I am using my cane around the house. I’m supposed to start the lower dose of Invega but I will wait till tomorrow.

It’s warm today so I had the AC running when I finished my dinner. My mother made stir fry chicken. It was good. Now I’m cold so I shut it off. I had it running before going to sleep, which was not a good idea as the temp dropped below 60 degrees. I woke up around 0330 freezing my ass off. Then I woke up 3 hours later due to my med alarm going off. I really didn’t want to get up at 1 but I was low on Starbucks cash so couldn’t get something to eat there. I had just enough for my espresso, which was more important. I had a bowl of cereal. I then got dressed as the time changed for the bus.

All day Facebook and Twitter were offering remembrances of the events that occurred on this day. It was sad. And then you had a few jerks that talked about it all being a conspiracy. No asshole 2 planes went into the Twin Towers, 1 went into a cornfield in Pennsylvania and another went into the Pentagon. By terrorists!! Makes me so mad that people come up with other ideas. If this had happened during Trump’s admin, I might buy it as a whole bunch of government lies are being told daily, chiefly by him. But Bush? I don’t think so.

I listened to Pearl Jam most of the time I was out, least until my Bluetooth headset lost power as I forgot to charge it. After therapy, I just wore a wired headset. You really get used to a wireless headset and don’t realize what a pain it is to use a wired set.

I have an early morning appointment with my PCP tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I need his input about my ankle giving out on me. I also want a referral to occupational health to see if they can help get me a brace of some sort around the house so I don’t have to use a cane or hang on to the walls for support. It happens randomly and I’ve noticed it happens more when my ankle is fatigued. It feels really tired and just doesn’t want to operate anymore. Then I am hit with intense pain so bad that I can’t bear weight on it. I will be very upset if he doesn’t do anything about it and tells me to wait until next month for the new neuro appt. I’ll lose it on him or on someone. If I could wear my AFO around the house, I would but my sense of sensing where my foot is is not that great and even worse when I wear the thing. I really don’t want to fall down my stairs.

I have a feeling, I am not going to get much sleep tonight because I am in a lot of pain right now. I still need to take my night meds. Standing up is going to be fun. Maybe I should take a strong pain pill now so it doesn’t get worse. But that is no guarantee it will work the way I hope it will. If there was another time available for my PCP I would have taken it because I am not a morning person. I’ll be lucky if I get at least 3 or 4 hours sleep. What really sucks is because the appt is so early, my pain is going to be low and my ankle should be functioning the way it should be. That is the frustrating part of this damn condition, CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It never acts up at doctor appts. But if I am sleep deprived, the ankle might not act the way it should. I guess if I had confidence in my doc, I wouldn’t be worried. This will only be the 4th or 5th time seeing him since we met last December. He is very cautious and likes to think on things a little too much, in my opinion. I still haven’t figured out if this is a good or bad thing. It is annoying as you are just waiting for him to come up with some kind of plan or treatment. Maybe I shouldn’t have coffee so I can be grumpy, LOL

Sunday Blog 10 Sept 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 10 September 2017

I was up till at least 0330. That was the last time I looked at the clock, least until my med alarm went off. I was in a lot of pain. My foot was on fire so I took it out from under the blankets and I have no idea what I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I was hurting so bad. I had to take a strong pain pill and then I started getting anxiety from the pain so I took some Ativan.

My mother called me around 1500 to see where I was and what I wanted for dinner. She asked why I was sleeping and I said because of pain. She then asked if I had pain medication to take. Really?? Just because I do, doesn’t mean it works right away or that it takes the pain away 100%. I was too tired to argue with her so just let her talk. It just angered me that after all this time, she still doesn’t get it.

I took a shower and decided to wear my American Association of Suicidology shirt that I got. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I posted a pic of me wearing it on my social media. I look like a girl. My stupid breasts are huge and my smile is dorky. I hate taking pictures of myself.

My bad foot slipped in the shower a few times and then while I was walking to go back to my room, it gave out on me. I didn’t bring my cane down because it wasn’t bothering me. I did the best I could going up the stairs. I then did my meds for the week and took another strong pain pill. I tried putting on the brace that I have but when I put a little pressure on the top of my foot to secure the Velcro, that set off more pain. I am so tired I just want to go back to sleep but I know that if I do, I won’t sleep through the night.

I have been thinking about the people down in Florida who are being flooded by Irma. Miami is nothing but water. I hope no one drowns or gets killed. The sheriffs have issued warnings not to shoot at Irma. I swear the Floridians are just gun happy people that will shoot at anything or anybody.

I’m going to try and stay up till 8 pm. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am really tired now. I feel really hungover and I hate that feeling. Tomorrow I am going to try and call the court and find out what method of payment they take to get my name change and which courthouse to go to as there are two buildings. I really want to be able to change my name at the end of the month. I am excited and scared of doing this. I know when I do, there will be no turning back but keep moving forward.

I want to have a cup of coffee but it’s after 1800 and if I do have one, it might keep me up all night. I have therapy tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to. I haven’t seen him in two weeks because last Monday was a holiday. Maybe I will make a cup of tea…

Chronic Pain Patients and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Chronic Pain Patients and Suicide

I was reading my tweets on Twitter. One of the chronic pain people that I follow retweeted something from a pain doctor. It was about suicides and the CDC guidelines that want to cut opioid prescriptions or limited them to only certain doctors. The article was badly editing as there were plenty of typos and I did not like the use of the word “committed” for every suicide he listed. It is sad and I know that more suicides are going to happen as the government tries to control doctors due to basically peer pressure. They have no idea what kind of havoc they are doing to those suffering from chronic pain and lead good lives because their pain is controlled.

Most of you all know I suffer from chronic pain and suicidal thoughts. My only saving grace at times is that I know after taking my meds, even though it takes a while to work, my pain will go away and be better in the morning. My suicidal thoughts will also be better when I wake up. If I no longer have my meds, I am as good as dead. There will be no point in living. I can see what all those people mentioned in the article go through. They died within weeks of being either taken off their meds or having them reduced. Some docs just stopped prescribing out of fear of losing their medical license. Some pain clinics closed their doors, leaving the patients to find other docs to just turn them down and having no where to go. This isn’t right. Taking away pain meds from patients who are not addicted and have adequate control is doing harm and causing deaths by suicide. Here is the article if you want to read it: https://medium.com/@ThomasKlineMD/here-is-a-list-of-suicides-as-of-9-9-17-caused-by-governmental-recommendations-to-educe-opioid-903c460abbc

Sometimes I think I need to end my life before my meds are taken away from me. I don’t know if my state will pressure docs to reduce their opioid prescribing privileges or number of scripts they write a year. I’m not on a lot of pain meds and I don’t abuse what I take. I take my meds in the manner they are prescribed to the letter. The sad thing is, even though my pain is somewhat managed, I still am disabled because I can’t walk that far or stand for any length of time. Just waiting for the bus or standing on the train is enough to cause me wicked bad pain at night. I remember what my pain was like when I was working. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night and then would only have a few hours to start my next shift. It would be a really long day and then half way through my shift, I would start feeling excruciating pain that would sometimes land me in the ED. It was terrible. I know now that I will never be able to work again because my pain is just becoming unpredictable and too severe. There are some nights where all I can think about is ending my life because the pain is so severe I don’t think it’s ever going to go away or lessen. I am lucky, in a sense, that I can’t walk to where I want to die in these moments. Hell, sometimes I can’t even go to the bathroom.

Living with chronic pain is terrible and if people without a medical degree continue to dictate what a person with a medical degree does with their patients, the suicide rate is going to go up. There is no way it can go down, even with the best suicide prevention out there. There will be no stopping someone from taking their life because of untreated chronic pain. I am not talking about psychache, but I know those with chronic pain also have that too and can contribute to their suicidal thinking. I also know that if a chronic pain patient starts thinking about suicide, they should be referred to a mental health counselor or treatment center. Their pain meds should not be reduced or played with because of suicide risk. I know in my situation I was fortunate to have doctors that knew me well enough and knew that I would get help should my depression or suicidal thoughts got worse. Some patients don’t have that luxury. Always take suicidal thinking seriously. If that person owns a firearm, ask to hold it for them until their suicidal crisis is over. Make sure they get the mental health help they need. Also makes sure their pain is being properly treated or it’s not going to matter if they get that mental health help or not.

If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text START to 741741, if in the US. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to other countries hotlines but they are available. I know Austrailia has a bunch and the UK has Samaritans 116 123 is their number off the top of my head. You matter and are important and enough, always!