Tag: depression

Saturday Blog 9 Sept 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 September 2017

I slept like a log. I woke up around 1130 or so. I was really sleepy so I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I thought about making coffee but didn’t feel like making it just then. I figure I’d make it later. I went back to my room, turn on the AC, took some pain meds, and went back to sleep.

I woke up about 2 hours later. My ankle must have been hurting because I was dreaming about it and getting lidocaine that I could inject into the area. My ankle was sort of hurting when I woke up but settled down after I got up. I decided to have some turkey breast and then some rice with broccoli and cheese.

While I was having the rice, my second youngest niece came up to give me money for babysitting my youngest niece. We are going to eat pizza and watch a movie. It should be fun.

pdoc, pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pdoc, pain, and other things

I woke up early despite going to bed late. My text alert for the bus I take was going off so thought it was my alarm. My psych sent me an email about the time I woke up to reschedule our appt to an earlier time. That was fine with me. I took a shower and then tried to go back to sleep but I got hungry. I left to catch the bus for the Square so I could eat at Starbucks. I knew it was going to be a long day but I can rest the weekend.

I picked up my scripts at my PCP’s office and then went to my psych’s building. When the time for our appt approached, my ankle bone started hurting and then my toe bones did too. Fuck. I didn’t have medication on me to take because I forgot to refill my pill pack. While I met with my doc, my ankle really hurt and I almost let out a yell while she was looking at my labs. I told her the Invega was causing weight gain. She said I needed fasting blood work and she lowered my dose. Hopefully that helps and I don’t hear the bad voices again. I have been doing well with this med. But I don’t want to weigh 300 pounds either. I have been careful with eating but my appetite sometimes get the better of me. I have a sweet tooth but I am not eating candy all the time or sweets. Mostly it’s regular food but in large quantities. I don’t feel full until my stomach hurts.

We also discussed my ankle pain. She wanted me to see my PCP but he didn’t have any openings until Tuesday. She wants me to bring up the blood work up with him, in case he decides to order anything. I hate getting my blood drawn because I am hard stick. I am going to requested a referral to occupational health to see if they can provide some brace I can walk around the house in to keep my ankle stable. It doesn’t like to be flexed when it goes out and then becomes so painful, I can bear weight on it, making walking really difficult. I can’t use the AFO in the house because I have too many stairs. If my proprioception (sense of sensing, basically) wasn’t off, I don’t think it would be a problem. I just don’t want to fall down the stairs because I couldn’t sense where my foot is and with the AFO, it’s harder to sense where it is. I did buy an ankle support off Amazon that will be coming with today’s mail. It’s a short term fix and I have no idea if it will help but it’s worth a shot.

My fricken ankle is hurting so bad right now, it’s not funny. It’s throbbing and stabbing me. Half my foot and ankle hurts. If I could cut it off, I would. As I was leaving the hospital, I saw a guy with a prosthetic ankle and I was so envious. I know amputation has its own pain but it can’t be worse than what I am going through. I wish I could say this was my “normal” pain but it’s not. It’s bone pain and it’s getting more and more frequent. I don’t like the way this condition is progressing. I have started taking 1000 mg of vitamin C to see if that can help with the pain. I’ve been on it a week now and there has been no change. I am going to give it a month and see if it helps. I am trying to get on top of the pain but it keeps fucking changing and I can’t keep up. Like I wrote the other night, it’s not like I can say okay at this time, I am going to feel this so I should take this med now. Doesn’t work that way and by the time you feel the pain, you are stuck with it for more than hour because that is how long it takes the pills to fucking work. But then the physical pain changes to nerve pain so you need to take another med for that. It’s a never ending game you play. I am sick of it. I want off the rollercoaster, permanently! I hope my PCP can help me or I’ll tell him to fuck off. But the appt is at 0800 so my pain levels are going to be low. Just shoot me now.

feeling a day off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling a day off

Because I had a rough night sleeping, I woke feeling disoriented. Despite my phone being near me, I missed a phone call this morning from my PCP’s office. I’m glad they left a detailed message so I didn’t have to call to find out what they wanted. My scripts are ready so I’ll pick it up tomorrow before my psych appointment. I thought today was Friday when I woke up but when I checked my phone, it was Thursday. Totally disorienting. I woke up feeling stuffy. Allergies are bad today. I need to use my Flonase to clear up the congestion.

I felt like going out as my pain was minimal. I checked the new schedule and there was a bus at 1145 I could catch. I washed up and brushed my teeth. I grabbed some cookies to bring with me and left to walk to the bus stop. My phone was at 50% but I figured I could charge it at Starbucks. I ordered my drink and something to eat when I got close to Starbucks. I really like the mobile order. I felt like getting a snickers latte today so I created it. I then saved it in my favorites so I can order it when I am in the mood.

I didn’t stay long as the portable charger I had was dead. I couldn’t charge my phone. It was good I left when I did because an estimator was at the door but my mother didn’t hear the doorbell. We need to redo the porches as the wood is rotting. I stayed with him while he was talking to my mother so I knew what was going on and my mother could hear him and understand. He said he would call with an estimate.

Last night my laptop screen went berserk on me. It’s glitchiness is getting worse. I think I am going to get a new laptop. I was pricing what I need/want from Dell. Whatever model I chose, it still was around $600, the most expensive was the software for Office 2016. I am going to try and see if I can get a better price online. Maybe Amazon has it a little lower price or something.

I’m feeling really tired as I was up late. I wrote a blog while I was up in pain. Someone I don’t know on Twitter tweeted me and we talked for a while until sleep entered our brains. She said she would tweet me in the afternoon but I haven’t heard from her yet. I was full of despair last night as I was so fed up being in pain for the 4th day in a row. I have no idea what I wrote in the blog as I didn’t type it on my laptop. I just used the WordPress app. I was feeling so miserable so god only knows what I wrote.

I asked what my mother wanted for dinner and she wanted me to cook pasta. Normally, I wouldn’t mind but I was thinking of a turkey roll up so I’m having that and she is going to make herself pasta. I need to use up the turkey breast I bought. I bought a pound because I was going through smaller amounts. But I am the only that eats it. My mother doesn’t like it for whatever reason. She never really likes what I buy.

Am I weak?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

I called UNCLE. I was slowly drifting off to la la land and then the unknown entity in the form of a knife started stabbing the middle of my foot. I am filled with such despair right now, I’m beside myself.

I just want to die but I can’t leave my room because I can’t bear weight on my damn foot. I’ve been trying to distract most of the night but I am angry. Angry the meds work on certain pains I get in my foot and ankle, angry my PCP doesn’t meet with me frequently enough to see what I am going through, angry that I am forced to use mobility aids around the house to try and lessen my pain. Angry that my friends in real life don’t get what I am going through. My sister came up to visit and she wanted me to go downstairs to see her. I told her I was in too much pain. There was silence. I felt like I could hear her thoughts saying yeah right, like I would stay in my room to avoid her. 

The past few days have been awful pain wise. I’ve been trying my best to stay on top of it but it’s hard when the pain keeps changing and now it is affecting my bones. I get severe bone pain in my foot and ankle, specifically, the malleolus and metatarsals. But only half of my foot and ankle hurt. The last three toes going up to my ankle and outer foot/ankle hurt really bad. It is draining me. I can’t tolerate the pain. I want to die.

I’ve been thinking about my therapist that I’ve been seeing the last few months. I’m going to be straight with him and see if he is willing to help me or just play with his nails. I need encouragement if I’m to continue living. I haven’t gotten that from him at all. I miss my ex-therapist. She always provided encouragement and support. 

I see my psychiatrist Friday. She has been on vacation the past few weeks, but I’ve been emailing her about what has been happening in her absence. I’ve come up with a suicidal plan. I think I emailed it to her, I’m not sure. If I did, She didn’t respond. Im sure we’ll talk about it when i see her. If my therapist doesn’t want to help me with my problems, I’m going to stop seeing him. I mean, what would be the point? Ramble for 45 minutes every week with no feedback or analysis of what I am talking about? I’ll have better luck talking to a wall.

Chronic pain has got to settle down. It is killing me and will kill me. Even though I’m on pain meds, and they do work, however my pain is so intense and unpredictable that I never know when I need to take a pill to control it. I can’t say, ok at 7 pm the pain is going to be this so I’ll take this pill at 6 pm so I’m not hurting. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe in a perfect world.

I’ve been fighting sleep since 2130. Every time I get relaxed enough to drift off, my pain increases or I feel like my foot is on fire. Then I need to take another med to calm the flames. Trouble is, this med takes hours to work so in the meantime, I’m hurting and going berserk with pain.

Why is it when I talk about killing myself, people just don’t want me to die? I understand but if I was an animal, I would have been euthanized by now. Why can’t humans be euthanized? I know in certain countries you can be via assisted suicide. But I don’t have the money needed to fly there and pay for services just to die in a foreign land. I am so sad I no longer can work or walk anymore. Being in pain sucks. I do have the suicide disease. My dream come true. Now I just need a concrete plan to go ahead with it.