Tag: depression

Post 2000

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Finally Tired

I am pretty tired after all the things I did today. I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist and if I don’t hear from her tomorrow, then I guess we are good and we will talk on Friday when I see her. I texted my therapist all the pics of the cake. It came out really sweet so I think next time I am going to use less caramel sauce. The cake was really soupy from the milk/caramel concoction but it was really good. My therapist and her sweet tooth are going to have a field day.

Nebraska won their game in the final quarter. It was sweet! Indiana made an interception and the game was over. It was great. They won 27-22. Right now OSU is losing 10-3. It’s a late game so I am not sure I am going to be up the whole game. I am really tired.

I didn’t realize when you buy a CD (the physical disc), Amazon gives it to you digitally as well. That is so sweet because it saves me from having to transfer to my laptop to my phone. I hate doing that because the tracks usually need to be modified in some form and this album that I bought has two discs so it’s like 22 songs. A lot of editing. But I don’t have to do that because Amazon is downloading it to my phone as we speak so I don’t have to.

I haven’t taken any pain meds since I woke this afternoon. I hope that I don’t have a night of pain like I did last night. Last night wasn’t horrible as nights in the past, but it brought out the suicidality intolerance that I have to the brink. I also told my psychiatrist in the email I sent her, that if it wasn’t for a family member finding me, I would have tried something by now. I find it odd that she hasn’t responded.

I had to wear a long sleeve shirt tonight. It’s cold in my room and I usually have the ceiling fan going. Not tonight. It’s almost 45 degrees out and my mother doesn’t have the heat on. I wanted to take a shower but my damn brother in law still hasn’t fixed the heater in the bathroom yet. He is supposed to fix it this weekend. I am not holding my breath.

At least several of my friends and news reporters have said that “red sox nation” has to root for the Cubs. Bullshit. Not this Sox fan. I am against their manager John Maddon so he can go fuck himself. I am sorry to say that to a team of talented players who probably deserve a win but their skipper doesn’t. I can’t stand him, even when he played with the Rays. I think he is a cheat, though I can’t prove it.

OSU just took the lead! I will be so happy if they are able to keep it. It’s now the 4th quarter. Maybe I will stay up a little longer.

Baking Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Baking Saturday

I had an awful night of sleeping and before I finally passed out, I emailed my psychiatrist. I basically told her I was finished, washed up and that I had picked out a date. I also told her not to expect me at some future appointment. I then explained how my pain had gotten to the point where I was taking two pain medications and winging it on my own as my PCP’s office didn’t care. I was expecting a phone call in the morning, which I never got. I don’t know if she reads her emails on Saturdays.

When I finally woke up, it was really early afternoon. I felt better and had a little energy. I made breakfast and coffee. It was close to the Nebraska football game time by the time I finished my coffee so I decided to bake. The picture is the finished product of my cake. I can’t wait to taste it. It is cooling off now. It has to refrigerate for at least two hours. Luckily, I found space in my fridge for it.

I also made dinner for my mother and I. It was just a pre-made chicken pot pie that needed to be heated up. Afterwards, I did all the dishes and pans. I am tired and my ankle is thanking me for it. I left the Nebraska game at half time. They were leading 17-8. I am listening to my new Pearl Jam CD Lost Dogs. It’s pretty good. It was the only CD that I didn’t own. My coloring book came today but the crayons don’t come until tomorrow. Go figure. I am going to give adult coloring a try and see if I can “relax” when I am bored or my pain is out of control.

So damn frustrated

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So damn frustrated

So I did ONE stinking errand today and I am paying for it big time. My ankle gave out on me just a little while ago so I decided to take a nap. OOPS I didn’t get the memo it was going to cause me MORE fucking pain. My mother is cooking dinner downstairs in the kitchen and I have no clue how I am going to get there. I just took a strong pain pill to see if that helps. I already took 2 of my regular pain meds and I can’t take any more for the next few hours.

I am so depressed I want to cry. And there is construction going on the street over from me so I can’t even get a decent rest from noise. They are remodeling a house and adding shit to it. I just hope they quit soon so I can have peace. I texted my sister that I am in pain and she says to elevate my foot. Like that is going to really do anything! It’s already elevated sort of. I have it on a pillow. Might not be the best pillow but it works for me. So much for me changing my sheets this weekend. I will be lucky to make my cake Sunday when I want to.

I’m really frustrated that this is happening. I didn’t do too much today and I wasn’t on my feet that long. I technically didn’t walk more than I normally do so I don’t understand why the fuck I am in pain. Granted the temperature dropped significantly from yesterday so that may be a factor. It was 70 degrees yesterday. Today it’s 50.

I got notification today that my disability pass for the public transportation system has been approved. Monday I need to go to the office to get a new card as my current card expires in a couple weeks. I hope the money transfers over or I am going to be pissed. I just got a credit card and have been making small purchases on it. Small purchases add up quickly and I don’t want to put more money on my card if I don’t have to when there already is money on there.

I just put on my Red Sox slipper socks. They act like compression stockings because they are so tightly knit. I love them for this reason and they keep my feet warm. I had the ceiling fan going but I just shut it off because it’s cold in my room. I think my mother is going to turn on the heat tonight. Temps are going to fall again as I just got a freeze warning advisory from WeatherBug. It’s supposed to be FALL MOTHER NATURE!! Not winter, ya fool!

An Hour of Energy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An Hour of Energy

I woke up and was feeling good. I made breakfast and coffee and then had some really good energy so I decided to run the errand I wanted to do. That proved harder than I thought because half way to the store, my back acted up, making it hard to walk. It wiped out my energy levels pretty fast. By the time I finished what I had to do in the store, I was wiped out. All of this took less than hour to do. I feel so rotten.

I came home and put my stuff away. I then made it to my bedroom and got undressed. My back and ankle started acting up. Pain med time! I was hoping, as foolishly as that may be, that I would have the energy to bake after my errand. No can do. I will do it on Sunday like I planned. I just hope there is room in the refrigerator for the pan.

I got the letter from the CBT place saying where to go and what floor they were on. I was thinking about this when I go a trial run and then it hit me that I could go to my favorite restaurant at Government Center. They have the Asgard burger that is wicked good. It’s an Irish place and I have been there a few times. I really like going there, when I am in the area. I also will be taking pics of the new station so I can show you. It’s really cool.

I just bought a book about managing chronic pain through CBT. I wanted to know what I was getting into before I go to this appointment. I flipped through the book, which isn’t that thick, and I am cringing on the exercises. One of them asks what increases/decreases your pain. That is a hard one because I sometimes don’t know what increases or decreases my pain because it is all over the place. What makes it hurt today, won’t make it hurt tomorrow and vice versa. It’s really challenging because even on days I don’t do anything but sleep, I will have severe pain at night. Or I could be walking all over the place, feeling good, no pain and have a good night of no pain. Then the next day I am in agony for the next few days. The worse is when I wake up in pain. That blows the day and it’s hard to get moving. Other times, I could be having no pain and all of a sudden my ankle decides not to work anymore and gives me severe pain if I do try and use it. So it’s not a clear cut answer. And even if I rest and take meds, that is mostly all I can do for my pain. Nothing else helps decrease it. But in the meantime, I am withering in agony until the pain meds kick in.

Then they had a section where you wrote down automatic thoughts. My automatic thoughts when I am withering in agony is to kill myself. Some of the thoughts they had in the book was “the pain will kill me”. I had to say yes, but I will help it do so. Just give it a nudge with some bottle of pills and hope it’s enough to do the job.

Seeing as I am cooped up for the rest of the day, I will start reading it today and see how it goes. I have never been a fan of CBT but I am willing to try and put aside my pessimism and sarcasm to see if this will help me. It is my last hope before I finally throw in the towel. I have exhausted other treatments and nothing has seemed to help. I know there are other pain meds I could try but I really don’t want to be playing with narcotics when there are opioid nuts fighting against ALL of them being “bad” for everyone, including chronic pain patients. Hell, with every script that I get with my pain meds, I get a handout of what to do if I am misusing my meds. It’s a joke. I know the addiction problem is real. But without these meds, you might as well sign my death certificate.

I am really depressed my little errand took out most of my energy and now I am cooped up. I was feeling really good while I was making breakfast. I don’t know what happened. Granted, I didn’t make anything extravagant. Just bacon, toast, and coffee. How hard is that?