Tag: depression

Wiped Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wiped Out

I went to see my father today. I had to go to Stop and Shop to get one of his meds and while I was there decided to get some powerade. I got seven bottles and didn’t take into account their weight. I drank one while I was at my father’s because I was thirsty and I figured it would lessen the load. Wrong. I had to walk all over the building because he wanted me to check his mail and empty the trash. When I left and got to the station, I realized I had his keys in my pocket so had to go back to return it. My ankle wanted to kill me. I found the ace bandage and was wearing it. I have a nice indentation of the swelling marks from all the walking that I did. I am so glad I didn’t wear my OSU hoodie. I would have died as it got really warm when I left my father’s. I was sweating by the time I finally hit the final stretch home. I am tired and I am glad my mother didn’t go out shopping today because I wouldn’t answer the phone.

I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well and been going since 0400. I did manage to call my doctor’s office and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. Like crack of dawn morning. I have to leave my house at 0700 to be there on time. I am going to be sore as anything tomorrow. I have to be up by at least 0600. I am going to try and take a shower tonight. Depends on how cooperative my ankle is later. I last took a shower yesterday morning, like at 0200 because I thought it would relax me to go back to sleep. Yea right. I am sure I will sleep tonight, though. I won’t take any Neurontin but I will take a couple of Ativan. I hope that will ease the soreness. I hope I don’t have to go through the entire history of why I need hormone pills to stop my menses.

I gave in and bought Eric Church’s new album and I am glad I did. I love this album! I haven’t stopped listening to it. There isn’t a song that I don’t like. I have two songs that I constantly have on repeat. One is obviously, Mr. Misunderstood. They other is “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. I printed out the lyrics for my therapist. There is a chance I might see her next week, depends if I get the Zipcar card. I got approved for Zipcar today. I am so excited. I got wheels when I want them, which is good because my father needs to see his doctor. I had to cancel his last appointment due to lack of transportation.

My mood is just tired. I am still depressed and kind of suicidal but not so much. I just feel blah, not caring about anything. The voices are still kicking around but are not too “loud”. I think that is because I am so tired. If I was anxious or agitated, I think the story would be different.

This month I decided to keep track of how many times I use the bus and train to see if buying a monthly pass was worth it. It is, as my preliminary data shows. I haven’t passed the dollar mark, but I am close to it, and the month isn’t over yet.

Break in Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Break in Sleep

I can never sleep a full 6 hours anymore, even with drugs that are supposed to make you sleepy. I just woke up a little while ago. I had to go to the bathroom and I figure I write a little bit. I am still under the effects of the Neurontin and will be going to bed shortly. I have decided to skip my meds tonight. I just don’t give a fuck. I am still pissed off that this doctor didn’t write a goodbye letter or let me know she was leaving. Least my PCP had a curtesy of writing a letter before he departed.

I am so nervous of seeing another doctor. I am just afraid that I will say the word suicide and they will freak out. Or ignore me like the doctors did when I first saw them. They never asked me if I was currently suicidal or anything. I might as well have been saying to them turkeys or something. But with the new doc, I don’t know if I can say the “s” word and still walk out of the office unescorted. I was never depressed with getting my premenstrual stuff. I was just extremely suicidal. I was in the worst pain of my life and I wanted to die very badly. Then the “switch” would go off and I wouldn’t be as suicidal. It was like a relief that the pain went away and I wasn’t thinking of ending my life. It had nothing to do with being TG. I wasn’t even out when I saw the doctor, or I was just coming to terms with being TG.

I just hope that I can be seen within the next three weeks because that is all I have left of my pill pack, actually it’s more like two weeks of pills that I have. I am trying hard not to take ALL of the pills for this week as I just have the fuck its really bad, which is why I am not taking more meds tonight because I am afraid adding oxcarb to the Neurontin is going to cause an interaction and I am going to be more foggy than anything.

I am starting to bleed heavier so I had to switch to female underwear and female products. I feel so degraded.

Quote of the day 19 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

The remediation (or therapy) of the suicidal state lies in addressing and mollifying the vital frustrated needs. The therapist does well to have this template of psychological needs in mind so that the therapy can be tailor-made for that patient. Often, just a little bit of mollification of the patient’s frustrated needs can change the vital balance sufficiently to save a life. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Fed up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Fed Up

I am not doing well. I have been hearing voices all day and not my usual ones. I spoke to my therapist about it and she wants me to take medication. I don’t want to take more medication. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist on what to do. Then I made a call to one of my doctor’s offices because I needed a refill only to find out she is no longer in the practice and I need to see someone else because it’s been two years since I have been seen. I have three weeks of medication. There is no way I can be seen quickly. I have to call tomorrow because the office is closed now. The new doc is not going to know the circumstances as to why I need this medication to stop my menses. I am going insane so I took a lot of Neurontin, not enough to kill me but enough to knock my ass out, least I hope it will. I am tired of being conscious. This doctor didn’t have the decency to send out a letter saying that she is leaving. I am so bullshit. I hope I don’t have to go through the new doctor routine because it could be months to be seen. I am just so pissed off. First it was my PCP, now it’s my repro endo doc. I might have to go to my PCP’s office to get a refill if I can’t be seen quickly. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am going nuts and the voices aren’t helping. They want me to kill myself. I haven’t told anyone this. I eluded to my therapist about it today when I talked with her but didn’t get into specific details.

 

I was really tired when I talked with my therapist today. I just didn’t want to talk to her at all. She kept on harping on the fucking needs and shit. That is all I remember about our conversation. She wanted me to take the trilafon a couple days in a row and I knocked her down. I am not going to take it. She asked me why and I told her I don’t need it. She asked if the voices are stopping me and I told her yes. They are scary this time and I am not going to fight them. Let them say what they will. It’s not like I haven’t heard them tell them to kill myself before.

 

I have been hot and cold all day. I think it’s because I am sleep deprived. The Neurontin will fix that. I should sleep at least 12 hours, least I am hoping to. I will have the hungry horrors tomorrow but oh well. I just hope I can get up early late morning to see my father and do what I have to do without too much trouble. I have to go to Stop and Shop and pick up one of his medications. He doesn’t know about it so that is why I have to go. I hope he doesn’t need bread because the last time I went, they were out of it. I went too late.

 

I made plans, tentatively, with my friend for a dinner date at a Thai restaurant. He is busy this week and next so it will be the following week but he doesn’t know when. He will call me. That was the 3rd phone call I had to make today. I will order Thai food tomorrow. I don’t know how fast these pills are going to work. Sometimes an hour, sometimes more. It’s always hard to gauge. I am already sleepy but that is because I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t make coffee or tea like I wanted to.

 

So my nervous doctor isn’t at the clinic anymore. Dammit man. If I had known, I would have called sooner for a refill. I am so nervous about it because the reason I am on the pill is because of my suicidal tendencies toward my menses. Even now I am suicidal. It’s in check, I am not going to do anything drastic but I hate having to deal with my menses. It’s just another reason why I am a woman. I hate being a woman. But I can’t tell them this because they are not TG specialists. I really have PMDD, pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. That was when my suicidal stuff was unchecked and I would be in a suicidal rage whenever it got close to my period. I had no idea why. I still don’t. Then when the bleeding started, I would be “normal”. Since being on hormones, these rages have stopped. But the feelings of wanting to kill myself haven’t. It depresses me that I have to go through this every couple of months. Some months I am okay with it and others I am not. This is one of those months.