Tag: depression

Saturday Blog 03102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 03102020

I woke up early so I ordered breakfast because my foot is hurting me so much I can’t stand that long. I didn’t have coffee, though I should make it. Yesterday’s cup wasn’t fulfilling to me. Maybe I will have tea instead. I don’t know. I am so indecisive. I am listening to Hamilton again. I think it is becoming my Saturday thing.

I had to order another micro USB cable because it took forever for my Kindle to charge on the one I have and it kept on disconnecting while plugged in. The beeping was driving me crazy! I finally bought the new shaver. I don’t like it. It doesn’t give me a close shave like I was hoping it would. It works though so I don’t want to return it. There are days when I don’t want to shave but growing a beard while I still have breasts looks ridiculous to me. So I try to shave every other day or three. I really like shaving with a razor but sometimes it just isn’t feasible because of pain so I will use a shaver.

My foot is killing me today. It feels like my metatarsals are being crushed. I hate bone pain. It is so difficult to treat. I am so tired of being in pain. It really is in itself tiring. I wish I could sleep but I am too wired. I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to sleep till after 0200. Pain was keeping me up. I had taken a shower and set my foot off. The water hit my foot/ankle and it felt weird before it flared up. I have been in pain since.

I talked with my cousin who has bipolar disorder last night. He told me he will take me shopping some day next week when he feels up for it. I said ok as there isn’t anything urgent that I need right now. I do need to go shopping though. I need to get some food and snacks. My mother also needs juice. I know when I do go, I will be tired. I still don’t have the stamina I once I had before surgery. Fricken sucks that it has been almost seven months now and I still am not back to being even 90% better energy wise. I need to go to Walgreens for my flu shot. I think I will do that today.

voices and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Voices and therapy

I had therapy this afternoon and during session, I got inundated with voices calling me names. It was so fucking loud. Therapist got quite concerned. I told her I would be ok. I took a PRN of trilafon and that settled some of them down. I took my meds early so that I could have the Latuda and Invega. I am still taking the Invega for the next few days. I got a message from the psychiatrist that I am supposed to continue taking it until our next meeting. Fuck that! I am stopping it this weekend. I am not going to take 2 antipsychotic drugs for three weeks.

I got my haircut today. My mother needed an errand done while I was out so I did that. I came home tired as fuck. My legs are killing me. I am glad I don’t have to go out again until next week. My Monday appointment with PT got changed to Friday.

In therapy we talked about skills and journaling. I guess I will be keeping a notebook of whether or not skills have been helpful. She also is going to make sure I do them. She is going to keep me accountable. I am kind of scared about this. I never had a therapist that kept me accountable before. But then I never had a therapist that was determined to get me better. She cares. I didn’t think she did but she does and I am kind of freaked out by it. I am not used to having someone care about me.

My back has been hurting me since therapy ended. It has spazzed up for some reason. It really hurts. I haven’t taken anything for it yet. I should really take something for it. I had Burger King for supper so I can take some ibuprofen. I hate taking it because it upsets my stomach but it helps with pain so it is a fair trade off.

I don’t know what set off the voices. They usually are just in the background not front and center like they were earlier. I’ve never had them out like that before during a therapy session. They probably were pissed off because I wasn’t giving them attention. They get mad when I don’t answer them. Been hearing the same voices for years now. They always watch and comment on what I am doing, all the damn day. I am used to the abuse I get on a daily basis. But today was nuts. I can’t believe things got so bad in 45 mins. I think it is because of the stress I am feeling with all these appointments I got this month.

feeling overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling overwhelmed

PT just called to schedule appointments for me. The PT that I have been seeing and really like is leaving the organization so I had to go to another location. I am a bit overwhelmed because the third week in Oct I have appointments nearly every day, and therapy hasn’t been scheduled yet so I am nervous that I won’t have therapy that week.

Since last night my back has been making cracking sounds or feels like it is. I don’t know what is going on. I know I don’t have the bony spine on my vertebraes anymore. They all have been removed except for L1-L2. This was because of all the surgeries I have had this year and in the past. I am nervous that I did something to my back yesterday when my groceries came. I just hope it is just muscles that I am hearing and not bone on bone, though it wouldn’t surprise me if there is bone on bone. My discs have deteriorated so there isn’t much cushioning like there used to be. I see the surgeon in three weeks. I will let him know before then if this continues. My headaches have come back and I don’t like it. I am hoping today’s headache was because of the storms that were passing through. I thought I was going to get a migraine but I didn’t. Tylenol seems to have gotten rid of the headache (and eating something too).

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be going over this overwhelm with her. I hate when I have so many appointments back to back. I hope I like this new PT. I don’t know if it is the one my PT recommended I see or not. She is supposed to send me an email tomorrow about it. I am just glad I don’t have to call the ride to get to the place. I can just take the bus as it is down the street from me. I just need to make sure I have enough money on my T pass. I will make sure I do have enough when I get my haircut tomorrow. The Train station is right there near my barber’s shop. I just hope I remember.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but my cousin bailed on me. He said that he wasn’t feeling good. It’s ok because I need to rest my back anyway after dealing with groceries on Monday. My legs are still hurting me from going up and down the stairs.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to change medications. I will be starting Latuda tonight and decreasing the Invega. I forgot how he wanted me to decrease the Invega so I sent him a message. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I am just halving the dose tonight and then stopping it come the weekend. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects. I really hope that it works for me and doesn’t cause weight gain.

This weekend I will be posting transition pics as Saturday marks my second anniversary of being on T. Will be interesting to see the changes. I know there have been a lot. I am more hairy for one. My facial hair has come in nicely. I love that my mustache is more pronounced than it had been. It is darker and thicker. What bothers me is that I have hair on my chest but it is on my stupid breasts. I hate that. I feel like a hairy woman sometimes rather than a man. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look. I still feel ugly. I can’t help but hate the way my face is. Sometimes I can look at myself and see the changes and other times I can’t stand to see myself.

Grocery Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Grocery day

I had my groceries delivered today. I tried taking them up the stairs by myself but I couldn’t. I had to have my nephew help me. I did way too much and am now paying for it with back spasms and pain. I just hope I didn’t do anything to compromise myself. I am just four weeks post op. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I was stupid to think carrying the bags was a great idea. I was winded after my first trip up the stairs. Today was warm and muggy which didn’t help me at all. I was sweating like a pig.

I had a late delivery because it was the only time that they had open. I ordered my groceries late because I woke up late yesterday. I was glad there was still open for today. I am resting now with the AC going. I think I will take a nap. I haven’t eaten anything all day except leftovers. It wasn’t really filling. I don’t know what to order. I might order from a local sub shop and have a pastrami sub with fries.

Last night I printed off the skill sheet of DBT that my therapist gave me. I have been trying to do it but doing it in spurts. She never responded to the message I sent her so I am not that keen on doing them daily like she wants me to. I see her Thursday. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist. I had asked for a med increase and he wanted to see me so I agreed. Voices have settled down some. I still have the stupid music running through my head constantly. OMG it is all Hamilton music and it shuffles songs. I am tempted to listen to the soundtrack again to make it stop temporarily. Listening to music tends to hold off on it. It is driving me crazy because it repeats all the time from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed. All fucking day long I have music in my head. And it plays like I have the MP3 player going. It is annoying but no medication has helped settled it down. It kind of did when I was on a high dose of the Invega. I don’t want to be on a high dose again. Too many side effects that I don’t like. I will stay on the dose I am on now. If it doesn’t work then I will switch to something else. I don’t want to increase it.

I couldn’t find the sub shop so I ordered Chipotle. I haven’t had it in so long. It will be good to have some rice and beans with steak. I love their burrito bowl. It is my favorite next to their actual burrito. I might get it later this week when I get my haircut. I haven’t decided which day I am going to go. Might be Thursday as my therapy appointment is in the late afternoon. I can go in the late morning and still be home in time.