Tag: disability

What if I live?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

What if I live?

Been thinking seriously of ending my life in a few weeks. I plan dates. It helps me cope knowing I have some date to look forward to so I know the misery will end. Usually this happens in a state of despair when my pain levels are high and all I can think about is death.

But the next morning, after a few hours or more of sleep, I feel differently. Some mornings I cannot believe I sunk so low. Yet usually there is some record of it—a blog or email or social media post. It brings me back, temporarily, to that place and I wonder what if I live rather than go through the plan to die?

I have few events coming up in the next few months. Something to look forward to, so to speak, yet on the nights of despair, they are far from reach, unable to be thought about. Someone said that I should write goodbye letters. I wrote one to my psychiatrist. The other 19 people on my list is a little harder. I don’t have all my ducks in a row, so to speak, to end my life like I had planned way back in March. I was supposed to die in June. It is now the middle of July and I am still here. I do’t feel that getting help would be helpful to me. I have been in therapy for 27 years, that is nearly half of my lifetime. Yet I still remain as suicidally trapped as I did when I was 15 years old and wanted to seriously end my life then.

What if I live?

I don’t know the answer to this question. I just keep going, hoping the day won’t come where I’ll say I’ve had enough and go through with my plan. I don’t want to live. I am in too much physical pain. CRPS has taken so much from me. Might as well take my life as well. I’m not worth living.

I feel like I am crying wolf too many times. I don’t think anyone believes just how serious I am this time. But even I am not 100% convinced I will end my life on the day I planned. What if I live? What if I die? What if I am rescued in time? No one knows my plan. Hell, I don’t even know it completely. I’ve been too afraid of putting it forward because that will make it more real. Do I have to end my life? I feel I have to. I feel no one cares how bad I hurt. And not one medical professional wants to see my suffering end. I’ve had enough of fighting for my care. I had to do this since I was 16. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve run out of gas. If I live, I’ll continue to suffer just so my family and friends aren’t in pain. What kind of life is that?

I’ve been pushing through trying to hang on. I know the demons will pass in the morning. Hence I live to see another day. Hence I live, least until despair grabs a hold of me once again.

What if I live?

hot day turns into T-storms

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hot day turns into T-Storms

I woke up around 10. My mother was already at the hospital. I had a bad night of sleeping and pain. I had already told her if I slept and didn’t have pain, I would go. She understood as there was little for me to do at the hospital anyways.

I made breakfast but not until I shut the kitchen door and let it cool down some. It was a sauna as all the mugginess was in the kitchen. I am glad I was home because the thunderstorms we had would have flooded the kitchen. I made bacon and eggs. It was good. I then had coffee and as usual, felt sleepy so napped. My sister called me when my mother was still in surgery. I was half asleep. I told her I didn’t feel good. My ankle acted up while I was cooking. I spent the afternoon in bed and having a weird dream that I was admitted to a really bad rehab hospital. It was almost like a nightmare. The rain must have been getting in my dream because there was water everywhere.

After I woke from my nap, I called my sister to see how my mother was doing. She was in recovery and soon headed to her room. Surgery went well and she was a little nauseous. My sister texted me her room number. I tried calling a few times but no answer. I’ll call tomorrow to see how she is.

I haven’t done anything other than what I just described. It was very stormy out and I was afraid we would lose power. The temp dropped but the humidity didn’t. I hate that. What is the purpose of rain if it doesn’t get cooler. The All Star game is on but I don’t feel like watching it. They had a delay due to rain. I hope the AL wins, but then I always do. Think I am going to read a couple of chapters of The Poe Shadow. I’m not really interested in it but I started it so I need to finish. It is a fairly easy book to read, not as complicated as Dostoevsky. I’ll take my night meds soon and hopefully have an easy night. I’m not in super pain, which is surprising as the barometric pressure has been all over the place. I somewhat feel a migraine coming on as I have a pain right above my right eye. Allergies have been awful today. I don’t know if it is a migraine or sinus stuff because I am congested. I hate allergies. Stupid pollen! Course being in the kitchen doesn’t help because the windows are covered in pollen. Least I will have the door closed so no more gets in the house. Supposed to be 70 tomorrow. I don’t know what the humidity will be. It was 88% last I check an hour or so ago. YUCK!

A Pissy and Muggy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A Pissy and Muggy Monday

I woke up at 0530 from a strange dream, which I do not recall presently. I had to use the bathroom and when I came back, my foot started hurting. I took a breakthrough med but didn’t want to go back to sleep as I knew I would wake up feeling like shit. I just laid down until my alarm went off. I didn’t get up. I just laid there until I had to get up. I took my morning meds then went downstairs to use the bathroom again and brush my teeth.

I checked my text messages when I got back to my room. I was hoping to have time to make coffee but the message said the bus I needed to take was delayed. Just lovely. I got dressed quickly. I decided to let the AC run to keep the room cool. I went downstairs and got a reusable cup and asked my mother if she needed anything while I was out. She didn’t and she didn’t call me back when I reached the stairs. I was barely awake and was putting stuff in my bag then taking them out only to put them back in. I have no idea what the hell I was doing. I finally got my shit together, put my sunglasses on, the Bluetooth on my phone, and left. Bus I was to take went by just as I was approaching the corner. If I “ran”, I would have caught it but then the light turned green and it took off. Oh well. Hope I didn’t have to wait long for the next one.

I got to my PT with a few minutes to spare, but not enough to grab a coffee. I graduated from PT for my groin pain. She was proud of me for sticking with the home exercises and making progress and actually doing more than I was doing. My thigh was not feeling good after she did the myofascial stuff she did but I fared okay. I left and waited for the bus. It was really hot and muggy. I was sweating and getting more pissy as I didn’t have a coffee. I decided I wasn’t going to go from the orange to the red line, but from the orange to green to red to go to my psych appt. I didn’t want to be walking around in circles at the orange line transfer like I did a few weeks ago. It worked as I was about 45 minutes early for my appt. I waited in the lobby and wrote in my journal. I had gotten coffee when the bus dropped me off at the station. Wasn’t the best but it worked.

I met with my psych and discussed the stuff I wrote in the emails, kind of. She wanted to know more about my mother. So I told her about the surgery tomorrow and my anxiety about everything. I also told her I was mad that the pain docs had once again dismissed what I wanted done. I told her I wanted the dose increased and she said they weren’t going to do that. So I am supposed to continue to plan my death and go through with it?? I didn’t tell her that cause that would have landed me in the emergency room. But I just feel like she is siding with them rather than me. I feel so angry. I am so fed up. The next time I see her is the day I planned my next death but I am not seeing her because I moved it up a week. Fuck it. I don’t care anymore. I am so done fighting all the fucking time and getting nowhere.

So next week when I get paid, I am scouting out the area where I wish to die and if it is feasible, find a good spot and return to it a few weeks later. I am done. I am not going to be around the rest of the summer. I don’t fucking care anymore. I will go through the motions like I am, live the double life and all. But other than that, I am going to write these damn letters and say goodbye to my friends and family. I guess that was why my psychiatrist’s letter was kind of easy to write. I no longer respect her as I once did. It hurts. But it taught me that you can’t trust anyone.

Sunday Blog 15-July-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 15 July 2018

Only thing I did today was go to Walgreens. My sister made dinner so after I showered, I went downstairs. I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want a flare but my niece called and I couldn’t say no. Food was good. I had a cappuccino after I ate. I wanted to make coffee but I forgot to bring down a pod.

My foot is somewhat calmer today than the last few days. I took my morning meds way later than I wanted because I fell back to sleep when the alarm went off. I woke up in the middle of the night for some reason. I was probably cold as my room was hot and the AC was off. I didn’t want to get up for anything. I was just so worn out from the past two days of dealing with a flare.

Sox won. Now there isn’t a game till Friday because of the All Star game. I hate this week. Four days of no baseball, well there is, the All Star game, but I don’t watch it because I don’t watch TV, even though I pretty much have control of the TV as my mother will be in the hospital and later, rehab. Going to be weird her not being home. I hope everything goes okay and there are no complications.

I just set my alarm for tomorrow morning as I got to be up early for my last PT appt, well least with the one I am seeing now. I am waiting for the referral to process for the functional pain program. I’ll probably find out sometime tomorrow if it was processed. Then I got to make my way into Boston to see my psychiatrist. Just fun. Going to be really hot and humid tomorrow. I just hope the trains and buses have AC that work.