Tag: disability

rough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough day

I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.

I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.

So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.

After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.

My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.

Saturday Blog 75

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 75

I just had a frustrating conversation with my mother. She wants me to go to a specific hospital because they are “bone specialists”. I told her I went there before and they didn’t help me. She thought I was bullshitting her. I am so fucking mad. She doesn’t understand this is a pain syndrome and nothing can be done for it. Then my sister says I should walk more. Really?? I can barely make it to Walgreens and back without problems during a flare up and that is a SHORT fucking walk. So glad I have such a supportive family.

I finally took a shower at like 5 this morning. I was up and pain was minimal so I took a quick one. I went back to sleep for a few hours after taking some Neurontin. I tried to sleep it off but it wasn’t going to happen. I made coffee and had some muffins my mother made for breakfast. I felt like I was drunk and I have been up since. Then my ankle flared up again so I had to take the strong pain pills. I didn’t want to because it was early in the day but I was in severe pain. Then my leg started cramping which set off my PTSD anxiety. Just fucking lovely. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I still haven’t taken a damn nap though I want to so bad. I got a migraine that is killing me and I won’t be taking the Zoloft again tonight. I can’t take it because there could be an interaction with my migraine meds.

I am so damn frustrated and just want to die. I was writing in my journal last night till around 3 in the morning. I wrote my frustration of not being able to make an attempt last week because I wasn’t sure if the pills were going to kill me or just make me sick. I was suicidal again last night as I was writing and then I wrote an angry rant to my psychiatrist that I wrote in my journal. It had a little more to it as I wrote more as I was writing it out. Then I tweeted what I wrote but didn’t allow it to be posted to Facebook. I didn’t want my family to read what I posted. Not that they would as it was so early in the morning but I didn’t want someone calling my sister telling them I was suicidal again. I still don’t know what “friend” called my sister that time I was posting Pearl Jam lyrics. Pisses me off that they would go through her rather than talk to ME directly.

I wanted to contact my psych today but I don’t want to bother her. She has a three day weekend so I don’t want to disturb her. It would just be a check in but I am not feeling like talking after the frustration of my family. I still so want to attempt to kill myself but I don’t have the means and that frustrates me. Maybe I will go to a state that sells firearms without a background check or is willing to sell firearms to mentally ill people as they are revoking that background check, thank you, Congress! Not that I know how to operate a firearm, but I am sure I can get instructions. If a toddler can fire one, I am sure I can.

I’m ordering pizza and fries for dinner tonight. I have been craving pizza all day. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. I blame all the Neurontin that I have been taking for these cravings. My vision is starting to be affected because of the migraine so I will stop here.

freezing out but my room is a sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Freezing out but my room is a sauna

It’s 10 degrees out or there abouts. I had to turn down the heat because my room is so damn hot. I can’t stand the heat. I am grateful for it but I rather be cold. It is what I grew up with as my room didn’t have a radiator. I had to have multiple blankets on me to keep warm during the winter. I didn’t mind. I liked it.

I can’t sleep mostly because of pain. I had a study interview today about chronic pain. It went well, though we went over the time by a half hour. I didn’t mind. It was good talking to someone about my pain. They wanted to know more about my use of social media and how I talk about my pain and so I told her. It was a good interview. I hope they learn what ever it is they are trying to learn.

I am really tired but I just can’t sleep because of the heat and pain. My foot is killing me. I had to have something to eat so I went downstairs. That aggravated my foot. Then I went back up the stairs which didn’t help matters. I took another pain pill hoping to speed up the other two that I took. Lately, the regular pain meds are having no effect on me as they don’t make me sleepy anymore. It still works for my pain but it seems that it takes longer to do so. I am worried now that I am tolerant to the meds and need to find something else.

I went to bed around midnight and it’s still hot in my room, despite lowering the heat. I didn’t lower it too much, just one degree. I fell asleep and just woke up now, 6 hours later. That must be the latest I have slept in a while. I am not going to go back to sleep because I need to leave the house around 0850. I might take a shower, though I am really not wanting to. It’s going to be freezing in the bathroom as there is no heat so I will take it tomorrow when the temps are below 20 degrees. It’s 12 degrees right now. I still haven’t decided if I am going to wear my long johns or not with my jeans or sweat pants. I haven’t decided what I am going to wear. These decisions are always hard for me.

I might make a cup of tea just so that I have a little caffeine on board. Think Earl Grey would be nice. I haven’t had that in a while. I still have to pack my bag for the hospital. I have decided to use my suitcase so I need to transfer every thing from my backpack to it. Then I need to stuff my blanket in. I think I will put the blanket in first and then put the clothes on top of that. I might be snowing on Monday so I think a suitcase would be better for my travels than my backpack and bag. I still will take a backpack for my journal and coloring books. That might kill some time while I am there and don’t want to go to group or something.

Today would have been the day I would try to kill myself. I feel defeated that my plan didn’t work out and that it would just make me sick rather than kill me. I hated when I have botched plans. It really sucks. I just feel like a loser. Now I got to figure out another way to die and hope I succeed.

I have thought about getting a haircut but I am getting low on funds and it’s going to be two weeks before I get paid again. I still need to pay for my prescription that I will be picking up today. And I need a refill on my Neurontin as I am running low. I need to email my neurologist to get that script because my PCP’s office won’t prescribe it to me. Ridiculous. I hope she will allow me to take 1200 mg at night as I have been taking that to help with the burning pain. It seems to work at least 24 hours so I have good coverage. Some nights I don’t need to take it because it’s not every night that I have the pain.

As I prepare for my hospital admission, I got to take my meds with me because I don’t want to take a million pills. I also need to fill out my medication list and how I take my meds because I don’t want there to be a hassle with my pain meds. I really wish the doc wrote that I take 2 tabs every 6 hours rather than 1 tab every 4. 1 tab doesn’t do shit for me. We’ll see how the docs at the hospital decide to write the order. They all have the same computer system now so it’s going to be difficult to get my meds the way I take them. It’s so frustrating. I’ll also have to prepare for taking my psych meds differently than what I take them at home. Man this is going to be so annoying. I am going to be a zombie in the morning and a night owl at night. Not looking forward to this at all. I am going to ask my psych today when I see her if I really need to go in or not. I know I am still feeling suicidal and the hospital will be a respite from my urges, but I just hate the medication piece of the puzzle. It always gets fucked up. And it’s frustrating to fix because I usually have to wait 24 hours for the changes to occur. Annoying!!

going insane with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Going insane with pain

I have been trying to sleep for the last couple of hours. Every time I move my damn foot, it counters with pain. I tried without the covers, with the covers, hanging my foot off the bed. Nothing is working. Meds aren’t touching the pain because it’s nerve pain so I got to wait for the Neurontin to kick in, which is whenever it feels like it. I haven’t quite timed it right so I never know when it is going to work. I do feel sleepy from it and groggy but it’s not enough to knock me out entirely. I just took an Ativan so I hope that will help me sleep.

I sent my therapist the blog I wrote. I thought she should have the last blog I wrote about her. I am really going to miss her a lot. On a whim, I emailed the new therapist that my Twitter friend sent me. I hope she is taking new clients. It will really suck if she isn’t. I will feel really bummed out. I hate having another female therapist but I think there are more female ones in the area than males. In the 26 yrs that I have been in therapy, only 3 have been males. I have had 13 therapists.

I am in so much pain that I am thinking of ways to cut off my damn ankle. Fortunately, I don’t have the equipment handy to do the deed. I did have an idiot friend of mine willing to lend me her chainsaw. She catches one or two of my posts and doesn’t realize what I need it for. Drives me crazy. I don’t know if I would ever be able to really cut off my ankle but I do fantasize about it a lot. Then at least the pain that I felt would be justified. The pain that I feel right now isn’t because of some injury or anything. It just fucking hurts. There is swelling but that is it’s only symptom besides pain. I fucking hate this pain syndrome because there is different types of pain every single night. Sometimes it’s my ankle, or my toes, or my foot, or another part of my ankle. I can’t keep up with the changes and the different kind of pain that I feel. It is frustrating and then when you see the doc, they think you are just making it up. Least it feels that way to me.

I am really sad that I don’t have a therapist anymore. I miss having someone to talk to every week. It really kept me sane even if we talked about the same thing every week. But it was getting frustrating with my therapist because her anxiety just kept getting in the way of me talking about things. Then she would go on a talking binge and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. It was really bumming me out because I felt like it was MY time and it turned into HER time most of the session. I hope my next therapist isn’t like that. I hope the new therapist responds to the email I sent her. I really hope so. If she isn’t taking new clients then I will really be bummed. I also hope she can help me cope better with my chronic pain. That would be so neat. But we’ll see. I am really nervous about her response. She might want me to just call her office number, which I have but if she isn’t taking anyone, why would she do that? I am just nervous about it. It’s hard seeing someone new.