Tag: disability

Saturday Blog 74

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 74

I didn’t have a good night. I woke up in pain every single time I tried moving my ankle. It was terrible because it was just normal movements, not even a stretch or anything. I saw stars every time I moved it. It was awful. I kept taking my regular pain meds because I am running low on my strong pain pills. I meant to put in a refill request on Thursday but I forgot and Friday was too late by the time I remembered.

I am feeling really sad. I woke up late and could barely make it down the stairs to go to the bathroom and make some coffee. I had some left over Chinese food that I ordered last night. It was good. Sometimes I think leftover food tastes better than when it is delivered. I am in pain from moving around to fix myself something to eat and use the bathroom. That is nothing new. It just depresses me because it happens every single day. It just lowers your self-esteem. You feel defeated.

A friend of mine sent me a poem about trees by Hesse. I don’t remember his first name but the poem was truly powerful with the language. I really liked it. My friend is off hiking with his son right now so I will text him later to say that I liked it. He also sent me a movie but it’s too long to keep my attention. I haven’t told him this but he hasn’t asked about it so I won’t say anything.

Other than just waking up and fixing myself something to eat, I haven’t done anything worthwhile. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter because one of her songs was going through my head. She calms me down when I am having a rough time. Her voice is really soothing to me. I have most of her albums since the 90s. She isn’t on country radio anymore as her genre has changed so I just get to listen to her music through my MP3 player.

I think I am going to try and read some Dostoevsky. I want to try and get through his book this month. I don’t know if I will be able to because I am planning on going into the hospital the following week. I don’t know if they allow Kindles so I won’t be bringing it. I am also not going to be wearing my sneakers for fear of them taking my shoelaces. My psychiatrist is going to try and get me on the unit at the hospital she works at. If not I will have to go to the other hospital that I go to. I really don’t want to go there because they don’t help me. I feel like it’s more of an expensive babysitting service than treatment.

I feel like making my pumpkin cake. I might make it on Monday. My foot is too sore to make today. Tomorrow is Superbowl stuff so maybe I might make it then for the party. We’ll see. My brother in law is making ribs and chili. He makes a very good chili. I will be watching the game in my kitchen because I know my mother will be taking over the living room TV. That is ok. I don’t mind being in the kitchen because I can eat and not worry about making a mess so much. It should be a good game. I am not expecting it to be a high scoring game but you never know.

Last night as I was in horrible pain, I emailed my psychiatrist because I was feeling so hopeless. I asked her if I was a hopeless case. I said it was important for her to respond. She said “absolutely not”! That made me feel better. I feel like my psychiatrist is the only one supporting me right now in the real world. Everyone else is online.

I was hoping to take a shower today but I don’t think I will. I will try tomorrow. I hope the pain is less so I can stand for a few minutes. I don’t like sitting while showering.

What if

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

What if

What if I were to say that I was suicidal? Would you be aghast, fearful, judgmental, concerned? Would you try and help me sort through what ever was going through my mind? Or would you tell me things like snap out of it, keep your chin up, things get better, least you don’t have cancer, or the many rhetorics that are said to keep mental illness at bay because it’s too shameful to see in another person. Would you think that I have lost my nut, that I am crazy for thinking such a thing?

These are the things I ponder as I go through my daily chronic pain ritual. It’s not fun and suicidal thinking is a part of my thinking process because I don’t want to live in agony every day. I think those that have suffered from chronic pain every day knows what I am talking about but they may think of suicide in passing because they have loved ones they think about and how the deed will affect them. Or they may have an animal that they don’t want to suffer because of their loss.

Suicide is not something to be ashamed of or to be scared of. Everyone has at one time thought of ending their life for one reason or another. Some may have even gone ahead and planned or attempted it.

I bring this up not to bring worry to my friends and family, but for you to think about it the next time you post the “someone is always listening” post with the suicide hotline number. These post mean an awful lot to me because they would not be posted even five years ago. For those thinking about suicide, you are not crazy and you are not alone. There is help out there. All you need to do is reach out to find that sympathetic ear. If you to get the stupid rhetoric, seek someone else’s ear. Keep reaching out until you find someone who cares.

got out of the house

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Got out of the house

I woke up earlier than I thought as the house was quiet so I thought my mother had left the house. Then I started hearing the god forsaken sound of dice hitting the glass table top and I was wrong. It was 0815. I thought about hurrying to catch the 0822 bus but I just woke up and didn’t feel like rushing. I ended up taking the 0950 bus so I could wake up properly and use the bathroom.

I made it to Starbucks, even though the bus hit nearly every single stop getting there. I guess I was in an annoyed mood today because I was hungry. My appetite hasn’t been great the past few days. I have literally just been having one meal and coffee to decrease my appetite. Anyways, my favorite cashier was at the register and didn’t charge me for my espresso. Score. I got my sandwich free because I had a reward. I had my sandwich and played with my phone. I can’t stand being on Twitter anymore because it just talks about the Orange Blunder and his antics, which so annoys me. If they aren’t talking about him, they are talking about his cabinet or SCOTUS pick. I fear this country is doomed for the next four years. Least I won’t know about it as my time here is limited. Pretty soon, if all goes well, all that will remain are these blogs.

After eating my sandwich, I started writing in my journal. I updated it and wrote of my fears of my plan. I seriously have to make preparations that go beyond just writing my will. My friend would like some clothing of mine so I will be sending it to her next week. She had a breakdown the last time we video chatted. It was difficult to see her cry. But since I have become a robot, I didn’t share the feelings she was feeling. I guess that is good that my emotions have been cut off due to medication because otherwise, I think I would be a lunatic.

I need to take a shower but my foot and ankle flared up soon as I took off my sock as I was changing into my PJs. I might take it tomorrow morning if I wake up early enough before heading to my psych appointment. I am nervous about this appointment because it could be the last time I see my psych, if she allows my shenanigans, which she usually doesn’t. She has always been straight and to the point kind of doctor. One of the many reasons why we get along so well.

My therapist friend got back to me this morning and gave me a name for therapy. I Googled her and found that she actually specializes in suicidality. I was shocked to read that on her profile. Maybe if I survive my attempt, we might work out if she is accepting new clients. I kind of sort of want to get in contact with her now to see how she is so that I won’t be disappointed if she isn’t accepting new clients. She is in Harvard Sq. so she is accessible to me, though the walk can be a challenge. We’ll see how it goes. If she isn’t accepting clients maybe she knows someone else that does.

I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I left the house. Then while I was at Starbucks, an Adele song came on so I switched to her album as I really haven’t listened to her music since I bought her latest album. I really love Adele, though I think her album 21 is better than her current one. There are some songs on 25 that I like and others that are okay.

therapy disaster

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy disaster

I had therapy this afternoon. I’m still quite upset about it. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was hoping for the best but it didn’t work out. All I did was cry at the realization that we were going to at some point, terminate. She couldn’t say the word and I couldn’t think of it. She still wanted to be some kind of adjunctive therapy just so she could have her fix of me, to keep her in the loop of what is going on and such.

All the while I kept thinking, why is this happening? I asked her why we couldn’t do weekly sessions and she said she’d just go back to her “old ways”. I don’t care if it meant having someone to talk to regularly. Right now I have NO ONE! And it’s not a good place to be in.

Then I thought fuck it. I plan on ending my life soon and then who the fuck gives a shit about her. I have no crisis response plan in place because she isn’t my therapist anymore. I only have my psychiatrist. I had emailed her about what happened and she asked me if she plans on calling future therapists. I don’t care and went off a tirade of basically fuck this and that. I don’t fucking care anymore. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t want to see her anymore and I am not. I will have one last session with the bozo (therapist) and that will be that. Her schedule will be too damn packed to see me again so I don’t have to worry about another damn session.

I cried for about an hour after session and still the tears are flowing. I have been trying to control them but it makes me so damn sad. My therapist told me she still loves me and cares about me. I think that just made things worse. I know she was crying during the session, too. I was so choked with emotion, I could barely talk. And when I did talk, I was choking back tears trying to be heard. I kept on trying to think of what it was my psychiatrist wanted to ask her but my mind went blank. I did ask her about the blogs and she said it was important that I wrote and shared them. Yea, so important that it broke us up.

I don’t know where I am heading with this, if it’s going anywhere. I am really depressed. Nothing I wanted to do today got done. I was just a lazy bastard. If I take a shower tonight, that will be a miracle. If not, my psychiatrist will have to deal with my stink when I see her tomorrow. I am sure she smelled worse though.