Tag: disability

A Day of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A Day of Pain

Yesterday my ankle gave out on me and it was very painful all night. I woke up around 0230 in pain and then I stayed up will around 0430 or so when the pain meds made me sleepy. I don’t remember the time I woke up this morning. It must have been around 0930 because I heard my mother go down the stairs to go to my aunt’s house. I was still in pain so I took more pain meds and then made breakfast. My mother had bacon and I made some scrambled eggs with cheese on toast. My sister was home from her mini vacation so I went downstairs to make my coffee. She said that she had a gift for me. It was an I love Aruba hat. It was cool. My foot started screaming at me so I went back upstairs to my room for it to quiet down. Except it never did.

Around noon time or maybe there after, I took some more meds and made lunch. My foot was really giving me fits. I ate quickly and then went back to my room where my foot then decided to explode. I was started to feel hopeless and just wanted to fucking die. I became suicidal and contemplated calling my psychiatrist. I didn’t know if she would call me back right away so I left that as my last option. I took my strong pain pill. And hoped to fall asleep. I laid down and my pain increased. I sat back up and wanted to cry.

The drowsiness of the meds wore off and by then it was supper time. I had some soup my sister made. It was good. And now I am hurting again because I went downstairs to her apartment and then back up the stairs to my room.

My mother went to the doctors today because she had some redness on her breast that was warm and hurting her. It turned out to be shingles. Except she doesn’t think it’s shingles because “she knows her body”. I know she is going to take one dose of the medication they gave her, it is not going to “work”, and she is going to stop taking it. I just hope I don’t get it because I touched the spot that was hurting her. I am going to call my doctor’s office tomorrow to see if I should get the shingles vaccine.

I had one of the books that I sent out returned to me today. I had put the wrong address for my cousin. I had the street right, just the number of her apartment building wrong. So I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail it to her. I am sure she is wondering where the hell the book is. I will send it out priority mail so she gets it sooner. I just hope tomorrow I am not in a lot of pain like I am today.

The pain is ridiculous today. I can’t move my toes because if I try, I will be in horrendous pain. Nothing can touch my foot. I am just fucking miserable. I am just glad I ate today as I barely ate yesterday. My PTSD was activated today because of the pain so that was fun. I had to take some Ativan to calm down. It helped with the suicidal urges I was feeling, too. My tolerance for the pain was way low today. I couldn’t bear it at all. It was driving me crazy. I tried to distract myself from it but I just didn’t have the energy to. I had used most of my energy last night as I tried to sleep. It wore me out so much so I am not surprised my pain tolerance was zero today.

My therapist got back to me late last night. Her schedule is “packed” so she doesn’t have a time for me, yet. She is “working” on it. I haven’t heard from her today and I doubt I will tomorrow. So there goes another week without therapy. I gave her an ultimatum, saying that if she didn’t give me a time, we were basically done. She is willing to talk to me but she needs to find a time to do it. I emailed my psychiatrist like at 4 in the morning while I was up to explain the situation because after my therapist texted me, I broke down again. I don’t think that helped my pain levels. If I had the impulsivity, I would seriously try to end my life tonight. But I don’t. I want to die but I don’t have the means. Fucking sucks. I will in a few weeks though. Then I will be out of my misery for good.

I want to cry

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I want to cry

I haven’t been in pain for most of the day and soon after I took my pain meds and some Benadryl, it starts up. I took the Benadryl because my allergies were really bad. I have been sneezing all day for some reason. It was so annoying. Anyways, after the pain started, my foot and ankle started doing a cramping motion that was more painful than the pain itself. I wanted to cry. I took another Ativan and now I am ready to sleep but I can’t because I am kind of wired.

My diet didn’t go well today. I only had three shakes and then a black bean burger because I was hungry. I also had a protein bar and some fruit. I didn’t drink any water because I just didn’t feel like it. After the phone call with the insurance company for my phone, I kind of lost all appetite. I am surprised I even made it through the day. I am hungry now and should eat something but I really don’t want to go back downstairs because I am in pain. I really want cookies because it’s my comfort food but I want to stick with my diet.

I emailed my psychiatrist about how I was feeling and then I realized, what if she calls me? I had to send her another email saying don’t call me because my phone is disconnected. I didn’t give her an explanation. I will tell her when I see her on Friday. Hopefully my phone is fucking turned on by then.

I kind of feel proud because without dieting, I lost six pounds. I weighed myself today and I was the same as I was before I started dieting but I was heavier when I first got my fitness pal app. I don’t know what I did. I swear it’s the meds that fluctuate my weight. I just hope that once I get back in a routine of some sort, I lose the weight more frequently than what I am right now. I haven’t left the house since Friday. I hope to go to Starbucks tomorrow but there is no guarantee I will. It all depends on my pain levels.

I can’t wait to text my friend that I met in the hospital four years ago. I am sure she is worried about me. Or she thinks I am mad at her for not answering her text messages. I hope my explanation will be satisfactory to her. I didn’t know my phone was going to be turned off. If I did, I would have had one of my other phones turned on so I would still have a phone. I am such an idiot.

I just want to cry because I am in pain again. I am so tired of being in pain. It’s so exhausting. I am afraid to lie down because I fear that my pain will increase. I am so tired though, physically, even though I haven’t done anything all day. I know it’s the Benadryl and pain meds that are making me tired. I just need to try and sleep and it might happen. Just wish the PTSD would calm down enough so I could try and sleep.

Painful Boxing Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful Boxing Day

I live in the States so we don’t celebrate Boxing day but I have some international readers that do so Happy Boxing day!

My day has not been a good one. I went to sleep between 0330 and 0400 because pain was keeping me up. When I woke up around noon, the pain was still there. I took my meds and had some breakfast. My mother called to have me put the pies in the fridge. They had been on our back porch but the sun was out and it can quickly heat up the space, even if it is freezing out. I delved into the chocolate cream pie that I love so much. I had it after I had supper, too. I just eat it until it is gone.

The pain meds weren’t working for me so around 1400, I took my strong pain pill and that knocked me out. I slept for a few hours. I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything but pie but my brother-in-law made some beef and potatoes so I had that. It was really good. I still feel like shit and my ankle is killing me. I should have told my sister to get me a chainsaw for Christmas instead of a pizza stone. I had emailed my psychiatrist during one of the trips I wasn’t sleeping. I had tried four times to sleep last night and it took the fourth for me to finally crash. I thought I would hear back from her but I haven’t. Maybe she hasn’t read her email yet. She is on vacation.

I have some exciting news, I plan on publishing my book sometime this week. I was hoping to work on it today but it didn’t happen. I am meeting a friend tomorrow for coffee in Boston so I don’t think I will be able to work on it tomorrow either. It will get done. I just have a few pages of “fluff” to write. I will have a dedication page and then maybe an acknowledgement page. I am not sure. I know I want to publish the suicide hotlines so they are there should someone need them. I just don’t know if I should put them in the beginning of the book or the end. I think the end will be better.

I just hope that I don’t have formatting issues like I did my first book. Man, what nightmare that was. This time I used the template that Amazon gave out and I hope there are no glitches. I hope it has no blank pages. I have tried my best to make sure this hasn’t happened. So we’ll see.

Now I got to fill my pill box and take my meds. I meant to do it earlier today but I was so damn sleepy. I feel like I can go back to bed again. I hope I do and sleep till at least 8 or 9 tomorrow morning. I need to shower and then get dressed to meet my darling friend. I hope she isn’t late.

wired as the pain comes back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wired as the pain comes back

I felt crappy this morning. Ankle was hurting so I took some pills. I waited till my mother left the house so the house would be mine and quiet as I made breakfast once the pain settled down. She left and so did my pain a few minutes later. I made my breakfast and was feeling pretty good that I was somewhat pain free.

I came back to my room and I had just enough time to catch the next bus to the Square to get espresso. I made it and had six shots of espresso. I got loaded off caffeine. Four shots weren’t doing it so I added two more. That did it and my heart was racing. It felt pretty good. I went to Walgreens on the way home to pick up my meds and avoided the ramp that usually hurts my ankle. Didn’t matter though. My ankle decided it was going to start up again. Meds had apparently wore off by this point.

I came back to my room and got undressed. I took off my sock as carefully as I could and it didn’t matter. My fucking foot exploded. Dammit! My bladder said it had to go so I had to go downstairs. Fuck. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands. I kind of always do after using public transportation to avoid getting sick. My mother made spinach and I had some then told my mother I was going to be in a drug haze as my foot flared up again. She wanted me to call the doctor and I said yeah, whatever. My foot is becoming more sensitive and I know no doctor can tell me why. Just the way the pain syndrome goes I guess. I didn’t have any injury to my foot, not recently anyways. There is no bruising or discoloration. It just hurts like a SOB for no goddamn reason. I have thermal socks on now because my feet were cold after taking off my regular socks. My mother said that I should have left my socks on. I hate wearing socks that I wear out in the house. It just goes against my grain.

Now my bowels are screaming at me so I will have to go back downstairs again soon. I’m not surprised given the amount of caffeine I had. I hope I am productive with this amount of caffeination. But I know my strong pain pill will damper my wired self down a few notches. I was writing in my journal that I wanted to take my laptop to Starbucks tomorrow to write some thing from the Daily Word Prompts from WordPress. I have a whole bunch of them that I have saved. I think it would be better to write on the laptop than writing in a notebook and then typing up what I wrote. Just is more work for me, but sometimes, handwriting is better because there is free flow. I don’t know how I am going to feel tomorrow so it is on the back burner for now.