Tag: hopelessness

just another day of fricken pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just another day of fricken pain

My back and leg have been bothering me all day. My lower back has been hurting so much. I really pulled a muscle. I’ve been taking ibuprofen to try and ease it. Today I had to put heat on it because it was just awful. My right calf refuses to loosen up. It’s so stiff. So I have been putting heat on that as well. It helped some because when my mother called me down for dinner, I could walk somewhat normally.

My CRPS ankle/foot is being a complete jerk. So I am hurting on both sides of my lower body. I hope I never have upper body pain because I don’t think I can handle it. I am so tired today. Yesterday, I had taken stuff to go to the bathroom and it started working soon after I got home from the restaurant. I was in the bathroom at least until 1 or 2 am. Then when I got up this afternoon, I went again. I feel like I all I’ve been doing is shitting my brains out. I won’t be taking senna tonight with my night meds. That will be too much.

I am feeling like absolute crap. The depression isn’t helping one bit. Tomorrow is Easter and I really don’t want to spend time with my family. I rather just stay in my room all day. I don’t want to interact with anyone. My mother was just annoying me today. I know part of it is that I don’t feel well. But she really was just being so annoying. While we were having dinner, there was a bowl in front of the TV and then she is wondering why she couldn’t turn it on with the remote. I moved the bowl and manually turned it on because she kept on bitching about why wasn’t it working. Not like she pays attention to the TV so I have no idea why the fuck she wants it on. Pisses me off.

I had the cole slaw with dinner and it was terrible. It tasted really bad. I will not be buying it again. This is the second time I bought it and didn’t like it. I don’t know if it was because it was the Stop and Shop brand or what. My mother will be making soup tomorrow. I had bought celery so I can put it in my tuna sandwich. I wanted the cut up one but it was like $4 for a small container whereas the stalk bunch was half that. My mother usually cuts it up and freezes it anyway. She freezes everything.

I got to lay down again. I can’t sit up anymore. Pain is too much. Fucking hate this shit. I hope it is better tomorrow but I doubt it. It usually takes a week or two to recover from this muscle strain. I am so mad at myself for doing this. Now I know I can’t sweep or mop floors.

my aching back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My aching back

My lower back was really sore today. I mostly stayed in bed. I had some tea and crumpets for breakfast. I didn’t feel like having anything else. I went back to bed as there was no way I was going to be able to go out. I was too sore.

I wanted to wake up when the baseball game started. Today is Opening Day. I woke up to my phone ringing. It was my best friend calling to tell me there was an inside the park home run. Fuck and I missed it. I saw replays of it. It was awesome. The Sox were up 3-0 but would lose 6-4 in the bottom of the 8th inning. Relief pitching is going to be a problem. They had walked four batters, and the ump didn’t help as he narrowed the strike zone. I hate when umps do that.

I made some hot dogs for dinner. My back was really hurting. I put some heat on it and that didn’t help. My brother in law gave me some lidocaine patches so I have one on now. I hope it helps. I need to renew my T-pass tomorrow. I also want to get my haircut. I don’t care if I go to Starbucks tomorrow or not. Depends on how I feel. I hate feeling so crummy. I need to take a shower. Maybe I will in the morning. My Barber shop doesn’t open till 1030 or 11 tomorrow. That will be a good time for me to shower and the go to the Square.

I took my night meds so I hope to be sleeping by the time I finish my blog. I really don’t want to do anything. I am really sleepy after my nap. My sister had come up and said I didn’t have to make muffins because she bought a lot of desserts for Easter. Tough. I already bought the stuff so need to make them. If I don’t make them tomorrow, I will make them Saturday. I still need to print off the recipe. I got it from King Arthur Flour, I think. I will bring a couple to my therapist on my Monday and my barbers, too.

Last night, I was feeling really suicidal. Pain was making me crazy, between my back and my foot/ankle. I started writing in the draft blog I started a few weeks ago. I just added to it. I don’t know if I am going to publish it or not. It was kind of a revelation when I first created it.

I have decided to restart baclofen at 10 mg at night. I was getting bad cramping in my leg last night. I hope it is not because the CRPS is spreading up my leg. It was really depressing me because I have no idea who to see to talk to about it. My PCP is useless. I was going to try and make an appt with the new neuro but I didn’t feel like dealing with aggravation today. I will try tomorrow. Meds are kicking in so I will write to ya later.

at a complete loss

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

At a complete loss

I had requested my medical records from the pain clinic to see what they said about me. Mostly I wanted to see if they got things right and then see what else the fellow wrote. Basically, they don’t want to treat me because of excuse after excuse in opioid therapy. They really didn’t offer much in ways of treatment, other than to continue with PT (don’t see that happening if my pain is not controlled!)

I feel defeated. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I will tell her I plan on seeing an assisted suicide doctor. I don’t see what choice I have. I do have my second appt with the pain clinic but at this point, why bother? They aren’t going to do anything to help me. It says as much in their notes. I am not idiot.

I got my medical insurance invoice. The premium is now over $200 I have to pay every month. Just lovely. I knew it would be as my medical (not including vision and dental) is $198. Unfortunately, I need this in order to pay for my prescriptions.

I know my family and friends and bloggers will miss me. I wish I could stay. I just can’t bear the pain anymore. I was up and down stairs all day because we had the plumbers here to fix the shower. I also had to tell my mother what they were saying because she is hard of hearing. Even though I took a nap, I feel like shit. My ankle and foot are so damn angry at me because I took a shower. I had to. I haven’t had one all week! This is getting ridiculous. I was used to shower every other day. Now it’s maybe twice a week. Yeah, my quality of life is so good. Maybe I should cash in my pension from the hospital so my family won’t have to worry about funeral expenses. I know how hard it was when my father passed. We had a whopping few hundred dollar inheritance after all was said and done. Think I bought groceries with mine. I live the life. HAHA.

I know my psychiatrist is going to put up a fight with me. I am not looking forward to it. I hate arguing with her. But she is for life. She has done her best to keep me alive all these years. Just wish other doctors were as dedicated. She has been my biggest supporter, even when I thought there was nothing left for me do, as I have many times before. This time feels different. I don’t know when. I think I shall start the process of getting my pension and once I have it, pay off all my debts then give the remainder to my sister to “hold” for me. I know what a pain it will be to access my accounts once I am gone. It was hell just to write a check when my father passed.

Pain and feeling blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up nearly every hour from 330-630. I was in pain but I was too sleepy to turn over to take my meds. Then by the time 0630 hit, I was really hurting so I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I was feeling kind of blah and didn’t really want to do anything. It was cold out so I took my meds and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I got up around 1130. My ankle was throbbing. I knew I should have something to eat but I didn’t know what to make. An hour or so later, I decided to order something.

After I ate, I went back to my room and holy pain! My foot turned into a block of ice and was so painful. I was feeling really down. I wanted to call PT to let them know I was not going back but I wanted to nap. I laid down and within fifteen minutes, my damn ankle bone went berserk. I decided to take the strong pain pill as I didn’t know what else to do and I couldn’t take my regular med for a few hours.

Today is the 17th anniversary of getting Cauda Equina Syndrome. I had lost feeling in my feet and had foot drop. My left leg was also numb. I was 25 and couldn’t walk or stand. It was a very difficult time. I had no idea if I would regain the use of my leg and it took months to walk unassisted. I was lucky that it was caught early and I did regain some mobility. I wasn’t 100% but that was okay. The shock of it is still with me to this day, made worse by being disabled by another condition that could have been because of the Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have no idea if it was or if I would have developed CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, anyway. I still feel sad that I am no longer able to walk far like I once did. Even walking a block or two is difficult some days.