Tag: hopelessness

ping pong Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ping Pong Friday

I had a late appointment with my pain doc today so I did a few errands before it. I got my haircut, went to Starbucks to fuel up because I was starving, and then went into Boston to fix my glasses as the nosepad was broken. That took only a few minutes and I told her I was having trouble reading so I set up an appt with the eye doc for next week to check my eyes. I am still covered should there be a prescription change.

I then hung out in the lobby until it was time for my appt. I had to pick up my script for my pain meds so I did that and then wrote in my journal. I felt like I lost a best friend as I hadn’t had time to write in some time. It felt so good to write a couple of pages. I need to bring another journal as I have about 10 pages left. I have plenty so I don’t need to buy one.

I was extremely nervous for my appointment. A medical student came in and took a brief history as to why I was there. Then the doc came in and he said he didn’t know what to do for me. Excuse me? You need to write me a script for the medication you agreed to put me on. Then he said his clinic doesn’t do that. YOU ARE A FUCKING PAIN CLINIC, What the fuck do you mean you don’t do that!!??? He said he was just a consultant and that the primary would write it. Oh my fucking god. I have barely enough pain meds to last me the weekend as I can’t fill them till Sunday. He said he would email my PCP and HE would get back to me. Okay, asshole. I vowed never to go back there for anything. The whole place is a fucking joke.

I leaving fuming mad. I put Pearl Jam on as it is the only music to keep me from killing someone at that point. I look at the current pain meds and the bastard was right, I can’t fill it till Sunday. I think I will have enough until then as long as I don’t flare. I go on the train and no seats are available so I stand the whole way, barely listening to the music in my ears.

I get off at my stop, go across the street to get some slices of pizza and fries because that is what I wanted for dinner goddamn it. I placed my order and as I was waiting a restricted number calls my phone. I answer and it is the pain doc’s office. The asshole said he would prescribe as he talked with my PCP. I am to pick up the script on Monday. Wonderful but that doesn’t help me this weekend for pain meds!!! And that will mean going to the same hospital Monday for the script and then Tues to see my chickenshit PCP.

I am so fucking frustrated. I counted my meds and I barely have enough to get me through Monday. This is because I don’t have a 28 count of meds. I have a 21 day supply of meds even though I am supposed to have a 28 day. If I have a flare later or this weekend, I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t go more than 8 hours without meds as I will go through withdrawal. Been there, done that, not fun. Even with the new medication, I have no idea if I will have withdrawal from what I am currently taken because I have never stopped it before for another med. I didn’t have a chance to ask about this because the asshole didn’t want to deal with me. I know technically, I should be okay because the same opiate receptors will be having the new med but I don’t know. How can you go from 12 years being on one drug to a new drug and still have the brain be happy??? We’re not talking ibuprofen for Tylenol here, same result, different pathways.

I have four appointments next week. I was really hoping to try this new med tonight to see if I could be functional come Monday. Now that is all fucking messed up. My PT won’t be happy if I cancel. I could possibly reschedule my chickenshit PCP appt. I really don’t know why I need to see him anyway other than to slap him silly for doing this to me. Only has taken NINE fucking months to get to where I am right now, and I still have to wait till Monday to have a change in meds. NINE FUCKING MONTHS of back and forth. Jumping through hoops left and right. All the while planning my suicide because I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t fathom going on in this amount of pain day after day on the meds I was taking that was only putting in a dent on the pain. It helped but I had to keep myself loaded every six fucking hours and then take a breakthrough med that lasted only four fucking hours. I only have enough to last me until Monday if I don’t flare. If I flare, Monday I will have zip. I am trying to figure out what kind of pain med schedule to be on until Monday. Severe pain doesn’t stop with one pill. Fuck if it did, I would only be taking one pill every couple of hours. But I need two and frankly, more than two doses aren’t going to last me. Panic is high, which I am trying to calm myself because that can send me into flare mode.

I am supposed to go to a cousin’s vending place tomorrow. I don’t know how much standing/walking will be had. I still don’t know if I will flare later tonight because of all that I did today. I am so mad that I left his office only for a half hour later for him to call me. Like what the fuck. I shouldn’t have left until he called right then and there. I emailed my psychiatrist about all this. She won’t get it until next week as she is on vacation. If she was around, I would call her. So between being pinged to my pain doc back to my pcp back to pain doc back to pcp, I am now back to pain doc to get my pain hopefully under some control. Who knows, maybe I can put my plan off if it works out.

random thoughts 07062018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was up late last night. I was talking to a friend who was concerned about me. I didn’t tell her specifically what I was going through. But it was getting late and I let her know that I will talk to her sometime today. She said okay.

I then got a message from another Twitter buddy saying some friends have contacted him over their concern for me. I had told him months ago what I was planning so he knew. He said I was important to him. I told him he was important to me, too. I didn’t say more than that.

I went downstairs and made coffee. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat. I ended up making a peanut butter sandwich. Afterwards, I took out the recycle and trash. I was feeling okay but the bins were on the street so I had to do some walking back and forth. By the time I was done, my foot yelled at me. I limped upstairs. There was one more bag of recycle to take out. I wasn’t going to do it, least not then. I went up to my room and even though I checked off that I took my pain meds, I didn’t. I took them and tried to nap but my foot wasn’t having it.

I am hurting a great deal because of the trash. I had taken a shower so I am sure that just stressed me without realizing it. I am so tired of being in pain. I am trying not to freak out over tomorrow. Tomorrow I see the pain doc and I hope my pain meds will be changed. My PCP has written my current meds which I will pick up tomorrow before the appointment should the pain doc not prescribe or if there is a problem filling them at the pharmacy so I will have meds over the weekend. I am seeing the pain doc late so by the time I get home, and if there is a problem, I won’t be able to fix it until Monday, which will leave me with no meds.

I wanted to write a blog last night but nothing was coming to me. I had woken up around 1500 so there wasn’t much to talk about. I had written a blog around 0600. I don’t know why blogging is becoming so hard for me. I guess it is hard when there is no feedback and I feel like I am just throwing the words out but no one is reading. There may be a few who read the blog for the day but no comment or like. I don’t think I got a like on my blog since last week. This blog is just an outlet for me but lately, I just say the same things. Pain, routine, end of blog.

There was a wonderful facebook post about Kate Spade. She is the fashion bag designer that died by suicide the other day. The write wrote about how she knew this actor had cancer and the type it was and listed a few people with other chronic illnesses, but you don’t hear about people with depression or anxiety or schizophrenia. No one wants to hear that. Everyone seems to judge them on their character, saying if you are this then you can’t be depressed or anxious or have a serious mental illness. Stigma kills so many people who want to get help yet are afraid about how they will be perceived after they have or even to admit they have a mental illness.

My blog started off as a way to talk about suicide because no one was. It is a daily struggle for me but I have stopped because there are people out there who don’t understand or are fearful about it so they report me. I had it happen on Twitter the other day. Just because someone says they are thinking about ending their lives doesn’t mean they are going to right then and there. Talk to them about it. Be there for them. Don’t make them feel more crazy than they are already feeling. Be a support to them and if need be, go with them to get help. Admitting you have a problem is only half the battle. I know so many people who have serious issues and the one thing holding them back is fear of how they are going to be perceived by others. Fuck them. You need help, get it. Simple as that. If the first person you talk to you don’t like or doesn’t fit with you, try someone else. I went through so many therapists to find the right one. And even though the therapist I see now is not right for me, he is good enough. Yes, rejection hurts. I have been rejected by so many therapists because of my suicidal history it is not funny. But I didn’t let that stop me from finding the one I am with now. If the psychiatrist you are with doesn’t help you, there are others. Find them. I know it’s not easy and you think you are hopeless, but you are not. That is the depression lying to you. Too many families go through heartbreak because one member doesn’t seek help they need. Take the step. There are resources out there. Check out NAMI or Google a search for therapists in your area. Talk to your primary doctor about how you are feeling and that you need help. They can often refer you to someone. Or call your insurance and find out who is accepting new patients. Ask how recent the list is because most therapists (as I found out) are not always seeing new patients as the list is old and hasn’t been updated in years.

really crappy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Really crappy Monday

I didn’t think I was going to write today. Pain has been up and down all day. I went out but didn’t stay out too long. I just went to the post office to mail my postcards. I took my meds early and then tried to settle down but my mood changed real quick to suicidality. I put some more thought into my plan. And my blog. I think I am going to have a day off and it will be Monday, unless I feel like writing that day.

I had another rough night of pain. It was in three places. By 1 am, I was just taking pills left and right. I didn’t care. I didn’t do anything to cause myself harm. But I was just counting down the minutes to my next dose. How is this living?? I swore I was going to call my pain doc but I was so set on just going to the post office today, that I just forgot. I basically just woke up, used the bathroom, got dressed and caught the bus. I had to come back to the house though because I forgot my wallet. I nearly knocked over the fake plants in the stairway as I had my backpack on. I didn’t think to take it off. I was just so focused to get this one thing done and then come back home. It totally exhausted me. I was supposed to watch the basketball game tonight with my nephew but I told him I couldn’t. I hurt too much, physically and mentally.

My mother made stir fry but over cooked everything. I didn’t like it. I ate some of it because I wanted the rice to help my bowels. They have been loose today for some reason. I didn’t hold the senna so I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I ordered my groceries in my midnight wonderings. They will be delivered sometime on Wednesday. I will have the pulled pork again with Portuguese rolls. Least I hope I will. I hope the driver isn’t late like he was last month.

I hate being so damn tired and can’t sleep. Trump royally pissed me off. I’m getting the slight feeling he had something to do with 9/11. There is absolutely no way to prove it though. Could just be my crazy pain driven mind. There was just something I read today that had me thinking about it. I won’t say what as the stuff it out there. He is more concerned about his fucking hotels than the US government. Typical tyrant. Can’t wait till they take him away, in cuffs. Mueller has to work quickly but I understand that he wants (like the rest of us that aren’t drinking his Fox kool aid) a solid case that won’t be shattered. I doubt I will be alive for it to happen. I feel so suicidal today and can’t really talk about it because people can’t hear me out without freaking out. I am sure just saying the “S” word has already panicked some readers.

If some whacko didn’t call the cops on me a few years ago, I could freely talk about how I feel. Now I feel scared to do so. Now I just write offline or in password protected posts, which I do so rarely. Psychache is hurting so bad today, worst than my worst CRPS pain. I have no idea why today is so bad. It just hit me all at once while I was trying to nap. I think I am just so tired of feeling miserable and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I canceled therapy and my therapist doesn’t care. He doesn’t question why I cancel like my past therapists have. My psychiatrist never responded to my email about meeting after she canceled on me last week. I am tired of putting in the effort and not seeing results. I am better off doing things on my own anyways. There are a lot of self help things online. It can be overwhelming when you feel like crap. Today I did my one thing (going to the post office and having something to eat with my espresso). That was enough for me today. Now I can crash. I wish I could do more but that was enough. My sister bought tickets for a movie that I really want to see, a comedy called The Book Club. We are going to see it tomorrow night. I think that will be good. I haven’t laughed in a really long time, other than the funny dog or cat videos I see. I can’t remember the last movie I saw, probably the Rim. I really want to see Jurassic World. I think it is out sometime next month. I have seen two of the three Jurassic movies. I like them. I wanted to buy the trilogy but it sold out before I could buy it. I am sure Amazon will have it again.

going out fail

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going out fail

I woke up around 9. I had about 6 hours of sleep so that was good. I was feeling okay so decided I would go out. I showered and brushed my teeth. My mother was going over my aunt’s because she was going to Walgreens with her. I am glad she is going out. She needs to as I am sure being stuck in the house sucks every day.

I had taken my phone off the charger when it was fully charged last night and I was at less than 50% because I had messages. I hate when that happens. I put it on the charger after I took my shower for a little bit. I had an extra power cord so I could charge it when I got to Starbucks. I got dressed, grabbed my cup, and left for the bus stop.

When I got to the Square and started towards Starbucks, my ankle started hurting. It was crowded in the store but I found a seat. I got my breakfast and espresso. The pain didn’t get better so after I finished eating, I decided to check the strawberries at the grocery store then go home. I missed the bus and the next the one wasn’t for another half hour so I had some time to kill. The strawberries were expensive. I got a wrap for lunch and then went to see my barber to see if he had my dish. He didn’t have customers so went to his house to get the dish. I waited and met the fill in guy. He seemed nice. My barber came back and I gave him my number so he could call when he wanted the casserole again. He said thanks and I went to the bus stop. My ankle was really smarting. I could barely walk home. I struggled up the stairs and was saying to myself that this story is never going to get written. I was feeling hopeless again because pain has taken so much from me. Now it’s affecting my writing (not blog related). Just sucks because I really like writing and I know this story will be good if it ever gets out of my head. Maybe I can use this POS to write it out when I get the chance.

I threw caution to the wind last night and bought a new laptop. It was within my price range, has 8 GB RAM and a 1TB hard drive or SSD, whatever you want to call it. It comes in on Friday and I also ordered Office 2016. It takes a little getting used to but I like it and think I have figured it out. It is similar to 2013, which was what I had before, but the saving of a document or other files is different. I think it has too many clicks. The new laptop weighs about 5 pounds, which isn’t too bad. This POS weighs around 2 and is really light. I am kind of worried with the delivery as I am not going to be home but soon as the shipper gets it, I am going to see if they can change the time/date so I will be home.

My lower leg is throbbing so bad. I am listening to Cam to try and distract. I am going to have my lunch pretty soon. My mother is making pork chops for dinner. I am not crazy about it. Last time they tasted funny. I didn’t get sick so I guess it was just the taste of the pork.