Tag: hopelessness

a tired blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A tired blog

Every morning this week, I have woken up in some kind of pain. It could be my toes, foot, ankle. Mostly it has been my ankle. I had to get up and take my blood pressure meds. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I am so aggravated. Some days, I will need my strong pain pill to get through the day. But I haven’t left the house in almost a week. I haven’t showered. I want to today. I need to. But I don’t know if I can. I just want to lie down and sleep. I don’t want to do anything else.

I’m going to try and make coffee today. Maybe that will give me some motivation to do what I need to do. I am supposed to go to the post office to mail my former therapist her paperwork that she needs so that she can adjust my bill. I also sent her my new book as she hasn’t purchased it yet. I don’t think she knows how to, to be honest.

My settings on my word doc still are messed up. I tried googling them but all I got was what I am doing. How annoying. Then last night, my screen was making some kind of weird in and out colors. I hope my screen isn’t going like it did the last time. I don’t have money to fix or replace my computer. I know it’s old but it still does its job. I haven’t been on my laptop most of the week. I just have been using my phone or most things. One day, I was so “lazy”, I made a blog post from my phone because I didn’t want to log on to my laptop. I also have been staying off of Twitter as much as possible. If I tweet, I tweet and then I get off the app. There is so much shit going on between Trump and healthcare act, that it’s making me really sad. I honestly don’t know what the new healthcare act covers because there are a ton of shit it doesn’t. I don’t think the GOP thought of it at all. They just hated Obama so much they want to get rid of everything he did that was good for the US. Really sad.

I am really tired though I have a little energy. Maybe I will make some coffee if my mother leave the kitchen. I am not up for conversation. I want to make a bacon sandwich but it will be too much trouble. I really don’t have the energy level for that. I am going to order Chinese food today. I am going to order scallion pancakes because I forgot to order them last time. That is if my ankle will allow me to go down the stairs to get my order. That has been the biggest reason why I haven’t ordered food the past few days. I won’t be able to make it down the stairs. Being in chronic pain really sucks.

My friend’s birthday is coming up. I am thinking of taking him out to the Thai restaurant we always go to. It would be good to see him again. He is 80 years old. You wouldn’t tell as he looks to be about 60. He still gets around and is independent as one can be. I really love him as he is an intelligent fellow. He loves organ music. I have been thinking of writing his biography but I don’t know how to broach the subject. I have never written a biography book before. It would be interesting and a learning experience.

I have been thinking of getting my hair cut again. It’s not too long or anything as it’s been about two to three weeks since my last cut. But I really would like to keep on top of it. I like it when it’s buzzed. I might get it done next week. I hope this tiredness and lack of motivation lifts by then.

no motivation today at all

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No motivation today at all

I woke up congested from allergies and my ankle was being a brat so I took my pain meds and a benedryl. When I woke up, I felt a little better. My mother just got home from shopping so I helped with some stuff. I put the freezer things away first and left the rest for my mother to put away. She is better at organizing the fridge than I am. I then went back up to my room to relax a bit.

I was playing on my phone when a call came in. There has been a lot of spoofing with Massachusetts numbers so I let it go to voicemail. About a minute later, I got a message. Checked and it was the therapist I called on Monday returning my call. He did have a few openings for new clients so he wants to talk to me. I called him back and left a message. The phone tag has begun. I hope it pans out. It would be great to talk with someone again. I just worry about the copay situation because I get paid once a month. I hope he is okay with that, if this pans out.

I tried to go back to sleep after I left a message and my ankle exploded. I became really hopeless. I debated on taking the strong pain pill and did. It helped ease the pain I was in but didn’t help my mood at all. The benedryl wore off so now I am back to being congested. I will take another pill before bed.

My mother noticed that I haven’t left the house in a couple of days. I don’t care. I am debating cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really am in the funk of not wanting to leave the house. I think once I take a shower, I will feel better. I haven’t taken on all week. I keep saying I will take one today but I never do. Tomorrow I have to because I have to see my psychiatrist. If I do see her, maybe I will reward myself with some Thai food. I haven’t had it in a long time.

Waking up in the middle of the night really messed things up for me. I never reheated my pancakes. I just had a bowl of cereal and my mother made spaghetti and meatballs for supper. That’s good because I wanted to order food. I haven’t made coffee in a few days. I just don’t feel like having it. I really feel like I could sleep right now. I am just so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. It has to be the depression making me feel this way. I hate when I have depressions like this. It just sucks and makes me feel completely hopeless about things. I emailed my psychiatrist about feeling this way. I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to ask her for her permission to end my life. I know it sounds stupid and I know that the answer will be no, but I really want to hear her tell me that. I value her opinion on these matters. I just have my voices and myself telling me to end things so it will be good to have her say things opposite to what I am thinking. If that makes sense.

rough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough day

I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.

I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.

So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.

After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.

My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.

dreary day despite the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dreary day despite the sun

I have been in a depressed mood for most of the day. This pain is getting to me in an awful way. Then my settings on my word doc got changed while copying and pasting a blog and I haven’t been able to get them right. I have no idea what I did. I figured out how to fix it but I have to do it on each document. Frustrating. I will google the settings later.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. I also got a bag of chocolates. Then I got reprimanded by the pharmacy tech for not buying the 75% off chocolates. I don’t like Russel Stovers and besides, it not like my foot will allow me to shop. Just ring up my purchase and I will be on my way, thank you. She kept on going on and on until a line formed behind me. Bitch. I usually get along with this person but from now on, I will just use the front registers for my purchases other than meds.

I was sweating by the time I came home so I decided to take a shower. I was risking it but I didn’t care. I needed to shower. I felt better afterwards. As I was coming up the stairs, my phone was ringing. My sister had called me. I called her back and she said she was with my mother at the hospital to get her foot checked out. As they were going to the car, she noticed my mother was off and looked hypo. Sure enough, her sugar was 31. It took a little bit to get her sugar back up to normal. So my sister had to stay another two hours at the hospital. She wanted me to feed her daughter. I was hungry myself as I had nothing to eat all day, so I made us some eggs.

I got a craving for ice cream so I put it on my grocery order for tomorrow. I tried to keep it under $100 but I never seem to be able to do this. I was able to get a $5 off my order though, so that is something. I had to get my bacon because both my mother and I like it so much. She cooks it more than I do but she leaves a few pieces of it for me. I haven’t been able to make my bacon sandwiches because of the pain I have been in. I am going to try this weekend. I just need one thing to make me feel like a human again. Even if I end up in bed the rest of the weekend, at least I tried. I haven’t been able to make my pancakes. That is a bummer for me because I love pancakes and I am usually full for the rest of the day.

This talk about food is making me hungry again. If my foot wasn’t hurting, I’d go to the sub shop and get a pastrami sub. I hate not being able to walk. It really sucks! I’m going to rummage through the freezer to see if there are hot dogs. I stole some bread from my sister’s place as we are out right now. My mother hasn’t done her food shopping in a while so we are down to the bare necessities.