Tag: hopelessness

suffering once again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Suffering once again

I woke up from a weird dream and had to use the bathroom. My foot exploded soon as I came back to room. I had to call my PCP to make an appointment to see what can be done for my pain but the office wasn’t open yet. I took my regular pain meds and waited a half hour. When I finally got through to my PCP’s office, he didn’t have any openings for this week. So I get to see him next week to discuss my pain. I emailed my psych and let her know. She was worried about me as she called me late last night because I didn’t answer the email she sent me.

I got a week before my appointment. It’s in the early morning so that is going to be fun. I don’t do well in early morning appointments but it was the only one that he had so I took it. I’ll just try and load up on caffeine before the appointment.

I am feeling pretty low so I am just going to stay in bed most of the day. I don’t care. I do have to go to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I can pick them up in the afternoon. My foot is too sore to make a trip outside right now. I just took a Benadryl to get back to sleep. I’m still debating on taking a strong pain pill, but I will hold off for now. I might take it later this afternoon after my nap if it’s still throbbing.

feeling frustrated due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling frustrated due to pain

I had another flare up of pain. I had touched the area that hurts and then while climbing into bed, I must have put too much pressure on my ankle. I got so frustrated and immediately felt suicidal so I emailed my psychiatrist that I was done but I didn’t want to go to the hospital. She felt like I needed to be and wanted me on a med/psych unit where she works. We have been talking about this for weeks and I still haven’t been admitted to this unit so I was ticked off that she suggested it yet again. I didn’t respond to the email and I am not going to.

Before dinner, I took a strong pain pill. Well it’s not several hours later and it wore off so I had to take another one. I haven’t moved my bowels since Friday. I took some fiber pills and magnesium to help move things along. It’s getting harder for me to have a movement. Got to love constipation.

I just feel like I am telling people about my pain but instead of them being understanding or being sympathetic, I am getting why not do this or that. That isn’t what I want to hear right now. It’s not what I need to hear.

Saturday Blog 75

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 75

I just had a frustrating conversation with my mother. She wants me to go to a specific hospital because they are “bone specialists”. I told her I went there before and they didn’t help me. She thought I was bullshitting her. I am so fucking mad. She doesn’t understand this is a pain syndrome and nothing can be done for it. Then my sister says I should walk more. Really?? I can barely make it to Walgreens and back without problems during a flare up and that is a SHORT fucking walk. So glad I have such a supportive family.

I finally took a shower at like 5 this morning. I was up and pain was minimal so I took a quick one. I went back to sleep for a few hours after taking some Neurontin. I tried to sleep it off but it wasn’t going to happen. I made coffee and had some muffins my mother made for breakfast. I felt like I was drunk and I have been up since. Then my ankle flared up again so I had to take the strong pain pills. I didn’t want to because it was early in the day but I was in severe pain. Then my leg started cramping which set off my PTSD anxiety. Just fucking lovely. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I still haven’t taken a damn nap though I want to so bad. I got a migraine that is killing me and I won’t be taking the Zoloft again tonight. I can’t take it because there could be an interaction with my migraine meds.

I am so damn frustrated and just want to die. I was writing in my journal last night till around 3 in the morning. I wrote my frustration of not being able to make an attempt last week because I wasn’t sure if the pills were going to kill me or just make me sick. I was suicidal again last night as I was writing and then I wrote an angry rant to my psychiatrist that I wrote in my journal. It had a little more to it as I wrote more as I was writing it out. Then I tweeted what I wrote but didn’t allow it to be posted to Facebook. I didn’t want my family to read what I posted. Not that they would as it was so early in the morning but I didn’t want someone calling my sister telling them I was suicidal again. I still don’t know what “friend” called my sister that time I was posting Pearl Jam lyrics. Pisses me off that they would go through her rather than talk to ME directly.

I wanted to contact my psych today but I don’t want to bother her. She has a three day weekend so I don’t want to disturb her. It would just be a check in but I am not feeling like talking after the frustration of my family. I still so want to attempt to kill myself but I don’t have the means and that frustrates me. Maybe I will go to a state that sells firearms without a background check or is willing to sell firearms to mentally ill people as they are revoking that background check, thank you, Congress! Not that I know how to operate a firearm, but I am sure I can get instructions. If a toddler can fire one, I am sure I can.

I’m ordering pizza and fries for dinner tonight. I have been craving pizza all day. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. I blame all the Neurontin that I have been taking for these cravings. My vision is starting to be affected because of the migraine so I will stop here.

got out of the house

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Got out of the house

I woke up earlier than I thought as the house was quiet so I thought my mother had left the house. Then I started hearing the god forsaken sound of dice hitting the glass table top and I was wrong. It was 0815. I thought about hurrying to catch the 0822 bus but I just woke up and didn’t feel like rushing. I ended up taking the 0950 bus so I could wake up properly and use the bathroom.

I made it to Starbucks, even though the bus hit nearly every single stop getting there. I guess I was in an annoyed mood today because I was hungry. My appetite hasn’t been great the past few days. I have literally just been having one meal and coffee to decrease my appetite. Anyways, my favorite cashier was at the register and didn’t charge me for my espresso. Score. I got my sandwich free because I had a reward. I had my sandwich and played with my phone. I can’t stand being on Twitter anymore because it just talks about the Orange Blunder and his antics, which so annoys me. If they aren’t talking about him, they are talking about his cabinet or SCOTUS pick. I fear this country is doomed for the next four years. Least I won’t know about it as my time here is limited. Pretty soon, if all goes well, all that will remain are these blogs.

After eating my sandwich, I started writing in my journal. I updated it and wrote of my fears of my plan. I seriously have to make preparations that go beyond just writing my will. My friend would like some clothing of mine so I will be sending it to her next week. She had a breakdown the last time we video chatted. It was difficult to see her cry. But since I have become a robot, I didn’t share the feelings she was feeling. I guess that is good that my emotions have been cut off due to medication because otherwise, I think I would be a lunatic.

I need to take a shower but my foot and ankle flared up soon as I took off my sock as I was changing into my PJs. I might take it tomorrow morning if I wake up early enough before heading to my psych appointment. I am nervous about this appointment because it could be the last time I see my psych, if she allows my shenanigans, which she usually doesn’t. She has always been straight and to the point kind of doctor. One of the many reasons why we get along so well.

My therapist friend got back to me this morning and gave me a name for therapy. I Googled her and found that she actually specializes in suicidality. I was shocked to read that on her profile. Maybe if I survive my attempt, we might work out if she is accepting new clients. I kind of sort of want to get in contact with her now to see how she is so that I won’t be disappointed if she isn’t accepting new clients. She is in Harvard Sq. so she is accessible to me, though the walk can be a challenge. We’ll see how it goes. If she isn’t accepting clients maybe she knows someone else that does.

I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I left the house. Then while I was at Starbucks, an Adele song came on so I switched to her album as I really haven’t listened to her music since I bought her latest album. I really love Adele, though I think her album 21 is better than her current one. There are some songs on 25 that I like and others that are okay.