Tag: hopelessness

frustrating psych appointment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Frustrating psych appointment

I met with my psychiatrist this afternoon. We talked about my therapist and we both agreed she is avoiding me for whatever reason. My psych has tried to get in contact with her but they are playing phone tag. I was feeling really down while meeting with my psych and felt hopeless about therapy, the whole process of seeing someone new, etc. I just got annoyed because she kept on wanting me to try different approaches and I knew that once a new therapist found out my suicidal history, I would be referred to someone else, who would refer me to someone else and that is how the game is played. I am done playing the game. So my psych wanted me to text my therapist to call the new therapist that I picked out and see if there can be some way to talk to the new one. After I left her office, I did that. I don’t know how good it will do as my therapist is not in the office until Monday, which is when I wanted to text her, but we’ll see. I am not hopeful about it.

I left the office feeling like I wanted to jump off a bridge. But I am afraid of heights so I doubt that will happen. I don’t think my psychiatrist realizes I only have a few weeks left before I try something. I won’t be meeting with her in Feb. There is no way in hell that is going to happen. I don’t know what kind of excuse I will give but I am not seeing her. I bought my supplies that I needed to try to take my life in a couple of weeks while I was at Walgreens.

I didn’t sleep until after 0530 this morning and then it was only about 4 hours of rest that I got. I needed coffee badly. I caught the next bus going to the Square so I could have my espresso and a frappucino. Getting the frappucino completed my stars dash of 150 stars reward. I now have two free beverages or sandwiches. Sweet. I will probably use it Monday if there isn’t a snow storm. I am really tired. I came home and had a burrito that I bought while waiting for the next bus. My foot is acting up. My mother had me empty the dishwasher and the dishes in the strainer. I didn’t mind as she was cooking and I knew her back was hurting her. She finally realized that she does have shingles so is taking the medication for it. I just hope I don’t catch it.

I’m hoping to pass out soon from my pain meds. I will take some Ativan if I am not out in an hour. I need sleep. I didn’t tell my psychiatrist about my sleeping difficulties last night, though I did feel like paging her around 0430 when I was still up. I didn’t page her as I knew I would be seeing her. I am back to being in a lot of pain, though not as severe as I was last night/ this morning. I have the weekend to crash. I am anxious though. I feel like I am betraying my psychiatrist by not telling her my plans, though she kind of knows them. I was frank with her in the letter I sent her a few weeks ago. I didn’t give her a date, just the month I plan on doing the deed.

My psychiatrist wants me to stay in touch, even though I will see her next week, again. I asked her if she really wanted to see me, and she did, though she playfully said no at first. I wish it was a serious no. I would have felt more relieved.

A Day of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A Day of Pain

Yesterday my ankle gave out on me and it was very painful all night. I woke up around 0230 in pain and then I stayed up will around 0430 or so when the pain meds made me sleepy. I don’t remember the time I woke up this morning. It must have been around 0930 because I heard my mother go down the stairs to go to my aunt’s house. I was still in pain so I took more pain meds and then made breakfast. My mother had bacon and I made some scrambled eggs with cheese on toast. My sister was home from her mini vacation so I went downstairs to make my coffee. She said that she had a gift for me. It was an I love Aruba hat. It was cool. My foot started screaming at me so I went back upstairs to my room for it to quiet down. Except it never did.

Around noon time or maybe there after, I took some more meds and made lunch. My foot was really giving me fits. I ate quickly and then went back to my room where my foot then decided to explode. I was started to feel hopeless and just wanted to fucking die. I became suicidal and contemplated calling my psychiatrist. I didn’t know if she would call me back right away so I left that as my last option. I took my strong pain pill. And hoped to fall asleep. I laid down and my pain increased. I sat back up and wanted to cry.

The drowsiness of the meds wore off and by then it was supper time. I had some soup my sister made. It was good. And now I am hurting again because I went downstairs to her apartment and then back up the stairs to my room.

My mother went to the doctors today because she had some redness on her breast that was warm and hurting her. It turned out to be shingles. Except she doesn’t think it’s shingles because “she knows her body”. I know she is going to take one dose of the medication they gave her, it is not going to “work”, and she is going to stop taking it. I just hope I don’t get it because I touched the spot that was hurting her. I am going to call my doctor’s office tomorrow to see if I should get the shingles vaccine.

I had one of the books that I sent out returned to me today. I had put the wrong address for my cousin. I had the street right, just the number of her apartment building wrong. So I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail it to her. I am sure she is wondering where the hell the book is. I will send it out priority mail so she gets it sooner. I just hope tomorrow I am not in a lot of pain like I am today.

The pain is ridiculous today. I can’t move my toes because if I try, I will be in horrendous pain. Nothing can touch my foot. I am just fucking miserable. I am just glad I ate today as I barely ate yesterday. My PTSD was activated today because of the pain so that was fun. I had to take some Ativan to calm down. It helped with the suicidal urges I was feeling, too. My tolerance for the pain was way low today. I couldn’t bear it at all. It was driving me crazy. I tried to distract myself from it but I just didn’t have the energy to. I had used most of my energy last night as I tried to sleep. It wore me out so much so I am not surprised my pain tolerance was zero today.

My therapist got back to me late last night. Her schedule is “packed” so she doesn’t have a time for me, yet. She is “working” on it. I haven’t heard from her today and I doubt I will tomorrow. So there goes another week without therapy. I gave her an ultimatum, saying that if she didn’t give me a time, we were basically done. She is willing to talk to me but she needs to find a time to do it. I emailed my psychiatrist like at 4 in the morning while I was up to explain the situation because after my therapist texted me, I broke down again. I don’t think that helped my pain levels. If I had the impulsivity, I would seriously try to end my life tonight. But I don’t. I want to die but I don’t have the means. Fucking sucks. I will in a few weeks though. Then I will be out of my misery for good.

agitated, hot, and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, hot, and irritable

It’s 11 degrees out but it’s like 90 in my room. I have turned down the heat some but the radiator still kicks on because it is so cold out. I tried opening my window but it wouldn’t budge. I will have to see if my brother in law can open it as he shut it last when he took my AC out of it. I just need some cold air because I am frying like an egg. I hate being hot. It makes me irritable!

I was talking with a friend tonight because I was having some mental difficulties. She couldn’t help because she didn’t know how. I rather her say that than say stupid things. It just annoys me. I got really agitated because the voices were loud and I couldn’t quiet them down. My pain is through the roof, which isn’t helping matters. Trying to get the window open did it no favors either.

Am I really that difficult for people to get what I am saying and try to help me? Even my therapist doesn’t know how to help me anymore, and she has had professional training. I just don’t get it. It makes me annoyed and also makes me feel hopeless. I think the only person that really gets me is my psychiatrist. She gets the pain that I am in and the depression and psychosis. She understands me. So why can’t other people??

I think I am going to send the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist to her. See what she thinks. I know I will be walking a fine line because the letter is very suicidal. She doesn’t know that I have made out my will. Actually, no one knows except the blog world now. I think I wrote it before I wrote my psychiatrist that letter. I see her on Friday so I think she knows that I won’t be doing anything between now and then without talking to her about it first. She has a lot of trust in me and I would be an idiot to try something and lose that trust.

Thing is, if I send the letter, she will know my suicide date and that might be a problem for me. I still am thinking about going through with my plans. I know that I might lose her trust but if I am dead, that won’t matter much to me. If I don’t succeed, then there is a huge problem. I will be screwed if I live. That’s why I got to make sure that what I take, will indeed kill me.

Wow, for the first time all day, my ankle and foot are not hurting. I guess all the meds I took have finally worked. Maybe now I can finally catch some zzz’s. I just hope I sleep through the night and not wake up every few hours. That will just suck a lot. I got things to do tomorrow so I can’t be sleeping all day. I sent my friend a pic of my foot while it was flaring. She said it was huge. I said yea and when it really hits the highs, all my veins pop out, which it did a few minutes after I sent the pic. I knew it was going to be aggravating night for sleep once that happened.

Well, if I am going to send that letter, I might as well do it now because I am falling asleep. Later guys and gals.

Pain is at it again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain is at it again

I was talking with a friend of mine late after my babysitting duties were over. I started to fall asleep on her so I told her goodnight. I started to drift off a bit soon as my head hit the pillow. My arm started feeling like spaghetti. My foot was throbbing like someone was beating it with a hammer. I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I took an Ativan for the spaghetti feeling. I had already taken my night time dose of pain meds so I can’t take another dose for at least two hours. Sitting up has already relieved some of the pain.

I feel restless and hopeless. One of my Twitter friends, and I use that term lightly, was in trouble tonight. I tried talking to her but she really just wanted to think about suicide as a way to end her pain. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It got me thinking about my own suicidal feelings. I am about four weeks away from my proposed plan. I don’t know if I am going to go through with it or not. And I don’t know if someone would be able to talk me out of it either. I am feeling really hopeless about things right now. Pain is not helping me think clearly, that I know.

I need to call my friend tomorrow. He has invited me to go south of Boston to meet up with some friends of ours for a school play. I don’t want to go because it just exhausts me and I am in pain the next day or that night into the next day. I just can’t tolerate pain anymore. I really want to see my friends but I don’t want to be in pain. It’s a huge juggling act and I lose out and so do my friends because they want to see me. I feel bad because I am missing out but I got to take care of myself. The more I am in pain, the more my suicidality rises. I just can’t stand it anymore.

After my babysitting duties, I decided to shower. It felt good to be clean again. But I was very cold as there was no heat in the bathroom. Our heater broke before the summer and the replacement doesn’t do a very good job. It’s on for about fifteen minutes and then shuts off. It sucks. My brother in law is stubborn about fixing it. He thinks that is the way it’s supposed to work. You can’t tell him anything.

Okay, I am going to try this thing called sleep again. I hope I succeed. If not, I will be back!