Tag: hopelessness

HOF and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

HOF and other stuff

Today was the induction of several players into the Baseball Hall Of Fame (HOF). Greg Maddux and Joe Torre were among the men being honored. I totally respect Joe Torre because he always has class around baseball and totally respects the game. Although I am a Red Sox fan, I still respect the guy all the years he managed the Yankees. I hope that he becomes the next commissioner of baseball. That will really be good.

I overdosed last night. I kept taking my mood stabilizer until I felt it was enough. Today I am sick and have an awful headache. I researched what the symptoms were of an overdose before I did it and seeing as no one died from it, I figured being sleepy and feeling hungover were okay. My therapist and psychiatrist may not think so, but I am feeling better psychologically. I got the “fuck its” out of my system. Question now becomes do I tell my pdoc what I have done. I have texted my therapist all weekend so she knows what is going on. I am trying to get an appointment with her tomorrow to talk things over. But I don’t know if she still has the time open.

I have been sleeping most of the day and feel the need to lie down every so often. My eyes are kind of dilated so I have been staying in my room so no one notices. I made myself something to eat so my appetite has not been affected. I wish I could say the same for my bowels. They have been hurting me all day. I don’t know if that means that I have to go or not but it’s driving me crazy. I know I haven’t gone in the last few days so tonight I will take a laxative to try and get things moving. I hate feeling uncomfortable. Constipation is a side effect of the meds, not only of what I took, but with the other meds I take.

Despite taking large amounts of the meds, I didn’t sleep very well. Every three hours I was up. It made for a shitty night sleeping. I wasn’t sick when I woke up. I just took more meds to go back to sleep. I knew I wasn’t going to die from what I was taking. I just wanted an escape and it gave me that. It made me forget how I was feeling, least for a little while.

I still am thinking of going in the hospital tomorrow. But I don’t really think it is warranted as I am feeling better. But I will discuss this with my pdoc tomorrow when I contact her. I won’t be telling her what I did or I will be admitted, most likely involuntarily. Thing is I don’t know what to tell her. I sent her a message and I haven’t heard back from her but then she may not check her messages over the weekend. The midnight demons were out Friday night. I basically told her that if something were to happen to me, she wasn’t to blame and she wasn’t a failure. I just ended the message at that. This was before I OD’d.

I so need a cup of coffee. I think that will make my headache go away but it’s too late now for a cup as I will be up all night. I will make it tomorrow morning, that is, if I don’t go out first. I would like to go to Starbucks tomorrow and get a cup. I wish they had my Kati Kati brand. But they are out of it. I could order it, but I don’t have the funds to do so. And I really don’t need another coffee to keep me in the house. I bought their Breakfast blend coffee and when I make it, I don’t leave the house. I have been in the house all weekend. Doesn’t help me when I am so depressed. I am not saying that the overdose cured me of being suicidal but the thoughts have been less since doing it, least the impulsivity of acting on my thoughts. I still want to die but it is less intense than it was on Friday. I still wish I could figure out a gizmo that can swing a 20 lb hammer to smash my skull. My only fear is just knocking me out and surviving. Then I will be stuck with traumatic brain injury which won’t be fun.

I washed my socks today, in preparation for going in the hospital as I don’t have any clean pairs. I doubt I will wear more than one pair as I usually walk around the floor with my slipper socks or slippers. I don’t wear street clothes, though I think you are supposed to. I like wearing my PJs all day. I still am conflicted about going in or not. I know that if I say that I overdosed that will be an automatic admission. But the problem will be that they may take me off the drug and that will be disastrous to me. I don’t plan on overdosing on it but the idiot docs don’t want to take that chance again. I don’t know how I will overdose in the hospital as the nurse watches you take your meds and knows when you don’t take them. Plus the med is a horse pill so trying to sneak it off will be very difficult. It just will be easier if they don’t know what I did. Besides, saying that I will overdose on benedryl is always my back up.

Frustrated beyond frustrated

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was struggling with my suicidal thoughts and was having physical pain on top of it. I think I went to sleep somewhere around 4. But I had a crappy sleep as I was up almost every hour after that. I finally gave up around 10ish. I made myself some breakfast and then my niece came upstairs as she needed to be babysat. She was hungry and like what I made, hard boiled eggs, so I made her one.

Lately I have been thinking of smashing my skull in with a 20lb hammer. I haven’t worked out the logistics of doing so but it’s a thought. I just am so depressed that I just want to die. I thought about overdosing on my mood stabilizer today but the most it would do is make me sleep. I might take some tonight if I don’t fall asleep right away. I don’t care. I texted my therapist saying that I don’t want to talk with her on Tuesday and asked her to please don’t call me. I don’t know if she will honor the cancelation. I still have to talk to my pdoc on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. I sent her an email at like 330 in the morning saying that if something should happen to me, that it isn’t her fault. She is not to blame and she is definitely not a failure. I sent the same message to my therapist via text. I just feel like I have to prepare them for the worse that can happen to me. I know I probably am not in my “right” mind. I have been thinking about going to the ER most of the day but I haven’t packed a bag in case they admit me. And I hate weekend admissions so I think I will stay out of the ER for at least until Monday.

My writing partner emailed me. She wants to know what happened at my pdoc appt as she hasn’t heard from me. I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t think “I am suicidal and I avoided hospitalization” will go over too well. She said that she was going to text me yesterday but never got around to it. I would have been shocked to get a text message from her. We exchanged cell numbers when she came for a visit about a few weeks ago. It was good chatting with her after spending so much time emailing one another for two years now. I just don’t want her to worry. But if I don’t answer the email, she will worry. I will think of something to say. I always do.

I am very tired. I took my mood stabilizer early this afternoon to try and sleep and I was not too successful. I keep thinking about emptying the rest of the bottle. There are only a handful of pills in it. But there has been no documentation that this drug is lethal. You would need mega doses to kill yourself and I don’t have it. I just want to zone out for a few hours or a day or two. Maybe then, it will snap me out of this funk that I am in. Then on the other hand, I want to text my therapist and let her know what I am thinking. But if I do that, then the cancelation will be canceled and I will have therapy on Tuesday. Only way to get out of it will be to go into the hospital on Monday. If I get there early enough, I probably won’t spend all day there. But it all depends on if there is a bed available where I want to go. I just am frustrated by not knowing.

wondering if it was all a dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

wondering if it was all a dream

I took yesterday off from blogging. I was in too much emotional pain to get my thoughts together. I emailed my psychiatrist today to tell her how I was feeling. I see her Friday but my last message to her was about how suicidal I was. I wanted to tell her that has lifted a bit but I still have a profound depression that is rearing its ugly head. I also wanted to let her know I got my fucking menses again. For the past several weeks, I have been dealing with the self-hate of being TG. Now having my menses are just fucking with me and my self-worth. I came pretty close to doing something this time. I had the suicidal impulses and that to me was scary. I didn’t do anything, other than take an extra Ativan to calm down the perturbation/impulsivity. Most of the suicidal thoughts are gone since I started menstruating, which isn’t supposed to happen because I am on pills to stop the fucker. But I still am in tough depression.

So I emailed my psychiatrist and told her, plainly, what was going on. I bet she probably figured out before I did that my suicidal tendencies were due to hormonal shifts. I did tell her the next time it happens, I might not be so lucky. One would think that because I have no job, that writing has become more than a hobby for me, and that I keep myself occupied, I shouldn’t really be depressed. MYTH! I could be deeply depressed even if I was working a full-time job. I know, I have been deeply depressed for years when I was working full-time. Now my writing has taken a little more of a hobby capacity. It has become my livelihood. You could say that I am living because I blog. But after a while, I can’t think of something fresh to write about and the depression hinders my thinking. I panic when this happens. I never know when a depressive episode is going to land me in the hospital. I know my hospitalizations have decreased over the years but I still need one a year, lately. It is just a way for me to recharge my batteries. I hate going in because it sucks waiting in the ER for a long time. I get bored and have to try not to use all the battery on my phone because reception sucks and it drains it all. I usually bring myself to the hospital because I don’t want my family to know. Should I be in the hospital because of this last suicidal episode? I don’t know. I am not feeling like ending my life as much as I did this weekend. My therapist was confused about the texts I sent her. It wasn’t a clear SOS. But then, I always become deceptive when I am suicidal. You can’t kill yourself if a professional knows the 411. Course, if I sent the same message to my pdoc, it probably would have landed me in the hospital. My pdoc doesn’t mess around.

I still wonder why I am still here. I should be dead with how heavy the suicidal thoughts were a yesterday. Course yesterday feels like it was ages ago. I am not saying I lost time. I was fully present throughout the day but now that I have my stupid menses, those heavy thoughts are no longer there and I am wondering if it was all a dream. Every time I get those experiences, I often wonder afterwards, was it a dream. But I know from the texts and blogs I wrote it wasn’t.

My therapist read the therapy and coffee blog that I sent her. She is a little embarrassed about it because I make her sound like a nut job. That wasn’t my intention. I asked her if she wanted me to take it down. She said no because I am free to write whatever I feel like writing. But now I am wondering if I should write a blog about lyrics and therapy. I worked hard on the coffee blog. I would hate to take it down.

psychological pain and goal setting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I was looking over the stats for today and noticed someone read my therapy and therapists blog. For some reason, I thought it was clear that it was for psychology but someone made a comment about physical therapy and I had to go back in and change the title to therapy and therapists (psychological). I still don’t know what made someone think that I was talking about physical therapy.

Been having another rough day with pain, both physical and psychological. It’s a good thing that my therapist is off because it is the weekend or I might have to go the ER, and not for the physical pain. My thoughts have been very dark. I can’t see a future. I feel really bad and I don’t know why. I still want to kill myself. Been thinking about writing a note and some instructions on what to do after my death. I just haven’t done it because I am afraid if I take that step forward there might not be any going back.

If I were to take a psychological pain scale assessment, I am sure I would score pretty high on it right now. Everything in my being hurts. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to write. I wrote a blog the other day on a notepad that is five pages long and I still haven’t typed it up. It is about my therapist and coffee. I typed up a page and a half and then had to stop. It got too tiring to continue. My psychache is unreal and is causing me to think slower than usual. Thing is, even if I were to devise a plan to kill myself, I doubt I would be able to execute it because I have no energy. I am not perturbed enough to go through with it. All I can do is write about how much I am in despair and hope that it will pass. But will it?

All month I have been meaning to change my bedding. So far, I have been successful in cleaning off the “office” side of my bed so I can change the sheets. I figure tomorrow I might be able to finish putting things aside and changing the sheets come Tuesday. That is, if I am not in too much pain. I woke up early this morning in physical pain and I have been miserable all day. I fell back to sleep and woke up really late. Too late to make coffee. I haven’t had a cup of coffee in days. I think Thursday was the last time I had a coffee drink. I am in withdrawal as I keep having a low level headache. I hate when I wake up late in the day. It throws everything off. I hope I can sleep most of the day tomorrow. I really don’t want to do a damn thing, except for maybe going out for coffee. I can make it at home, sure, but that involves work. Granted it would be faster making it at home but I really have to type of the blog and maybe I can do that at Starbucks. I have to set some goals during the day or otherwise I feel defeated and hopeless. But again, it all depends on what my pain levels are like and if I have the motivation to go through with those goals. Right now I am feeling good that I got some stuff off my bed. I just take a one thing off a day, so this way I am not overwhelmed by the entire task. Otherwise I would be stuck in the depression and not be able to do a damn thing. But I don’t feel like going out tomorrow. And I don’t feel like making coffee. So I will just sleep the day away, just take my meds and sleep. Maybe then the pain, both psychological and physical will go down enough for me to face Tuesday.