Tag: hopelessness

Ideas are like Stars

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ideas are like stars

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I am writing this. The name of the album is “Songs from the movie”. She has a song called “Ideas are like stars” so I thought that would be my title tonight.

I had a visit with my writing partner. It really hurt to go out to see her but it was worth it. I have the rest of the week to be on bed rest. I am icing my ankle as it is pretty swollen. After the visit, my father wanted me to help him with something but I was unable to. It was a wasted trip. But at least I made the effort. That really flare up my pain. On the bus ride home, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to walk home the block and half. But I did ok once I started walking. I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t walk. I probably would start crying from despair.

I really have been thinking about my last blog post about DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder. My therapist and I talked about it most of session yesterday because apparently I shifted tones in the blog and I didn’t even notice it. We talked more about it today as I read through the blog last night and didn’t notice any shifting. I read her the blog and it was when I started talking about suicidal gauge that she noticed the shift. It was very subtle, least to me anyway. She thinks that I may have dissociative disorder not otherwise specified because I am so good at it. Even when I am in severe pain, I don’t feel it most of the time because I just block it out of my mind. Like I am doing right now. My ankle is hurting me really bad but only if I focus on it. As long as I treat it as “background noise” it doesn’t bother me. I know I will have to take some pain medication because it is getting to be a 10 soon. There is only so much dissociating I can do before I break down and need to take something.

We did the SSF (Suicidal Status Form) again today to assess where I am at. I am still partly suicidal. She asked about self-hate and I told her I was ugly. That set off a long discussion about how I am not. Also brought about the body image issues that are contributing to my self-hate. I sent her a picture last night of my writing partner and I and she said that I was “adorable”. I thought I looked retarded in the picture. I am guessing we will talk more about this our next session.

Normal people sleep at this hour. But those in chronic pain are up fighting the demons that are keeping them awake. No one knows of this battle. It is kept in silence because no one wants to hear it. Tomorrow when I wake up grumpy for my coffee I will make sure no one is home so I can drink it in peace. People think that because I am in my room all the time I sleep. I hardly do anymore. The pain demons keep me up. It is a battle I face night after night. I am alone.

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.

switch went off…and not in a good way

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Switch went off…and not in a good way

I feel better today but that is likely due to having my menses start. I am not happy about this though I am feeling much better than I was the beginning of the week. I guess you can say the hormone was shift into doomland and the second shift into the light. I swear if this develops into more than discharge, I am going to kill myself or maybe go into the hospital. I can’t, right now anyway, see myself not wearing boxers. The switch (aka menses) always seems to get me back to my senses every time. It kills me and I know as long as it happens, my life is in danger. I can’t be hospitalized because I never know it is because of a hormonal flux. There is no test for it. It usually lasts a few days to a week that I will be horribly suicidal. When I get that way, it hard getting me to try and stick around. My therapist knows to pull out all stops on me to keep me safe. I may act normally, even make plans for the future but I am really trying desperately trying to end my life. But as soon as that first drop of blood happens, poof, all suicidality disappears and all is “normal” again. It is the weirdest thing.

For some reason I cannot seem to read without my glasses on today. Everything appears small without them. Weird.

Apparently my pdoc and I got our times mixed up. Her midday and my midday are not the same. She wanted me to call her at noon while I thought around three. Oh well. We talked and chatted about what was going on. She wants me to call her if I change my mind about the hospital and I will see her on Monday. She said my blog was written “quite eloquently” and couldn’t see the reason why my therapist wanted her to read it. I think she missed the part of the skipping the abilify, which is good as she knows what I am doing. I am not psychotic but today. We did talk about the transgender stuff and the self hate that was fuelling my suicidality. I still wish I killed myself on Tuesday.

After the cup of nice coffee I had, I feel nervous in a bad way. It could just be that I am withdrawing. I haven’t had a pain medicine since last night. I am in pain now but it’s comfortable as it can be. I am not in agony and am trying to lay low as much as possible. I really don’t want to cause a pain flare up and have to take my other medication. I also realized I will be out of meds until NEXT Friday, at least. I won’t be able to fill the prescription until then. This is not going well for me. And I think I got to start taking the abilify as it is stressing me out and I don’t do well with stress. Stress ends up making me psychotic.

I think, if this weekend goes well, I might have the finances to get a script of my abilify. I am going to see if the prescription card my mother gave me works and if it does, then it might be lower than what I am paying now for it. I hope it is because otherwise I am screwed. Two meds, no three meds, I can’t live without, the OCP, pain meds, and the abilify, in that order. And right now, two of those are in jeopardy of running out and me not being able to afford paying for them. I am so screwed.

I called the junk yard as they left me a message this morning about my car. They want to give me $175 for it. YA, no thanks. My car is worth more than that when I saw an ad for Toyotas asking for $300. I just wish I had taken the damn number down to call them after they didn’t answer my email. So I am off looking for another junk place for my car. That will help some of my financial issues for the moment.

blog views and self hate

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, transgender, writing

Blog views

Today I hit 25,000 views on this blog and I want to thank all that read it. Without your readership, it would not be successful as it is.

Last night, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t go down the stairs and I wanted a burger so I literally bumshuffled down the stairs to get to my delivery. It was a long wait and just as I was going to call, they called me and said my burger took a “field” trip. I don’t want to know what that means but the guy said he would make a fresh one and it would be on him. It was so good. I need to learn how to peel an avocado. I love them and especially like them in my burger.

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up at 0430 in pain. And it took almost three hours to go back to sleep. I slept for a few hours and then I had to get up. I had to run some errands before my father’s doctor appointment. I finally faxed my forbearance for my student loan so they can stop hounding me. Apparently being on disability is not a “hardship”. UGH. I just am glad they will leave me alone now, least for the next few months.

I really felt suicidal today for the first time in months. I am having severe body image issues. I keep bumping into things with the honkers on my chest and I hate the gap between my little stubble on my face. I really want to get it even so that there is no gap but no matter how much I shave in between, there is no hair growth. I hate it. I just want to be ten feet under. I haven’t thought of a plan to kill myself. I just want to die. No one understands and it hurts so bad to be in the body I am not in. I think if I were male, things would have been different. But no, I am transgender so my life has to be harder. I hate my life. I hate ME, period. I hate living life the way that I am because it is not me and if I am ME no one will accept it. No one will love me, not like many people love me now but still. I have no worth, no purpose. I hate the things on my chest. I wish I could cut them off for good. But I can’t afford it. If I had any brains I would save up for the operation but that is hard to do with disability. Plus, I am not sure I can find a good surgeon in the area that won’t leave me with an infection of some sort. Hospitals are breeding grounds for bugs these days. I am tired of fighting with my mind over this matter. It is time to put the matter to rest and the only way I know to do that is to plan my death. It is what I do best.