Tag: mental illness

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.

Too Hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Too Hot Sunday

The temps are above 90 degrees so of course my AC decides it isn’t going to cool things off. Not that I blame it. It has been running non-stop for weeks now and I think it just gave up. It’s still blowing cool air but my room should be ice cold and it’s not. It’s in the 80 degree range, much too warm. I doubt I will be able to find an AC in the store at this time in the season. Just lovely. Another expense that I wish I didn’t have to have. My room is muggy and I hate it. It’s worse in the house. Amazon is awesome. I found my new AC so I will get it when my next pay period comes. I know that is the end of August but beats having an AC that sucks. I just opened the panel for the filter and it’s all full of ice. That would explain why I hear cracking noises and stuff. I shut it off to let it dry out. I have some paper towels underneath it so when it melts it won’t make a huge mess. Least I am hoping it won’t.

I listened to ball game and fell asleep when they were 9-0. I woke up and the score was 16-1. Final score was 16-2. I couldn’t stay awake because I was so tired. I had my coffee and it didn’t keep me awake. I don’t think the heat is helping. I had a couple of hot dogs for lunch and that has been it. I am not really hungry for anything else and it’s too hot to cook.

I really wanted to do some reading today but it’s close to being bed time now. I feel so lazy. I did fill my pill box for the week. I feel like I accomplished something.

I emailed my psychiatrist but she hasn’t responded, yet. I will try and page her tomorrow when she is back. I hope she calls in my meds. I hate to run out of them. 

Wicked Humid Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked Humid Friday

The heat index is somewhere around a 100 today, I am sure of it, if not more. Despite a thunderstorm that passed through and dropped the temp to a mere 82 degrees, the humidity is still high. I had soda on my back porch and when I got them to refrigerate them, they were so damn warm. I moved them to my cooler office so they don’t explode.

I went to my appointment this morning, which was a challenge as I didn’t sleep very well. I went to bed or tried to go to bed around 0100 but woke up two hours later. I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. An hour later, I fell asleep only to be woken up three hours later by my alarm clock. I made the 0822 bus, but just barely. I almost got on the wrong bus I was so tired. That would not have been good.

My appointment went okay, though for some reason my medication that I needed to be refilled was no longer on my medication list so had to be added again. Every month I get the same script and there have been no problems. Now it’s a problem because of the lovely new system. Some system this is. No wonder doctors are leaving left and right.

I went and filled my prescription. I wanted to get hamburgers for my lunch and dinner but the bus was coming soon and I didn’t want to wait an hour for the next one. As I was leaving Walgreens, I was looking at what they had for food and saw they had my Ball Park hot dogs! It made my day as now I didn’t have to go to the grocery store to get them.

I got home and I was soaking wet with sweat. If the outside heat index was a 100, my house was 200. YUCK. I quickly changed out of my wet clothing and dried off in my AC’d room. I didn’t feel like cooking and I was kind of wicked tired so I just took a nap.

While I was at my appointment, I told her of the pain I was in and that I wasn’t going to do PT. She didn’t argue with me and I told her I found some exercises on the internet that seem to help me, when I do them. I told her my pain was too great and there was no way I was going to be traveling in this heat. It’s just too much for me. I didn’t tell her about my mood and she didn’t ask. I told her my psych team was basically on vacation, least until Monday when my psychiatrist comes back. I might page her because I was really agitated when I came home for some reason. I had to take a trilafon. Whether or not that contributed to me taking a nap, I don’t really care.

I really wanted to read but I had no time. I barely had time for a sandwich at Starbucks before I had to take a train to my appointment. I had 5 shots espresso and I was still tired. I have no idea when I am going to read Adler. It’s the weekend and I hate going to the Square because there is hardly any seats unless you go early and my early tends to be later than everyone else’s. I still have coffee for home, though I am running low on half and half. I just hope it lasts me until my next grocery order in a couple weeks.

I am kind of in a reading mood right now so maybe I will give Adler a shot. The nap kind of gave me energy so that is good. I might have a cup of coffee as it’s still early enough to have one and if it keeps me up, so be it. I have nothing important to do tomorrow, except blog writing.

Can I go to sleep now?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can I go to sleep now?

Sox game just ended. I was pissed off because they lost to NY AFTER they had the lead. Ziegler sucks. This is the second game in a row they lost. So I was a bit steamed but I couldn’t go to sleep right away. So now I have writing on my mind and felt the need to blog about it.

I read the stone book. It talked about organizing ideas and after I finish my Adler chapter (which I didn’t read today), I will start with my book, reading the first chapter and seeing where I can organize it better. There is a part about cutting that I just threw in there and it’s graphic though not descriptive of cutting. I didn’t like it when I read it after I let it stew for a couple of months but my therapist said to keep it because she doesn’t like to throw things away. I can only imagine what her house must look like if she is a hoarder. So I kept this piece of shitty writing even though it has little to nothing to do with the rest of the piece. It only bothers me because I feel there should be a trigger warning on the chapter because of the cutting nature. And to avoid the warning, I feel I should just take out those shitty paragraphs.

After all the writing in this stone book, there are exercises. The last exercise I read was of cutting up sentences and sorting them differently. Sounded like something that the place I used to go to for writing used. Anyway, the writer said that if you cannot do this exercise, you might as well throw away your computer and go to another profession. I already think this writer is a quack so I am not holding him to what he says. I will just file it in the back of my memory banks and when I am working on my book, I will open these files up and see where it takes me.

I am VERY tired but I can’t sleep because I so want to open the file and do some work on my writing but I need to get up early in the morning for my pain management appointment. I need to leave the house by 0822. Yuck. It’s the first time I have had to get up early in a while.

My therapist is officially on vacation for the next two weeks. What is interesting is that a psychotherapist followed me on twitter about maybe three months ago. He is in his 70s and wants to share his work with like minded therapists because he feels it is important. I thought he was a cuck but there is some merit to what he is talking about. I haven’t engaged him on Twitter. I have no idea if he would be inclined to be in touch with the suicidology clinicians that I know on Twitter. Why he is following me, I have no fricken clue as I am far from being a therapist.

Okay thank you Blogworld. My brain is out of ideas on what else to write tonight so I will check back with you all tomorrow.