Tag: mental pain

Suicidal vs Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Suicidal vs. Suicide

I got this from a fellow blogger. I somewhat corrected it so it wasn’t a run on sentence. But it’s mostly the author’s words. Original had “committed suicide” instead of “dying by suicide” which is important to recognize. That is the only words I changed.

“When someone ends up dying by suicide, everyone is there, they feel bad, they say they didn’t “see the signs”. They talk about how amazing you were and so forth. But if you tell someone you’re suicidal, everything is different. No one wants to solve the problem, matter of fact, half the time they act like it isn’t a problem, that you won’t ever “do it”, that it will just “go away”/ They treat it like a joke, well let me tell you something, being suicidal isn’t a joke. People do consider it as an only option, and treating the problem like it doesn’t matter will not get you anywhere. The only place it’s going to get you is a funeral. If someone tells you they’re suicidal, don’t push them away. Instead try to be the one to keep them here.”—realadvicebro.tumblr.com

cupcakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cupcakes

I finally was able to make the pumpkin cupcakes that I have been wanting. I must have the wrong directions or something because instead of yielding 12, I yielded 24. They were yummy but took longer than 20 minutes to cook. A friend thinks there maybe have been too much liquid and I think she may be right. When I looked up other recipes for these kind of cupcakes, it calls for ¾ cup of pumpkin puree. My recipe called for a whole can of it. That might be why. I don’t know. I wanted to share them at the BBQ but they were not easy to pull apart from the paper like normal cupcakes were. I now have 24 pumpkin cupcakes to eat. They will be my breakfast for a while.
Here is a pic of them:wpid-20150912_120127.jpg

I had a beer tonight, a Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It was good but filling. Then when I went to my room to escape the noise of the BBQ, I got back cramps. I had to take an Ativan. It was really painful and I couldn’t move without my back cramping. Then my foot decided it was going to hurt. I have been fighting sleep the last few hours because of the baseball and football games. The Nebraska game is still going on. They are winning so far in the 3rd quarter. OSU won as well tonight. David Ortiz hit his 500th homerun at the Trop or should I say, cowbell city. I hate the trop because the fans ring cowbells. It is so annoying. Any type of noise maker should be banned from MLB games.

To my surprise, my crazy aunt didn’t congratulate me on my New York Times post. I was expecting a sly remark from her and I am glad I didn’t get it. While my cousin was congratulating me, my father was around. I panicked. He asked what people were congratulating me for so I told him. It didn’t seem to register for him, just like I thought it wouldn’t. No matter, he didn’t make a big deal about it, and I was glad. My mother was telling people about it, which shocked me. She told my brother in law’s brother and we had a nice chat about it. He is a good guy and a good support.

I was able to shower before I made the cupcakes. I think I did too much as my foot is acting like a fink. I don’t know why my big toe is dancing but it is a painful dance. It seems to have settled down some since taking a pain med. I am going to take a couple more before bed, soon as the Nebraska game is over. The weird thing is that my ankle pain has returned and then my big toe is hurting too. I hate when I am in pain in different parts of my foot/ankle. I guess I should be grateful it is the same one and not both feet. That would really make me depressed. I think the change in temperature and the rain coming on is causing it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain, but we’ll see.

writing itch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I am having another sleepless night. I am listening to music and it’s keeping me awake. I should shut it off but I really don’t want to hear the silence of the night. My head just can’t take silence right now.

I have been hypomanic on and off for almost a month now. I thought I was crashing as I had a severe depressive episode the other day. But now I am back to feeling good. But I am very sleepy and really want to sleep but my empty head just won’t like it. I took my meds about two hours ago. I should be sleeping but I have this urge to write so I am writing.

I keep thinking about two trolls that have entered my life in the last few weeks. One I thought I had vanquished until she resurfaced today when I checked my spam comments. Now I had to change the settings all because of this one jerk. Then I thought about the troll on the NYT that told my story without my authorization. This has still burned me more than the other troll. I can delete her stupid comments with one click. I cannot do that for the NYT ones. It is just upsetting me and I am trying hard not to let it bother me. I wish I could talk to my therapist about this. But I don’t talk to her again till Tuesday. I have been texting her with my upsets but it’s not the same as talking with her. The good news is there have been less comments on the NYT site and I am glad. The stress of dealing with the nitpicking of my therapist and her competency were outrageous. I’m just glad I never mentioned who she was or she might be further under the microscope. All of this hubbub has really taken the joy out of the accomplishment of publishing for the NYT. I still am in awe about it, at times. But now the fun of it has worn off because of the comments. Sure, there were more positive comments than negative ones, and I should focus on that. But the rest really had me thinking I did something wrong. But if I did, wouldn’t the NYT NOT publish it? I have received more compliments about it than negativity in the real world. I should focus on that, rather than 50 or so comments that were negative. I still believe there was ignorance in most of the negative comments because they didn’t know the truth behind the story. I didn’t go into grave detail about the relationship. I didn’t have to. It was a short piece that I wrote on the fly one night when I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling hatred towards my therapist and psychiatrist for keeping me here when I don’t want to be. I seriously thought, numerous times the other day, of ending my life because I had crashed so severely. This was before I read the comments. My thoughts were slower, things didn’t taste right, I had no appetite. I was moving slower, like I was in mud. All the signs were there that I was depressed. Then to read that a so called long time “friend” outed me to the public, that was too much. And for the troll that thinks I am in no danger of being a victim of a hate crime you are so wrong. If people find out I am a TG, there will be hate. Look at Caitlyn Jenner and all the slack that she got despite, also, the positivity. I have been called a “dyke” and a loser and other names I won’t repeat just for being gay. Throw in transgender and you have a new ball game. So don’t sit there and tell me she just didn’t put a bullseye on my head because she did.

Tomorrow, or should I say today, I plan on writing out a story of these hypomanic episodes for my book. I will add it to the story I wrote a few weeks ago. It will give me something to do. I also need a shower sometime today. I was going to take it tonight but my legs were hurting for some reason. I think it is because I stay in the same position for too long without moving. I have to remember to stretch but I don’t.

I thought of watching the movie Lincoln tonight. If I start it now, I will most likely fall asleep by the time Seward and his henchmen are meeting. I probably will watch it soon. It’s my favorite movie. My next venture is getting Sandlot and Bull Durham. I like to see Major Leagues too. I am not a movie person so I have not seen these classics.

Love, Hate, and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Love Hate and Suicide

Above is the link for my article. It has been a rough twenty-four hours. I have not slept very well because of the weird dreams I have been having over the stress of this publication. For the most part, my article was well received. There were a few dissenters that questioned my therapist’s methods and therapy with me, but they were dispelled by other commenters, which made me feel a little better. I had gotten so upset about the readers “attacking” my treaters, I felt like I made a huge mistake. My psychiatrist was impressed I made such an impression, which made me feel better. Also talking with my therapist after nearly 5 days was such comfort. I thought I was offending her and I wasn’t doing any of the sort. She laughed at some of the comments I was telling her and told me it didn’t matter. Everyone was entitled to their opinion. What really matters is what happens between us not the rest of the world, or something like that. Because I was so sleep deprived and a nervous wreck, I cried today while talking with her. I just got so overwhelmed with the comments. Some of them had them questioning whether my therapist was “real”, meaning did she have the proper credentials and training to be a therapist. It was just so hurtful, to me anyways. So I cried, got upset, and then laughed about it. Before my psychiatrist wrote back, I seriously thought about ending my life. But the feelings passed. Now I just hope I can get a good night’s sleep and I should be able to face the day tomorrow.

I had to go out today. I stayed in all weekend and was starting to feel cooped up. I went to Walgreens to try and get some Pringles and my prescription. I also gave the article to one of the pharm techs I told I write. She was flabbergasted. They didn’t have the Pringles but they did have my prescription ready. When I came home I showered and waited for the time for my therapist.

After therapy, I checked some more comments, my blog stats (which are blooming), and messages on FB. I then got dressed and waited for the bus. I didn’t have to wait as my cousin drove by and gave me a ride to the Square. I was hungry so had a celebratory burrito. Actually, I got a salad with all the burrito fillings. It was just as good but without the flour tortilla. I went to my Starbucks and got a pumpkin spice latte and a scone. I was stuffed at this point. My mother called while I was having my latte wanted to know if I would be home for supper. I said I would be home but I don’t think I would be eating. I was too tired to write so just decided to catch the next bus home, which meant catching the bus with the mentally disabled guy. He was not too bad today, though he did ask some young kids for money. I ignored him, though I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. He just makes me uncomfortable because he has a quick temper. Something doesn’t go his way and he flies off the handle. I am glad the bus wasn’t too crowded today.