“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166
Tag: mental pain
just done
I didn’t sleep well last night so I have been tired most of the day. I didn’t want to have coffee because I thought I would go out. But I didn’t. I had therapy and was exhausted so I just took a nap.
My therapist was in a talkative mood today. It annoyed me. Not even half way through session, I spoke up because she was just started talking about how I should be an editor. WTF does that have to do with my depression or that today is my CES anniversary day? I got so pissed off. Then when she finally shut up, I didn’t talk the rest of the session and I didn’t care. I was done. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her the rest of next week and she pulled the brakes on that idea. Maybe meeting twice a week is too much. Maybe I just need once a week. I just know this isn’t working out. Then she says we need to meet in person. Yea, lovely idea. How when I don’t have a stupid car? Like meeting in person is going to solve the problem. I am just done with her and therapy. I almost cried while we were talking. I don’t know why I wanted to cry. But she didn’t have a clue or a sense that I was ready to cry. She never has a clue.
I wanted to kill myself in the worst way today but I just decided to sleep. My day will be coming soon enough. I am just so damn done. I am done being in pain and dealing with an airhead therapist. Sadly, I don’t think I can find another therapist in my area. Most that I have tried to see end the conversation soon as they find out I have a suicidal past. So screw that. No one new wants to help me so be it. I think after 11 times is enough searching anyway. Course, having to go through 13 therapists are enough. I should have stopped at ten and ended my life. Thing is, I am not really that depressed, yet I want to kill myself. I really don’t think you need to be depressed in order to try and kill yourself. People think this but it’s not clear. I mean there are a lot of people who suffer from depression. Not all want to end their life. Some do. Some don’t. And what separates those that do from those that don’t? No one really knows.
I’m just done. I don’t have anymore fighting left in me. I don’t have any hope that things are going to get better. Both my ankles are starting to hurt and I am scared something is wrong with my Achilles in my right foot. I can’t deal with anymore pain.
In a Shitty Mood
In a Shitty mood
I’m in a shitty mood right now. Pain has come back with a vengeance and have been trying to come up with a way to take my night meds without hurting myself more. If I stand on my foot, the pain is temporarily stopped but soon as I get off, it returns worse than before. I took some pain meds fifteen minutes ago so I am hoping the pain will ease some and then I can stand up and take my meds. I should have taken them when I came back from the bathroom but thought it was too early. Then my medication app went off and I started cursing. This pain has gone on for about a week now. It is dragging me down into a well and I know soon I will be thinking about ending my life if it continues. Either that or ways of chopping my foot off. Just cut the part that hurts away and I will be better. Least that is my theory, though I know it won’t be true. My nerves will have a field day and a half should I attempt it. So cutting off the affected limb is out.
It’s really stressful to be in pain every day. Yesterday I got notification that I will receive my disability payments until I am 65. I found that it was depressing. It means I can no longer join the work force. That I am truly disabled and I don’t like being disabled. I thought I made peace with this idea of not being able to work but was hopeful that once the LTD stopped, I could face the possibility of finding a part time job. Now that doesn’t seem likely. I can’t go to college and I can’t work. What the hell am I going to do 24/7? Sure I will sleep for at least 6 hours so that will leave what, 18 hours to do something? I can write but it only comes in spurts. Sure I write on my blog frequently but it’s not the same as writing for my book, which I have my doubts on. I know I might sell a few copies of the new book, but I doubt it will be as much as my first book. Or maybe it will be more because it’s concentrated on something else. I don’t know, it’s frustrating because I know I will never be a Neil Gaiman or a Lawrence Block. My writing is just not that great all the time. Even my stories that I have posted on my blog don’t get read that wildly. I am just a dark writer and unless I find a dark audience, the material is just not going to go anywhere.
I have thought about what I am going to do with my check now that it is secured. Maybe I can save up for a college class online and see how that goes. There is a psychology class that is available only in the summer at UMB that I have been dying to take. It will take some budgeting but I think I can do it by next April. I also want to go on a trip to see my friends out in California. One lives there and three others have moved there. It would be nice to see them again. Then I have a friend in Texas that I have been dying to see since she left Boston. My cousin also just moved there so I will be killing two birds with one stone. Least I hope so. Texas is a big state and unfortunately, my friend lives on one end and my cousin is in the middle. Not close together so it will take some planning. Least she is closer to him now than she was before. So next check will be a huge saving deal where I put money aside for travel and some aside for college. But all of this is mute if I end up dead because of this fucking pain that won’t go away. This is the second month that I have had a bad flare up where I had to take strong pain meds to quiet it down. I thought after the good day I had earlier I would be fine. All that changed when the pain became intense that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Sometimes the pain goes away if I don’t pay attention to it and then there are times when doing that just intensifies it. I guess getting the migraine earlier out of the blue really caused my mood to shift.
It started while I was watching the OSU game. Western Michigan had the ball at their 2 yard line and the crowd noise went ballistic. I know the volume on the TV was loud but the crowd noise made it amplify. I should have known I was getting a migraine but didn’t think nothing of it. My mother came to the kitchen so I switched TVs. I watched from the living room and my head started hurting. I was also becoming irritable and tired. I was watching baseball and every time I switched games, from football to baseball, I felt like I was watching golf as the baseball game was so quiet compared to the football game. I watched baseball during halftime and then when they place Ogando in whatever inning it was, I went to my room. I can’t stand to watch him pitch because he loves giving up the long ball (homerun). But he did good today, kept the shut out. It wasn’t until I heard a saw running that my head exploded with pain. My sister is doing construction in her kitchen. They were still working on it from this morning. I immediately took my migraine pill before nausea could set in. I guess that was why I was sick the other day. If the nausea lasts more than 24 hours, I usually end up with a migraine some where in the next day or so. This is why I need my Zofran. I know it’s the weekend but I should be able to have them fill it. If it doesn’t cost too much, maybe I will pay out of pocket if insurance is the issue. I can’t imagine it can be but I won’t know until someone picks up the damn phone and tells me why they can’t fill it. If they need a diagnosis, I can tell them but they probably want it from my doc, which means having to wait till Monday. I will try tomorrow to get someone in the pharmacy and then if I don’t get someone, I will tweet walgreens to make a stink. Sometimes I get a faster response tweeting than I do on the phone.
I really am trying not to let the pain get the best of me but it is so fucking hard. I am in such a shitty mood. I need to take my night meds so I can try and get some sleep. But the throbbing is so incessant. I just need about 5 minutes to stand to take my meds and then be back on my comfy bed. I don’t think that is asking too much after all the walking I did and stair climbing, it should be a piece of cake. But no, not tonight. The ball of my foot is being prodded so viciously and angrily. It’s in my between the last two metatarsals of my foot. And the pain is going to the side of my foot near my ankle. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome sucks so bad. I guess I should be grateful that it’s a mild case and not severe as it can be. Doesn’t mean I like it very much. This is why I am disabled, aside from my mental illness. My mental illness is the 1st diagnosis that lead to me being disabled. Then you add my physical disability and whammo, I can’t work anymore. I really can’t stand this. Being in mental pain is one thing. I thought, at one point, being in physical pain was better. How wrong was I? Terribly wrong. I only thought it was better because there would be medication for it. But I soon found out that being in pain all the time screws up pathways and shit that medications just don’t touch. I would have to take Neurontin and my opioids to get total relief for ONE day. But the problem with the Neurontin is that it makes me hungry and I need to watch my fucking weight. So I don’t take it unless I absolutely have to. It’s hard to tell when I am having a nerve pain attack and when this is physical pain that is only helped by narcs. Usually in this flare up, I have to take a Neurontin or a dozen to get relief. And I do mean a dozen. I will take a handful and then be fine for a week. Then I know it was nerve pain and not physical pain. It’s been an hour since I took the pain meds and now my foot has calmed down so I know that it was physical pain. It’s still throbbing but with less intensity. I can now take my night time meds and try to go to sleep. Maybe the shitty mood will be gone by morning.
Random 567
Thought I would write a little bit. I am feeling awake but I took my night meds so I hope that I get sleepy soon. I really don’t want to be up most of the night like I was last night. I had slept around 0100 till 0800, which is pretty good for me. I just wish I didn’t wake up in pain. I also took my pain meds with my night meds so I am hoping I will be toast soon. But it takes a while for these meds to work.
Sox came back only for Ogando to give the lead back to the Rays. I hate this pitcher. He always screws up. I hope they get rid of him. I started off listening to the game but after they gave up three runs in the top of the first, I kind of lost interest. I took a very long Facebook movie quiz that took about a half hour to complete. It was like 99 questions about scenes in the movies. I did ok. I got 86 of 99 so not bad. I didn’t think I would get any right as I am not a movie person.
Some people have been asking me about the hospital and I finally read the blog that dealt with it. Seeing as my psychosis has been unstable, I might have to go in to get stabilized. But I am doing better so I don’t think that will be the case. I guess I wasn’t too clear in the blog what I was thinking. It made sense to me when I read it but apparently it wasn’t to everyone else.
I started journaling again. I am almost done with the journal and will need to get another one soon. I bought a few a couple of months ago. Now I just have to decide which one to go with. As I was writing last night, I was thinking of turning it into a blog. Sometimes I write and think it’s good writing and then type it up. But I hate typing up what I write because reading my handwriting is bad. I hate trying to decipher what I wrote like it’s a code or something.
I got a letter from my LTD insurance. They want me to call to give them an update on my condition. I am the same. I still have pain. I can’t stand too long. I can’t walk too much or for long distances. Even though I have been taking less pain medication, I still need it, especially at night when it will flare up out of the blue. Tonight it happen around 2020. I didn’t do anything except move my ankle just a little bit and boom, it flared up. There is no way I can work second shift like I used to. My dream job of being a barista is out because I can’t stand long. Office work is out because my leg swells up after about four hours of sitting. So I guess I am still disabled. And it sucks. So the restrictions that I had before are still in force. They haven’t changed despite me being basically on bed rest these past three years. I don’t know how they can say I have tendonitis still. It should have gotten better by now with all the resting I have done. Granted I am no longer using an AFO anymore, but that is the only improvement that I have. I still have weakness and fatigue if I do the things that normal people can do, like walk several blocks and stand more than twenty minutes. That is the physical part. The mental part, I still can’t work because if I get stressed, I become psychotic. I get delusional and paranoid. Then the bad voices start and I am back in the hospital. It’s been more than a year since I have been in the hospital for psych reasons. There have been a few times in the past few months that I should have been in, but I avoided it like the plague. I know my psychiatrist is wanting me to go in. She said as much the last email I sent her. But I refuse because of the responsibility I have with my father. I know my sisters could probably do his meds, but they will need to talk to me and if I am on a unit that doesn’t allow the use of cell phones, what am I going to do? Plus, my sister needs me as the back up babysitter for my niece. So I just avoid the hospital unless I am really whacked and have no other choice or because I am imminently going to kill myself, which isn’t going to happen. There is a chance my psychosis is getting out of hand but I will work things out with my sister for my father if that happens. She is understanding of my illness, even though we don’t talk about it. It will be extremely hard to do because I hate going in the hospital as all they do is drug you up more than talk with you. But when you are psychotic, meds are sometimes better than talk. I just hope the stress of talking with my insurance company doesn’t cause a psychotic break as I already had a few psychotic episodes in the past few weeks. I still am hearing music when there is no music playing. And my normal voices have been “louder” than they have been before. They are also more demanding to be spoken to. I just hope the extra trilafon helps ease this episode away. I really don’t want to be drugged up and taking a million pills because their pharmacy doesn’t have the dose pills that I take. Last time I was in the hospital, I had to take 4 pills for my blood pressure medicine because they didn’t have a 40 mg tablet. It sucked. I felt like I was at the med window forever taking more than a handful of pills. It sucked worse than being in the hospital!
midnightdemons7 
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