Tag: physical pain

fricken frustrated about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Fricken frustrated about things

I know I kind of did a lot today. My pain levels were up and I took meds to bring them down. Then I got up to get something and when I went back into bed, my pain shot up again. Now I am having nerve pain. I am so damn sick of being in pain all the damn time.

I was writing to a friend today about how things have been for me the past few months since the cops showed up at my house and how my blogs have basically not been the same. My writing has changed to not be so suicidal and to be honest about my true dark feelings. That I keep for my journal. I have to write and blogging was an outlet for me but some jerk ruined the experience for me. I still don’t know who that person was or how they found out where I lived.

I am just so frustrated by being depressed all the time and not getting relief from it and then add in chronic pain and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yet some how I am still here despite not wanting to be. I must have thought a half a million times tonight alone that I should just end my life. But I can’t do that to my psych. We are coming up to almost 25 years of working together.

The friend that I mentioned earlier wanted me to enter a writing contest for the organization I once belonged to. I told her that I did but didn’t win the first year they had the award. I had written about my experience of being suicidal because of being transgender. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I came to the realization that at least 85% of my suicidality was because I was in the wrong body. It took me another year or two to put together that having menses really fucked with me and caused instantaneous suicidal impulses. Once my menses stopped, I no longer have that great suicidal urge once a month. It sucks that I have to take female hormones to stop my menses but it is what it is, for right now.

The only thing stopping me from becoming a man is my mother. She will not understand it at all and the rejection would kill me. I would die as her daughter rather than her son. I do hope to change my name legally sometime this year. It’s something I wanted to do last year but something came up and I was not able to go ahead with it. It also is a lot of money that I need to save up for. I am hoping that one of my paychecks once I get caught up on bills I will be able to go to the court and file the paperwork needed to do it. This is something I have been dreaming about for years. I have always, always, hated my birth name. Course there have been different names that I have wanted. Alex and Mike have been the few names that I thought I wanted but I got used to people calling me G or GC so decided to stick with those lines. I still have not decided, fully, which of those initials to go with. It’s hard.

pens and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pens and nerve pain

The other night I couldn’t sleep because of pain. It was like three in the morning so I went shopping on Amazon for pens. They didn’t have the ones I was looking for and I ended up buying like $50 worth. There were like 5 or 6 different kinds of pens, all black ink but the same brand that I like, Uniball Jetstream. They were supposed to come today but there was a delay for some reason. Now I don’t know when I am going to get them. I ordered some more pens the next day, different colors this time and fine point. I usually go for medium point but I liked the style and the colors so I got them. I am crazy about these pens.

The past several hours, I have been dealing with nerve pain in my foot. I had physical pain in my ankle. Then it moved to my foot and it changed to burning. I felt the bottom of my foot where it hurts the most to see if it was hot. It wasn’t. It hurt to touch it. I took a large dose of Neurontin. Hopefully I can sleep through the night.

I was talking with a friend via text about different things. We both suffer from depression so were exchanging our troubles. We both love the Star Trek universe. It was fun talking to him. I told him I recently bought the Star Trek: The Next Gen complete series. I still haven’t watched a single episode. I am not going to watch the pilot episode, Encounter at Farpoint because it’s lame and I have seen it a million times. I keep meaning to watch it but I am still scared of dissociating or the voices coming back to haunt me.

Speaking of Star Trek, Canada has or will be coming out with new Star Trek stamps. I will buy them when I find out when they come out. I bought the first set. It will be cool to get the second set. It’s of the entire Universe so it doesn’t focus on the Original series. I think the movies might be in this collection but I am not sure. From what I saw in the promo pic was the captains of each series. It will be cool to have them.

My foot is giving me grief so bad right now. I can’t stand it. I just hurt so bad. I already took a strong pain pill and my regular pain meds. I shouldn’t be in pain or at least, I should be sleeping. I might have to take an Ativan to relax as I am getting keyed up because of the pain. It’s just annoying me and I can’t settle down.

Tomorrow I plan on changing my sheets, which will be an all day affair. Of course, it all depends on if I am awake enough to do it. Usually when I am up late, like I am now, I am sleepy for most of the day, no matter how much caffeine I drink.

in a cranky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a cranky mood

I am in a lot of fucking pain right now and it’s causing me to think about suicide. This is the third consecutive day I have been in pain above an 8 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. I am going out of my mind. I have thought about paging my psych but I know she will just want me in the hospital and I don’t want to go. I am just feeling really bad.

I never worked on my blog project. I keep looking at the notebook and nothing comes. I look at the book but I don’t want to read. I am in the middle of a case vignette on how to use cognitive therapy. So far it’s good learning but I just can’t get back into the book. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s bugging me and making me feel like a loser. I set out to do things and I don’t follow through. Just like the suicidology book that I started reading that was a piece of shit. I was supposed to review that book but I never even read more than maybe three chapters? I know I started writing about what I read but I have no idea what happened to the notebook I was keeping my notes in so now I have to start all over. Pisser.

I’m trying to distract from my suicidal feeling by writing. My throbbing foot is not helping. I just took some more of my regular pain meds. I need a refill soon for those. I just emailed it in. It probably won’t get done until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Maybe I can take my niece to the hospital and have her see the Ether dome. I will be watching her on Tuesday.

I want to go to the museum of fine arts next week. I don’t want my membership to be a loss. I only went once so far. It’s hard to find the motivation to go. I want to see the Egyptian exhibit. It’s my favorite. The first time I went, I went to the gift shop and bought an Egyptian pen. It was a ceramic rollerball. It wrote really fine. I liked it but I kind of like my Jetstream better. It is smoother writing.

My cousin that has bipolar disorder called me tonight. He is going to give me some money so that I can order his a foam topper for his bed, the same kind that I bought. I don’t mind doing this for him. I have been meaning to add my new therapist to my bill pay, but I have been lazy about it. It’s a pain to do it because I have to do it through the web. I can’t do it on my phone. Logging in through the web is so much more difficult than the damn phone. It’s ridiculous. Every single time I log on, I have to have a “security” code sent to my phone to prove it’s me. Meanwhile anyone can log onto my phone and that is okay? I don’t get it. Then to add a new payee you have to go through this rigmarole. I think I will add him when I get my first bill. I just hope it’s reasonable. I can’t afford more than $20/session a week.

I’m feeling really cranky about being in pain. People always say to me they don’t know how I deal with it day in and day out. Frankly, I don’t know how either. It’s like it just became a part of my life and as much as I want it gone, it isn’t going anywhere. Which makes me feel so distressed at times that I want to end my life. It’s funny that the new therapist asked me what I would like to change and I told him I wanted to finish my degree and be a therapist. But that is only going to happen if I win the lottery. I feel so hopeless about everything else in my life. Pain just takes so much from me that it’s really ruining the quality of my life. I am just existing from day to day. I eat, sleep, take my meds, repeat the next day. I have nothing I look forward to except this blog and my readers. Some days it’s a struggle to write. I just don’t have the same thought process I once had. I think the meds are messing that up for me. But my suicidality hasn’t changed at all. My PTSD symptoms have gotten worse with each flare up. I stay up most nights wondering when I will sleep and if I will sleep through the night. It’s hard.

I think the only reason I didn’t grab a bottle of pills tonight is because tomorrow is Easter. It’s always the little things that keep me here. Maybe next flare up, I won’t be so lucky.

Record Year

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Record year

Been listening to this song by Eric Church for the last couple of hours. I just can’t stop listening to it. It’s on the “Mr. Misunderstood” album that I love so much. My former therapist texted me this morning saying she misses me, she is having a hard time packing up my “belongings”, and has not received my book yet. It set off a pang of missing her really bad, similar to this weekend. And this song just fits right now. I texted her back saying it was okay and that I am in no rush to get my things back. I also have not found someone new and even my psychiatrist has not succeeded.

I woke up with just enough time to catch the bus to go to Starbucks. I went and had coffee and breakfast. Then I wrote in my journal but listening to this song kind of made writing difficult. I just miss my former therapist so much. My mother called while I was at my home away from home. She wanted to know where I was. I told her and said I would be home soon. It was a good thing I left when I did because my bowels soon unleashed soon as I walked in the door. I just made it to the bathroom in time. She then asked where I was going when I walked in the kitchen. HUH??? I said I just came home. She is losing it.

I called one therapist today. I am waiting for a callback. It is so frustrating waiting. I read the Robert Lowell book last night. It went a little better but still the same pattern of mania, hospital, depression. Lowell had a daughter in the mist of the craziness and he explained his illness to her when she was old enough to understand. He was straight up with her, which is kind of remarkable. Most parents want to hide their illness from their children but Lowell was direct about his treatment in the hospital and why he had to be put in. I finished the chapter feeling devastated for the guy. I am kind of torn because if he grew up in this day and age, his creativity would be hindered and he probably wouldn’t have been a great poet. I find it amazing that people with bipolar illness are creative untreated versus treated. Thing is, Lowell grew up at a time where there was no treatment for his illness. Lithium wasn’t approved yet and if it was, he obviously didn’t take it like he was supposed to, which is typical of the illness. Why take something that hinders the creativity. Or he just felt the mania was gone so he no longer needed the medication. Jamison doesn’t dwell on this aspect. I am only interpreting what I know of the highs and lows of bipolar disorder.

Pain has been minimal the last few days, except at night. Last night I accidently took double my pain meds because I couldn’t remember if I took them or not. I was having a lot of pain, from my ankle down to my toes. I ended up taking Neurontin and then the doses of regular pain meds hit me hard and I crashed. I slept fairly well and did not want to get up. But my mother didn’t wash my French press last night and I didn’t feel like doing it, so I left to go to Starbucks. I am glad I went out because the weather was warmer than it has been. It’s supposed to be a little warmer most of the week. I hope that means no heat turn up. I have been roasting in my room from the heat of my radiator. I had opened the window last week and it took three days to cool off my room. Last night I thought I was going to have to open the window again but my mother turned down the heat so I was saved.

Despite having four shots of espresso, I am still very tired. My mother is making pork chops tonight. I think the 900 mg of Neurontin is kicking my ass. I just can’t get my brain to wake up. I want to nap so bad but dinner will be ready soon. Maybe I will take a nap after dinner.

I entered a Stars Dash with Starbucks. You make five purchases and you get stars which leads to getting free stuff. I should have bought something before I left because I am one purchase short and the deal ends today. Oh well. I am sure they will have other deals in the future.