Tag: physical pain

feeling really tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling really tired

I had a good sleep but after breakfast, I went back to sleep because I was feeling really tired. When I woke up, I decided to make some coffee and now feel like I can go back to sleep. I don’t know why I am so exhausted. I haven’t done anything except retweet some zero suicide tweets today. There is some convention going on in Atlanta about this. I don’t necessarily agree with this movement because I feel people should be able to make a decision about their lives the way they should but if they are asking for help, I believe the providers should do all they can to help them. Like any provider should. For the first time, this movement has received funding so we’ll see how it plays out. It’s the people that are suicidal that don’t reach out I worry most about. Or who reach out after they have attempted. But I understand. Sometimes you have to do drastic measures to be believed there is something wrong. I was a straight A student, well liked. I didn’t think anyone would believe that I had problems at home. I was adjusting well in school. I didn’t make problems, yet I desperately wanted to kill myself. I felt like if I talked to someone about my problems, no one would believe me. So one night when my father flipped out for the hundredth time in as many days, I tried taking my life. When a good friend at school noticed the marks on my wrist, she told a teacher. That teacher talked with me and I was extremely nervous. Bottom line was she took me to the nurse and I got the help I needed. I didn’t want it at first, but the school nurse helped me to see that I needed to talk with someone. It wasn’t easy reaching out for help when I had so many things at home stacked against me. So I can see someone who is in need, not wanting to seek help for fear of being turned down.

I tried to get an appointment with my therapist today but she doesn’t have any openings unless someone cancels. Oh well. I guess I will be okay until tomorrow. I was talking with a fellow blog reader and it helped to vent to her about what has been going on. Though she seems to think I will be needing the hospital and I don’t know why that is. I guess I will have to read over my blogs and figure it out. I don’t always remember what I write about.

It’s a cool day today, the first time in weeks that it’s been below 70. I should take advantage and mail the letter that I need to mail. But I can do it tomorrow. I really don’t feel like getting dressed for a piece of mail. Besides, with the zaps that I had last night, my foot is still sore. I had taken some pain meds this morning because the pain was really bad. I guess that could explain why I feel so tired. It’s weird that during the day I feel tired from them, but at night, I don’t.

I had some more pages from my book read. It’s almost a 1000 pages for this Kindle shared thingy. I guess people might read a few pages and then decide if they want to continue it or not? I am not sure how it works. There is a little blurb about it on the reports page but it all gibberish to me. I don’t understand it. But I did have six books sold via Kindle. It’s the most sales I have had in a while. I also had four paperbacks sold. So I am very pleased. It was totally unexpected that the NYT would say that I was an author. I just wish I could have finished my other book that I have in the works but it’s slow going. I really want the book to be at least 200 pages but I am not even a quarter of the way there yet. I know I will get there, I am just waiting for the writing itch to start up again.

Wow, I made the coffee stronger than I thought it would be. I am hyped up now, ready for anything. Just wish my foot felt that way. Would be nice to go for a walk. I just wish my neighborhood wasn’t so hilly. It really takes it out of you when your foot/ankle is not 100%. It would be easier to walk on flat surfaces like the next town over but I would have to take the bus and train to get there and I know my coffee high would wear off by then. I hope I get paid this month from my LTD insurance. It would be nice to have one more payment from them so I can get caught up in a few more bills.

Death Dates

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Death dates

Whenever I am suicidal, I pick a date that I want to kill myself on. Then if I don’t want to die on that day, I don’t have to go through with it. So far, I am still alive. It was a close call my last date because I wanted to die very badly. I had enough of living and figured it was the only way out of the situation I was in. But my therapist and psychiatrist got me through it. I felt cheated and angry they stopped me. The only thing that got me through was picking another date. This time it is almost a month a way from now. It is how I manage being intensely suicidal. Trouble is, I am not feeling terribly suicidal at this time. Suicide is furthest from my mind, yet I have this date in mind and I am thinking about going through with it anyway just so I don’t have to suffer anymore pain like I have tonight.

My therapist knows about this date but my psychiatrist doesn’t, least not yet. I don’t know if I am going to remind either of them of this plan. I don’t even know how I am going to die. Sure, I have a few ideas but I am not going to do them in my room where a family member will find me. No, I want to be found by a stranger some place away from home. I would love for it to be a hotel room but I don’t have the money to do the deed. How sad is that? Here I want to kill myself and I can’t basically afford to do it in a place I would like to do it in. There has been no downward circumstances to cause me to think about this date. I just wanted it to be before my birthday.

For some reason, my 9th anniversary of my cauda equina syndrome diagnosis is coming up in two weeks and it is bothering me. Normally the day passes and I don’t even notice. But I marked it on my calendar and the memories of that time period have been flooding back. I remember not being able to move my left leg at all because it was too weak. I lost a lot of strength with this surgery. I had to have a blood patch because I had a CSF leak and then I had to be operated again because a fragment of the disc was embedded in my nerve root causing me these problems. It was not a fun time. I then got a nice UTI that made me sick. The antibiotics made me sicker and then they discharged me only for me to come back to the ER the next day for fluids as I was shitting my brains out. I was very sick. But that surgery and the rehab afterwards failed to notice my current problem and that is why I am disabled today. That is why I have pain every day of my life for the past three years. That is why I cannot walk more than a few blocks at a time. My walking distance is 0.4 miles which isn’t much considering that I was once able to walk 20 miles without a problem. Sure I was sore the next day but that was to be expected. But now I can barely walk a mile without pain. And I leak urine if I walk too much. That is something that I have no control over. This is one of the reasons why I want to end my life. I am tired of the pain, the leaks, the immobility. But that is just the physical side of things. It has nothing to do with the mental side.

The mental side I am very depressed. I see no future but lately I have been. It’s been tough to see but I think things are not as bleak as they have been in the past. Despite my physical disability, I am able to look ahead. Just yesterday, I decided on the place where my sisters and I will eat out on my birthday, should I leave this date that I have planned. Four weeks I have to decide to go through with it or not. I know my therapist and psych would rather I not talk about this. Perhaps, they might not want to know about it. I just think that if I want to die, the decision should be left up to me and not my treaters. Sure they have the legal right to hospitalize me against my will but that will not stop the thoughts or planning. Am I a danger to myself? Not today. Will I soon? I don’t know. Depends on a few things.

Pain Rant 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Pain Rant 2

Last night around this time, I got a searing pain in my ankle. Tonight I am having the same pain. Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I didn’t leave the house or go up and down the stairs a million times. Nada. So this pain is weird. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or not. It’s so hard to tell because I am in pain all the time and this is the second night feeling the same pain at around the same time. I can’t stand when pain occurs, without warning. But today I walked a bit so I am expecting pain but not like this. It feels like I have been standing on my ankle too long.

The pain is sharp, like that of a knife cutting into me. It is most unsettling. I can’t move my ankle without severe pain and I already took my pain meds a couple of hours ago. I should not be having any pain at all, which is why I am thinking this is nerve pain. I suppose I should probably take my nerve pain meds to see if that calms this down. I hate taking them because I get the hungry horrors afterwards.

I also have been a bawling mess since I heard about the Sox manager having lymphoma and will not be managing the team for the rest of the year. It broke my heart to hear this news. I feel bad for him but I know he is in good hands. It was fortunate that his hernia surgery happened when it did because they discovered the mass during it. If he didn’t have the surgery, his chances for surviving would not be so great as it would still be undetected.

Sure the Sox have sucked all season and have been plagued with injuries and so forth but hearing this news just made me sadder than anything. And now I got to deal with this pain in my ankle and I don’t know what it is from. It’s swollen, but that is always the case. It’s in the same spot as it was last night and the same intensity of pain. I just want to cut off my ankle or just make some cuts into the ankle to relieve the pressure or at least give it a reason to fucking hurt. But I am too scared of causing more damage. I am afraid that if I do cut deep enough, I might nick a tendon and that would not be good. I hate being in so much pain. This pain is different than the pain I normally deal with. And it’s not like I can consult a doctor right now to deal with the pain. It’s way after business hours. I doubt they would be able to help me anyways other than saying to go to the ER or something. I doubt the pain will last that long. It’s already starting to fade, just as it did last night. I hate it when pain comes in spurts like this. It’s like when I get zaps on my feet, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out. Now my foot is starting to throb just like last night. I fucking hate this shit. I am so tired of being in pain every night. And now I got this new pain to deal with? Why the hell am I living? I was supposed to kill myself a month ago. I never got the chance because my fricken therapist and psychiatrist didn’t want me to go through with it. Fuckers. I really dislike them right now. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with her. But I see my shrink on Monday. I don’t know why I bother seeing her. Meds aren’t helping my mood that much anymore. Sure, it is keeping the mood swings in check but that is all its doing. I wish the meds would help this pain that I am in. But the pain doesn’t last long and just causes bad throbbing in my foot when it leaves. How do you explain that to a doctor? Sometimes I think I am losing it, like it’s all in my head or something. Seriously question my sanity because the pain is so painful that it takes my breath away for fifteen minutes and then it dissipates and I am just left with throbbing. What the hell. I can’t deal with pain like this. I can take another pain pill in about an hour from now. What am I going to do until then? I am can’t stand the throbbing/vibrating that my foot is doing right now. I wish ibuprofen could help me. I would be taking handfuls of the stuff. But it doesn’t do shit.

The thing that is aggravating the most is that I haven’t moved in the last two hours. I have been in my bed, reading Harry Potter when the pain started. I could see if I was doing something like standing or walking or going down stairs, but I wasn’t. I was an inactive peapod. And all I did was flex my ankle and BOOM, pain! I fucking hate this shit. It’s a good thing I don’t know how to use a chainsaw or other power tools. My ankle would be seriously in trouble of being amputated.

I’m going to take some Ativan and hope that brings me some sleep without the bad dreams I had last night.

Reading and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night was a difficult night. I finally read the “language of suicidology” article and it frustrated me. There was still no clear definitions of terms and far too many synonyms for things that should be clear but are not. I plan on finishing up the “tower of babel” articles some time today. I was too tired to read the thirty pages last night. I did tweet my frustration on the terms they were using last night. It was all that I could do to try and get myself ready for bed. Problem is, I have been wicked sleepy most of the day and had at least three naps so far. My head is not clear so I might take the articles to Starbucks tomorrow when I go for my coffee. I could make a cup now but it’s after three and I really don’t want to be up all night, again.

I finally took a much needed shower and feel refreshed but have no energy to do anything. It took all I had to take the shower and now I feel like going back to sleep. I hate when this happens. Sometimes I have energy and sometimes I don’t. Today is one of those times. I am not in serious pain. My ankle is behaving, some how. I haven’t really taxed it the last few days. My back has been sore after the shower, which is weird because I usually don’t have back pain. I didn’t stand too long so I am not understanding why I feel so low and why the back of my hip is throbbing.

I am listening to the game. We are currently winning. Dammit, Masterson just gave up a homerun. It is 3-2 Sox. JBJ comes through with bases loaded! 6-2 Sox!! Holt comes through and brings home JBJ. 7-2 sox. This is turning into a ball game! I might have a shot of Patron tonight. It will be the 50th win of the season. They haven’t had many wins that I can enjoy a little Patron. And strike three called, Sox win!!

I have been feeling low most of the day. It’s fairly muggy despite the low temps. I hate muggy weather. I really am not a summer person. Give me a cold day any day, but not below zero cold. I can’t tolerate that kind of cold. I don’t know why my mood sucks. I am thinking of calling my therapist tomorrow and see if I can have a session. I think being wiped out after taking the shower is taking a toll on me. It sucks that “normal” daily care is so tough.

I have started Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I finished Prisoner of Azkaban last night. I really love that book. Goblet of Fire is not my favorite because the descriptions of Voldemort coming back to life were really creepy. I don’t like creepy. Since buying the box set, I have been reading the books in order. I really thought about “cheating” and skipping Goblet of Fire for Order of the Phoenix but I just couldn’t do it. This book is bigger than the previous three books. I judge it will take me a week and a half to read.