Tag: psych hospital

Saturday Baking and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Baking and other things

I had left over cranberries from my cranberry cake and wanted to use them. I made muffins. It took me a fricken an hour to make. My back and ankle are not happy with me right now. I got a wave of the tireds when I started writing this and had to lie down. I thought I was going to sleep through the night so I set my timer for fifteen minutes so I wouldn’t fall into a deep sleep as I had to do the clean up. Fifteen minutes rolled around and I didn’t want to get up, just like I knew I wouldn’t. I forced myself up and went back to the kitchen where my mother was making dinner. She cleared some dishes by putting them in the dishwasher and left me basically all the cooking stuff that I had used. I washed them and got injured. The food processing blade got my finger. I forgot how sharp that sucker is. Then I had dinner. After dinner, I had to try a muffin and they came out good. I ate about three of them. They weren’t that big as I thought they would be. The Neurontin has given me hungry horrors today so I have been eating like mad.

After dinner, I just goofed off on Facebook. Found an article that stated the CDC basically lied about the opioid controversy in their studies by excluding studies that should have been included, according to the authors of the study I read. It was all over my head so I read what I could then went back to looking at videos and pics and memes. God, does Facebook have memes. I hate memes. Some of them are funny but after you seen them once, they lose interest when you see the same pics a thousand times, but with different sayings. I just don’t get the appeal. And my biggest peeve is when they say the quote as their status and then show the damn meme with the quote! WTF. Be original for crying out loud. Twitter does the same thing. Makes me want to take a cyber holiday.

Ohio and Nebraska didn’t have football games this week. I don’t think the season is done because other teams are still playing but I think it’s coming down to the wire who is going to play who in the bowls. There hasn’t been an official schedule yet but I hope it’s soon.

Other than baking, that is all I have done today. It was enough because I am totally wiped out. My ankle and foot are having a battle right now as to who is going to hurt more. I think ankle is going to win. But it doesn’t matter because I have meds. So take that!

I’m still thinking about going into the hospital. As annoying as it will be with med schedules and groups and dealing with potential idiot doctors/social workers, it would be nice not have to worry about whether I will OD every single night. Last night I came very close to taking more meds than I should. I don’t even know what set me off, though it doesn’t take much to set me off these days. A flare up, bad words with my mother, no cream for my coffee. Little things that normally won’t piss me off will suddenly push me off the edge. Maybe I need the safety to be watched and have check ins with people who may or may not give a shit about you. The only thing that will be a bitch is not having my pain medication at my disposal. I might not exactly wait six hours for my next dose but the hospital will, to the exact next minute I am supposed to take it. I can’t take it a minute earlier. The med computer system won’t even dispense the drug unless it’s within the time frame for the next dose. Sucks.

My aunt died this morning. She had been battling breast cancer for numerous years. She had one breast remove and then was in remission for a long time when it came back probably like ten years or so. It spread and she had been going for chemo and radiation, the works. Now she doesn’t have to fight anymore. She was a nice woman but god help you if you got on her bad side. My sister said that she and my father are probably talking up a storm, that is if she let you get a word in edge wise. She was a talker. She will be missed.

possible admission

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Possible admission

My psych called me after my last blog post. I was too drugged up to write what she said so I will write it now. She would like me to consider admission to her hospital where they have a med/psych unit. I told her let’s see how today’s appointments go. I packed a bag just in case. I have been up since 0330. I just finished taking a shower and ready to take a nap.

I have never been to this floor so I don’t know what to expect. I could be there a few days to a couple weeks. I just don’t know what the doctors are like or the nursing staff. I won’t carry my bags to the hospital, but I will leave them where my sister can get them to bring to me. It was easy packing as I really didn’t unpack since my last admission in May.

The shower wore me out. I feel like a ton of bricks have fallen on me. I had to shower because below my fat belly was a scratch that has become annoyingly irritated. I had a bandage on it and the adhesive irritated me more than the scratch. I had to shower to remove it before I caused more scratches. My skin is very sensitive and doesn’t take long for me to remove skin while scratching.

I hope this won’t be my last blog post for a while. I hope to have use of my phone while in the hospital. But if I don’t, I guess I won’t be blogging. I will write later if I can.

random 866

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having random thoughts. I am in pain again and it’s putting me in the frame of mind that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I seriously would love to end my life right now but things aren’t quite right. The temperature is dropping and as I plan on killing myself in an open outdoor space, it’s very likely I could get rescued before the meds do their deed. I wish I could go to a hotel and end my life there but I don’t have a credit card anymore. I swore them off because I hated the APR % rates.

My ankle is throbbing like there is no tomorrow. I haven’t done a thing all day and I have been mostly on my bed most of the day. I might take a strong pain pill. I just took a couple of ativans because I want to sleep. Baseball game is going on right now and my team is winning, so far. I hope they win the series and beat Joe Maddon.

My therapist talked about me going in the hospital today. I wasn’t for it because I won’t be able to get my pain medications when I need it and I certainly won’t have access to my strong pain medication. I will be screwed should I have a flare up. There is nothing worse than being in severe pain on a psych ward and not having access to pain medication.

I have given in and taken a strong pain pill. I also have taken some Neurontin. It’s taking all I have in me not to take the whole bottle of that drug. But I have groceries that are coming so I can’t be a zombie. I wish I could just fall asleep but my foot is pounding.

wicked agitated and pissed off: A psychotic post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Wicked agitated and pissed off

I emailed my psychiatrist what was running through my head. Next thing I know, she is calling me. She wants to know if I want to go to the hospital. I am like no. The voices are telling me to do things and the hospital just will dope me up. I don’t want that. She is like “so”. I got really annoyed. I told her I wasn’t going to the hospital. Next she tells me to page her from now on. I guess email is off limits to my psychosis. Great. She wants to be paged in the middle of the night, she got it. I don’t care. I don’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping.

I got really sad this evening and I don’t know why. Then the voices started telling me to take my pills, all of them. I have been agitated and afraid to do anything. I took a trilafon and some Ativan to calm down. I told my psych that. She was happy that I took the trilafon. She doesn’t know about the Ativan because I took it after we got off the phone. I was so nervous I did something wrong. I am literally shaking inside. And the voices are just so fucking loud. I had to shut the music I was listening to off because It was confusing me.

I was on Twitter on my phone to try and distract myself but the feed was so slow. No one was tweeting fast enough for my brain. Then the words started doing their dance. I felt like calling my psychiatrist back. I am scared if I do she might tell me or force me to go to the hospital. I just need to ride out this night. I just took my meds and more Ativan. It was a compromise because I planned on taking some damn abilify to get back on fucking track.

I really thought I was keeping her posted. I didn’t think what I was saying was alarming, I really didn’t. Now I feel like an idiot. I think that is what is making me feel so agitated. I have no idea if this is making sense or not so if it’s not, I apologize. Being psychotic you think weird things. And the damn bombing in Istanbul didn’t help my delusions and paranoia. It’s feeding into me wanting to kill myself. I feel like I have to but I can’t let anyone know. I just need to work out a plan but it involves walking and I can’t fucking walk so WTF am I going to do. I just need some time to work out this plan. It will work this time, I hope anyways.

Sox are finally winning a game. PoorFellow is still sucky but he is keeping the score on the winning side of things. Got to give him an A for trying.

So much anxiety. So much tension. So many voices. They are all telling me to keep taking pills. I am very psychotic, more psychotic than I have ever been before and I am scared. If I tell anyone, a professional, I will be hospitalized. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. They just want to give me more pills than what I take. It’s been three weeks that I have been off the abilify. Maybe I should go back on it. I don’t know. I am scared to ask my psychiatrist. I am hoping the meds I took tonight will knock me out. I can’t read because words are dancing on the page. I will write in my journal for a little bit. The Ativan and trilafon should be enough to make me sleepy. Shit, now I am feeling really anxious. This isn’t like me to be anxious but I am so scared of the voices. They are really angry and I don’t know why. They are arguing with themselves. This is what I live with on a daily basis, since stopping the abilify.

Being in pain wasn’t helpful. They wanted me to cut my foot off but I didn’t. I haven’t taken any pain meds since I came home. I don’t think I will need any before bed time. I don’t know if the mix of all these drugs will be. Maybe I won’t take my pain meds, unless I am really hurting, but I don’t want my pain level to sky rocket. It’s a tough predicament I am in. Maybe I will wait till midnight. That is a few hours from now, if I am still up.

I almost feel catatonic. But I am writing so I know that I am not. I am just so scared that I might hurt myself. I don’t know if I can keep fighting the voices like this. I know the hospital will kill me. It will be a defeat. I can’t allow that to happen.