Tag: psychological pain

tired of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

I am feeling blah today. I just finished taking a shower and though I feel refreshed, I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I have some time to get my coffee before my therapy appointment in a couple of hours but I just don’t feel like being rushed. Every time I do, I forget something, and usually the essentials, such as the keys to my house!

I responded to an email for my CESSG (Cauda Equina Syndrome Support Group) about physical therapy. I hope that the person doesn’t see a chiropractor. That is how all of my problems started. I think that if I was given adequate pain medication in the beginning of my back pain, I would not have gone to see a chiropractor or if I had stopped once the pain did I would not have ended up with CES. All the ifs that go through my mind, looking back.

I am especially feeling out of sorts today because I still have my fricken, goddamned menses. Just when I thought I was getting over it, it comes back in full force. I seriously am suicidal more so now than I was before. I just can’t take being a woman anymore. I have tried to stop the cycle and I am failing horribly. I am so sad. I hate being in this body. I never am going to be a man. And though I should be possibly reaching out for help, I just can’t. I just can’t bear talking about it with someone because I know I will just start bawling like a baby. Just writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. It just is a deep emotional reaction. And even though I know there are other FTMs out there, I still feel alone. I just can’t cope with this anymore. I doubt that anyone really knows the frustration of dealing with this. I am trying to cope with it but how do you cope with something you know is WRONG?? I know I should probably go back to my reproductive endocrine doc and be like this isn’t working but why bother? She has been trying to stop this beast and has been unable to do so this past year. My confidence in her is down to nothing. I know I probably should go to the experts and see what they know but this Doc is the tops in her field. I don’t understand how hard it is to stop a fucking period. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And with every mense that I get, the closer I get to killing myself. I am done with it. I just want to die. I am in too much pain anyways. My foot was acting up soon as I woke up this morning. It’s sort of fine now as I took my pain meds.

I just am tired of living. Tired of trying to make sense of all this. I really don’t know what to do about my menses anymore. I wish it was easy to get through this but it’s not. Every time I wipe myself and there is blood I freak out. I just don’t understand why I am still bleeding. It’s been two weeks already. This is my third week. I was hoping it was getting less toward the end of the week but I was wrong. I really hate being like this. I hate feeling like a freak. And nobody understands that I am going to end my life because of it. I wish I knew what I was feeling but all I feel is hurt. I feel pain. I feel hate. Hate that I am not who my brain thinks I am. And I get weaker. I get more tired with each passing day. It just takes so much energy to deal with this. To wear underwear now that are made for females is just killing me inside. I might be called a masculine name but I am far from being it.

Relationships and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Relationships and suicide

While I made a promise to myself I would never kill myself over someone, some people feel like they should take their life because a relationship ended. They feel so badly that they want to take their life. They may feel this way for multiple reasons. They feel they are not good enough, or that the girl/boy friend or wife/husband would be better off without them. It all is a matter of feeling connected and once that connection is broken, the hurt can be too much for a person to take. There is also a sense of belongingness that a person feels that contributes to their self worth and whether they belong. If they don’t feel this type of connection, they feel their life is over. They feel they have nothing to live for because their relationship is over. It can happen to anyone at any time in the relationship or when it ends. The important thing to remember is that these are just feelings and they will pass with time. You are not always going to feel the same level of hurt that you feel right now. Most importantly, you are not to blame for the relationship ending, though you may feel that way or even been told that by your significant other.

Another reason people feel suicidal after a relationship ends is because they feel that they can never have what they lost. This is especially true when the person they love dies suddenly or is taken away due to cancer or other illness. This is especially hard to deal with because it hurts just as much if not more than a mutual break up. People feel more alone after a death of someone and thoughts of suicide can run rampant to an already depressed person or to someone who has never experienced the type of loss that death brings. Trying to move on from this hurt is very difficult. I have a friend going through this type of loss right now. He lost his soul mate over a year ago and still feel the pain every day. It causes him much grief but because he has a busy work schedule, he buries himself in his work duties. I fear that should something else happens in his life, he would be inconsolable and be very suicidal.

There is no comforting word I can say that eases his pain or your pain, if you are reading this. Time is the only thing that helps and also moving on. Letting go of the hurt and pain as much as you can stand at a time. It doesn’t mean that you are forgetting this person. It doesn’t mean that you love and care for that person any less. It just means that you are ready to move on with your life and let some hope in to heal the heartache.

therapists and feeling violated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

I’m tired. I didn’t get that much sleep last night because I was up in the wee hours of the morning. I then had to wake up early for my therapy session. I feel kind of violated for some reason because she was able to read my blog while we were talking. Usually I send it to her in advance so she can read it but this time, I didn’t want her to read it. But the little snot figured out how to. I then had to talk about what I wrote, which I didn’t feel like doing. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I know the world can see what I write. I know that at least 30 people a day read my blog. But they are mostly strangers to me, if I know them at all. To have my therapist just barge in on my writing, it just felt wrong. I am kind of upset over it but there not much I can do about it now.

Like a commentator wrote, I am not the scumbag of the universe. That was the thing we (my therapist and I) were arguing about. Apparently, she doesn’t love scumbags so I can’t be one. Well sorry but I felt that way at the time I wrote it. I still feel pretty nasty, as in awful low life of the planet that should be exterminated. I guess I am not in good space today and I don’t know why. I still am so sleepy. I haven’t had my coffee today because I am running low on my Starbucks funds. I have to ration my coffee funds till Wednesday. I know I can make some coffee at my sister’s. I made a decent iced coffee the other day. It didn’t wake me up like Starbucks but it got the gears moving so I could type and read a little bit. I do have my Starbucks tribute but it’s kind of late and it might keep me up if I have it now.

I think I am cycling or something. One day I can’t sleep to save my life and the next day all I want to do is sleep. I don’t see my pdoc until next week. These episodes are driving me crazy. I hate not knowing what is going on. And the psychache that I have been feeling has been off the hook. One minute I am fine the next I am in horrible pain. I feel chest pain or a weight on my chest and I can’t breathe normally. It’s not an anxiety attack, I know what those feel like. This is something different and happens when the psychache just creeps up on me to remind me it’s still there. I think that is why I haven’t been able to get anything done that I wanted to. I just have been weighed down with this invisible weight. I guess that is what makes me sleepy.

I have to bitch about my game that I play. I have been playing the same game on Facebook for the past three years now. I like it because it gives you missions to accomplish and it is better than Farmville where all you do is plant things. You still plant things on the Pioneer Trail but now the missions have increased and are getting more ridiculous. The latest one has you having to fill daily orders. The thing is the stuff you need to fill the order has to come from your neighbors and planted for 7 hrs so you really need to jump on this game for you to collect the stupid gold dust I think. I don’t know if I am making sense but the only other way of beating this mission is by buying horseshoes, which means you have to spend money. I don’t have the money to spend for this game anymore. I used to when I had it but now I don’t. I used to call it my entertainment expenses. But I’m broke now and even if I did have the money I am not going to buy horseshoes for a mission that is going to be impossible tomorrow and require more horseshoes. I have three facebook profiles just to play this game, so that I can get the stuff that I need. It’s because every time I request stuff, my neighbors don’t respond. I respond to their stuff, but they never respond to mine. There’s one little twit I just want to tell her you got to give in order to receive but I feel it would be a waste of my time. And she is always begging for stuff. If the stuff she needs I happen to need also, I will get the reward. Other than that, she can keep requesting. I just made it to level 118.

constriction and rationality

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Been in an angry mood today after therapy. I just realized that if I kill myself on the date I was planning on, it won’t mess with the statistics like I thought it would. I tried to find another Friday with a 17 this year and there isn’t so now I am permanently retired with the suicidal planning, for now. I am so friggin pissed off. And to make it worse, my therapist talked me into another fricken session for tomorrow.

I’m listening to Bon Jovi to try and calm down but it’s making me a little more agitated as I really love their music and sing along to it. But it is distracting me from writing. I might be a little hoarse tomorrow from singing…

I got up early today and made myself breakfast. I had like two hours to kill before I had therapy so decided to get my coffee earlier than I usually do. I had to do something as this heat is intolerable. I am stuck in my room because it is the only cool place in the house. AND I am bored as hell. I might watch a movie today or MASH. I haven’t had my MASH fix in a while. I miss seeing Alan Alda and the guy that plays Frank Burns. It cracks me up. And I need some laughter.

I just read a blog about a parent that lost her daughter to suicide recently. The girl was 23 and was in med school. She wrote a two paged suicide note so suicide was on her mind for quite some time to write such a detailed note. Funny, with all my planning, I thought of writing on but I have yet to do so. I figured when the time came I would do it. I would have to write several, for each family member, except my father. He doesn’t deserve one. Nor would he be able to read it as he is illiterate when it comes to the English language. I don’t know how he has been in this country for more than forty years and has yet to pick up the basic words or even try to learn the language. He speaks it ok but now that he is older he some times forget to speak English and will rattle off in Italian. But I digress…

I don’t know what I would say in my letters. That I am sorry that I couldn’t be around and take the pain anymore. That the depression was too much and I couldn’t stand it. That no one is to blame for my death. My treatment team did the best they could in treating me but still couldn’t get through this resistant depression that I have. No medication really worked. I still suffered despite being medicated. No hospitalization worked to the full effect, especially the last few times I was in. The whole system is a failure but that is another issue. I love each of you dearly but sadly that love is not enough to suffice the pain I feel every day. Even with the courageous help of my therapist she couldn’t break through to me that I mean something to someone. I am a nothing and always will be.

Something like that anyways. There will be no need to mention that I feel like and was meant to be a boy. It just seems like a mute point. I know that I will never be a male nor will I ever be seen as one. I will always be seen as a daughter or a sister. And that is painful to me.

My therapist said that I am being irrational even though I am feeling rational because I am so constricted with feeling suicidal. I do feel rational. She even went as far as calling me borderline psychotic. I had to laugh. I do feel rational about my decision to kill myself. It seems logical that if I am suffering as much as I am, I have the decision to end my life because I want my suffering to end. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. Like that girl that killed herself, I am happy for her because she is no longer suffering. I know her parents are and her friends. Depression hurts. There is no denying that. It affects more than just the sufferer. My therapist was trying to get me to see that I matter to people but I don’t think I really do sometimes. I think I am the scumbag of the universe and I deserve to die. I don’t know why I think that way but I do. Even with the accomplishment of having 10,000 readers, I still feel useless. I might help one person with my writings but I think about the ones that I can’t reach. Like the people that ask questions about cauda equina syndrome. Those people are more at risk for suicide than those suffering from depression alone. But I guess I can’t save the world.