Tag: psychological pain

Champagne Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Champagne night

Lady A just came out with a new song called Champagne night and I love this jam. It is so good. They played it live last night and it was awesome. I watched it for a little bit until I had to go to the bathroom for a million times. I have no idea what was wrong with my bladder and bowels last night but all I did was go. I think I have a UTI and for the bowels, I have no clue what was going on. It was so annoying.

The night before I posted a tweet that said what I needed to end my life and that things weren’t that much different than they were 25 years ago. I am reading Marsha Linehan’s memoir and found that between the ages of 18-20 we went through our own version of “hell” and while she became a famous psychologist, I am still suffering and wanting to end my life. I texted my therapist this tweet and I got met with a need to go to the hospital if I am not safe and if I am having thoughts than I need to call a hotline. Apparently telling your therapist these things is not an option. I am kind of mad but I am so used to people turning away when I am suicidal that at this point it is just expected. Except on Twitter where at least three people tweeted at me if I wanted to talk, I could talk to them. One of them DM’d me so we chatted for a bit until I fell asleep. I find this kind of support preferable to calling a hotline or going to the emergency room.

I had to restart Word as it needed to update. I was getting annoyed as I wanted to write stuff but I kept getting delayed. I should have just got the pad of paper and a pen and wrote. I think that is what I am going to do for the 200 word piece I want to write. It is still percolating in my brain. I keep thinking about it so it is close to being written soon. It takes me a while to write what I want, especially these days where one day melts into another. I want to stress that in my writing because I think it is important when you have a disability and lose track of time in this pandemic. I mostly just stay in my room because I am scared my visit to the pharmacy might have caused me to be exposed so I don’t want to expose my mother or sister or nephew. I just isolate and stay away from my family.

I had to go to the pharmacy tonight because I am almost out of the AZO pills for the UTI I have. I had to get some more and while I was out, I got a thing of Oreo ice cream because why not? It was not available in the grocery store when I went last but it was available in the pharmacy. I will take it! At six bucks a carton. Yikes, highway robbery though. I think it is worth it. You are paying for the convenience of the item but the price is about the same in the grocery store. I hope I will be able to buy groceries next week. I need some things again. I still have plenty of cereal but I want meat and fish. I was sad that they took away my beer battered fish. I will have to get it in the store now. I need to go to the store sometime next week. Maybe I can get my brother in law to take me. I just need a few items. My cousin was to take my yesterday but he “got better things to do” basically. I didn’t feel like going out yesterday anyways. I didn’t sleep well and I was really tired. I didn’t sleep last night either. Next door neighbor’s car had a squeaky belt so it woke me up at 0130. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I got a bad headache. I slept like every two hours. I finally gave up and then after breakfast, took a three hour nap. Just hope I can sleep tonight. Last night was difficult because some asshole decided to set off fireworks at 2330! WTF it isn’t even June yet! I hate assholes.

thoughts while reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thoughts while reading

I have been re-reading Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir of her bipolar illness. I read the part where she describes coming to terms with her need to take medication and how she lost a patient through suicide. I had highlighted the chapter, probably because I saw there was no point in keeping myself alive. I had always said I was to die by my own hand. I had come terribly close last December. I don’t know why I am still here.

Last night, after I ended my blog, I got the results of my MRI of the past week. It said that I had a large volume of fluid in my spinal canal. It also said that I had arachnoiditis, basically clumping of the cauda equina nerves. This occurred post operatively. I don’t know if this is going to go away. I know that it is a painful condition. I guess it is good that I already am on pain medication because without, I would probably be really hurting and be stuck without pain management. I am to see my primary next week. I want to ask him to increase my immediate release dose so that I am taking the same dose for extended release and for breakthrough. I don’t know if he is going to be open to it. I figure I don’t have much to lose by asking.

I had made some notes about the book on an index card I am using as a bookmark. There is a lot of stuff that is important to know if you read this book. One is that treatment of a mental illness is as good as the medication treating it. Lithium is very good for bipolar/manic depressive illness. I am finding that duloxetine finally is working for me for my depressive illness. I don’t have bipolar disorder. I have recurrent major depression and it has taken a lot of trial and error to find a medication that works for me. I currently take 50 mg and it seems to work. My symptoms are lower than they were though I am still in the severe range. It is just that I don’t always feel every symptom of depression every day. Some days I can feel it more than others so results will vary. But Jamison’s take on medication is something every patient goes through when they have to take medication for their illness. The struggle to stay on medication is real. You can’t change my mind on this. Everyone I have ever known struggles with being on medication, even more so with psych meds. The stigma that you should “fight” without it kills me. It is what keeps a lot of people in pain because they feel they shouldn’t be on medication for whatever reason, usually because they don’t want to feel “weak”. I call bullshit. You are far from weak if some pill will help you with your problem. Unless the medication you are using is the problem, that is a whole other can of beans.

I’m just tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I’m just tired

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of missing people. Tired of missing out. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of not being able to let go. I’m tired of pretending. I’m Just Tired. ~author unknown

This was a meme that popped up in my Instagram “memories”. It is fitting for today because I am tired. So very tired of being. I don’t want to be anymore. It is too hard to continue on. But I am also too tired to do anything about it so I sit here like a glob. A big fat glob. One of my TG friends showed a pic of his new chest. It looks good. I want that so bad but I got to lost like 30 pounds to do it. I know I can do it, unhealthily. It just takes some will power to do it. I’ve lost that weight before and I can do it again. I just need to want to do it. And right now I am too tired to do it. Wouldn’t matter anyways. Even if I lost the weight tomorrow, I still wouldn’t be able to have the surgery with the virus going on. Everything is on hold. I feel bad my NP had to reschedule her surgery because of the virus. She seems okay with it but I know it hurts. I would be hurt if it were me.

I read some of Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is a good book that I decided to reread as it has been ages since I last read it. It is a memoir that resonated a lot with me. I don’t have bipolar disorder but this book captures the ups and downs so eloquently.

I am feeling tired even though I slept through the night. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. I usually wake up at least once to pee. I think my bladder nerves are healing as I have been able to cath less. I am only cathing right before bed to make sure I am empty before I lay down to sleep. There might be one or two times during the day where I cath because it has been more than 3 hours since my last void and I want to make sure I am empty. I don’t want another UTI or bladder infection. I am not sure if I am emptying completely or not. I will have to cath after I pee to find out. Last time I checked, I wasn’t emptying at all but that was a few weeks ago.

My hair is the longest it has been the past few years. I can’t stand it. I hope my barber opens his shop up soon. I really miss him! Just hope it won’t be mad busy when I see him, though. I don’t know what kind of restriction they are going to have. He most likely will have to wear a mask. I don’t care if he has to wear PPE up the ying yang. I just want my hair buzzed again! I miss the feel of it. I could do it myself but I know I will mess up and then it will be a disaster. So I am not going to do anything for it. I just have to wait like everyone else.

chasing what is already gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Chasing what is already gone

This song has been in my head for the past hour so I thought it would make a good title for today. It is a song by my favorite country singer Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has been doing some segments from home and it has been awesome seeing her like every other day with a new video of her playing her music.

Today I found out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I had to go to the pharmacy because they were not answering their phones. I went there and found out they were processing the wrong medication. I was livid. Then they told me it would be three hours before the script could be filled so I went home and my legs felt weak so I didn’t go food shopping like I had wanted to. I had to go back to the pharmacy to pick it up three hours later and while I was waiting in line, I felt like I was going to collapse. There were three people ahead of me. By the time the person in front of me was up, I was starting to feel weak in my legs. The tech couldn’t find the woman’s meds. It took her a while to find them. I thought by then I was going to collapse. Then the guy that was in front of her had his meds screwed up so they had to do it over because they didn’t have his insurance information. UGH. They called me and I felt so weak. I got my meds and the things my mother wanted and then I sat down. I was going to leave but I had to rest. The muscles in my legs were pulsating. I was worried I wasn’t going to make it home. By the time I reached the house next door, I was breathing really heavy. I sat on my porch for a bit before going in the house. It has been a couple hours since I came home and I still feel weak in my legs. My back is hurting me like the Dickens. I just took some pain meds. I sent a text to my therapist asking if it was ok to take my meds when I am hurting and she said yes. I somehow needed that reassurance that it was okay to take my pain meds when I am hurting really bad because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve relief.

I got my headphones in my ears listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I recover from today’s outing. I am not planning on moving from my bed. I might go downstairs to have a bowl of cereal or pancakes for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking and don’t think it would be wise to do so. The pancakes are already made. I just have to heat them up. I love these pancakes because they have protein in them. They have a different kind of taste to it but other than that they are good. They are made by Kodiak.

I am using headphones because sound and air waves are bothering my foot. I hate this allodynia. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up tonight. I did a lot of standing so I might be hurting big time tonight. I am glad I took the pain med when I came home.